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Autobiography of an Avadhoota Author

Avadhoota Nadananda

© Avadhoota Nadananda, 2011 All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted by any means, electronic, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the author All rights reserved under The Copyright Act, 1957. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverseengineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of GuruLight. Original published as THE PYRE OF THE DESTINED by Abhaya Varada 2011 1st completely new edition published by GuruLight 2016 Book and Cover design: Zoran Stefanovski (Mohana Hanumatananda) www.gurulight.com

Paramaguru Nityananda Bhagavan

Sadhguru Avadhoota Tara Mayee

Avadhoota Nadananda

Endless Love - Avadhoota Nadananda with Mohanji

Puvapalli Krishnan Namboodri, Gangadevi Parents of Avadhoota Nadananda

Avadhoota Nadananda With Brothers and Sisters

Experiencing an Avadhoota

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vadhoota Nadananda once told me “When man becomes mad, he becomes a saint. When saint becomes mad, he becomes an Avadhoota . When Avadhoota becomes mad, he becomes Bhagavan (God).” Beings reveling in their non-existence are Avadhootas . They are totally occupied inside, so much so that the outside world with its materials and flavours carries no meaning to them. It does not exist for them. Regular human beings for whom the outside world is everything will find it difficult to understand such an existence. We live in an atomic universe. It is a universe made of particles. They are energy manifested into forms which also means duality or multiplicity. This is the cause of all our delusions. An Avadhoota is rooted in the energy beyond the matter within and outside of him. He is never deluded with terrestrial existence. We float in the river of manifested existence. May the One who is the cause of the atom as well as the inner and outer universe guide us, lead us and protect us. May the One who is beyond all dualities dissolve us too. May our lives be full and complete through the awareness and experience of non-dual perfection. May the power (Shakthi ) of will, knowledge and action maintain us constant and make our lives complete. May the greatest power (Maha Shakthi ) awaken in us and melt us into the ocean of abundance and supreme bliss. The fundamental shift in awareness expresses itself with one question “Who AM I?” and it subsequently flows through further questions such as “What am I” and “Why be I?” This is the story of every seeker. A moment in time forces the naturally extroverted being to look within and ask this question into the seeming darkness of the unknowable. The “I AM”

dissolves into “Who Am I?” Ever since time created the thinking man on earth, this question has remained in the canvas of existence of every evolved being. “WHO AM I?” This eventually evolves into the fundamental question “Why Am I?” which leads to dimensional destruction. Dimensional destruction leads to freedom from form, binding identifications and takes one to ultimate liberation. This question, at some point in time in the life of everyone, naturally evolves and becomes a burning quest. Nothing else in life matters except a convincing answer in the form of a compelling experience to satiate this quest. The realization that nothing that I consider as “I AM” has anything to do with the real “ME” shifts the awareness to a totally different level. This inner momentum also urges man to shed the boundaries of his mind and move from the known to the unknowable which mind cannot perceive. He is forced to seek beyond the mind with the full understanding of the limitation of the substratum called mind. Delusions and misconceptions walk the path as inevitable companions. They serve as tests as well as traps. Many fall prey to it and slip down to where they started from. Domination of mind through fears and doubts are one of the biggest hurdles. Expectations are another. Many also get trapped in powers that inevitably happen when gross melts into subtle spontaneously. It takes a lot of maturity, clarity and steadfast consistency over destination to arrive at the final truth. It may take lifetimes to reach this final destination. What may seem as great accomplishment of an incarnation in one lifetime often contains the invisible consistent efforts to attain truth, running through many past lifetimes. Awareness is the only investment that stays through incarnations without depreciation. Hence awareness is the only investment that is truly worth in a lifetime. Life evolved through various incarnations that ran through various species on earth. It finally landed a human existence. The thirsty, hungry and most vulnerable existence in the whole jungle of multiple species! The

suffering of severe identity crisis of a thinking man versus the speeding time, who like to believe that they are time riders and end up realising that the time has been riding their incarnation beyond any compromises on ownerships. This is the identity crisis of delusional supremacy that leads to the thought process of Man Versus Nature instead of Man in nature! This non-understanding further leads man to his eventual alienation and subsequent search for his real home. We all are searching. We all are usually searching outside. Seldom destiny brings us home into ourselves. Most of the times, we end our search in illusions and corresponding disappointments. Most of us do not know what we are looking for and hence do not know where to look. Here we have the true story of an Avadhoota , a man who went through his physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual boundaries to climb to the Everest of awareness that only a few could effectively achieve. We have to discard a lot to gain somewhat. It is my deepest privilege and honour to write a foreword to this great work which I am sure that time would nurture in its lap as a guiding light much more than just a book of purpose to the true seekers of truth, often seeking in darkness not knowing what they are seeking and where to seek. This is the story of you and me. This story will remind us about ourselves. Avadhoota Nadananda travelled through the same terrains of happiness, sorrows, accolades and betrayals just like any of us. He did not stop. He did not rest. He did not procrastinate or give up his efforts disheartened by the hardships associated with a pure spiritual journey. But, he travelled beyond his own boundaries. He touched the realms of existence that made him an Avadhoota which most of us could never even dream about. Most of us would never have realised that Gyanganj , the causal layer of the earth and the world of the Avadhootas, exists beyond the human ken, deep in the recesses of Tibet, now within the borders of China, as a location. This is the Shambala of Immortality. This is the Shangri-la minus

the imagination of a Utopia. This is the world of existence in non-existence. This is the world of perfection in nullification. Nothing exists except the complete ocean. There are no drops to claim its identity. There are no false and temporary identifications. There is only perfection of completion and an existence to revel this perfection. Avadhoota Nadananda has the prime possession of the begging bowl that his Guru , Maa Tara Mayee gave to him, which she inherited through generations of Avadhootas . The same begging bowl that many centuries ago, the great Babaji, who is called Mahatapa in the Avadhoota tradition carried in His own hand! The Guru instructed her perfect disciple Nadananda, “Do not beg. Do not accept or carry money. Give yourself completely to the will of destiny and grace. If food comes to you, consume, whatever the type of food is, if not, observe spontaneous fasting. Do not go in search of food. Whatever you need will be provided by the tradition through nature or some hands. Do not compromise on your own integrity and the integrity of the tradition. I shall be with you”. Nadananda travelled through the tough terrains of Himalayas with no money and not many clothes. This book is a testimonial that such saints exist amongst us, often invisible to the gross eyes. We need extreme subtlety as well as grace to see them and more so to recognise them. They reveal themselves only to guide us. One who has nothing to do with terrestrial existence is an Avadhoota . One who has no emotional value for any events of life is an Avadhoota . An Avadhoota is totally occupied in bliss supreme. An Avadhoota floats through existence like water on lotus leaf, without acquiring any emotional dirt from any happenings of life. They remain clean and pure always. Being born is an illusion for the eternally unborn Avadhoota . They live freedom and leave behind the essence of freedom for the people who are bound by emotions of life to witness, experience and merge into. They are spontaneous, unbound and unperturbed about how the society looks at

them, evaluates them or “deals” with them. They are not bothered about food, clothing or shelter. They are beyond the insecurities of existence that a human mind carefully nurtures. They are natural and they are real. The looking glass of concepts that an everyday man wears often obscures him to see the wealth of freedom that an Avadhoota possesses. Almost everything that a modern man considers important has no value for an Avadhoota. Detachment is their garb. Society can only see their seemingly indifferent existence and they mark it as madness or even anti-social. Avadhoota Nadananda was a sceptical, rational young man like most of us have been in our youth. He asked questions and demanded answers to the regular inequalities of the society and opted to react at various times. The pain of existence soon became the purpose of existence instead of succumbing and surrendering to life’s inevitable chores, passively compromising the fire of thirst that glowed in the stomach as inspiration to wreak positive changes in the world around him. The transformation from existentialistic pains to purpose took him to the narrow paths of spirituality only a few even dared to tread. Avadhoota Tara Mayee held the reins of his further journey. Avadhoota Nadananda was born. As a young man, he asked a wandering monk who visited his house “Can I have your begging bowl?” The saint smiled and replied “This is not yours. Yours is on its way. Be ready to receive it. It is precious.” The begging bowl of Mahavatar Babaji, who is known as the eternal Mahatapa in the Avadhoota tradition came to him, passing hands through his Guru Avadhoota Tara Mayee. The rest is history. Avadhoota Nadananda wrote that he met Mahatapa at Gyanganj and was ordained as the 48th pontiff of Gyanganj. The purpose of leading people to inner awakening continues to fuel the existence of Avadhoota Nadananda along with the deep urge to serve the under-privileged despite his compelling physical conditions. He still sings and dances despite the binding ailments of body. He remains unstoppable. Over a conversation about the relevance of physical body, he told me “Mohanji, I will remain in

action for 300 years after my physical demise, just as Sai Baba of Shirdi continues to work after 100 years of His physical exit. Sai Baba was the 39th pontiff of Gyanganj . I am the 48th . When I told Gyanganj that my body is too tired to carry the burden of being a pontiff, I was told “we are carrying the burden, not you”, existence will continue. Death cannot stop anything”. Lord Dattatreya is the father figure in the tradition of Avadhootas . He is also the father of the Nath tradition in its codified form as we perceive it now. Here, you can see the Kriya, Datta, Nath and Avadhoota traditions uniting and merging. Lord Dattatreya has had many reincarnations and each one of them has been unique and powerful. The tradition of Avadhootas always existed in the terrestrial realms as the highest potential of human awareness where the cosmic consciousness is everything and nothing else ever mattered. The Lord Dattatreya tradition, the Nath tradition as well as the Kriya Yoga Tradition are all inter-connected and mutually complementing. In short, every tradition has its origin and destination at the same source. The seemingly different paths are only aimed at catering to the orientation of the various recipients. The gateway to locations of higher frequencies is the subtleties of existence. Gyanganj is such a world that only those who have eyes of subtlety can witness it, let alone reach it. Grace is the key. Gyanganj is the causal layer of the world. The causal layer always remains invisible while effects of the causes become visible manifestations of the existence of the invisible causes. Every tradition of earth has its roots in Gyanganj , the realm of masters. Eligibility for entry into the causal realm is dissolution of personal identities and identifications. Purpose is selfless service to the world. When the operating level is beyond the atoms, the atoms are in our command. Creation is the choice of the creator.

Avadhoota Nadananda says “The words of an Avadhoota never go in vain. Words become command to the nature. It can cut across karma and bring people back from death”. He has literally done that. He has suffered the karmas of others and saved people from death. The book takes us through the treacheries of existence. The play of the human mind or its cunningness and betrayals, a naive and innocent Avadhoota cannot reciprocate. They operate only in the plane of unconditional love and sincere compassion. These acts of supreme compassion and kindness are often rewarded back in the form of sheer thanklessness and ingratitude by its recipients, as society standards through generations continue to be ungratefulness to acts of compassion. We are the same society that crucified Jesus, poisoned Socrates and took Sai Baba to court. Generations have come and gone but the psychology remains the same. Contemporaries usually never understood a true master. It usually took them their death and the advent of further generations to birth a reasonable awareness. Yet, unabated, without complaint, the great masters delivered without expectations. This book serves as a mirror to the society of double standards. This could serve as an eye opener to many generations to come. This is one of the major relevance of this book. My meeting with Nadananda is always cherished as one of the most auspicious moments of my life. When he said, “Mohanji, I shall be always with you. I am with you wherever you are”. I knew the depth of these words. He is not a person. He is a tradition. It was a promise from the Gyanganj . When the master says “I am with you”, the whole tradition is with us. The assurance that the tradition leads us is enough to walk the rest of the journey in this incarnation. Beyond the boundaries of the mind rest the truth. The master represents that truth. While over a casual chat on March 2nd 2016 at Dhar in Madhya Pradesh, Nadananda said to me “You are also an Avadhoota . You will know in time”. I like to believe that our

eternal lineage brought us together. Likewise, it is the lineage of liberation of the soul that united all of us, the readers and the writers. I refrain from writing further. I shall rather let you read and digest this classic work of modern times. Remember, this is a road map into true spirituality as well as a mirror to the average seeker. Remove your glasses of ego and analysis. Remove your concepts and expectations. Remove yourself and experience this book. This can transform you inside out. Wish you great transformation. With deepest gratitude and humble surrender to the great masters who guide the beings of universe. And humble prostrations to Avadhoota Nadananda who gave me the rights to globally publish and distribute this book. When I agreed to bring this work to the world, my intention was just to bring the pure and unpolluted spiritual tradition of India to the world. True spiritual journey which is essentially a journey to oneself is often obscured in the myriad of ritualistic course oriented modern methods. Enlightenment, like meditation, is essentially a state and not an activity. Likewise, being an Avadhoota is also a state which happens when man transcends his identifications and offers himself to total dissolution. My deep gratitude to Avadhoota Nadananda for his trust in me to bring his life story into the world and into your hands. Endless Love to each and every one of you. Yours Mohanji

The Tradition Flows Eternally

Important places in Avadhoota Nadananda’s Life

Preface

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his is the story of an Avadhoota . Who is an Avadhoota , one may ask? To paraphrase what Mast Ram Baba of Rishikesh once told me, “Aakash chath hai, aur bhoomi bichona hai. Aur sirf Guru pe vishwas ”. For whom the sky is the roof and the earth is the bed. And one who relies only on the Guru (spiritual preceptor) and the Divine for fulfilment of one’s needs. What does an Avadhoota do? While describing our tradition, my Guru , Avadhoota Tara Mayee (Amma ), told me, “A person who lives for himself is an animal and a person who lives for others is a Bhagavan (God). Now you have to decide what you want to become - an animal or a Bhagavan . If you decide positively, take an oath that you will live for others for the rest of the life, only for others. No matter what the consequences are to yourself.” At that moment, I touched her holy feet and took that oath which is the guiding light for every Avadhoota . Seva hi mam dharma . Selfless service is the religion of an Avadhoota and it extends to every being on the planet – humans, animals, birds, plants and all living creatures. An Avadhoota sees God in the grass, worms, flowers and all the living and nonliving things on the earth. When I first thought of writing my autobiography, the first face that appeared in front of me was that of my beloved Guruji who is everything to me and is with me, rather in me, at every moment. I was a rough, black and shapeless lump of clay that was moulded into a smooth, beautiful idol in her hands. Due to Amma ’s skill in transforming that dingy clod of clay, a few kept that idol in the altar of their hearts and worshipped him as their Guru . That is me and this is my story. It is the story of a never ending journey of an Avadhoota with all the trials and tribulations of a life enriched with all the tastes - bitter, sour,

sweet, hot and spicy. And I feel this is a story that must be told. Not for personal glorification. Far from it. Paramahamsa Yogananda said in Man’s Eternal Quest , “It is not necessary to go through every kind of human experience in order to attain ultimate wisdom. You should be able to learn by studying the lives of others.” Ignoring the unceasing struggles involved in this effort and the naysayings – both from my own self and others, I have bared my soul to reflect the vulnerabilities, the tenacities, the determination, the Grace, the purpose, the miseries and the Masters that illumined my journey. If a single person gets inspiration from these words and changes his attitude towards life, I will consider myself a successful writer. I have been a lonely traveler since birth, and even now, walk alone in the crowd of my disciples, devotees and well wishers. I have documented the unforgettable experiences of my journey of yesteryears right from childhood through my long life as a sanyasi, guru, Avadhoota and a social worker. In this long journey, I have encountered people from all walks of life - a few worth remembering, a few worth forgetting. Some who helped, some who harassed, some who criticized and some who stood by me as a witness to my pain and pleasure. And yet, it is not a story about them or me. My story is a testament to the power of sankalpa – the power of the human will that, when determined to achieve a worthy purpose gets suffused with the Divine Will to circumvent all obstacles in its path. It is a demonstration of the truth in the words of my Guruji , “Wherever you are, I will be there”. A testimony to the unfailing and complete protection offered by the Divine Mother to one who has completely surrendered to Her. To paraphrase from The Hound of Heaven , the Shade of Her hand has outstretched caressingly through each and every step of my life. Even now, my Amma is always with me in every moment! A life lived for one’s self is a life not worth living. Animals also exist in that fashion. The value that one brings to others and to the world is the

only lasting impact for a human being. Spirituality is for the welfare of the people. It is not a tool, as used by the contemporary religious institutions, to intimidate the devotees in the name of God and, thereby, control and exploit their ignorance. Throughout my life, I tried to live for the betterment of others. This lovely verse sums up my belief that any selfless service done with dedication and attention is verily the worship of the Lord.

It is the great thrust of compassion for my fellow human beings that has sprung forth from this tiny heart that has roared forth its voice to dictate this story. It is that roaring from the Ocean of Silence that brings to its shore pearls of wisdom in the form of warnings, admonitions and invaluable illuminations about the real worth and purpose of human birth. This Roaring Silence beckons each human being to get out of the Sisyphean task of seeking out the pebbles of the senses on the shore of life that has engaged him or her for countless lifetimes and strive for the real precious treasure hidden within oneself. That is truly your life’s only purpose. If a single person awakens from the deep sleep of his or her ignorance, I would feel successful. And yet in a sense, I have nothing to convey to you at all. This is an atma-gatham – a musing to oneself. In a way, you are just overhearing this conversation. Yet, the sounds are yours, the words are yours, the emotions are yours – only yours. I am just witnessing it and trying to collect the

sparks which may take the form of the fire. Some may burn you, some may warm you. I have tried to pen down my experiences and emotions in its true spirit and value. These words will be merged in the air, in the water, in the sound, in the earth, in the fire and eventually in oblivion. As I too, one day, will merge in the Cosmic Soul. Then, my Roaring will be silenced thereafter. Let time decide the value of the words of this Avadhoota to you.

Acknowledgements

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contemplation on my journey evolved a thought in me to put forth my autobiography with the wish that it would enable others to move up the ladder in their spiritual life. This journey which led to who I am today, as well as this autobiography, is only the result of the unceasing and unfailing kripa (blessing) of my beloved Amma (my Guru Avadhoota Tara Mayee Maa). I would like to acknowledge my heartfelt thanks to my disciples, devotees, well-wishers and even some unknown people who have constantly persuaded me to write my autobiography. It is their unfailing enthusiasm that has made me go through considerable effort and turmoil (physical, mental and financial) to write and publish the three volumes of my autobiography – The Pyre of the Destined, Roaring Silence and the yet unpublished Sparks of Oblivion. It is my privilege to mention the one person who understands me and has travelled physically, mentally, and emotionally with me for more than thirty years sharing my unconcealed pleasures and pains - my spiritual brother Swami Abhayanand Saraswathi. He has the freedom to not only correct my words but also me! His unstinting and crucial literary support for the three volumes of my autobiography deserves the utmost credit. However, I cannot thank him because he is verily a part and parcel of my life. Can one thank one’s own mind for a good or positive thought? I want to thank my loving disciples who served me whole heartedly during my serious illness while pressing me to complete my literary works. I could wholly focus on my writing because they took care of all my daily needs and ensured that I had the privacy required to complete this undertaking. My heartfelt thanks to Anirudh, Divya, Swapna Akhil, Unni Krishnan, Manikanta and many more that I may have missed. These are my

children so I will dispense with the formal thanks. I shower my heartfelt ashirvaads (blessings) on them for their co-operation by offering their time, money or skills towards these volumes. This book is the result of a chance discussion with Mohanji where he remarked that in this world of make- believe and pretensions, spiritual seekers are hankering after feel- good, fake glittering stones rather than real diamonds. Mohanji believes that this could possibly be because the seekers do not have a taste of what genuine spirituality means. To fulfill this need, Mohanji suggested that my autobiography be made available internationally so that its message reaches a larger and diverse global audience of genuine seekers. I consider Mohanji to be a man in the world but not of the world an Avadhoota . I felt the sincerity and clarity of his intentions as well as the purity of purpose and, with great happiness, I gave my wholehearted approval and blessings for this project – to combine my three autobiographical works into this single new book titled “Autobiography of an Avadhoota ” extended over one or two volumes with the same name. It was Mohanji who suggested that the three different books should indeed be combined so that the readers can easily feel and navigate through it effortlessly. And Mohanji graciously undertook the task of executing his suggestion without any expectations, and with my permission, shouldering the expenses for it himself or through his Foundation. He even offered to give back all the revenue that he may generate from the sale of books after expenses to the charity foundation that I had started. Appreciating the gesture, I suggested sharing the revenue between our organisation and ACT Foundation/Mohanji Foundation that Mohanji founded. As I have said before, this book is not about me. The message of unconditional love and selfless service it contains is universal. I would like to see this message permeate into the world across age, race, creed, colour, gender, religion, etc. I want all human beings to recognize the innate Divinity within everyone and express that Divinity for the welfare of

themselves, and most importantly, others. The only purpose of human existence is to discover the Kingdom of Heaven within our own hearts. Thy Will be done on earth, as it is in Heaven. My life, and consequently, this book is a humble expression of that divine goal and a witness to its universal truth. I wish to see it available to a global audience and allow them to partake it by all means possible such as translations in different foreign languages as well as the different means offered in this new age such as ebooks, audiobooks, and perhaps even video depictions. I express my sincere gratitude and offer my complete support to Mohanji, Mohanji Foundation and its team members and bless them with all my heart to achieve this noble goal. I would like to thank the Team at Manav Seva Samiti, Siddhaganj (Kurnool), Ammucare/ACT Foundation and the entire Publications Team of Mohanji Foundation notably Dr. P. K. Namboodiri, Lata Ganesh, Natesh Ramsell, V. Krishna Murthy, Sumit Partap Gupta, Rajesh Kamath, Sainath Wutukur, Geeta Iyer, Puja Narula, Akila Indurti, Janaky Murli, Vijaya Wutukur, Chandni Dinakaran and Disha Gupta among others. Avadhoota Nadananda

Table of Contents Experiencing an Avadhoota Preface Acknowledgements 1. The Pyre Burns 2. Meeting the Same Sadhu in The Himalayas 3. The Journey Starts 4. My Verandah Life 5. Life in the Mookambika Forest 6. The Upadesa 7. The Path of Renunciation and Service 8. Logs in Stream 9. Language of Trees and Birds 10. The Inevitable Departure 11. Endless Journey Begins 12. The Journey to the Door of the Almighty 13. At Rishikesh 14. Towards Vyas Ghat 15. At Vyas Ghat 16. Days at Vyas Ghat 17. Dev Prayag 18. Back to Vyas Ghat 19. Vyas Ghat Days 20. First Navaratri in The Himalayas

21. Vyas Ghat Life Continues 22. Moving Out From Vyas Ghat 23. Stay at the Ghat 24. Towards Upper Himalayas 25. The Initiation into Bismillah Mantra 26. Life at Uttarkashi 27. The Stay Continues 28. Towards Gangotri 29. Gangotri Life Continues 30. Stay at Ashram Verandah 31. Towards Triyugi—I 32. Towards Triyugi—II 33. Towards Triyugi—III 34. With Ashamayee 35. With Ashamayee— Experience of Pratyangira 36. Towards Tibet 37. The Journey Continues 38. Towards Northern Tibet 39. The Lost Paradise: Where is Gyanganj? 40. Towards Haridwar 41. At Haridwar 42. Haridwar Life Continues 43. Life in the Mandali 44. Navaratri in the Land of Vaishno Devi 45. Mandir and Ashram 46. In Gujarat

47. Life in Karma Yoga 48. Life with Jaunsaris—I 49. Life with Jaunsaris—II 50. Life with Jaunsaris—III 51. Kumbha Mela and Journey to Narmada 52. At Omkareshwar 53. The Journey for Nothingness—I 54. The Journey for Nothingness—II 55. Broken Dreams 56. Running away From Maya 57. Again Haridwar 58. Aimless Journey 59. Journey in South (In Tirumala) 60. Kalahasthi/Pakshi Teerth 61. Srisailam 62. Arunachala Shiva 63. Back to Haridwar 64. Life at Ghat Number 10 65. Life at Ghat Number 10 Continues 66. Towards Kailash Via Jammu 67. Nepal, Pasupathy 68. Manasarovar— Kailash 69. Kailash - End of Sadhana 70. Kailash—The Abode of Self 71. Back to India, Samalkha 72. Again Narmada and Kashi

73. Tantra Sadhana 74. Sadhana at Burial Ground 75. New Horizons 76. Unlimited Bliss 77. Namami Devi Narmade 78. Narmade Har … Har … Har 79. Just a Journey—Neither Pilgrimage Nor Picnic! 80. Life—A Dry Leaf 81. Towards Badri —Via Jammu, Haridwar 82. Badrinath —Chaturmas in a Cave 83. End of Chaturmas 84. Towards Tapovan 85. Tapovan 86. Towards Gyanganj - I 87. Towards Gyanganj—II 88. Towards Gyanganj—III 89. Towards Gyanganj—IV 90. Towards Gyanganj—V 91. Towards Gyan Gunj—VI 92. At Gyanganj 93. Life at Gyanganj 94. Last Days in Gyanganj 95. On the Way to India 96. At Kamakhya Glossary

The Pyre Burns

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he pyre in me to leave the mundane life started at the age of nine or ten when I was in an elementary school near my parental home. It was my firstever encounter with a sadhu (an ascetic, holy man), who appeared in front of our courtyard one afternoon after my return from school. Usually my elder sister fed me rice, curd with papad , the most loving food which I enjoy even today. All of a sudden, a sadhu in kashaya (orange-coloured robe) appeared from nowhere at our courtyard, begging for alms. My mother invited him with utmost devotion and requested him to sit in the verandah, where he would be served his alms. By that time, I had finished my lunch and with much curiosity was watching the sadhu take a blackcoloured bowl (which I came to know later, was called ‘kappar ’, a pathra or utensil used by sadhus for receiving bhiksha 1 ), and asked my mother for bhiksha . Mother served rice, cooked vegetables, papad and pickles, and as I watched in wonder the scene in front of me, he took out another small bowl from his shoulder bag and asked for water to be poured in it. I was astonished with what was going on, as it was my first vision of a sadhu taking bhiksha . After a few moments, the sadhu mixed the food together and gulped it down. While the sadhu was putting away his bhiksha pathra into his shoulder bag, I asked him with all curiosity and devotion, “Swami , will you please give me this bowl?” He looked at me for a few seconds and with a beautiful smile (this vision still remains fresh in my memory) told me, “Oh Son, one day it will come to you ... you will get this kappar .” Since his reply was in Hindi which I could not understand, my sister translated his words for me in Malayalam. Before leaving, he put his hand on my head and uttered something in Sanskrit.

After many years when I was initiated to sanyasi (asceticism) by my beloved Guruji Avadhoota Tara Mayee and was ready to leave for the Himalayas on my onward journey as an ‘Avadhoota ’ 2 for my tapas 3 , my Guruji gave me a kappar in black colour (the same which I had asked for from the old sadhu ). With a smile on her face, she said a few words which I can translate this way, “This is the kappar which you asked for in your childhood. Beware, do not give it to anybody and have your daily bhiksha in this. As long as this kappar is with you, I will be with you, and once it breaks neither will I be there, nor you.” Even now, I keep the kappar with me and take my bhiksha in it. After a few years when I had a chance to meet Avadhoota Ashamayee (in the Himalayas)—a Gurubehen (fellow student of the same spiritual master/lineage, considered as a sister) of my Guruji —her first question to me was “Is the bhiksha pathra with you?” When I showed it to her, she told me that it was not an ordinary one as it was used by my Guru Parampara (lineage of Gurus or Masters) for eight generations and now I am the ninth generation person who is using this kappar . Even now, the kappar shows its value by helping me whenever I am in need. It is a miracle utensil that always makes me aware of my Guru ’s presence with me. This kappar has performed different miracles for me whenever I am in a fix. I believe that as long as it is with me, I will definitely have the presence of my Guru Parampara originating from Gyanganj.

THE PYRE CONTINUES Being born and raised in an orthodox Nambudiri 4 family (known as ‘Kartha ’, erstwhile Samantha rulers under the Travancore Kingdom), I had lots of restrictions in my day-to-day affairs. Shuddhi (purity) and vrithy

(cleanliness) were foremost practices of a Brahmin family, that too very orthodox. However, the pyre started burning the day I met the sadhu from whom I had asked for the kappar at the age of nine or ten years. Ever since I met this sadhu, I had thoughts of leaving my home and travelling to an unknown distant place. I wanted to be like that sadhu . During those days I used to dream or visualize myself being at the foot of a snow-clad hill, at the banks of a ferociously flowing river, at dilapidated temples where a few sadhus with big matted hair and long beards covering their bodies or sitting on the banks of the river/at the foot of a hill and chanting something unfamiliar to me. During my stay at Rishikesh and Gangotri, I realized that I was witnessing the scenes I used to dream about.

Meeting the Same Sadhu in The Himalayas

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uring my stay in the Himalayas, somewhere near Gangotri (may be the name of the place is Maneri, on the way from Uttarkashi towards Gangotri), a miraculous experience happened. One morning, during my pada (on foot) pilgrimage towards Gangotri, I went for a bath in the Ganga (River Ganges in North India, revered as Mother or ‘Mata ’) at Maneri. I was all alone and was afraid to enter into the stream as the flow of water was frightening. I sat on a rock, thinking as to how to take a bath. Suddenly an old baba/sadhu with matted hair and beard appeared, perhaps to take a bath too. He came near me and asked, “Are you afraid to enter into the Ganga? Ganga is our Mother; enter and bathe; Mother Ganga will take care of you.” When I looked at him, I remembered the childhood episode and tried to ask with hesitation, “Swami have I seen you somewhere?” With a touching smile the sadhu said, “‘I AM EVERYWHERE,’ whether you look at me or not, I am looking at you.” I realized that the voice was the same I had heard during my childhood days in my parental home. The next moment, he entered the Ganga River, washed his legs and hands and came towards me where he had kept his shoulder bag. He lifted a kappar from his bag which I had seen in my childhood and asked me “Finally you got the pathra you had asked for, show it to me.” When I opened my bag, to my wonder, the bhiksha pathra given to me by my beloved Guruji was missing. Again, with the same smile, the Swami said “You don’t believe me? My boy, do not panic, here is your pathra which you got from your Guru . You may be wondering how it came to me. Listen, this was actually my bhiksha pathra and I am your Paramaguru . Devotees call me Nityananda. I have given you a vision to let you know that you are not travelling all alone. Tara and I are always with you.” He asked me to look upstream. When I looked (behold!), my Guruji Avadhoota

Tara Mayee was taking a bath there and then she immediately disappeared (my Guruji had never left the forest near the Mookambika Temple 5 during her lifetime). And then the Swami again asked me to check my shoulder bag, and to my wonder the kappar was there right in my bag. Just moments ago I had seen this swami putting my kappar into his shoulder bag and now it was there in my bag. There was no time to ask any question or converse, since he had himself told me that he was my Paramaguru Swami Nityananda Bhagavan . I offered sashtanga namaskara (prostration with full body on the ground) before him and to my wonder when I got up he had disappeared and looking into my shoulder bag, wonder of wonders, my kappar was there safe. This entire episode means that a devoted disciple never needs to worry for his food, shelter or anything; the Guru will take care of the disciples and their needs too. I sat there for hours together, lost in thoughts of my Guruji and Paramaguruji . Then I saw some women dressed in traditional Himalayan village clothing, walking towards me with a small bamboo basket. They came to me and said “Baba , take bhiksha , we have brought roti and curry for you.” They insisted on my taking bhiksha without having a bath and just by washing my hands and legs. I offered the food first to Ganga Mata and then ate. It was the most delicious food I had ever had as I was eating for the first time in four days. Before my journey to the Himalayas, I had taken an oath that I would not beg for food and would eat only if somebody offered it to me. I did not know who they were. To my ordinary intellect, they were just villagers. Nevertheless, after some time I realized that they were not ordinary village women. Then with utmost politeness I asked them “Mother, where do you people stay and how did you know that a hungry man was sitting here?” They smiled for a while and said, “We are those

mothers whose names you have been chanting since your childhood.” Now I understood they were none other than MahaKali, MahaLakshmi and MahaSaraswathi, for whom I used to recite Devi Mahatmyam since childhood. My father had initiated me into the Devi Mahatmyam prayer when I was in class ten. I feel that when I was afraid to move forward to the Himalayas, my Guruji, Parama Guruji and the three Mothers came to me to encourage me and make me understand that I should never look back, just move forward, forward and forward. While having my bhiksha I noticed that the three mothers had disappeared. I will narrate later the same episode, repeated with a slight difference during my journey to Manasarovar and Kailash.

The Journey Starts

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t was Ashada masam (fourth month according to the Hindu traditional calendar, corresponding to July/August) when I left my home with the blessings of my parents in search of the Self. It had been raining since morning; I told my mother and father that I was leaving my home once and for all in search of the Self. By this time, my father had verified my ‘horoscope’ (for an astrological reading/prediction) and had told my mother that no force on earth could stop me from leaving home since I was destined to do so. Everybody is destined to be what he/she will be. So too ‘ME’. This is known as ‘Poorva Janma Karma Phalam ’ (the result of the deeds of one’s previous birth). It was in the morning around 6.00 am that I left my home, my mother, my father, brothers, sisters, and friends in search of ‘ME’. On that morning, my friend Sridharan Thomas (who was a unique person, who lived as an Avadhoota without knowing his actual identity and who sings songs written by himself), came to me and said, “It is time to leave, I will take you up to the bus stand.” I was ready to say goodbye to everybody. I wore my handspun cotton dhoti (traditional men’s garment) and khaddar shirt, kept Rs.16 in my pocket and a pocket book edition of the Bhagavat Gita with me. When I prostrated before my mother, she with eyes filled with tears asked me just one question, “So far I took care of your food and other needs. Who will feed you from today onwards?” My eyes too started to submerge in a storm of tears, but hiding them from my mother, I said: “Mother, keep one thing in mind, even if a dog walks away hungry in front of your house, I will be hungry on that day. So try to feed somebody before you eat. The food you feed somebody will be served by somebody else to me.” I

prostrated before my mother and father and left home. (According to the custom, parents are supposed to close the main door of the house with a thundering sound when their child leaves home for sanyasa .) I heard the sound of door closing behind me. For a while my feet stopped, the ground shifted from beneath my feet, but my friend Sridharan Thomas insisted that I move on. We travelled to the bus stand on a bicycle. He rode and I sat behind him. I got a bus to Trichur. From there I was supposed to take another bus to Mangalore, to go to Mookambika (the deity, Sri Raja Rajeswari to whom I offered worship during my Sri Vidya Sadhana at my residence). At that time, my mind was full of one intention, to reach Mookambika, from where I could start my journey, or where I would be able to find a Guru who could lead me to ‘ME’. The next morning I reached Mookambika. I was left with just Rs.1.50. The previous day I had not taken any food as there was no sufficient money to buy any. I was feeling hungry and went to a shop, took a glass of lemon water worth four annas (0.25 paisa). The remaining money, I offered to a person sitting in front of the Mookambika temple. Now there was no shelter and no food. Except for the sky, there was no roof over my head, and except for earth, no bed. I went to the nearby river (Sauparnika) took a bath and with the same unwashed robes (as I did not have another dress to change into), came once again to the Mookambika Temple. It was noon, time for Arathi (religious ritual of worship which involves lighting lamp in front of the deity), after removing my shirt and putting it on my shoulder, I went in front of the Garbhagriha (inner sanctum) to have darshan (ceremonial viewing of a deity) of my mother Mookambika whom I used to worship for a long time as Srividya. I saw a beautiful woman with long hair, with kumkum (vermilion powder usually offered to the goddess in puja ) on her forehead, wearing a yellow sari and blouse, looking at me constantly. In front was Mother

Mookambika, but instead of looking at the idol of the deity, my eyes were being forced to see the beautiful woman with a very wonderful body language. After a moment, she went for pradakshina (the ritual of circumambulation in a temple). The moment she reached the rear of the temple, she stopped and looked back to see whether I was following her or not. Of course, I was following her. She stopped for a while and with a wonderful smile on her face she said, “Go to the verandah of Sri Ramakrishna Yogashram and be there, your Guru will meet you there,” and then she stepped forward and disappeared into the Garbhagriha . It was then that I realized that it was Amma (Divine Mother), the Goddess Mookambika herself who had instructed me. I was hungry and moved here and there, the temple bells were ringing and a tourist told me that the bells announced the time for feeding the poor and directed me to ‘oottupura ’ a dining hall behind the temple. I was served my first bhiksha blessed by Mookambika, at her abode, as the mother takes care of her children who are hungry in the form of Annapurna. 6

After my first bhiksha , I enquired about the route to Sri Ramakrishna Yoga Ashram, which I reached with a bit of difficulty. One aged Swami was sitting on an easy chair. I asked him for permission to stay at the ashram’s verandah for at least forty-one days, as I wanted to chant Lalitha Sahasra Namam , in front of Mookambika daily. Since he was also from Kerala, and may be because I spoke in Malayalam, he agreed and asked me to stay there and take my two meals from the ashram. The swami is known as Acharya Theertha , a well-known author, editor, poet and orator, who had been living there for a long time.

My Verandah Life

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started staying on the verandah of the ashram. Every day the bell rang at 11.30 am and 7.30 pm for food. I took my daily food from the ashram along with other inmates, went to the temple every morning and sat at Saraswathi Mandapam and chanted Lalitha Sahasra Namam . Days passed, I failed to meet my Guru, and my mind was a bit disturbed with the thoughts of my mother, father and home. One fine day in the afternoon, I was sitting as usual in the verandah—this might have been fifteen days after my arrival there—I saw an old lady in alphy (a long shirt made of cotton), short hair, a stick in one hand and a tin box in the other, walking towards the verandah. She came near me and sat down. The woman was dirty and untidy. All of a sudden my ego awakened and reminded me of my Nambudiri background. I moved swiftly away from the old woman thinking that she was a beggar. But she was immersed in herself talking as a mad woman and I got a little bit afraid looking at her. I moved close to the Swamiji who was sitting on his easy chair and asked him who she was. To my wonder, the Swami cautioned me and told me not to go near her, because if she got angry I would lose everything, and if she was happy I would be blessed. Since I had been blessed by the Universal Mother that I shall meet my Guru in the verandah, I had the thought in my mind, what did I have to lose now? I had left everything behind and came in search of a Guru who could lead me to the ultimate reality of experiencing the Oneness. So I went near her and tried doing sashtanga namaskar . All of a sudden she laughed and asked, “You are from a Brahmin family, I’m a beggar as you think, how you can do namaskar 7 to a beggar, you will lose your brahmanatwa , go away, get lost.”

But looking at her face I could read the motherly affection she possessed, which she was showering on me. Immediately I remembered the golden words of the Universal Mother, whom I had met at the rear of the Mookambika temple, that I would meet my Guru at the verandah. At that moment without thinking I did a full-body prostration at the feet of that old woman, saying “Sri Gurudevyei Namah ” (Salutations to the Mother Goddess who is in the form of a Guru /Master). She might have heard it, for she laughed loudly for a few minutes and then asked me “Why are you here?” I was unable to find any words, however I managed to say, “In search of a Guru , which may be you, Amma .” Immediately she took her stick and beat me once on the shoulder. All of a sudden, she left the verandah and started walking towards the Sauparnika River. Without wincing, I followed her like a calf following in its mother’s footsteps. She entered the river, crossed and went to the other bank of the river. It was raining, both of us were drenched. She kept on walking deep into the forest. I too followed her. Thus the journey began...

Life in the Mookambika Forest

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his was the first time I was staying in a forest filled with animals, reptiles and birds. It was a dense forest with some parts that were yet to receive rays of the sun. My Guruji Avadhoota Tara Mayee used to stay in this forest under a big tree. She used to stay under this particular tree in rain, hot sun and even cold weather, day and night, except when she went for morning ablutions or to the temple to take bhiksha . She used to carry a shoulder bag made of cloth by tying the four corners of a cloth. In it, she carried a mala (necklace) made of brass in the shape of a skull (later she gave it to me and finally I handed it over to Mohi at Chowl, Maharashtra, to keep it in the temple), a cloth which she used as a scarf, and a bhiksha pathra which she gave to me on my journey to the Himalayas. She wore a kafni (a knee-length, loose robe-like garment) made of cotton cloth which looked very dirty as if it had never been washed. Amma carried a tin box with a twine handle on it for carrying easily and collected bhiksha in it. These were her possessions. In her kafni pocket, she carried lots of half burnt bidi s (Indian cigarette) and a few match sticks. She never smoked but, occasionally lit a bidi and offered it to me to pull the smoke as much as I could (later I understood that this was a technique used to teach me pranayama ). She hardly spoke and occasionally uttered a few words. One morning, when the rain had just stopped and the sun was peeping into the grass, when no bird was making any noise, Amma woke me up and showed me a flower at a distance. It was a violet flower, just bloomed with a few bees around it. She said “I want you to be like that, like this flower with bees around it.” (At that time I was unable to understand what she meant, but later during my Himalayan life I realized who I was and what

my responsibility was and with disciples around me I understood what Amma told that day.) By Her grace, now I am like a flower with people around me taking honey (nectar of spirituality) from the child of Amma. I never saw Amma sleep or take a bath. She never gave me lectures; I used to sit near her looking at her lotus feet for hours and hours. She allowed me to go to Sauparnika for daily ablutions and to visit the Mookambika Temple in the early hours. Amma took bhiksha from the Mookambika Temple when the temple bells rang around noon but never allowed me to get bhiksha , even from the temple. She brought the bhiksha in the tin box to the forest and made a typical whistle putting two fingers in her mouth. Many animals gathered at the whistle and Amma fed each of those rabbits, serpents, crows, pigeons, small ants, etc. After feeding each of them fully, Amma fed me with a hand full of rice and sambar (a lentilbased vegetable stew or chowder based on a broth made with tamarind) or whatever she got as bhiksha . Finally, whatever was left (not even half a handful) she ate and then poured some water in that box and drank it. This continued until the end of my stay with her. I had still not been initiated to any sadhana , or order or discipline. I wondered what to ask and was a bit worried as to “what was happening to me”. One morning when I woke up, Amma was not there. My Guruji never left the tree in the morning. I searched for her here and there but could not find her, even in the temple. It was bhiksha time and she had not returned. I did not go to the temple for bhiksha but came to the old verandah of Sri Ramakrishna Yogashram. When the old Swamiji observed my face and asked me what was wrong, I narrated my pain of missing my Guruji . The Swamiji laughed and said that I was like a calf that missed its mother. He assured me not to worry and insisted that I take food as I had not eaten anything since morning. It was almost evening and I told Swamiji that I would not take food and water until and unless I got my Guruji back and went back to the verandah with tears in my eyes.

That night in my dream, I had the darshan of my Guruji saying that I should not be foolish and should have food the next day at the ashram. The next day morning I was sitting with the ashramites to take food when from nowhere my Guruji appeared all of a sudden and took away the served food (there the food used to be served on a plantain leaf) and fed a cow standing on the road. Swamiji told me that this was a test for me; something good was going to happen to me and asked me not to take any food and consider it as upavas (fasting) day. Next day the same thing was repeated; Amma took away the served food and fed the cow on the road. One afternoon, it was very hot and I wanted to take a bath. That old Swamiji had already left for bathing in Sauparnika. I asked Amma if we could both go for a bath. Amma nodded. I went inside the ashram and took soap, vibhoothi (sacred ash) and kumkum from somebody. Then I took Amma ’s hand in mine and walked to the Sauparnika for a bath. I first washed Amma’s kafni and put it out to dry. I then bathed Amma and asked her to wear my towel until the kafni dried. Then I washed my clothes, put them for drying and took a bath. After the clothes dried, I put the kafni on her body and applied vibhoothi and kumkum on her forehead. As soon as I put the tilakam (marking on forehead, usually with a fragrant paste, such as of sandalwood or vermilion) on her forehead, she placed her hand on my shoulder and said, “Now I look beautiful, will you marry me?” I was very shocked with this question. The old Swamiji near us was laughing as if these words had a deep and different meaning. The foolish boy that I was, I didn’t understand the words of a great saint like Amma . Moreover, I felt bad and thought, “Why is this old lady asking me to marry her?” I got angry and walked back to the verandah with tears in my eyes, thinking, “Is it for this that I left my home, parents, sisters, brothers and friends? Why is this old lady behaving like this?” I sat on the verandah with tears in my eyes, depressed and lost in my thoughts. I had seen the Swami followed by Amma walking towards the ashram. I sat as if I did not notice them. The Swami

went inside the ashram to arrange for arathi . I heard a bhajan in the background, Innu sukravara ... (Kannada bhajan on Datta Bhagavan ). When the arathi was over, the Swami came to the verandah and sat in his favourite easy chair. Amma was sitting near me. It was raining very heavily and may be because of the bath and now the rain, Amma was shivering. Though my mind had not settled yet, my heart melted. I found some wooden scraps lying in one corner of the verandah. I asked the Swamji for some match sticks, gathered the wooden scraps near my Guruji, and started a fire. Amma was sitting in the upper verandah and I was sitting on the second step below. I was heating my palms in the fire and passing on the heat by massaging Amma ’s feet. Swamiji was quietly watching all that was happening. I heard Amma talking to herself saying, “When there is heat inside, where is the requirement of heat from outside.” (She repeated these words three to four times as if she was talking to herself.) Foolishly, I continued giving massage to warm Amma ’s feet and hands. Suddenly, she lifted her left leg and gave a kick (blow) on my chest. I fell down on the road unconscious. I heard Swamiji say, “The marriage is over, the marriage is over.” Because of my foolishness, this time also I was unable to understand what was happening to me. Amma came near and uttered the ‘Ekakshari’ mantra to me. I was in a trance and had lost control of my body, mind, intellect, consciousness and complexes. I was in a trance for almost sixteen hours and when I came back to my senses, the Swamiji gave me a cup of coffee and said that it was my ‘Shaktipath deeksha ’, initiation from my Guruji through a kick on my chest. I had never expected my Guruji’s deeksha to be like this. After all this, that is sixteen hours of trance and coffee, I followed Amma to the forest. It was ten to eleven in the morning. She was silent and I was quiet too. I felt totally blank and there was no awareness of my mind, body, or intellect at that time.

The Upadesa

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hen we reached the tree under which she normally stayed, she sat as if nothing had happened. I did pranaams and sat near her. She started talking of the Siddha Parampara 8 and about the Shaktipath . She concluded saying, “You have to keep this Agni with you forever and make use of it for others. A person who lives for himself is an animal and a person who lives for others is a Bhagavan (God). Now you have to decide what you want to become, an animal or a Bhagavan . If you decide positively take an oath that for the rest of your life you will live for others, only for others, whatever consequences may befall in the path of your spiritual journey. “Then I took an oath touching her holy feet, “Amma , I will live for others, only for others in my life, whatever may happen to me”. She said, “Well, my Son, if so, I will be with you always.” No other sadhana , no japa (chants), no mantras , I was just observing what was happening to me within. I always felt a sweet burning sensation within my inner self. Now I understood that the fire within was burning, and the sweetness of my Guru’s touch created an ecstatic mood whenever I remembered this golden moment of my life. Days were passing by and my eagerness to go to the Himalayas was raging like a fire within me. But I was afraid to ask, as I believed that without kashaya vastra (sanyasi initiation), I was not supposed to go to the Himalayas. One day as I was thinking about this, Amma told me that a Swamiji was coming to Mookambika for darshan , and that he would perform the Sanyasa Sanskara (rituals related to initiation to sanyasa) . As an Avadhoota , my Guruji was not supposed to perform any such rituals herself. I was happy that my Guruji had read my mind and was now

arranging for my sanyasa initiation. I was very happy and there were no words to explain this happiness. I slept that night as a child sleeping near his mother, calm, quiet and dreamless. The expected moment was nearing. I was now getting ready for my sanyasa , and these were the thoughts as I woke up in the morning.

The Path of Renunciation and Service

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y sanyasa deeksha 9 happened on the banks of the Sauparnika River. My Guruji was witnessing and instructing the Swamiji about the deeksha . The rituals were day-long and finally I received my kashaya vastram (saffroncoloured garments worn by ascetics of India) and Presh Mantra 10 after Viraja Homam 11 and a new (spiritual) name was given—Swami Nadananda Tirtha. Now I belonged to Dasanami Sanyasi Parampara, a tensect order. Adi Sankara had divided Sanyasa Parampara into 10 sects, known as Dasanami according to Vedic Philosophy—the details of the sanyasa rituals are a sacred secret between Guru and Shishya (disciple) hence I am unable to give details. To see everybody in ‘samatva bhavana ’ (equalism), sanyasa is the one path. Sanyasa means ‘Samyak Nyasa ’ (i.e. to renounce worldly and material aspects of living and lead a life of intellectual contemplation), but to me, sanyasa means not only leaving everything apart, but also ‘nishkaam karma ’ (non-attached action without obligation) as my Guruji taught me—to live for others. Every moment we live for ourselves is selfishness. To live for others is not easy. But once you have taken the oath, you have to bear and you have to live for others. Shastras say, ‘Aatmano Mokshartham Jagat Hitaya Cha ’, meaning ‘For one’s own salvation and for the welfare of the world.’ It simply means, you live for yourself but it should be for the betterment of others. I tried, am trying and will keep trying to be like that as I have taken an oath touching my beloved Guruji ’s holy feet. So now that I had got upgraded to a sanyasi , people prostrated before me wherever I went, even on the roads, and in the ashram, they looked at me differently. The value was added. This is the system in Bharat; holy men are given high regard. However I was worried that this should not boost my ego, the ego that will make me fall in the pit. So chanting the Pranava or

‘Om ’ mantra (considered the symbol or representation of the individual soul which sanyasis must always chant) and remembering Guruji eternally, I remained in the Mookambika forests along with my Guruji . One day, she said (for kicking my ego), “Son, now you are a sanyasi, you are free, why do you want to be with me always. You should do tapas and get your battery charged which will be useful to distribute to the needy.” I felt sad. Why was my mother asking me to go? My eagerness to go to the Himalayas was too high, so she surely must have read my mind. After taking up sanyasa , one day the old Swamiji invited me for bhiksha (as per the Hindu culture, sanyasis are invited for bhiksha to houses or ashrams); with the permission of my beloved mother I left for bhiksha . After all the food items were served on a plantain leaf, I was about to offer it to my Guruji as per the tradition of the shishya , when all of a sudden Amma appeared there in the dining hall of the Ashram with an unusual smile on her face. She told me, “You have offered it to me, let me take it” and she took the plantain leaf filled with rice, lentils, vegetables, papadam , etc., and started eating. Finally, as usual, as a mother feeds her child, my beloved mother fed me directly with her hand a handful of food, the moment my lips touched her fingers, tears rolled down my cheeks endlessly. She took me outside the Ashram and told me, “Whenever you are given food with any sankalpam (a prayer of offering made with some desire), remember me and offer it to me and then eat it.” I did not know the food served to me was with a sankalpam . Even now, whenever food is served to me with a sankalpam , I just remember this incident and offer it first to my beloved mother and then eat it. The urge to go to the Himalayas was increasing in me day and night. It looked like it was time for me to depart (physically) from my beloved Guruji . But it was not possible for me; therefore, I decided to stay back with my mother for a few more months.

Once a Shetty (merchant) came with lots of idlis (steamed rice cakes— a south Indian dish) and chutney and offered it to Amma . After leaving home (more than a year had passed). I had not taken any food other than the bhiksha that Amma fed me. I looked at the idlis with longing and wanted to swallow them at one go. There were two dogs that regularly took food from Amma’s bhiksha . Amma called both the dogs and fed all the idlis to them. I felt very bad that not even a single idli was given to me and in a fit of anger expressed my disappointment with my Guruji. She kept quiet for a few moments and then told me to look around for those two dogs which had eaten the idlis . A few yards away from us, to my shock, both the dogs were lying dead under a tree near the Sauparnika River. I asked, “Amma why did this happen?” She replied, “Son, Shetty had come with the intention of killing us by feeding us the poisoned food.” I again asked her, “But why come all the way to kill you?” She said with a gentle smile, “Shetty is a crooked person and whenever he comes to me he comes with a sankalpam , and knowing his nature I never granted him anything that he wanted and because of that he has done this misdeed.” I queried her again, “Then you have killed those two dogs.” She patted and replied, “Son, the life span of these dogs is over; hence I have liberated them. They will take a human form in their next life and will become your disciples.” At that moment, I was not in a position to believe this but since Amma said so, I accepted it. After many years, when I was in Haridwar, two Agarwal brothers approached me along with their parents with a request to initiate them. I was uncomfortable thinking how could somebody just walk towards me and request an initiation, but then I heard the thundering sound of Amma ’s voice saying, “Son, do not think again, these are the two dogs that died eating those poisonous idlis and as I had told you they have come to you for initiation, do initiate them with the Devi Pranav Deeksha .” Without hesitation, I initiated them and even today, they are my disciples practicing

the sadhana . However, I have not told them the details of their previous birth as it may disturb them. There are a lot of such experiences with my Guruji .

Logs in Stream

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ife is like logs in the stream. Due to the flow of the river currents, dry logs flowing in the river come together and then separate. All relations are like this. Due to poorva janma karma 12 (karma related to the previous birth) we come together and then depart. I knew in the core of my heart that at any time, any day, my Guruji will ask me to leave her for my ‘tapas ’ in the Himalayas. But my mind was in conflict; on the one side I wanted to leave for the Himalayas and on the other I did not want to leave the loving presence of my Guruji . I was in a dilemma on this issue and was unable to take a decision. But I am destined to be. Therefore, my destiny would definitely take me to where I should be. During my stay at home, I was unaware that I would come to Mookambika or that I would be initiated into sanyasa . It was destined, so it happened. Likewise, I knew that the day was nearing when I would take leave from my Guruji and go to the Himalayas in search of me within me. Once I was sitting with my Guruji on the banks of Sauparnika near the tree where she used to normally sit. Amma had shown me a small fish which was trying to come onshore, but as soon as it reached the shore, due to suffocation, was jumping back into the river. It repeated this several times. Amma said, “You are also like this fish; you want to come to the shore but due to the suffocation on reaching the shore you are again jumping back into the river.” She understood my situation where on one side I wanted to go to the Himalayas and on the other side did not want to leave my beloved Amma . With great difficulty, I tried telling her, “I do not want to leave you and go to the Himalayas, but if you promise me that you will be there with me always, then I will not have any issues in going to the Himalayas”. Amma got angry and scolded, “You still doubt me? Do not

worry, I will be with you always, where ever you go I will be there for you.” On hearing this from Amma , my mind eased a bit. I had two more Gurubhais (males initiated by the same Guru are considered brothers). One of them was very much envious of me because I always stayed with Amma . He used to come on weekends or holidays as he was working in a college. The other brother was young and energetic, simple, loving, cooperative, and non-demanding. Once I was sitting near Amma under a tree during an afternoon, both of them came and after doing the namaskars , they sat near Amma . The first person, the one who was envious of me, brought some fruits and sweets, and as usual Amma offered them to the animals. On Amma’ s whistle, a fox, a dog and two rabbits appeared from nowhere and fed on the fruits. That was the first time I had seen a dog eating fruit. There were some leftover fruits and sweets, which I thought Amma would give all of us as prasadam (food that is a religious offering, consumed after worship or religious ceremony); however, Amma told the brother who was working in the college to give the leftovers to the animals at his house. We could not understand why she told him that and were surprised. As it was nearing sunset, both my brothers were ready to leave, but Amma told them to wait for a while. She asked the brother who was working in a college, “What are you expecting from me?” He asked Amma, “Amma , you be with me in your last days, I will keep your Samadhi at my home.” Amma agreed and granted the wish. She immediately asked the younger brother, “What about you?” and he replied politely, “Amma with your blessings, I would like to be an Avadhoota like you.” With a smile, Amma granted him his wish. Lastly, she turned towards me with a smile and asked “Ninte icha entha ?”(“What is your wish?”) At that moment I felt as if the earth was moving away from me. I was trembling, shivering, could not even swallow the saliva as my throat had dried up completely, it took a few moments for me to say, “Amma , you be with me always, always, till the end of my life.” I could not see anything at

that moment as my eyes were fully filled with tears flowing down my cheeks like a gushing river. Amma opened her arms and embraced me with all affection and love. It was an unforgettable incident in my life; I noticed that there were tears of my Amma which had purified my back while she was embracing me. This caring touch of my Guruji always stays with me. Amma said, “Yes this was the moment I was waiting for; one needs my body which does not have any value, the other needs my capacity and you, my son, only you need me, only me. So I’m with you, I will be with you forever and ever.” There was a disturbing silence for a while and my brothers left. I stayed with Amma and Amma with me. One day a priest from the Mookambika temple invited Amma and me for bhiksha . Amma never accepted any invitations, but to my wonder, she said, “Yes I will come.” We went to the priest’s house for bhiksha as it was the birthday of his only son, who was ailing from some illness. We entered the house of the priest where we could see a small boy of 3 to 4 years of age lying on a cot at the corner of the house. Guruji walked straight to the cot and embraced the boy and told him, “I am not ready to lose you, you are the only son of these people and you have to take care of them, so do not go my son, do not go.” While saying this she placed her left hand on the bhrumadhya (spot on the forehead between the eyebrows) of the boy and the boy opened his eyes and laughed. I could not understand anything happening there. However, the priest told me that according to the horoscope—astrologically—the boy was just counting his days on this earth. Now it was clear to me that Amma had saved the boy from death bed. But Amma started vomiting a lot of yellowish fluid, which was worrying. Amma told me, “Son, do not worry; get me a handful of coriander leaves powder in a glass full of buttermilk. The priest helped me in serving this to Amma; she took it and lo, within a few moments the vomiting stopped and the same old smiling face of Amma returned. Instead of sitting and eating there, Amma took bhiksha in her tin container and we left for the forest.

That was the day Amma taught me how to save people (who are in need) even from death bed. Touching and healing process is a part of all religions. The way Amma taught me was very different. After her teachings, she cautioned me, “Do not misuse this vidya (knowledge) for kupathras (those not eligible to receive the sacred knowledge ). Remember that whenever you do this, you will definitely lose a good part of the vital energy. So be very careful in using this.” I have done this vidya for several people who were ailing and about to leave the world. Of course, it is against the rule of nature. If one man is suffering because of his past ‘karma’, the karma phala (fruit of karma/destiny), he has to undergo that suffering and finish it in the next birth. Now if I am interfering with the rules of nature, the ailing man will be relieved but instead of that ailing person, I have to suffer the pain and agony the person was supposed to suffer. Several times, I suffered to some extent and am still suffering because of my actions to relieve a suffering person and a dying person. However, there is a plus point to this. Due to the punya karma (meritorious karma) which I did by saving a person who is in need for his family or society, my Guruji /Ishta Devi (main godhead or deity chosen for worship) gives me back the vital energy, double than what I have spent, and this energy I can use for others.

Language of Trees and Birds

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nce I noticed that Amma was talking to a bird sitting on the branch of a nearby tree. The bird was making some noise and Amma was replying in a language unknown to me. When the conversation got over, I went to Amma and asked, “Amma what was the bird saying?” She looked at me for a few minutes with her eyes wet and said, “The bird was telling me about your Himalaya pilgrimage.” I asked once again, “What language was that?” Amma said, “It is the language of nature, I learned this language from nature. If you observe carefully, you will find that the language of nature is already within you because we ourselves are merged with nature. The river sings, wind speaks, trees, birds, animals everything in the prakruthi (nature) have a common language. I call it ‘LOVE’. If you can be affectionate to nature, she will also reciprocate.” I was astonished; I was unable to understand the mystic language that Amma spoke. How can it be possible for me to understand the song of a river, the affection of the wind, or the dialogue of two birds or animals? As I was just contemplating these thoughts, I got a blow with the big stick, which Amma used to always carry as her walking stick. I thought why is Amma beating me for nothing? Amma ’s voice was very clear, “Do not have any disbelief or doubts; your disbelief will lead to your downfall.” I have never since doubted nor have I looked back. I never regretted choosing the path of renunciation because I know deep within that Guruji is always with me. I believe that she has been carrying me on her shoulder and making me eat, drink, think, write and speak, all through.

RUNNING AWAY FROM AMMA

One rainy day—rains in Mookambika are unpredictable—I was sitting close to Amma at dawn after completing my usual rituals/prayers. She suddenly removed her stick and gave a big blow on my shoulders. When I received the blow, I felt bad and my ego was hit to the core and I began to think why was this Amma , a beggar-like person, beating me a literate person hailing from a very pious family. The very moment such thoughts arose in my mind, another big blow landed on my shoulder. I was furious, and in a fit of anger moved away from Amma crying and thinking why had I left my palatial house, my beloved parents, my brothers, sisters, relatives, friends and my village? Why did I end up staying with a beggar woman, begging along with her, living on the steps of a temple, bathing in the river, wearing one piece of cloth, getting drenched in the rain, drying up in the scorching sun, getting dusty in the roads of the village, smelling, wandering in deep forests and mountains—not realizing where I was or where I was headed to, I just walked and walked miles and miles continuously for a couple of hours and finally sat under a Peepal tree. I could not console myself and cried continuously for hours together. It was almost afternoon when suddenly I could hear the sound of the bells coming from the famous Mookambika temple, which was nothing but the invitation to the sadhus and sanyasis to have their bhiksha . I realized that it was the time for me to take the bhiksha from Amma , and that she would be waiting for me. I realized that Amma would not eat without feeding me bhiksha . In spite of that, I decided not to go and continued crying under the tree for hours together repeatedly asking myself, why had Amma beaten me? After several hours I got up shivering and moved slowly towards the tree where Amma sat. Then I began running towards Amma . I was running like a calf running in search of its mother when it could not find her. It did not even occur to me that I was deep in the forest and barefoot; thorns were piercing deep into my feet and blood was gushing out like water. The rough stems of the wild trees were cutting my body and

blood was oozing out, but the very thought that Amma would be waiting for me to have bhiksha and that she would not have had even drop of water without having given me bhiksha was making me run wildly towards Amma . In a few moments I was in front of Amma . I looked at the bhiksha pathra ; it was full of food, and Amma had neither eaten the food nor given even to the birds and animals according to the regular practice. I saw the wet eyes of my Guruji who had been waiting for me for a long time. I went near her and did a sashtanga namaskar and told her, “Amma please pardon me, I will never ever leave you. Whatever mistakes or blunders I commit please pardon me always and do make me walk through under your grace. As a son I always want to sleep on your warm lap, hence please pardon me for my mistakes.” Saying these words, I washed her lotus feet with my tears. There was a deep silence for a moment, and then suddenly there was another big blow from Amma’ s stick on my back. Wincing with much pain from the blow, I got up and with folded hands I told her once again, “Irrespective of what punishment you give me—whether you beat me, kill me or do anything to me—I will not leave you, you are everything to me, my mother, my father, my brother, my sister, my God, my everything. You have all the authority to do anything to me. In the end, whatever you do will be a good thing for me since I am your son and I know it. Hence, please let me sit in your warm lap always and pardon all the mistakes this boy commits.” She stood up, embraced me, and wept. Both of us—the Guru and the Shishy a—wept for some time. And then she sat down as usual as though nothing had happened and whistled for the animals and birds. They came, and we all had bhiksha . Even after so many years, I still did not understand why Amma beat me, why I ran away from Amma and then why did I return to her. But one

thing I had noticed was that whenever she was in a happy mood she would beat me and whenever she was in an angry mood she would embrace me and cry. How can I describe the moods of an Avadhoota who has the nature of ‘baalavat ’ (childish), ‘unmadavat’ (madness) and ‘pishachavat ’ (beastliness)!

The Inevitable Departure

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t was summer in Mookambika. I remember the day as if it is happening just now. It was a fine morning, the wind was blowing in the forest and I was sitting next to my Guruji ’s holy feet. I had noticed a change in my Guruji ’s face. She was deep in thought; a profound silence was felt between us; I heard the sound of a crying baby bird, then there was silence, again I heard the cry of the small bird. Amma broke the silence, “My dear son, this is the apt time for you to move to the Himalayas. Since you have lived too long with me now, there is no option. Go, go for the better. “I did not understand her words, but I took the courage of asking, “Amma what are you saying, I am unable to understand.” She said, “I know, you are quite anxious to go to the Himalayas. You have been staying with me for quite some time; now it is time for you to start your pilgrimage.” I now thought how could I take leave from my beloved Guru and go to an unknown place to lead a lonely life? She read my thoughts and said, “Do not think about anything. You have to leave tomorrow morning itself, go to Rishikesh and over there find a place near River Ganga and do your sadhana or meditation.” But how could I go? I had no money to travel, no extra clothes, nothing in hand, except the blessings of my beloved Guruji . I never disagreed with Amma ’s command, whatever she said I accepted as veda vakya (great saying or words of wisdom). But I hesitantly told Amma , “I have neither money nor clothes, how can I travel such a long distance.” She told me, “You need not worry about

all those things, just make up your mind to leave for the Himalayas. “I kept quiet. After sometime I saw that a known devotee from Mangalore was walking towards us. He came and prostrated in reverence before Amma . He was an owner of a hotel in Mangalore. Amma started talking to him, “Shiva, my boy is all set to go to the Himalayas tomorrow, take care of him!” The hotel owner took a bundle of currency notes from his pocket and offered it at the holy feet of my Guruji . She never used to accept dakshina (donation or payment for the services of a priest, spiritual guide or teacher) or keep money with her. But she always had a four anna coin in her pocket. Amma told the hotel owner, “Shiva do not show off your wealth to me. I know you are a rich person, if at all you want to do Guru seva , take my child with you tomorrow.” (In those days there were weekly trains to Delhi from Mangalore. I wondered how Amma knew that the there was a train to Delhi the next day!) Amma continued, “Ah, do not forget to give him a dhoti in kashaya and a bed spread with a shawl which he can wear day and night. Let it be a woollen cloth. Help him board the train and then come back to me.” The gentleman agreed and left Amma after bowing in reverence. He told me to meet him at the Temple (Mookambika) next morning at 6.00 am as there was a bus to Mangalore at 6.30 am. I nodded my head in agreement. That whole day I sat with Amma ; neither she nor I spoke to each other for a long time. After the daily routine of eating bhiksha, she asked me to sit near her and then she started talking to me. After a long talk, she concluded, “The journey to the Himalayas is not so easy; it is the land of the Rishis, my Gurubehen Ashamayee stays at Triyuginarayan. Meet her when you feel so. One thing I would like to remind you, this Amma , your Guruji , has been connected with you for generations. You will be tested by maya (name,

fame, wealth). Beware of this! If you can keep out maya , this Amma will be with you always. Do not be a part of an existing ashram. Your way is different. When you need to have an ashram, I will take care of it. Walk barefoot and don’t keep any money with you. Accept only bhiksha; do not take any dakshina or vastram from devotees during your tapas in the Himalayas. Keep in mind one thing—keep away from ‘kamini ’ and ‘kanchan ’ (woman and money). This will help you reach your goal by the grace of the Guru Parampara . You have yourself chosen to live in poverty. He who does not possess anything possesses Bhagavan himself. Keep up your chosen poverty. As I told you earlier, remember to live for others always. And whenever and wherever you need this Amma , I will be there.” I was wondering about the upadesa (advice) she gave me. She had never spoken like this before. She concluded saying “Be with me, be as a child who is having the nishkalankata (purity and innocence). This is the only quality I expect from you, do not look back, do not be frightened, where you are, I’m there.” Then she told me to go to Mookambika darshan at the evening arathi and take permission of the Universal Mother to go to the Himalayas. She also insisted that I go and tell the old Swamiji of Ramakrishna Yoga Ashram that I was proceeding to the Himalayas for my sadhana . In the evening I went to the Mookambika temple. There was heavy rush as it was a Friday, but as the priest was known to me, I went in front of the garbhagriham and prayed to Goddess Mookambika to give me the courage to go forward in my sadhana in the Himalayas. The priest came and offered some prasadam and I was chanting the mantra “Amme Narayana, Devi Narayana ...” (The famous mantra of Chottanikara temple in Cochin, Kerala). There were tears flowing from my eyes. The priest asked me the reason for my sorrow, and I told him that there was no problem at all. Just that I was going to the Himalayas for ‘tapas ’ the next

day, leaving my Guruji behind. He asked, “Enthuku Kaneeru ?” (“Why these tears?”) I told him it was not because I was leaving Mookambika, but because I had the darshan of Kula Devi (family deity—Sri Porkali Maa) on the idol of Mookambika. Once again, he went inside and brought a hand full of kumkum that they use for archana (prayers offered by temple priests) to Mookambika. I took it. On the way back, I met the old Swamiji at his ashram and told him about my program. He was very happy, and offered me a shawl that I did not accept as my Guruji had told me not to accept anything other than bhiksha . It was almost dark in the forest; I was walking towards the tree where Amma sat. After crossing a few yards, I realized that I had lost my way even though I had walked this path several times. As I walked a few more yards I heard a sound of a cobra hissing. I was afraid; it was not dark yet, so with the dim light from the sky I could see a huge black cobra in front of me. I was shivering with fear, the kumkum in my hand had fallen down and full of fear I cried and called “Amma... Amma …!” By that time the cobra approached closer and started crawling on my right leg; I was about to faint. Just then I heard my Guruji , “Son, why are you afraid, this is a samsara 13 snake. If you chant the names of the Guru and the Ishta Devi 14 , the samsara snake would not harm you.” When I opened my eyes, the snake was still on my legs, but I saw the face and hand of my Guruji . Her hand came close to my leg, and she removed the snake as if she was removing a thread, and she threw it at a distance. Then she laughed and said, “My dear son, while gracing the path of Advaita you have to do your work while staying in the samsara . I’m with you, you need not worry.” Saying these words, she caught hold of my hand and moved quickly to the tree where we used to sit. Amma slept early. I was unable to sleep as I was departing from my beloved Guruji , Mother, Father, Brother, Sister, everything tomorrow. The

whole picture of my poorvashrama (previous stage of life) came in front of me like a movie reliving all those days that I had lived with my Guruji . I could not sleep a wink. It was difficult for me to control my emotions at that time. I do not know how time passed. I heard the shankhdhwani (blowing of conch) from the temple as the temple gates opened at dawn. I could hear the temple bells. Time had come to depart from Mookambika, my beloved Guruji, Guruji’s pets, the birds, the animals, the forest, the Sauparnika and everything. I felt I was losing them all… By then my Guruji woke up and told me to follow her. She took me to Sauparnika River and asked me to strip so that she could give me a bath. Never before had she given me a bath. There were one or two other persons bathing there. In the water, she gave me three dips and asked me to chant the Presh Mantra . She took a stone and mercilessly rubbed on my body till blood came out from my back. While I was wondering what was happening she said, “Son, this is only to cleanse the misdeeds you have committed in this life, you have to become suddhi (pure). Have you felt any pain? “After bath, she did not allow me to go back to our beloved tree which gave me shelter for such a long time. She asked me to go to the temple and then meet the hotel owner who was waiting for me.

THE MOMENT OF SILENCE I was unable to talk or think; tears were flowing from my eyes. Amma was standing on the banks of Sauparnika River and with gusto she asked me to move. I saw tears in her eyes also. I was unable to move an inch. I just stood still there. I wanted to do a sashtanga namaskar to Amma but my legs had become stiff, body shivering, and once again, Amma gestured me to move on. It seemed that she was also not in a position to say anything.

With much difficulty, I did sashtanga namaskar to my beloved Guruji . The moment of departure was here and my heartbeat had started rising as if I was participating in an Olympic 100-meter race. I saw the old Swamiji reaching Sauparnika for a bath, smiling at me; he asked “Have you not left yet? You were supposed to leave by this time. Why are you becoming so emotional? Come on, go ahead, the bus might leave.” Once again I touched the holy lotus feet of my beloved mother; she took me into her arms. I felt I was a small child as she embraced me, gave me a kiss on my forehead—the sweetest kiss I ever had. I heard the bus horn, inviting the passengers to board. I had to move on; there was no other way. I felt it was exactly like death to leave my Guruji. Once again I bowed in prostration to my Guruji. Then I took a handful of sand from where my Guruji stood, applied the holy ‘dhooli ’ (dust from beneath the feet of my Guruji) on my forehead, on my head and on my body. Even then I was unable to control my tears. Once again I saw the hands of my Guruji coming forward to me for an embrace; once again she embraced me and gave me a good blow on my back with her left hand and said, “Po da (go son), it is time for you to leave, you have to leave, poda, poda .” She turned her face away. Slowly with shivering legs I went towards the Mookambika temple where the bus was parked and where the hotel owner was waiting for me. I tried to look back, but in vain. It was as if my neck had frozen, I could not, and I walked towards the bus. The endless journey begins...

Endless Journey Begins

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his was the second time I was travelling such a long distance. A few years earlier, before joining my Guruji, I had gone to Rishikesh for a few months to attend the Yoga Vedanta Forest Academy course run by the Sivananda Ashram. So the journey to North India was not a new thing to me, and I had the advantage of talking at least basic Hindi. I had studied Hindi under Dakshin Bharatha Hindi Prachar Sabha during my school days. My maternal uncle was a Hindi teacher and I had stayed with him during my high school days. Before leaving Mangalore, the hotel owner Shiva offered me the rail ticket, clothes and some money as per my Guruji’ s instruction. I accepted only the rail ticket and clothes and refused the money. At the end of the first day’s journey, I was hungry and thirsty and had no money with me to purchase either a hot or a cold drink. I went to the toilet inside the train and took a few handfuls of water from the sink faucet and drank it. It was night and the train was passing through the dense forests in Madhya Pradesh, the central province. Looking at the forest, I was lost in thought of the days that I had spent with my Guruji in the Mookambika forests. I slipped into a deep sleep as the cool breeze from the forest touched me, and it felt like the touch of my Amma soothing me to sweet sleep. It was morning when I woke up to the cries of the platform vendors at a station, “Tea ... tea ...nashta (breakfast) ...nashta , etc.” I looked through the window of the train. I was in a third-class sleeper coach and my seat was on the lower side. I noted the name of the railway station as Mathura, the land of Krishna. The train stopped there for at least ten minutes to allow for morning ablutions of travellers, and change of train staff. I hesitated to

come out of the train because it was of no use as I did not have money with me to buy any food. Since I was wearing the kashaya vastram , I was sure that had I asked, someone would have surely offered me a cup of tea—but I remembered the words of my Guruji as if she were telling me now, “Don’t ever beg for anything, I will take care of your needs.” I sat quietly on my seat and to my wonder an old lady vendor appeared in front. She said, “Baba, namaskar, have some pooris and vegetables.” I was thrilled, my hair standing on end. With all reverence I asked, “Mother, how do you know that I’m hungry?” The old mother replied, “Since I do not have a license to sell food items, I sit at that corner of the platform where generally travellers from the general compartment come and buy food, and since I’m alone I have to do this to make ends meet.” (Her words were in a dialect of Hindi difficult to understand). She concluded by saying, “Baba take the poori ” I was still hesitant to accept the food. Observing my discomfort, the old lady said in a very low voice, “I felt within, someone instructing me to come to the sleeper third-class coach, where a Baba would be sitting hungry, and to go and serve him. I thought it none other than my Krishna—now if you do not want it, let me leave.” Immediately I recalled my Amma ’s words, “Wherever you are, I will be there to take care of your needs—food, shelter or anything.” The old lady gave me five pooris and vegetable curry, and also enquired whether I needed water to drink. On getting an affirmation, she immediately went into the crowd and brought me water in a broken bottle. She said me “Baba please bless me so that I should be in a better position financially, since I’m alone.” (Now I remember the story of Adi Sankaracharya’s first bhiksha from a poor Brahmin lady, who had nothing to offer in alms to the Bala Brahmachari at her door except for a few gooseberries, seeing which he invoked the Mother Goddess with the Kanakadhara Stotra ‘Angam hare...’, 15 which gave wealth to that Brahmin lady.)

I had just started enjoying the delicious poori and curry offered to me as bhiksha , when the train started moving. I could easily see the platform but nowhere could I find the old lady; remembering my Guru again and again, I finished eating my meal. Now it was almost afternoon. The train was fast approaching New Delhi from where I had to take the connecting train to go to Old Delhi. I did not having any money with me as mentioned earlier. Alighting from the train, I started walking towards the Old Delhi railway station by making enquiries from here and there for directions. To my surprise I found out that I had to take a passenger train that was to leave at midnight. I had nowhere to go and rest, and I was tired. The poori and sabji from that old mother had satisfied my hunger fully. I settled on the platform for a while when I saw a Sardarji (Sikh gentleman) come up to me and say something in Punjabi. (I told him that I could not understand his language and hence to please speak in English.) He asked me to join him to have a cup of tea, but I declined. When I asked where he was going, he replied saying he was on a pilgrimage to ‘Chaar Dhaam’ 16 in the Himalayas and that he was waiting for the train at midnight. At a few yards distance I could see his father, mother, and wife and a boy sitting on the platform on a dhurrie (a heavy cotton rug) spread out. He once again invited me to a cup of tea but I declined again. By this time maybe because of the insistence of his mother, the Sardar boy came and offered a small packet of biscuits. It may have been the nishkalankata in the boy’s eyes that drew me, but without any hesitation I accepted the biscuits. Now we were all waiting for the midnight train.

The Journey to the Door of the Almighty

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fter midnight, the passenger train to Haridwar left Old Delhi Railway station. There was not much rush and I sat on the bench by the window. A group of sadhus entered the compartment. Among them was a fat sadhu in green alfy and turban on his head, who was the guru for this group of five to six sadhus . The guru sat in front of me and the others to the side. They took out a pipe (chillum ) and started filling ganja (cannabis) in it. I saw a name written on their trunk box ‘Vasu Dev Baba, Tripura’. I had heard about this Vasu Dev Baba from Tripura as a famous Tantrik of that place. I wondered if this was the same man who was also a specialist in ‘Surya Vidya’ 17 . The train moved slowly and the man asked me “Where are you going?” I told him that I was on my way to the Himalayas. He said that he was going for the Chaar Dhaam pilgrimage along with his disciples and extended an invitation to me to join them if I was willing. The chillum started and the baba enjoyed the smoke and offered it to me. During my college days and after leaving the village I used to have ganja in bidi with my old friend Sridharan Thomas. But I shook my head hesitantly saying that I was not interested. Suddenly I remembered the Sardar family who had offered me the biscuits; I got up and started looking for them. Maybe they had entered another compartment, and so I could not find them. I came back to my seat and sat down. By that time the chillum was over and the group was discussing something in Bengali. One of the sadhus among the group was in a fix and chanting: Oh, Mayeego, Mayeego (O Mother)…” I was feeling hungry and opened the biscuit packet offered by the Sardar boy at the railway station. I offered it to Vasu Dev Baba sitting before me. I had been taught by my Guruji that before eating anything one should always offer it to people sitting near. He declined my offer and said that they had rotis to eat, and that was not the time to eat anything. Anyway since I was

hungry, I ate all the biscuits in the packet. Hiccups started and there was no water with me. The Baba asked, “Kyon, pani nahin hai? Kya baba hai thu? Gaand dhona atha nahi, baba banke ghoom raha hai ?” (What, you don’t have water? What kind of sadhu are you—can’t even wash your dirt and roaming around pretending to be a sadhu .) He added, “Didn’t your Guru teach you that a sadhu shouldn’t move out without carrying a jalpathra .” I kept quiet, but he was talking something against my Guruji. And I could not take that and got angry and started shouting at him, “Who are you to say something about my Guru ? Whether I have water or not, I am the one who suffers. Just do not talk about my Guruji . Bloody fellow! Do you think you are the only Guru in this world—don’t try to teach me!” Perhaps that was the first time Vasu Dev Baba was getting a scolding in front of his disciples. There was pin-drop silence in the compartment. I was burning with anger. Then one of the sadhus gave me water from his jalpathra but I refused it as the hiccups were gone by that time. Since there were more vacant benches in the compartment, all the sadhus except for Vasu Dev Baba, went to sleep. Vasu Dev Baba was still looking outside and thinking. His face was very calm. I stood up and said, “Baba please excuse me, maybe I spoke in anger.” He very coolly said, “It is ok my son! I was like you too when I was young. I used to get angry very quickly and shout at others, but after some time I used to realize it and say sorry. It’s ok, do not worry.” Later he said that he would be staying at a Dharmashala in Kankhal for a couple of days before his onward journey to Chaar Dhaam pilgrimage. Once again, he invited me to join him. In the morning around six, we reached Haridwar railway station. Vasu Dev Baba engaged some cycle-rickshaws and asked me to come along with him. I agreed and went with them. Perhaps they had already informed about their arrival, for as soon as we reached there, the old watchman opened the room for us. The room was stinking and full of filth. The sadhus cleaned the room and arranged their asan (seats). I too put my chaadar (blanket) in

one corner of the room and sat down. The place was near Kankhal smashaan (cremation ground). Kankhal is famous for the Daksha yagya (sacrificial ritual). The holy river Mother (Mata ) Ganga flows near Dharmashala. I felt sleepy though the room was stinking. The other sadhus were preparing another chillum and I heard another rough sound from Vasu Dev Baba, “Yeh! Get some tea for the Madrasi baba and me.” (North Indians refer to southerners as Madrasi .) It sounded like an order. He gave me a dirty thermos flask and said, “Get some tea filled in this flask.” I had not told him that I had no money to buy tea with, and was wondering what to do. If I did not get the tea, this ferocious baba might again say something bad about my Guruji which would be intolerable to me. I came on to the street, where there were small shops. I saw a small teashop which was open with two persons drinking tea. I walked towards that shop. I did not know what to do. I just stood there flask in hand. “Maharaj ! What do you want?” The shopkeeper asked me. (I was wondering about the word ‘Maharaj’ as it literally means king, but later I learned that North Indians address sadhus as Maharaj .) I noticed an old lady who looked like a beggar, rising up from her bed sheet near the tea stall. Her eyes were beaming. She said to the shopkeeper “Lala ! Looks like this baba does not have money and requires tea, so please take these three rupees and give him a flask full of tea on my behalf.” I was shocked; these three rupees might be all her previous day’s earnings. I took the tea from the shopkeeper, and was just about to leave, looking thankfully at the old lady. Then I remembered my Guruji that very moment and I walked up to the old lady with folded hands, and thanked her for the tea. I had turned back and walked a few steps when I heard the old lady say to the shopkeeper, “He looks new to Kankhal, poor boy. He probably left his parents and came here, that’s why I gave him tea. I too had a son around his age.” I could not control my tears.

I offered the tea to Vasu Dev Baba. He took his small wooden tumbler and started drinking the tea. Immediately after the second sip, he threw away the tumbler and shouted at me saying, “Tere maa ki. Itna gandhi chai kaha se lekar aya thu...Yahi tera guru seva hai kya. Fukat me kapda rang kar nikla ghar se … phoo...phoo ...” (From where did you get this dirty tea... is this the way you serve your guru ? Dyed your cloth in saffron and moved out of your house pretending to be a sadhu .) I also got wild and replied, “You are not my Guru , and it is by my Guru’ s krupa (grace) that you got this tea. Who are you to scold me? You may be known as a great baba , but you show no control on your anger or on your tongue. I am not traveling with you.” My scolding was in English; within a minute I took my belongings and started moving. Vasu Dev Baba was astonished. He got up, came forward, and said, “I didn’t know that you were an educated baba , you speak so well in English. Now, sorry, let us go together.” He was also speaking in English but I would not compromise, and walked out without saying anything. Thoughts were haunting me. The first experience in Haridwar had been bitter. I went to Ganga Mata , had my bath and prayed, “Maa, I’m here at your feet, please take care of me.” Then I moved to the railway station to enquire how to reach Rishikesh. The train was ready to leave the platform, but I had no money to purchase the ticket to Rishikesh. I went up to the ticket counter and said to the clerk, “Sir, mere paas paise nahi hai aur mujhe Rishikesh jaana hai .” (Sir, I have no money and want to go to Rishikesh.) The ticket counter clerk said, “Rishikesh ke liye ticket nahi to paidal jao .” (If you have no money for the ticket, then walk to Rishikesh.) I looked back and saw a Swamiji standing behind me. He said “Baba, main bhi Rishikesh jaa raha hun, thodi door 24–25 miles, idhar ham baba log ticket lethe nahi, chalo mere saath. Yeh railway wale is gadi ko Babaon-Ki-Gadi kehte hai, koi nahi poochta, chalo mere saath, gaadi chootne wali hai. ” (Come along with me. I’m

traveling the same way. It’s only 24–25 miles away, and we sadhus never buy tickets. Don’t worry no one will ask you one.) My mind was not ready to accept this theory of traveling ticketless on the train. Later I learned that in northern India, wandering monks don’t usually buy tickets to travel on trains since they sit in the general compartments, and nobody will ask them for it either. Somehow, I made up my mind in a moment, and followed the sadhu who had given the idea to travel ticketless. A fear-consciousness and guilt feeling was overpowering me. Looking at my face the sadhu said, “Tum ko darne ki koyi jaroorat nahi .” (There is no need to be afraid.) The train moved. My mind was praying to my Guruji to save me from the situations that might occur at any moment. I was praying and praying as the train moved, the thoughts also moved and moved...

At Rishikesh

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fter alighting at the Rishikesh railway station, I looked around for the sadhu who had brought me into the train without a ticket. He was not to be seen anywhere. I came out to the road and asked some people for directions to the Sivananda Ashram, where I had stayed a few years earlier for the Yoga Vedanta course. On the way to the ashram, I saw many sadhus walking around. Some of them were bathing at Maa Ganga , some walking with foreign devotees. India has been a land of sadhu-sanyasis from time immemorial and the land of spiritual wisdom or Atma Gyana . I somehow reached the ashram and asked a young man who seemed to be a Keralite at the reception counter. He told me that in order for me to stay at the ashram for more than three days, I had to seek the permission from the ashram secretary. Under his guidance I approached the secretary swami and introduced myself, my Guruji , my studies, etc. He granted permission to me and instructed the reception counter to allot me a room. As I was about to leave the reception counter, the Swamiji added, “It is the rule of the ashram that the inmates are supposed to do service at the ashram for a few hours every day. As you are educated in English, I would like you to be in the printing press to attend to the proofreading and editing of the magazine and books being published from here.” Without a second thought, I agreed. After bathing, I visited the Samadhi Mandir of His Highness Swami Sivanandji Maharaj and the temples in the ashram premises. In the temple, I met a brahmachar i 18 with matted hair and he spoke to me as if we had known each other for a long time. His name was Shivasankaran and he became my best friend in addition to Brahmachari Jayapalan who was serving in the hospital as a medical assistant and was introduced to me by Shivasankaran. My accommodation was near the room of Swamy Sooryadevananda, who was a good singer, and his sadhana was singing and

playing the veena. He was also from Kerala and so we had no difficulty in communicating with each other. The next day I went to the press to take up my service in proofreading. A Swamiji known as Vivekananda was in charge of the press. My daily routine in the ashram would begin with proofreading/editing and end with proofreading/editing except for lunch. In those days, the workload at the press was heavy. There was no time left for my sadhana. Months passed this way and winter was at our door. This was the first time I was facing the North Indian winter, and I was not aware of the severity of the winter in Rishikesh. The ashram authorities provided me with woollen clothes, monkey caps, gloves, etc. Months passed without any personal sadhana other than proofreading and other such tasks, and whenever the secretary Swamiji met me, he would enquire about my welfare. In fact, I was fed up with this and thoughts would arise in my mind about whether it was for this that I came all the way leaving my Guru. But I could not help it. To be frank, I was worried about my food and shelter. The thoughts about my Guruji had vanished and the teachings were no longer in my mind. I used to cry during the nights as I felt I was caged in the premises of an ashram with no way out. But again, thoughts of food and shelter overpowered my brain, and I continued to spend my days and nights in a mechanical way. I could not do away with the situation of ten to twelve hours of work. Of course, I was getting pure South Indian food, a good room to stay, good clothes to wear but I felt out of place as my mind was wandering. One Sunday morning Jayapalan told me that he was going to meet Mast Ram Baba and enquired if I was interested in joining him. I had heard about Mast Ram Baba who was staying under a rock cave on the sands of the Ganga , on the other side of the river. I had heard that he was a great siddha , 19 wearing a white cloth and living alone, occasionally surrounded by devotees.

Jayapalan and I crossed the Ganga over the Jhoola Bridge, which is known as Sivananda Jhoola Pul or Ram Jhoola Pul, and we reached the feet of Mast Ram Baba. He was very old, with a lean body and was sitting in front of his cave overlooking the Ganga . As soon as I touched the holy feet, Baba looked at me for a moment and, to my amazement, asked, “How is Tara?” He was referring to my Guruji, and I was astonished. How did he know my Guruji ? In wonder and with a lot of questions in my mind, I was looking at him. Mast Ram Baba told me to sit down. He scolded me in a tough voice, “Tu isiliye ghar, parivar, Guru sab ko chod kar idhar aaya? Tum Ko Tara ne kaha tha na koyi ashram me nahi rehna, aur Ganga kinare reha kar sadhana karna. Tum ko sharam aani chahiye. Abhi tumko tumhaare Guruji ke upar koyee viswas nahi hai, aisa lagta hai. Sadhu ko aakash chat hai, aur bhoomi bichona hai. Tu yah abhi tak nahi samajh paya. Sansar ko choda aur naye sansar me aakar phas gaya. Chod sab kuch. Ab tum jawan ho; abhi sadhana nahi karega to budhape me karega kya ?” (Did you leave your home, family and Guru and come here all the way, for this? Had not Tara told you not to live in an ashram but to do sadhana by the banks of the Ganga ? You should be ashamed of yourself. It seems like you have no more faith left in your Guruji . That a sadhu should only have the sky for roof, and the earth for bed, this you have not understood. You left one world and got caught in another. Leave away all this. You are still young, if you don’t begin your sadhana now, when will you—in old age?) All this hit me like an arrow from the bow of Lord Rama. I broke into pieces. I told Jayapalan “You go back and tell the ashram people that I’m not coming back. I will stay at the banks of the Ganga ; I committed a mistake by staying in an ashram . Now I don’t want to continue there. Mast Ram Baba has opened my eyes. In fact, Jayapalan, these are not his words, but my Guruji ’s words coming through his mouth. I am not returning to the

ashram .” Jayapalan left me hesitatingly. Mast Ram Baba went inside the cave, brought a glass of milk, and started talking to me about his arrival at Rishikesh a few years back, and his sadhana (he was a Vaishnav sadhu ). He concluded, “Tumhe idhar bahar Ganga ke ret me rehana. Kal se tum ko apni sadhana shuru karni hai .” (You shall live here on the sands of the Ganga and begin your sadhana tomorrow.) I was wondering where to begin and how. The winter was at its peak, and the nights chilly. I did not have any additional clothes as I had left everything at the ashram . Baba brought me a big piece of gunny sack and said, “This will help you to stop the ferocious cold. And my boy, you have to start your sadhana from tomorrow onwards.” I asked him, “Baba , what sadhana are you talking about, I know nothing.” Baba narrated the format for the spiritual practice that I was supposed to do from the next day. Baba told me, “In the morning after you bathe, all you have to do is to go to the bazaar daily for 21 days and collect the banana peels thrown here and there. You have to move around the market until noon and bring me back the peels. Don’t speak to anyone or reply to any comments, since you will be keeping mauna (vow of silence) for 21 days. Bring the peels and wash them in the Ganga , then stand in the Ganga water neck deep, and eat the banana peels which you collected. While in the Ganga , chant mentally the ‘pranava mantra’ until you finish eating the peels. This is to be repeated for 21 days.” I thought that this Baba was mad. What type of sadhana was this? However, reading my mind he said, “Bete mei pagal nahi hoon, mujhe maloom hai tum ko kya banna hai, jo tum ko malum nahi .” (Son, I’m not mad, I know what you are destined to become, but you do not know that.) I agreed. I was not supposed to take any other food other than the banana peels or Ganga jal (water of River Ganga ) for 21 days. My mind was praying to Guruji to help me understand what was going on with me. But there was no reply. The next day onwards, I started collecting banana

peels from the market by moving around, without talking to anybody. I brought the collection of peels to Baba and as per his instruction, after washing those in Ganga jal I ate them and drank a lot of Ganga jal . This was repeated daily. On the third or fourth day, some of the sadhus and brahmacharis who met me at the market saw me collecting banana peels and asked me what I was doing. I kept quiet. They commented, “Nadananda has become mad.” One day while I was collecting the banana peels one of the swamijis known to me at the ashram came near and asked whether I would like some jilebees (sweet crullers). I was tempted. My legs started moving towards the hotel. I heard a sound “Khabardar, tu kya kar raha hai me dekhta hun. Bete galat nahi karna. ”(Beware, I am watching what you are doing. Son don’t make a mistake). Immediately I withdrew myself from there and reached Baba’s place. Baba scolded me, “Tuney kya socha hai, mein tumko dektha nahi, jo bola aise karna, nahi to sadhana viphal hogi. ” (What were you thinking—that I was not watching you? Do as I say otherwise your sadhana will be unsuccessful.) That very same day, I had an attack of diarrhoea, and had about 10 to 15 bowel movements which made me very weak. Baba was observing my weak body and eyes. This was the 6th day of the sadhana, and I had 15 days still left. I felt that I would not be able to go to the market the next day for the collection of banana peels due to weakness. However in the evening Baba walked near me and said, “Tu kyon vrudha chinta kartha hai. Andar ka malinya sab bahar jaana hai. Isiliye tum ko yah dasth aaya acha hai .” (Why do you worry needlessly—all the toxins within have to go out, it was a good thing you had diarrhoea.) He asked me lie down in Shavasana (yogic posture) lifted both my legs by grabbing the big toes and pulled. Lo! From then on, there were no more diarrhoea. I had become very weak. Days passed by quickly and nobody was there to take care of me other than Baba. Baba had even instructed his disciples not to come to me or interact with me. I was all alone, doing the

same sadhana of bringing banana peels, and cleaning and eating them, standing in the Ganga for some time, drinking the Gangajal and simply lying down on the sands. I felt as if death was swallowing me and the thought of life in the ashram was so good, that I was cursing myself as to why I came to see this Baba . Reading my mind, Baba came to me and said “Bete ( Son)... you do not understand what you are doing now. The day when you do understand it, you will not think me mad.” On the last and the 21st day of my sadhana , I completed the morning routine and was simply lying down on the sands thinking what was coming next. Mast Ram Baba came to me and said “Aaj tumara sadhana poori hojaegi. Kal tum ko idhar se jana hai. Idhar se kareeb nav din ki doori mein pagdanti rasta mei jayega to Vyas Ghat aayega. Udhar tumko ek sadhu milega, vah tumko baki sadhana bataayega, kal sooryoday me tum ko jaana hai .” (Your sadhana will end today. You have to leave from here tomorrow. After nine days of travel, you will get to Vyas Ghat, where you will meet a sadhu who will instruct you on the next sadhana . You have to leave at sunrise tomorrow.) After telling me this, Baba took a handful of sand from the Ganga shore, applied it on my body, and left for his cave. I was wondering what was happening to me. I was very tired and unable to walk. How could I walk for nine days? With all these thoughts, I slept. The morning was very cold. I had only the gunny bag cloth which Baba had given me. I got up and was feeling very energetic and with all confidence did my morning ablutions. I felt a little thirsty, but not hungry. While bathing I saw Baba approaching me. I greeted him with prostration and asked, “Mujhe rastha maloom nahi, Vyas Ghat tak kayse pahunchunga, aur Baba yeh bataiye is prakar ki sadhana ka matlab kya hai ?” (I don’t know the route to Vyas Ghat, how am I going to reach there and Baba , please tell me what is the purpose of this kind of sadhana ?)

Baba said, “Tum ko chinta karne ki koyi jaroorat nahi. Yah pagh dandi rasthe se jao. Han, ek baath dhyan rakhna, koyi gaon wale ne bulakar bhiksha di tho khana, nahi tho us din upvas me rahana. Kisi se kuch bhi nahi poochna. Ab chalo, gufa me aakar kuch prasad kha kar jao.” (You don’t need to worry, just follow the route of this footpath. Just remember this—only if a villager offers you bhiksha , you may eat, otherwise you must fast. Never ask anyone for anything. Now, come to my cave and eat some prasad ). I went along with Baba to his cave, there were one or two devotees there who were looking at me with great reverence and bowed in prostration before me. Baba went inside and brought a glass filled with milk and some kalkandam (sugar candy). Baba said, “Yeh dhood peelo, our yeh misri tumare sath rakho. Jis din bhiksha nahi mili, us din is me se thoda khana, ab Ganga mayya ko pranam kar ke Ganga kinare jao .” (Drink this milk. Keep this sugar candy with you and the day you are not offered any bhiksha , you may eat a little of this. Now offering prayers to Mother Ganga, make your way along her banks.) My mind and body were shivering, for what reason I do not know, but they were shivering. With the same frame of mind and body, I drank the milk and offered my salutations to Baba and from there started my journey further. I tied the misri or kalkandam, which Baba had given me, like a bundle on one side of the dhoti I was wearing as I did not have a bag or any extra clothes. After walking a considerable distance I realized that I was neither tired nor weak, and that my footsteps were firm and steady. I continued my journey towards the next destination. The first day of walking was enjoyable. It was nearing dusk; the night about to cover the hills when I saw an old temple a few yards away, up a hill. The sight of the temple made me think that I should rest there. So I started walking towards the temple and when I entered, the temple priest was performing the evening arathi with ceremony. I noticed that this was the temple of the local village goddess. I

sat in the small temple corridor. After completion of the arathi the temple priest approached me, asking, “Where are you heading towards?” I told him, “Vyas Ghat.” He replied, “Vyas Ghat is far away from this place. It will take four to five days to get there from here by walk(villagers walk fast hence my 9 days of walk is equivalent to their 4–5 days of walk). You are requested to grace our house to have your bhiksha and take rest there till morning.” I replied, “As per my Guru ’s order, I’m not supposed to stay in any village; hence, if you permit me I shall stay here in the corridor of the temple.” The priest agreed to my request and left the temple. Feeling a bit tired, I was about to lie down in the temple corridor after my salutations to the local deity, when I noticed a small light moving fast in the direction of the temple. There was no need to be afraid—I could see that it was the temple priest along with two of his friends approaching me with a basket covered with a dirty cloth. The moment they reached me, they paid their homage and requested that I eat the rotis (flat round bread cooked on a griddle) and chutney they had brought for me. When I responded with resistance, they said “You are a guest in our village, and guests are treated as gods in this part of the world, hence please do not say no to our offerings, please have the food we have brought for you.” I could not refuse, remembering Baba ’s word that I could eat food offered by any villager. I was surprised to note the hospitality of the villagers even though they were poor and illiterate. I have found this throughout my journey in the Himalayan ranges. They served me roti and chutney made of leaves. I took two rotis and returned the remaining to them. The priest took them saying they were now like prasadam to them, and that they would distribute them among all the houses in the village. They left after their salutations to me. I could not sleep that night, as it was too cold to sleep in the open corridor of a temple on the shores of the Ganga.

Next morning, I woke up and after completing ablutions resumed my journey towards Vyas Ghat.

Towards Vyas Ghat

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t was the fifth day of my journey towards Vyas Ghat. I was enjoying the journey and the last four days of the journey I never had to walk without food. Food was offered to me either by some villager, or from any small mandir (temple) on the way or from any sadhus living in their huts. Sometimes I got rotis and sometimes I got rice and dal or curry . I was enjoying the journey without a second thought. Once I was walking along a narrow footpath. To my right side was the side of a big hill and to the left a deep cliff plunging down 200–250 feet to Ganga Mata . I had darshan of Ganga Mata almost every day, as the trail was along her shore. Certain places it was difficult to go down to fetch water or bathe. On such days I used water from the streams coming down from the hills. I was passing through a difficult narrow path one day, when on the right side of the hills I heard a sound, and saw a buffalo running towards me. It came very close, just a few yards away. There was nowhere for me to escape to or to give way to the wild buffalo. It came so near me that to save my life, I jumped to the left side, or rather my legs slipped and I rolled down towards Mother Ganga —200–250 feet down on the hillside. A few ladies were bathing and washing clothes there and must have seen me falling, for I heard the sound of their laughter. I had lost consciousness and did not move for a few minutes and the ladies must have got anxious. I heard the sound of people reaching out to me. Their language sounded different, a strange tongue. Somebody sprinkled water on my face, and one of them helped me sit up straight, leaning against a rock. Slowly I regained consciousness. There was a lot of blood on my body as I was cut and bruised by the rough rocky surface as I was falling down the hill. I was finally at ease. One of the ladies brought me some Ganga jal to drink, another collected some leaves, ground them on a stone, mixed it with

Ganga jal and made a paste and applied it on my body. I was wearing a dhoti only and that was the only set of clothes I had. As I was falling down, somewhere I had lost my companion, the gunny bag cloth given to me by Mast Ram Baba, which used to guard me against the cold weather. Slowly I stood up with the help of those ladies. I thanked them and was about to leave when one of them said, “Maharaj, aaj ithar ganv mein vishram karo. Tum ko bahut dard lagta hoga. Ganv me ek vaidya hai. Un se davayi lekar jao. ” (Maharaj, today please rest in the village. It must be hurting. There is a physician there who can give you some medicine.) I told them, “Nahi mata, mere Guruji ki agya hai koyi bhi ganv me raat rukhna nahi, aas pas me koyi mandir hai to bolo, mein udhar rahoonga .” (No mother, my Guru ’s orders are not to stay in any village, but if there is a temple nearby, I can rest there.) As I was getting ready to move, one of them said, “Maharaj, thodi door me ek maharaj rahaten hai. Maloom nahi vah udhar hai ya nahi. Bhagya hai to unko miliega. Do teen din udhar visram kar kea agey badna !” (Mahara j, at a little distance there is a sadhu’ s hut. I’m not sure if he is there, but if you are lucky to find him, you must rest there two–three days before continuing.) I thanked them deeply and resumed my journey. It was difficult for me to climb back up to the footpath in the middle of the hill. With the help of one of those ladies, I could climb the hill and resumed my journey towards Vyas Ghat. My whole body was aching and my legs felt as if they would break into pieces. But I continued walking slowly towards my destination. After a few hours of journey, I could easily see a kashaya dhvaja (saffron flag) on a hut. It seemed as if it were inviting me. When I reached there I found that it was empty. A dhooni (fire pit) was burning inside the hut and there was no door to that hut. I just sat outside and, perhaps because of exhaustion, was overcome by deep sleep. Suddenly I heard a sound and woke up to see an old Maharaj near me. He sat close and asked, “Jyada chot to nahi laga.” (Hope the injuries were not bad.) I wondered how this

old man knew that I had fallen down. Some villagers might have told him. In villages news spreads like wildfire. That Swamiji told me, “Aao, andar aao. Kuch chai peena. Mein kuch roti banatha hun, phir hum log baath karenge .” (Come on in, and have some tea. I will make some rotis and then we shall talk.) He offered me hot tea. Of course it was not the traditional tea; it was perhaps made of some wild leaves. It tasted different. But to my wonder, as soon as I drank the tea offered by the Swamiji my tiredness and body pain had vanished. Maybe he read my mind for he said, “Yeh chai Badari ka tulsi se banaya hai. Sadharan chai patti ke nahi ’. (This tea is not the regular tea, it is made from badari and tulsi leaves.) After eating roti and dal , we spoke with each other for some time. At night he offered me a blanket as it was extremely cold. But since the fire was burning, I felt I should not accept the blanket. But he said, “Tumara sab niyam rahaker Himalaya me jeena mushkil hai. Thandi hai, kambal oadh lo .” (It is hard to follow rigorous rules and survive in the Himalayas; it is cold, so take the blanket.) I asked him, “Idhar se kithna door hai Vyas Ghat ?”(How far is Vyas Ghat from here?) Maharaj said, “Subah uthkar tej chalega to shyam tak pahunchega. Lekin muje lagta hai kal tum nahi jayega, acha hai do din bad chalo .”(If you left at dawn and walked fast, you might reach by dusk. But I don’t think you will leave tomorrow, better that you leave after a couple of days.) I did not reply. I had drifted into sleep. I woke up next morning to find the maharaj gone. My body was shivering, I felt feverish, yet I tried to get up from the asan which the maharaj had spread for me but in vain. I was running a high fever. The maharaj then appeared and said to me, “Uthaaya nahi. Thak gaya soach kar mai bulaya nahi .” (I didn’t wake you up because I thought you were tired.) “Thodi door me ek jheel hai. Uthar ja kar nitya karm karke aao .” (There is a stream nearby for your ablutions) Once again I tried to get up but failed. Maharaj came near me and touched my body and sensed the

fever. He said, “Bukhar hai. Mei bola tha na, do din visram karke janaa acha hai. Rasthe mein bukhar aaya to kya kartha ?” (You have a fever. Did I not ask you to rest for a couple days? What if you had developed fever on the way?). It is in the nature of the sadhus in the Himalayas to help others even if they had almost no possessions themselves. I heard him say, “Tum let jao Maharaj. Mei kal jaise kuch chai banatha hum. Dhoop aane ke bad uthna .” (You lie down, Maharaj . I shall prepare a special tea for you. Arise only after the sun is up in the sky). I took another cup of tea. The maharaj had only a few mud pots and a thava (griddle) to make his roti . I asked him, “Maharaj, kitne saal se ithar rahate hain .” (Maharaj , how long have you lived here?) He said, “Pahale mere Guruji ithar rahate the. Unki samadhi hone ke baad maine is sthan ko choda nahi. Kareeb 8–10 saal hogaya hoga. Ganv vale kuch kaccha ration lakar dete hai. Us se nirvah hota hai. Mein kabhi yah sthaan chod kar nahi jata hoon kyon ki yah sthaan mere Guruji ka hai, gurusthan ka dekhbhaal karna sishyon ka dharma hai .” (My Guru used to live here before. After his samadhi , I did not leave the place and have been here for 8–10 years now. The villagers bring me rations with which I manage. Taking care of the guru’ s place or gurusthaan is the dharma of a disciple.) From his accent I could make out that he belonged to either Bihar or eastern Uttar Pradesh. He got ready to do some pooja ; sat near his fire, cleaned it, applied tilak , and started chanting some Shiv stotras (hymns). Perhaps due to the fever I fell asleep again. A long time passed, and the Swamiji woke me up to check on the fever. The morning tea had worked wonders. There was no fever anymore. l went out for ablution and came back to the maharaj . He was busy preparing a meal of rice and dal and while cooking he was talking to me. “Din me kuch chaval pakatha hai our raat ko roti. Mein akela hai na, kuch banakar Guruji ko naivedyam lagakar me khata hun .” (I cook rice for the day and rotis for night time. Though I’m alone, I always first offer the food as naivedyam 20 (oblation) to my

Guru before eating.) I was lucky to have the food cooked by that Swamiji, as he seemed very pure-hearted. He was always chanting, “Shiva. Shiva. Shiva.” We both ate rice and dal . The dal tasted different from the usual, as the Swamiji had put some forest leaves in it. Once again I slept. By the time I could wake up, the sun was about to set. Swamiji went for the evening bath. He came back quickly and did evening arathi , offering it to the fire and his Guruji’s photo. I too did namaskars to his Guruji and the fire. I told Swamiji , “Raat mein kuch nahi khaoonga. Mujhe bhook nahi lagta .” (I don’t want to eat tonight as I am not hungry.) Swamiji said, “Aise hai to mein bhi aaj kuch nahi khata hai. Ganv wala kal mujhe to packet biscuit la kar diya. Vah kha kar chai peayoonga .”(In that case I will not eat either. The villagers dropped off some biscuits yesterday and I will have those with tea.) At night we had only tea and biscuits. It was quite a cold night. Swamiji made fire with more fire. Both of us slept near the fire. It was early morning when Swamiji called me and said, “Thakavat nahi to ab chalne ki tayyaari karo. Ab chalega to shayad raat ke pehele Vyas Ghat pahunchega. ” (If the fatigue is gone, get ready to leave. If you leave now, you may perhaps reach Vyas Ghat before dusk.) I got up and post nitya karma (daily ablutions) was ready to move. Swamiji gave me a packet of biscuits and a kambal (blanket) and said, “Vyas Ghat tak rasthe mei koy ganv nahi milega. Bhook lage to yah biscuit kha kar paani pee lena . ‘Shiv bhole’ aap ki yatra subh kare .” (There is no village on the way to Vyas Ghat. If you feel hungry, eat these biscuits and drink some water. May Lord Shiva bless you on the journey.) I did namaskars to Swamiji, to his Guruji’s photo and to the fire and left. Slowly my legs moved forward to Vyas Ghat.

At Vyas Ghat

I

tried to walk fast but could not as I was walking barefoot. My feet were torn by thorns and stones, and both sides of the path were covered with thick forest. The gushing sound of the Ganga in the middle of the hills was pleasure to the ears. I was walking down the hills coming on to smaller hills. It was almost noon; however, the sun was not scorching since it was winter time. I was enjoying the journey. Of course there was a little bit of fatigue because of the fever. I reached the shores of the Ganga and washed my face and drank handfuls of water, and ate the biscuits which were a boon from the Swamiji with whom I stayed last night. As he had said, there was no village within my sight. Both sides of the road were covered with dense forests, and the chirping sounds of the birds and animals welcomed me at every step. I walked as fast as I could, afraid that I might be in the midst of the forest at nightfall. It was evening, and I was really tired due to the continuous journey. My legs started to hurt, and far away I saw a person walking down carrying firewood on his head. I shouted “Bhai, ek minute ruko, ek minute ruko. ” (Brother, wait a minute). He stopped and looked at me with surprise. I asked him, “Bhai, Vyas Ghat kitana door hai ?”(Brother, how far is Vyas Ghat?) He said, “Maharaj aap ko kahan jaana hai? Silsu ganv me hai kya ?”(Maharaj , where do you need to go? Is it to Silsu village?) I said to him, “Nahi bhai, muje Vyas Ghat mein ek maharaj ko milna hai, Vyas Ghat kitna doori mein hai ?” (No brother, I need to go to Vyas Ghat to meet a Maharaj . How far is it?)

He looked at me for a moment and said, “Oh I Wah, ek gufa wala Baba, dekho aage wala mod ke baad aur ek mod aayega, uske baad dahine dekho to ek chotta pahad dikhayi dega, uthar ek gufa hain, shayad tum dhoondnewalla maharaj uthar rehtha hai. ” (After the second turn, if you look to your right, you will see a small hill which has a cave. There is a maharaj who lives there and he may be the one you are looking for.) Again, I asked him, “Aap ko pakka patha hai vahi Vyas Ghat ke baba hain ?”(Do you know for sure if that is the baba of Vyas Ghat?) He replied “Dekho maharaj, ham logaon ko maharaj logon ke pas ja kar baithne ke liye samay kahan milta hai. Din raat kaam karna, do roti khana, sona, yahi hamara jeevan hai. Maine ek maharaj ko us gufa me dekha hai. Aur hamare ganv ke janani log unko roti dene ko har din jate hai. Us gufa se door hamara ganv Silsoo hai. Ab rukega to mujhe deri hoga isiliye, me aage jata hun. ”(Look here, maharaj , we people do not have time to sit near sadhus . We work hard all day long, eat simple food and sleep. I have seen a maharaj in that cave. The mothers of our village go and offer him rotis . But my village Silsoo is far from the cave, and I will be late if I stay here anymore, so I have to go now.) He started walking fast towards his village with a huge bundle of firewood on his head. I followed him; however I could not match his speed. After walking for about an hour, I observed that the sun was about to set and I was getting tired, and did not know how far I needed to walk to reach my destination. I tried to walk fast as I did not want to get stuck for the whole night in the middle of the forest. After walking awhile, I noticed a small light from nowhere in the midst of a hill. I initially thought it might be a village, on getting closer I realized that the light was from a cave, and it might be the same cave where the maharaj was staying. From the top of the hill I could hear a voice saying, “Hai maharaj, udhar se sidha oopar

chado. Yahee rasthahai .” (Hey maharaj, start climbing up right from where you are, that is the way.) As the cave was at the top of the hill, I started climbing up, but it was not as easy as it appeared, since the hill was quite steep and slippery. I was getting tired and started feeling hungry as I had not eaten anything since the morning, and thought that I was losing my stamina. However, I could not figure out what was pulling me up towards the cave. I did not stop climbing. After climbing for an hour or so, I finally reached the front of the cave and could see a small light revealing the inside of the cave. I could see a Swamiji wearing only a loincloth sitting near the light. I stood still at the opening of the cave, waiting to get permission to enter. Minutes passed, but there was no sound from inside. In a low voice, I called “Swamiji Maharaj .” Now I heard a sound from inside “Oh tum aaya, Mast Ram ne bheja hai na ?” (Oh you are here. Mast Ram has sent you, isn’t it?) Once again I was completed amazed. How did these Himalayan swamis know all about me? He spoke from inside the cave again, “Kyon bahar khada hai, andar aao .” (Why do you stand outside, come on in.) I went inside slowly. Swamiji was sitting in siddha asan. A small earthen lamp filled with some oil was burning there. I looked at Swamiji and according to the rules of sanyasis , offered my salutations to him by saying “Om namo narayana, maharaj !” He asked me to sit down. I sat with difficulty as my legs were swollen because of the long Journey of 7–8 days. I did namaskars to the maharaj . He was dark-skinned and well built. He looked at me and smiled. “Tho, tum ho vahi, jo Mast Ram ne bheja hai. Acha hua beta, tum Mast Ram ke saath sadhana kiya. Rastha mai koyi takleef to nahi hui? ” (Ah, you are the one sent by Mast Ram. It’s a good thing you did sadhana with Mast Ram, my son. Hope you didn’t have any trouble along the way?) I said, “Maharaj, aap ki krupa se koyee takleef nahi hui. Mast Ram Baba ne mujhe aap ke paas bheja hai. Kyon mujhe maloom nahi. Shayed aap jante honge .” (Maharaj , by your grace, I had no trouble. I have no idea why Mast Ram Baba has sent me to you. Perhaps you know why.)

The maharaj replied, “Haan bete, jaroor maloom he. Tumara jeevan ek pratyek kam ke liye hai. Guru kripa se tum yeha tak pahunche. Ab chinta mat kar. Tum thak gaya hoga na. kuch kha kar visram karo. Kal ham bath karenge .” (Yes son, I know for sure. Your life is for a certain purpose. Due to the grace of your Guru, you have reached here. Do not worry anymore. You must be tired. Eat something and rest. We shall talk tomorrow.) I looked around. There was nothing other than two or three mud pots. He gave me one mud pot containing water and said, “Haath mukh dho lo. Kuch khao aur so jao. ” (Wash your hands and face, eat something and go to sleep). I went out of the cave with the water pot. It was dark, and standing near the cave I washed my hands, feet, and face and came back inside. Once again the maharaj went near the mud pots and brought 2–3 rotis and some potato curry and gave them to me to eat. However, I asked him “Maharaj aap nahi khaoge ?”(Maharaj , will you not eat as well?) He replied, “Bete, main din me ek baar khata hum. Vah bhi ganv vala la kar deta to. Aaj tum ayega muje maalum tha. Isliye do roti bachaakar rakha tha. Tum khao .” (Son, I eat only once a day and that too only if the villagers bring me food. I knew you would be coming here today so I saved a couple of rotis for you to eat.) There were tears in my eyes while eating the rotis , because the Swamiji had kept aside food from his bhiksha for me, awaiting my arrival. What a divine arrangement! I very well understood this was due to my guru’ s kripa (grace) only. After eating we were ready to sleep. I was very tired and when Swamiji just lay down on his bed made of gunny bags, I spread my kambal and lay down too. For a few minutes there was a silence. Then he started talking, “Tum bachpan se chandi path padtha tha na. Kuch arth samje bina tum paath kiya kartha tha. Ab tum mere paas aneka prayojan yah hai tum chandi paath us ka arth aur rahasya sahit

samajhoge.” (You have been reciting the Chandi Paath since childhood, have you not, but without understanding its meaning? Now that you are with me, you will learn the meaning and sacred secrets behind it.) I wondered how this old Swamiji knew that I used to recite the Chandi Paath since my childhood. He was reading my mind—“Sab kuch maloom hai, sub kuch. Tum kaun ho, aur tumhara karthavya kya hai vah tum nahi janta hai, par mei janta hum. Tum ko ascharya hone ki koyee jaroorat nahi. ” (I know everything, everything about you. You do not know what work you are meant to do, but I do. No need to be incredulous.) I was thinking about how things were getting linked, how they were happening—first at Mookambika with my Guruji , then Mast Ram Baba, now this Swamiji , all these people were antaryamis (omniscient, knowing the hearts and minds of others). All these were the thoughts on my mind and as though Swamiji was reading my thoughts, said, “Antaryami hai, vahi, jisne ham ko paida kiya, aur palan kartha hai. Vah jagat janani ham logon ke ooper kuch jimmedariyan deti hai. Us me ek tum ho. Jyada sochne ki kya jaroorat hai. Sab kuch pahele se nirnay ho chuka hai. Ab ham ko kya, vahi nirnaya ko palan karna hai. Tum thak gaye ho, so jao, subhah baath karenge. ” (The real Antaryami is the One who gave birth to all of us, and is sustaining us. That Universal Mother has thrust some responsibilities on us, and you are one of them. No need for too much analysis, everything is predestined. All we need to do is to go along with that, with the flow. You are tired, you must sleep, let us talk in the morning.) I was thinking about the reasons. I wanted reasoning for anything and everything; that had been my mentality from childhood. The maharaj said, “Har baath ka kaaran mat dhoondho. Vah tum ko pareshan karega. Jo saamne aathe hai, us ko sweekar karne ko seekho.” There was a little roughness in these words. (Don’t keep looking for a reason for everything,

it will stress you. Learn to accept whatever situation arises.) Swamiji added, “Subah uth kar Gangaji me jaakar snan kar, aur phir ham baat karega, ab tum so jaao .” (When you wake up in the morning, go and bathe in Mother Ganga, we shall talk again, now you must sleep.) Swamiji was about to sleep and I was lost in my thoughts. After few minutes I heard him snore and I too slowly fell into deep sleep.

Days at Vyas Ghat

M

y stay at Vyas Ghat was for fifteen days only, but those fifteen days are unforgettable. Everyday Swamiji and I used to bathe in the Ganga and sit on the shore of the river. Swamiji told me details about the Durga Saptasati (Chandi Paath ). I used to recite the shlokas one by one, and Swamiji used to clarify the meanings and the secret meaning of the shlokas . In fact, according to Swamiji the book is one of the foremost Advaita treatises, which common people never tried to understand. The so-called priests only chant the shlokas without knowing the meaning. It may not make any difference to them, as they only know the chanting as well as the story part of it. (As there is a book Guptavati teeka , I am not giving detailed meanings of the shlokas , etc., here) Swamiji took classes till afternoon and later we would return to the cave where the villagers would bring us food. Sometimes it would be rice and dal , and sometimes roti and curry or chutney . I used to walk around the hills and forests as it reminded me of the days with my Guruji at Mookambika, and I really enjoyed these fifteen days of my stay at Vyas Ghat. The days were running fast, and one day Swamiji said, “Kal yeh padhai poori hogi. Main samajhta hoon ki ab tak chandi path ka rahasya pahli pankti samjha hoga. Kal tumko aakar pandrah din ho jayege. Parso tum ko idhar sa jaana hai .” (Your studies end tomorrow. I guess that by now you have learned the meaning of Chandi Paath all through right from the first verse. The day after tomorrow, you have to leave from here.) In fact, I was not at all interested in leaving the Swamiji , the cave and the forests. The day of my leaving Swamiji finally arrived. In the morning, Swamiji said, “Agar tum abhi chalega to dopahar tak Devprayag

pahunchega. Kuch kha kar chalo, maine ganv valon ko jaldi roti laane ko kaha hai. ” (If you start now, you will reach Devprayag by noon. Eat before you leave. I have asked the villagers to bring rotis a little earlier today.) He was about to complete his words when a lady from the village came with roti . I shared the food with Swamiji, and bid farewell to him. I started walking. After half an hour of my journey towards Devprayag, I noticed an old temple of the Mother Goddess down the footpath on the banks of the Ganga . I went near the temple and did namaskars and continued on my journey. On the way I witnessed a wonderful scene. A swamiji was standing still on the banks of the Ganga near his hut, and a shishya was taking care of his bathing needs. I sat there for a few minutes and one of villagers I had met along the way also sat down to rest there. The villager told me that he was Khadeswari Baba. For the last ten years he had never sat or lay down. He was always in the standing position, in Mauna , keeping his right hand raised up. His disciples took care of his food, water, etc. I had heard about such sadhanas in the Himalayas before. This type of sadhana is known as ‘Asuri sadhana’ or ‘Tamoguni sadhana’ . The sadhak tortures his body—a difficult penance— in order to attain siddhis which will then be used for his pleasures. I resumed walking towards Devprayag. I was feeling sleepy and tired, which slowed my walk. There were many villagers heading towards Devprayag for purchases; they were talking loudly and whenever they passed in front of me, they paid me respects by prostrating. I would accept them, but never raised my hands to give blessings, as I was myself unaware of my eligibility to bless others. Who was I to bless anybody?

Dev Prayag

F

inally I reached Devprayag. It was almost evening. I was delighted to see the beautiful scenery of the Ganga flowing through the mountains and the view of the ghat (river banks). This is one of the five prayags (river confluences) in Uttarakhand. I went to the ghat and sat there for a few minutes before bathing. After my bath while I was sitting on the banks, I noticed a lady sanyasi (sadhvi ) wearing a kafni walking towards me. In no time she reached and sat near me and asked “Tumhari yatra theek to hai na? Meri behen kaise hai ?”(Hope you are having a good journey, and how is my sister?) I wondered who the lady was asking about. Reading my thoughts she said, “Tara, tumhare Guruji, vah meri behen hai. Mera naam Asha hai .” (Tara, your Guruji is my sister. My name is Asha.) I had heard my Guruji mention her name during my stay in Mookambika. I stood up and did namaskar to that Mayee (Mother). She said, “Baith jao beta. Tara ne tumko ek bhiksha pathra diya hai na, mujhe dikhao. Maine bahut samay se vah pathra dekha nahi. Vah ham logon ki parampara ka ashirvad hai .” (Sit down, son. Tara gave you a bowl, did she not? Can you show it to me; I have not seen it in a long time. The bowl is the blessing of our tradition or lineage.) I had been keeping my bhiksha pathra very safely and carefully during my journey. It was in my hands, covered with a cloth which my Guruji would wear as a scarf occasionally. I opened the cloth cover and showed the pathra to Ashamayee. I had never expected that I would meet Ashamayee so soon. She said, “Tara told me that you will be reaching Devprayag today. I have been waiting for you since yesterday. I was supposed to be on my way to Triyuginarayan now. Then I remembered that my son was coming,

and I thought since he is on the way, let me wait and see him.” The communication system of the Himalayan yogis/sadhus is quite wonderful. They have no need for telegram, telephone, or the postal department. Their thought waves with their messages pass from one place to another. During those days I was unaware of this technique. In the course of my stay in the Himalayas, one yogi taught me how to send and receive thought waves. Ashamayee was telling me again, “Bete, saptasathi rahasya tum ne vah baba se seekha. Is se poora nahi hua. Tum ko bahut varsh is Himalaya mein rah kar sadhana karni hai, samaysamay se koi na koi aa kar tum ko sab kuch bathayega. Un sab ko guru bhav me dekho. Ye sab log tumhare guru Tara se bhinn nahi. Tatva mein guru sab ek hai. Roop me kuch...Bhinnata jaroor dikhayi degi.” (Son, you have learned the sacred secrets of the Saptasati from the saint, but you are not finished yet. You have many more years of sadhana left in the Himalayas. From time to time, people will appear before you to impart instruction. They are not really any other than your Guru Tara. Though they may seem different in physical appearance, but the Guru tattva , an element or principle is the same in all.) I understood that all these yogis/gurus are interlinked and they easily convey their thoughts to one another. Ashamayee was looking with emotion at the bhiksha pathra . She held the pathra for a while in her hand and prostrated to it again and again. I saw tears of bliss in her eyes. Ashamayee looked very similar to my Guruji , perhaps a bit taller. Her face very closely resembled my Guruji’ s. At that time I did not know that this Ashamayee was my Guruji’s own sister and then guru-behen as well. It was almost sunset time when some sadhus came to the ghat for their sandhyavandan (prayers offered three times a day). They saw Ashamayee and paid their respects to her in the traditional way of “Om Namo Narayana, mata .” She also reciprocated with “Om Namo Narayana.” All of a sudden, Ashamayee stood up and asked me to accompany her. We went to the corner of the ghat, and she took a handful of vibhooti (sacred ash) from her shoulder bag

and dropped it in the bhiksha pathra . Then she dipped the bhiksha pathra into the Ganga and held it inside the waters for a few seconds. She then lifted up the pathra, and allowed the Ganga jal to slowly come out of the pathra . She then handed it to me. To my wonder, the vibhooti in the bhiksha pathra was not wet even though she had kept it dipped in the water for a few seconds. The vibhooti was as dry as before. I looked at Ashamayee with puzzlement. She laughed and said, “Ascharya ho raha hai na. Yahee is kappar ke visheshata hai. Yah kappar ham logon ki guru parampara ka upyog kiya huva hai. Is se adhik pavitra vasthu is duniya me nahi. Tumhara bhagya hai. Yah tum ko prapt hua. Mujhse Tara ne bola tha is pathra ke yogya tum hee hai. Is ko sada suraskshit rakhana. Jab tum ek Guru banoge, tab iska upyog samaj mei aayega .” (You are surprised, are you not? This is the speciality of this kappar . There is nothing quite as sacred as this kappar , which has been in usage in our Guru Parampara throughout. It is your good fortune that it has come to you now. Tara had told me that it is only you who has the eligibility to possess this now, so you must safeguard it. When you become a Guru one day, you will come to know its usage.) Once again Ashamayee did namaskar to the bhiksha pathra and again said, “Tum idhar baitho. Main raat ke pehele jaa kar kuch khana ko lakar ayee .” (You wait here. I will go and bring you some food before it gets dark.) She moved away quickly. I was sitting all alone on the banks of the Ganga in the corner of the ghat , holding the kappar in hand. (After few years when I became a guru by the grace of my Guruji , I understood the value of the kappar very clearly and even now I keep it with me always, and have bhiksha in it only on selected days.) Ashamayee returned after half an hour carrying some pooris and curry with her. She sat near me and put the food into her bhiksha pathra . She had brought some water in another pathra from Ganga, offered the food to Mother Ganga . (This is the tradition among Himalayan sadhus , that

whatever they eat they will offer first to Mother Ganga and Shiva before eating it.) Ashamayee did not allow me to eat myself. As a mother feeds her child, Ashamayee fed me with her own hands. There were tears once again in my eyes. I remembered the days with my Guruji when she would feed me like this. My mind was full of thoughts of my Guruji . In these Himalayas, an unknown place to me, I had met my Guruji’s sister. And here she was now feeding me filled with motherly affection. I thought how lucky I was to get some prasadam from my Guruji herself. Ashamayee had vanished before my eyes and I could only see my Guruji sitting and feeding her child. I wept. Ashamayee’s voice reached my ears, “Kyon rota hai re? Tara ki yaad aayi hai kya? Mere aur Tara me kya farak hai? Jo vah hai vahee main hun. Tum ro mat. Poori khao. Mujhe tum se bahut batein karni hai. ” (Why do you weep? Are you remembering Tara? There is no difference between her and me, so don’t be upset. Eat the pooris . I have so much to tell you.) In fact, I was unable to swallow the food I was eating; it would not go down my throat. I felt this was enough. I could not eat anymore. I said, “Amma , bas, ab tum khao.” (Mother, I’m done, now you eat.) Ashamayee was not ready to listen. She made me drink some water and again started feeding me. One sadhu came to the ghat and looking at us was very amused. He said, “Asha mata, tum ko apna beta mila hai na? Khilao jee bar kar lekin, ek baat mat bhoolna. Ham sanyasiyon ko itni mamata nahi hona chahiye. ” (Mother Asha, you found your son? Feed him to your heart’s content, but don’t forget that sanyasis should not develop attachments.) Asha Mata replied to him, “Sanyasi to jaroor hai, lekin main ek mata hai. Tum log jaise kathor dil ke nahi hai. Meri mamta ka arth hai, ay mere beta, tum log jaise kathor baba nahi banne doongi isko. Isko sada ham matru bhav mei me rakhoongi .” (I may be a sanyasi but I am also a mother and not hard-hearted like you folks. I will always regard him with maternal

affection and make sure that he does not become hard-hearted like you.) “Bahut acha ” (very well), the baba said and taking some Ganga jal in his kamandal (an oblong water pot used by ascetics or yogis to store and carry water), disappeared. Now Ashamayee finished eating the remaining food and washing her bhiksha pathra , came, sat near me and started talking, “Beta, ek baath dhyan se suno. Mei kal subah Triyuginarayan jaa rahi hum. Tumko kal hee vapas jana padega .” (Son, listen to me carefully. I leave for Triyuginarayan in the morning, and you need to turn back tomorrow.) I wondered and asked, “Kaham vapas jana maa?” (Where do I have to return to, Mother?) She said, “Tum kal vapas Vyas Ghat jaao. Udhar rasthe me tumne ek purana devi mandir dekha hai na? Vah mandir Silsoo ganv valon ka hai. Tum us mandir ke neeche ke gufa mein jaa kar rahana aur sadhana karna. Silsoo vala log tumare roti ki vyavastha karenge. Ab thandi ka mausam hai. Abhi tum baccha hai. Is thandi mei tum Himalaya yatra nahi karna. Agle sal garmi mein tum yatra shuroo karo. ” (Return to Vyas Ghat tomorrow. Remember the temple of the goddess that you visited along the way? That is in the village of Silsoo. You must do sadhana in the cave that is below that temple. The villagers will take care of your food. You are but young and the Himalayan winter is harsh, and not a good time to travel. Continue your journey in the summer.) It was difficult for me to understand but my Guruji’s words were in my mind, “Tumhare rasthe me tumhare jaroorat ki vyaystha main karoongi. Chinta mat karo .” (I will take care of all your needs along your journey, do not worry.) I asked Ashamayee, “Amma tum bhi mere saath udhar raho, ham saath rahenge .” (Mother, you also come with me, we will stay there together.)

Ashamayee declined. “Nahin beta. Tara kahati hai, jyada mamta aur pyar se tum mere bete ko bigaadna nahi. Main tumere sath nahi rahoongi .” (No, son. Tara says not to spoil her son with too much love and affection. I will not be able to stay with you.) Night had fallen and it was very cold as we were sitting on the river bank. Ashamayee told me that as I had travelled the entire day, I should sleep now. Mayee said “Bahut chala hai na, tum abhi visram karo. Kambal odkar meri godh me sar rahkar so jao. Mei raat sota nahi, jap kar ke baithi hun .”(You have walked a long way; you must rest, wrap yourself in the blanket and lay your head on my lap and sleep. I don’t sleep at night, I will sit and pray.) I was a bit hesitant to sleep on her lap; so I covered my body with the blanket and lay down on the Ghat . But Ashamayee was not in a mood to allow me to sleep separate. She took my head and placing it on her lap began to very gently caress my head. I heard the murmuring sound of her japa ; it was like sangeet with a chorus of the song of the Ganga. Slowly, I went into deep sleep.

Back to Vyas Ghat

I

t was early morning when I woke up to find myself still in the lap of Ashamayee, her hand on my head and still doing her japa . I went to complete my morning ablutions right away and when I came back to the place where we had been sitting, to my surprise Ashamayee was not there. I went looking all around the Ghat for her, and suddenly in a few minutes she reappeared with tea and bananas. She asked me to take the tea and keep the bananas with me, and start my journey back to Vyas Ghat. She also said, “Kela tumhare paas rahkho. Vaapas abhi jao. Tumhare pahunchne samay tak mandir ka poojari udhar ayega. Aur unse baat karo, vah tumhara pahala sishya hoga. ” (Keep the bananas with you, and start your journey now. By the time you reach there, the temple’s priest will also have arrived there. He will be your first disciple.) She asked me to get going as she was also in a hurry to leave for Triyuginarayan. I offered my salutations to the mother, and with the thought of departure, tears came to my eyes. She embraced me and said, “Beta, tum akele nahi, yah chinta chod do, aur jao .” (Son, you are not alone, cast away your worries and leave.) I started my return journey to Vyas Ghat with a heavy heart and eyes full of tears. On the way, I saw the odd sight of Khadeswari Baba still standing. As I was nearing Vyas Ghat after a walk of almost 5–6 hours, I noticed an old Vaishnav baba sitting in a dilapidated temple surrounded by mango trees. He asked me, “Maharaj, Seetha Ram! Kaha se aa rahahai ?” (Greetings, where are you coming from?) I thought, the previous day, on my way to Devprayag, I had not noticed this temple or the maharaj . The maharaj said, “Main dekha tha, kal tum idhar se jaate huwe. Lagta the tum kuch jaldi-baaji meinhai, isilyei

me bath nahi kiya. ” (I saw you on your way yesterday, but you seemed in a bit of a hurry, so I did not speak with you.) He requested me to sit and offered some food. As I was hungry, and was carrying the bananas given by Ashamayee, I offered him two bananas and said, “Maharaj, mere paas kela hai. Is se tript hojavoonga. ” (Maharaj , I have bananas and am content with them.) However, the maharaj was not ready to listen to me. He said, “Dekho, mein abhi naivedyam lagaya. Tum mere sath kuch chaval aur dal khayega to mere man tasalli hoga .” (Look, I just offered naivedyam at the temple. If you share some dal and rice with me, I will be happy.) So I had some food with him. I was very happy to have the food served to me. In the Himalayas I have noticed that there is no sampraday bheda (differential treatment pertaining to spiritual tradition) between babas , whether he be a vairagi, sanyasi, naga , or udasi . Everybody is cooperative and offers whatever food they have to wandering monks. This is my parivrajaka (wandering monk) life. In parivrajaka life, one has to go through different tests. He may be treated like a king, or as a beggar or even a dog. Maan or apmaan (respect or insult) may be there on the way. He has to accept it. This life is for washing out the ego of the sadhu . I resumed my journey after doing namaskar to the Vaishnav baba . Walking slowly I reached near the temple. Now I could easily hear sounds of some chanting. I went near the temple and an old priest (pandit ) was sitting there and chanting. After doing namaskars I sat on the small verandah of the mandir . By this time the pandit had completed his chanting and came near me. He asked, “Baba. Kahan se aana hua ?”(Baba , where have you come from?) I told him, “Mere guru agya se main idhar rahane aaya hum. Thandi poora hone ke baad char dham pilgrimage karna hai .” (I am here on the

orders of my Guru . When winter ends, I have to continue my pilgrimage.) The pandit said, “Bahut acha. Aaj tumara khane ka bandobast nahi kar paunga. Kal se jab me pooja ke liye atha hai tumhare liye me khana lekar aaooga. Tum kitane din chahiye idhar thaharo. Ganv me, ek sadhu rahana ganv ki shobha hai. Kuch saal pahele idhar ek Mayee raha karthi thi. Vah Mayee bahut sal tak idhar rahi. Ham ganv vaale unki seva kartha the .” (Very good. Though I’m unable to make food arrangements for you today, I will bring you food every day when I come to do pooja here. You can stay here as long as you wish. A village is graced when a sadhu chooses to stay there. Some years ago, a Mayee , a woman saint, stayed here a long time and we villagers served her.) It struck me that she perhaps had been my Ashamayee, so I asked, “Panditji, kya unka nam aadi aap jante hai ?”(Sir, do you remember her name or whereabouts?) He replied, “Mujhe naam yaad nahi aa raha hai. Haan, itna kah sakta hun vah aek avadhoot Mayee thi. Kisi se kuch bhi poochthi nahi thi. Ek kappar haath mein tha aur do alphi. Din raat jap karke baithi thi. ” (I can’t remember her name. But I can say for sure that she was an avadhoot . She never spoke to anyone and was in meditation day and night. She had a kappar with her and two alphies .) Now it became crystal clear to me that she was none other than my Ashamayee. He showed me the cave or gufa and helped me clean it. I had only one kambal cloth and kappar with me. Panditji went to the side room of the mandir where he would keep pooja materials and other things. He brought two–three gunny bags and made a bed for me to sit on, and as well as for sleeping. Then he said, “Ganga mayya kaafi neeche bah rahi hai. Udhar pass dekho ek jharna hai. Udhar tum naha sakte hai. Peene keliye bhi us jharne ka pani acha hai.” (The Ganga is flowing quite a bit below and over there you can see a waterfall. The water is good for bathing as well as for

drinking.) I nodded and observed that Ganga water was flowing more than five to six hundred feet down from the cave. It would be difficult for anybody to step down and climb back up every day for water. Again the pandit said, “Ab, maharaj yeh tumhara samrajya hai. Yah chandi maata bahut dayaalu hai. Ganv valo ki icha poori karthi hai. Tum inki saran mein rahio. Tum ko kuch bhi kami nahi hogi. ” (Mahara j, now this is your domain. This Mother Chandi is very compassionate and fulfils all the wishes of the villagers. If you too seek her grace, you will not lack for anything.) Pointing to some distance away, he said, “Udhar dekho ek chotta dookan hai. Hamara ganv vala ka hai. Kabhi khulta hai. Kuch jaroori saman udhar se milega. ” (Over there is a small shop belonging to one of our villagers which is open occasionally where you can get necessities.) I told him that I needed nothing and had no money with me. Then the pandit said, “Koyi baat nahi. Mera beta kal Rajasthan se aaye hai. Vah udhar college me professor hai. Kal subah mein rah jana wala hai. Kal mein ate samay usko sath lata hun aur tumare liya khana bhi. ” (Never mind, yesterday my son came here from Rajasthan, where he is a college professor. I will bring him here when I come tomorrow, along with food for you.) He was ready to leave as it was afternoon. The pandit left me and I was all alone there except for the idol of the Goddess. Once again I went near the temple—it didn’t have any doors. I bowed in prostration to the deity and said, “Mother, your son has come here to take refuge in you, do protect me.” I looked around, there was complete silence. A few trees covered the area so it was well shaded. The verandah in front of the mandir was not large enough to accommodate more than 2–3 persons and there was a dilapidated Dharmasala (resthouse for pilgrims), which looked ready to collapse anytime, and a small store room behind the mandir . Mother Ganga was flowing down below the cave, calm and quiet. From here it was not too far from the place where I had stayed with the baba to study the Saptashati (Chandi Paath ) for 15 days. It would have

hardly taken 15 minutes of walking to reach that baba . I decided not to go there as Ashamayee had asked me to stay here. It began to rain and some water entered the gufa where my bed had been spread. It was extremely cold. During winter in the Himalayas, one can expect rain showers at any time. However, it is often not heavy rain, only drizzles, but it makes the weather much colder. By this time the pandit might have reached his village. He had told me it would take at least 3–4 hours for the villagers to reach their village and for a person like me, unfamiliar with the area, it would definitely take more than 7 hours. I sat in the gufa calm, quiet and composed. On the top of the gufa was the moorthy (idol) of Amma . It looked like a very ancient moorthy made of clay. But after observing for a few days I discovered that the moorthy was really made of marble, and the poor condition of the idol was probably because of neglect. What could this old pandit do alone? At least he was coming daily and doing pooja . All these thoughts were going through my mind. Suddenly the sun shone and I saw a serpent entering the cave. I was terrified. It was my mistake that I had encroached upon the serpent’s territory. It came right in front of me. I was ready to get up and run but nothing happened. It looked at me lovingly and slithered away. I was relieved. But a new thought started overpowering me—what if the serpent comes again at night when I am asleep—the very thought made me shiver. It was almost dusk. There was no lamp or electric light. And I did not even have a matchbox with me. I was helpless. So I left the cave and came to the verandah and sat there. Now I could hear the sounds of animals from a distance. I was very much frightened. Sitting there I started doing japa . (Usually a person remembers God or Guru when he/she is in distress.) Sitting on the verandah , I was doing japa but was not able to concentrate and kept looking around. It was dark and I could not see anything. I could only hear the sound of the river Ganga accompanied by occasional unknown sounds of animals.

Once again it started drizzling. As I was in the temple corridor, I had no choice but to get drenched in rain water as I dare not go inside the cave for fear of the serpent. I was in such a dilemma. The night was growing darker and silence seemed to engulf the temple surroundings except for the gushing sounds of the river. I was overpowered by fear. The silence was disturbing, and hours passed in this mood, and without being aware I had drifted into deep sleep in the sitting posture.

Vyas Ghat Days

B

y noon the panditji and his son arrived. I was sitting in the corridor of the mandir . Both came and prostrated in front of me and the panditji introduced his son, “Yeh, Bhagawati Prasad mere bada beta working as a professor in a College at Jaipur .” (This is Bhagwati Prasad, my older son who works as a college professor in Jaipur.) Panditji went to clean the mandir while chanting some stotras of Maa while I talked to Prof. Bhagwati Prasad. We both talked in English. He was astonished that a baba wearing dirty clothes and having no possessions spoke in English. He was acquainted with babas of large ashrams who were well versed in English and Sanskrit. He told me, “The shop you see near is being run by my cousin. I will tell him to supply whatever you need. I know you are a ‘virakt sanyasi’ , one who does not keep money with him. So whatever you need, you can take from the shop and I will pay him whenever I visit this village. Be here, please don’t go. I will see to it that the Dharmasala gets repaired, and then you can shift there. Previously the Mayee who stayed here was the avatar of Maa . She was very generous to all of us. After few years of stay, she left the place and has gone to the upper Himalayas, maybe Triyuginarayan.” I did not tell him that the Mayee was known to me, as I feared these people would then start expecting more from me, at least more affection. The professor told me, “I am leaving for Rajasthan now. My father is a great astrologer. People from distant villages come to him for pooja and astrological consultations.” I asked, “What is your father known as?” The professor said in reply, “He is known as Ghananand Panditji. He is now more than 75 years old. Yet he comes to this mandir for pooja daily. If at all he has any health problem, my younger brother will come and do pooja . Your food will come to you daily from my house. Don’t worry about anything and stay here happily and continue your

sadhana. ” The panditji was doing the arathi . After arathi , the professor did namaskar to me and his father, and left carrying a small bag on his shoulder. The panditj i brought me my food of rice and dal . I accepted my first bhiksha there in my kappar . Looking at the bhiksha pathra , he said, “A similar one was with the Mayee who stayed here for a long time. Bahut achi Mayee thi. Ek din idhar se chali gayi .”(She was a very kind mother and left this place suddenly.) It seemed like he was unhappy that the Mayee left the place. I sat near him after the bhiksha and he offered me a bidi . Even though I was not smoking those days, I accepted it and smoked. Then I started narrating to him the previous evening’s experience of the serpent. Panditji told me, “Us se ghabrana kuch nahi. Vah idhar bahut dinon se rahata hai. Ab tak kisi ko kaatta nahi. Lagtha hai koi acha aatma hai us sarpa yoni mein. ” (You don’t need to fear the serpent. It has lived here a long time and never hurt anyone, seems there is a good soul in that serpent.) Panditji looked at my face thoroughly for a few minutes and asked if he could see my right palm. For a few minutes he was silent and was looking through the lines on my palm. Then he broke the silence and said, “Maharaj, aap kaun hai? Itna jabardasth bhagya rekha mainekabhi bhi nahi dekha. Aap ka ujwal bhavishya dekh kar mujhe ascharya ho reha hai. Kabhi bhi yah hath kisi ko nahi dikhana .” (Maharaj , who are you? I have never seen such a fantastic line of fortune on anyone’s palm before. I’m amazed seeing your brilliant future. Do not ever show your palm to anyone henceforth.) I told him that I was a fakir and did not care for the lines on my palms. Again he started saying, “Aap ko nahi, ham logon ka mahabhagya hai aap jaise mahan purush mila. Ek baath pooche phir bura nahi maan na. Kripaya aap mujhe aap ka sishya bana lijiye .” (It is our great good fortune to come across an extraordinary saint like you. Can I ask a favour? I hope you won’t take offense if I request you to take me as your disciple.) I wondered. It was only yesterday that I had met him, and today he was ready

to be my sishya . I answered in the negative, “Abhi bhi main shishya hun. Abhi tak guru nahi bana. Mere guru ki agya bina kaise me aap ko sishya banaunga ?”(I am still a disciple myself, and have not attained guru stature. Without my guru ’s approval, how can I even think of taking you on as a disciple?) “Fir aap apne guru se anumathi poochiye. Main aap ko guru roop me sweekar kiye. Aaj se aap mere guru hai .” (Then please ask permission of your guru . I have already accepted you as guru from today on.) I felt like laughing. I know nothing even about myself, and how do these people know me? And I don’t know how to give deeksha either. Anyway I prayed to my Guruji to take care of the old pandit. Panditji asked me, “Navaratri nazdeek hai. Aap kya karne ka vichar me hai ?” (The Navaratri festival is nearing, what are your plans?) I had not yet thought about it. This was my first Navaratri in the Himalayas. This was the birthplace of my Ishta Devi (The Mother goddess is Himavan’s daughter). So I immediately thought that I should do some good sadhana . I said “Hum pratipada se, upvas rakh kar 41 din ka sadhana karna chahate hain. Bhaiya sadhana ke liya sadhan jutana mushkil hai. Isliya me socha ke shodashi mantra ka ek purascharan karoonga .” (I would like to start fasting from the first day of Navaratri and continue the sadhana for 41 days. Since it is difficult to procure materials to do external ritual, I would like to do chanting of the shodashi mantra .) There was a strange glow in the eyes of the pandit. He asked, “Aap Srividya wala Swamiji hai? Hamara bhagya hai. Aap ke liya ek naya kambal main laya. Yah kambal aap asan keliya sweekar kijiye. Aur sadhana ke baad yah kambal mujhe dijiye. Kam se kam Srividya jap karnewala ek Swamiji baitha hua asan prasad roop mei milega to mere jeevan dhanya hoga .” (Are you a swamiji initiated into Srividya ? I am so fortunate. I have brought you a new blanket; please accept it for your seat/bed. Please give

that blanket to me after completion of your sadhana . At least, I will have it as prasad and my life will be blessed.) He added that Navaratri was starting next week. Villagers would be visiting the mandir . To not have any disturbances, he said he would arrange for a door in front of the cave. My mind was full of thoughts of Navaratri and that also the first time in the Himalayas. I told the panditji that I would not take any food made of rice during the 41 days of sadhana , and I would only need Ganga jal . And not to bring any food or fruit for me. He agreed. He gave the key of the storeroom to me and said, “Kal jaise barsaat aayi to us kamre me aap so sakte hai. Yah chabhi rakho. ” (If it rains like yesterday, you can sleep in that room and here is its key.) I declined saying, “Mere Guruji ne bola tha mandir ka neecha wala gufa me rahana. Main udhar hee rahoonga. Mujhe kamra ki chabhi kee jaroorat nahi .” (My Guruji told me to stay in the cave below the temple and stay there I will. I don’t need that key.) Panditji with all reverence said, “Aap bahut hatthi Iagta hain. Gufa mei takleef nahi hona, itana main socha .” (You seem quite adamant. I only offered the key because I did not want you to suffer discomfort in the cave.) The old man might have been disappointed that I had not accepted the offer of the key. He brought a big clay pot from the store and gave it to me and said, “Yah ghata ithar rakho. Aur pani bhar lo, bar jharna me jaane ka jaroorat nahi hogi .” (Here’s a jug that you can use to store water in, so you don’t have to keep going to the waterfall often.) I felt that if I did not accept this as well, he would definitely feel bad, and so I took it and kept it in the verandah. Now panditji was ready to go back to the village. By this time another villager came there. He was returning from Devprayag. He talked to panditji in their local language (Garhwali). Panditji replied, “Yeh maharaj, kal aaya. Thandi mittne samay tak idhar rukega .” (This maharaj arrived

yesterday and will stay till the end of winter.) The villager came to me said, “Om namo narayana ” and sat near us. He took 2–3 bananas from his gunny bag and gave them to me. I took one and returned the other to him saying, “Ghar me bachon ko de do .” (Give them to your children at home.) Pandit told the villager, “Naya khoon hai na. Bhut vairagya hai .” (He meant to say for a young man I was having too much dispassion.) Both moved towards the village. Once again I was all alone there. The songs of birds were easily heard. And then a deep silence, then the sound of a bird, silence, and the sound of Ganga flowing. I was enjoying every moment there, and sat quietly.

First Navaratri in The Himalayas

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his was my first Navaratri in the Himalayas. The Himalayas are the abode of the Mother Goddess. On the first day of the Navaratri I took an oath for a purascharan (repeating a mantra for a particular number of time and for a period of time) of shodashi mantra (Srividya) japa to be completed in 41 days and also took a decision of not taking any cooked food. It was not easy for me to obtain uncooked food like fruits or vegetables there, as it was a remote place in the Himalayas. The panditji told me, “Baba , you are young, you can do it. This is the time for sadhana like this. Keep it up.” On Navaratri days I first recited Chandi Paath in the morning. It took nearly three hours to complete. Then I started my japa which lasted until noon. All I had in the morning was some Ganga jal after my japa , and rested for a few hours till about 3 pm or so, when I started my second session of japa which lasted till 6 pm or arathi time. Ganga was flowing there with a smile of affection. Panditji told me that he would stay in the mandir till the end of Navaratri . A few villagers used to visit the mandir daily. But they never disturbed me by coming near, or asking anything. Navaratri went well with daily recitation of Chandi paath as well as japa . The panditji also did Chandi paath after the morning abhishekam 21 and pooja to mother goddess. On the 10th day (dashami ) panditji offered rice pudding (kheer/payasam ) as offering (naivedyam ) to the Goddess and distributed it among the devotees assembled there. That day more people had arrived from nearby villages. At about 12:30 pm when his poojas and naivedyam had ended, he asked me to take some prasad but as I was in Vrata , I did not. In the evening, the panditji left for his village and once again I was alone there in the mandir and my gufa .

I was a bit tired because of the ten-day long Vrata, of complete fasting with no intake other than Ganga jal . My daily routine had been to wake up in the early hours, bathe at the jharna and then commence japa , continuing till noon. And after taking stomach full of Gangajal , to rest till around 3:30pm when I would resume japa of the shodashi mantra ending at about sunset. Again after a bath I would sit down for japa till sleep overcame me. Everything went on well for a few more days. I was becoming weaker. Now it had become difficult for me to even walk to bathe at the nearby waterfall. Panditji used to come daily morning as usual and every day he looked at me very sympathetically. Twenty days had passed; I became very weak because of not eating anything. That day I was unable to move even to the jharna and just lay down on the verandah of the mandir. All of a sudden one Swamiji with matted hair, dark in complexion, old but moving swiftly appeared in front of me. The Swamiji came near and touched my body. I was not sleeping, but was in intoxication of the japa and quite tired. Swamiji asked, “What you are doing here without eating anything. Are you committing suicide? Fool, this not the way to do sadhana . If you cannot keep your body intact, what sadhana will you be able to do? This body is the instrument to perform the sadhana . You have to maintain it.” For a few moments I said nothing. I was adamant in my decision and even if I were to die, it did not matter. I had to continue my sadhana without food (upavas ) and complete the japa in 41 days. Swamiji may have read my mind for he said, “Okay, if you are very adamant about not taking any cooked food, etc., no problem—but hear me and act accordingly. Observe the leaves which these monkeys are eating. They are of course medicinal leaves, as monkeys are much cleverer than we are. Take those leaves and drink as much water as you can.” The baba had come to me as if someone had sent him to me for passing on this information.

I asked the Swamiji, “Respects to you maharaj , tell me where you stay? I have not seen you here since I came.” Swamiji with a beautiful smile on his face told me that he was staying on the other side of the river, and that he was on his way to Devprayag to purchase some groceries. I could not believe that one could cross that part of the Ganga even by swimming. Once again it seemed like he was reading my mind because with a meaningful glance at me, he added, “See, I need no boat or swimming to cross. I am there and I am here. That is all.” He left me. The next day onwards I was observing the monkeys to see what they were eating. I identified a few trees and bushes from which they had been eating; I went there to collect the leaves as I felt I had to obey the words of that Himalayan yogi . It was my very nature that if any yogi/swami gave me any instruction, I would take it as an order from my Guruji and follow it. I always felt as if my Guruji had appeared in their form and asked me to do a certain work. That is why I had agreed to take the leaves which the monkeys ate. I saw a few monkeys on the small trees as well as in bushes. They were staring at me as I was picking up the leaves. They looked at me and smiled very sarcastically. Maybe because they thought I was a fool, that even in a human body I was not more than a monkey, eating like them and living like them without clothes. In those days I used to wear only a loincloth. My hair had started growing and became matted. I nearly looked like a monkey. Just imagine a grown-up man in a loincloth, body covered with dirt and all, and eating leaves and drinking only water from the stream. Of course the monkey’s thoughts were correct. Days passed by in this way. Now I was almost at the end of the 41-day japa . But due to eating just leaves, I developed some pain in my stomach. I felt too weak to walk. However, I still managed to walk up to the jharna for my daily ablutions, ate monkey food (leaves) and water. Panditji used to come every day as usual and after pooja would ask me about the japa . And it was a wonder that he never once enquired about my health. That day, he

said. “Maharaj , you are wonderful. When you started the japa sankalp , I doubted that you would complete 41 days. But tomorrow is the 41st day. Tomorrow morning after arathi you have to complete the japa and break your upavas . I will bring you some rice and yogurt. In fact, you are also supposed to do ‘dasamsh havan’ tomorrow as you would have completed the japa. I will arrange for the homa . My son will also come and help us.” Panditji left for the village. As I was running towards the goal for the last 40 days, I was happy that I would reach it the next morning. I sat on my asan for japa . All of a sudden my old friend, the serpent appeared. As I was unable to move from the bed due to exhaustion, I sat still and continued my japa . The serpent came inside the cave, moved towards me and looked at me for a few seconds as if doing namaskar, or saying thanks, I don’t know. It started slithering towards me and made three parikramas around me and once again looked at me for a few seconds as if thanking me and moved out —I could not understand why. Even today I can visualize the scene clearly and remember the face of that serpent. To my amazement, the next day I saw the still body of the serpent lying dead in front of the verandah, where I used to sit. Now the winter was in full swing. It was too cold there. When I noticed the dead serpent, I thought my body too was as good as a dead body, as I had been living without food. I dared not touch the dead body of the serpent on the verandah and I waited for the panditji to come and do the needful. With great difficulty I bathed and came back to the mandir . That day I did not collect any leaves as my upavas was ending and japa concluding too. I saw our panditji and his son appearing at the mandir , carrying firewood and some other things. As soon as the panditji saw the dead body of the serpent, he said, “Oh dear, you have left. Good that you were with this maharaj for the last few

months. The mantra which maharaj chanted will definitely give moksha to you.” Then he asked his son to take the serpent and give it a good Jal Samadhi (interment in water) in the Ganga . By noon we completed the homa and tarpana . Panditji offered the naivedyam of curd rice to the Goddess and some of it he put into the fire. Then offered it to me saying, “Maharaj , I am proud of you. You have done it. Done it wonderfully. Even though you were weak, you did not break your vow. I am proud of you.” After mentally offering it to my guru, I took the curd rice offered to me by the panditji. But alas, as soon as I ate the food, I started vomiting. I vomited several times. Every time the panditji’ s son brought me water and washed my face and mouth. After 5–6 times of vomiting, the panditji went to the nearby bushes, and brought a few leaves. He put them in water and made me drink the mixture, and the vomiting stopped immediately. These are the specialities of Himalayan herbs that the villagers have knowledge of, and how and when to use them. Due to exhaustion, I lay down on the verandah of the mandir .

Vyas Ghat Life Continues

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lowly days passed and every day the pandit would bring me food. It took me at least a month to regain normal health. One day, the Vaishanav swamiji came to meet me. He brought disturbing news that the swamiji who used to stay on the other hill (from whom I studied Durga saptashathi meaning and rahasya ) had attained samadhi the previous night. The Vaishnav swamiji was on his way to that swamiji ’s hut. I also accompanied him. I was filled with grief at seeing the motionless body lying in the hut. Two or three other sadhus were there but I didn’t know anyone other than the Vaishnav swamiji . They were planning to take the body to Ganga for jal samadhi . This is a custom among Himalayan sadhus . Once a sadhu attains samadhi , he will be given jala samadhi in Ganga , if he had not desired to keep his body in bhoo samadhi (burial at land). They were awaiting another sadhu who had been the disciple of that swamiji who attained samadhi . After a while that disciple sadhu arrived from Devprayag. He was young, about 30 years of age. His eyes were filled with tears. I was in tears too. Sanyasis are not supposed to shed tears whatever may happen to them. They are supposed to be composed, and keep equanimity. We took the body to the Ganga and after bathing it, clothed it in new clothes. The other sadhus tied 2–3 big stones to the body of Swamiji , and slowly lowered it in the Ganga . This was the end of the Swamiji . One of Swamiji’ s disciples came to me and said, “Maharaj , are you the sadhu staying at Vyas Ghat mandir . My Guruji had told me about you. I am coming with you now. I would like to talk to you.” The other sadhus left as if nothing had happened. They were in their own moods. They had not enquired about us, and I did not talked to them

either. The Vaishnav swamiji told me that these sadhus were staying in separate caves around the hills. Vaishnav swamiji , the young disciple of the Swamiji and I started walking back to Vyas Ghat. There was deep silence between us for a few minutes. The Vaishnav baba left for his cottage directly. The young swami and I came to the mandir . We had a bath at the jharna . I possessed nothing that I could offer this young swami , as I was living on Akash Vritti (a life without asking anything from anybody for day-to-day needs, and only accepting the minimum), the life of birds. After some time the young sadhu broke his silence and said, “My Guruji told me about you last month. Since then I have been eager to meet you, Swamij i. Now my Guruji has left and I am all alone.” I interrupted him, “Gurujis never die, don’t worry. Only the body has gone. He is here and now with you. Are you planning to go to Devprayag?” He said, “No, I want to stay with you for a few days and study Srividya from you.” I was surprised, I had never told the swamiji who had attained samadhi or even anybody else that I was a srividya sadhak . But now this young swamiji knew about my sadhana ! The young swamiji continued, “My Guruji told me about you—that you have done the Srividya up to poorna abhishek , and that you are now in the Himalayas for further sadhana , following the order from your guru . Will you please teach me the sadhana ?” It seemed like he had already forgotten about the recent samadhi of his guru . I had left my Guruji recently too and she was still alive but even then I missed her badly. But this young sadhu , only moments before we had conducted his Guruji’s samadhi in the Ganga and yet he did not seem sad. This young swamiji’ s name was Vigyanand Saraswati. He told me that his Guruji was born and brought up in Bihar, and stayed there till the day of his entering sanyas . His Guruji then stayed in that hut for several years.

The young swami said, “I am from Saharanpur in Uttar Pradesh. I joined him three years ago. He taught me Chandi Paath and other sadhanas . Six months ago, he initiated me into sanyas and asked me to live in Devprayag. Now I feel I am all alone. Please take care of me.” I was wondering what I could do for this swamiji . My life itself was dependent on others. How could I feed him? Where would he stay? But one thought was powerful—I should not say anything negative as his Guruji had taught me Chandi Paath and even though his guru was a siksha guru to me, this young swamiji was like my guru bhai . I should not say anything negative to him. He stayed with me for a few days. Whatever the panditji brought me as bhiksha I shared with him. We both lived on half-full stomach every day. One day I told him, “Maharaj, I am not a guru to initiate you in Srividya . But I will tell you something about the Srividya sadhana .” But he was adamant that he should get at least the ‘Tryakshari’ mantra from me. I consulted the panditji to astrologically check for a good day for deeksha . Now we had another problem. This panditji also had accepted me as a guru even though I had not given him any deeksha. Now I had to initiate both of them. Panditji decided on a good day for deeksha , reminding me that he was the first person who had requested me for deeksha . I had to accept this as there was no way out. It was in the month of January that I initiated both of them in ‘Tryakshari Mantra’ . The night before the deeksha , both of them stayed in the mandir itself. That night I was thrilled that I was becoming a guru at such a young age. I prayed and prayed to my Guruji for hours together to give me the strength to give deeksha to my first disciples. That night, I had a vision of my Guruji in a dream asking me to go ahead and not to worry as she would take care of everything. Next morning all three of us went to the Ganga for bathing. Then we sat on the sand and I initiated panditji first and then the young swamiji . Both were happy and did namaskaras to me repeatedly after deeksha . Now it was time for accepting guru dakshina. Panditji brought

some money and tried to offer it to me. Pointing to the wild flowers on the banks of the Ganga, I told him, “Don’t give me money. Just pick the flowers and offer them as your guru dakshina .” Both of them picked the wild flowers and offered them as dakshina and did namaskars. I told them that the real guru dakshina is not money or food or clothes but offering me sadhana . That means to do your sadhana as has been taught and reach the goal. That is the real guru dakshina . They both nodded and then I said, “Swamiji , you are a maharaj . Don’t stay with me anymore. Go back to Devprayag and do your sadhana there as your Guruji said. Now you can add this mantra also to your sadhana . I am depending on this panditji for food and shelter. You please don’t depend on me. Let me be alone and allow me to do my sadhana . As per your desire, I have given the first part of Srividya mantra to you. Srividya is a krama deeksha . Do this mantra japa for nine lakh times and then come back to me. I will give you the ‘Panchadasi mantra’ then.” And I told panditji , “This is applicable to you also. Panditji , you have served me for several months. Without my permission, you accepted me as your guru . Now you do this japa for nine lakh times then I will surely initiate you in ‘Panchadasi ’. The three of us came back to the mandir and bowed in prostration to Maa . Now it was time for the young sanyasi to leave me. I offered half of the food the panditji ’s son had brought for me. He was also happy that his father had been initiated into Srividya mantra that day. After taking food, the Swamiji was ready to leave, and while prostrating he asked, “Maharaj , allow me to come and see you occasionally.” I agreed, and then he left for Devprayag. The panditji also left for his village. Now as usual I was all alone. But some thoughts came to my mind. Who made me a Guruji ? First this panditji used to call me Guruji . Now it was official as I had initiated him

into Srividya and accepted him as my disciple. I was wondering what was happening to me. I prayed to my Guruji to keep me under her care, that I not develop an ego because of attaining guru status. I went to the cave and lay down for some time.

Moving Out From Vyas Ghat

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ays were passing by very peacefully. Shivaratri was near. In the Himalayan hills, Shivaratri is as important as Navaratri . All the people used to assemble in the courtyard of the village and sing and dance in praise of Shiva and Parvati. Prof. Bhagawati Prasad came one day to meet me on his way before going to the village. I told him about my plan to move out of Vyas Ghat and to go to the upper Himalayas. My plans were to go to Badrinath/Kedarnath or Gangotri/Yamunotri. The professor told me that the temples would open only on Akshaya tritiya (in April). Before the temples opened it would be risky to move on the snow-clad hills. The professor went on to his village. The next day the pandit told me that it was risky to go just then. I had to wait for two more months—or up until May. But my mind was not ready to accept this theory. Why should I fear anything, when my Amma , my Guruji , was with me? That was the thought dominating me. I decided to leave for Gangotri after Shivaratri. A lot of villagers assembled at the mandir on Shivaratri day. Day and night there were bhajans and poojas . Everybody was fasting or in upavas . During the night we had four poojas. And in the morning the villagers cooked rice, dal and vegetables and served everybody after offering to Shiva and Amma. We all enjoyed the ‘bhandara ’ (this is the word often used for common feast in North India). I remember one day before Shivaratri , that young swamiji whom I had initiated into Srividya , came to meet me from Devprayag. He looked very happy and he said that he had completed the chanting nine lakh times. The panditji was also present. Panditji had yet to complete the required chanting. I had told both of them that if they completed the nine lakh times

chanting before Shivaratri , I would initiate both of them into panchadasi mantra on Shivaratri day. Both had agreed. Therefore, I initiated both in panchadasi on Shivaratri day as panditji was also able to complete his chanting. I was now ready to move the day after Shivaratri . No preparations were necessary as I had no possessions. I told the young swami that I would go with him up to Devprayag. From there I would decide where to go. Panditji was not happy with my proposal. Prof. Bhagawati Prasad said, “Maharaj , in fact we want you to be with us. I don’t know what is attracting me towards you. Please don’t go. Be here, whatever facilities are needed I will take care of it.” However, as I am firm by nature, if I once decide on something, I will not look back or change my decision. Next day the Vaishnav Baba also came to meet me. I was getting ready to move ahead. He also said, “Maharaj , winter is still not over. Why can’t you wait for a few months?” But I said, “It is my nature that once decided I will not change my programme whatever may happen.” This swabhava (nature or habit) has been with me from childhood. I paid my homage to mother goddess, remembering my Guruji in that form, and then bid farewell to the cave, panditji and the few villagers assembled there. Vaishnav Baba followed me up to his hut and the young swamiji was with me. On the way I met the same Khadeswari Baba, who was standing still. As it was noon, his disciple was feeding him; I looked at him hesitantly and moved way. A few villagers were moving towards Devprayag. They were bowing in prostration to both of us while we walked fast. Devprayag was not far from there, we could reach there within a few minutes. The young swami said, “Stay with me in my small cottage for a few days and then both of us can go to the Himalayas as you wish.” I was not ready to take him with me. I wanted to face all situations by myself, all alone. I told him, “Of course, I have no problem in staying with you for two

or three days. But for upper Himalayas, I am sorry; I will not be able to take you with me, because I want to do the journey alone.” We reached Devprayag. The young swami was staying in a small cottage made of some leaves and wood. In this cottage he had arrangements for cooking his food —a stove, a few aluminium vessels, and one or two steel plates. He said that before sunset he would bring some groceries and went to the small bazaar opposite the Ganga . I also went to the ghats where I had met my Ashamayee and stood silent for some time there. I sat looking at the Ganga , and was lost in my thoughts of the days I had with Ashamayee here at this same ghat. One Swamiji came to me and asked, “Oh, you are back; you were staying in Vyas Ghat, is it not?” I nodded. “Why have you come to Prayag now? It is too cold now; where will you stay?” I told Swamiji that I would stay with that young swamiji for a couple of days and then move to upper Himalayas. In a very rough voice he said, “No, no, this is not the time to move to upper Himalayas. You stay at Devprayag and then move after a few months.” I wondered why these people were dictating terms to me about my movements. I opted to stay at that ghat for the night. But the young swamiji asked me to stay in his cottage. I declined, as I had decided to stay at the ghat. He left and after some time brought me some rotis and vegetables. It had become dark with nightfall. I was sitting all alone at the ghat . There was the sound of ‘hara, hara, hara...’ (The sound of Mother Ganga flowing). I think I fell asleep sitting and leaning on the step behind me. The sound of ‘beta ’ awoke me. To my wonder, I saw my beloved Ashamayee standing near me. But how was it possible? Ashamayee was at Triyuginarayan, very far from here. How could she be here? I said to myself, yes it is a swapna (dream) only. But it was not a simple vision.

She sat near me and started talking to me. “Son, you are not willing to listen to anybody’s words. What you decide, must happen. Very typical nature you have! But now I am telling you—be here, at Devprayag, and do your sadhana till Akshaya tritiya . After that day you may leave. Move to Gangotri first.” I was not in a position to refuse Amma who is very much like my beloved Guruji . I accepted her words, but asked, “Mayee, will you please allow me to live in freedom here at this ghat ? I will go to the nearby village and get my bhiksha . But I do not want to be with anybody in cottage or ashram or a house. If you permit this, I will stay here at Devprayag as per your orders.” She looked at me once again, “All right, be here, but take care of your health. You don’t have any warm clothing other than that blanket. Is that sufficient for you to cope with the cold here?” I told Amma not to worry, as both she and my Guruji were there to take care of me. Ashamayee disappeared in the darkness. Even today I wonder whether it was a dream or reality. So, obeying Mayee ’s order I decided to stay on there at the ghat for a few more months.

Stay at the Ghat

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s I had taken a decision to stay at Devprayag until Akshaya tritiya , I did not want to stay there doing nothing. Therefore, I took up a sankalp (solemn vow or determination) for the coming 90 days that I would be at the ghat and recite the ‘shodashi mantra’ —once again another ‘purascharan ’. Last time it was a bit difficult for me to complete the japa of 16 lakh ‘shodashi mantra’ in 41 days. This time I had at least 90 days to do the japa . Also I decided not to go for bhiksha or accept any money from anybody. If someone called and gave me bhiksha I would accept it—that was my decision. Winter was in full swing. Covering my body from head to toe with my blanket, I sat on the banks of the Ganga , and did japa . But it was indeed a wonder that during these days even though I did not go to the village or to any other place for bhiksha , I was served bhiksha daily by someone coming to me. Sometimes food was brought by travellers, at time by villagers or the young swamiji whom I had initiated into Srividya , or some other sadhus staying in Devprayag. I was always remembering the caring touch of my Guruji as well Ashamayee. They had seen to it that I should never lack food. As I had opted for the sky as my roof and the earth as my shelter, and possessed nothing else, I felt free and happy like I wanted to be. As days were passing by, I noticed that my body was again getting emaciated as I had not been taking any nutritious food. Of course there was weakness, since I ate only once a day but I never bothered about that. One day some young men (college students perhaps) from Delhi came for a trip to Devprayag. I discovered that they were merely educated fools. They came near and sat for some time, trying to tease me with sarcastic words in English. For a while I kept quiet and was sitting as if I was unable

to understand the language. But when they crossed limits, I started to speak to them in English and they were surprised that I was educated. I told them, “It seems you are all educated fools. You may have some preconceived notions about a swami or a maharaj . It need not always be like what you imagine. Look, I will tell you one thing, the life of a sadhu is not as you think. You see only his external appearance. You must try to see him with your inner eye. Only then will you understand him. So whenever you go to any sadhu/maharaj try to be more polite and enquire about the secrets of life.” When I concluded, they were wondering what might happen to them. They apologized to me and offered me some money for my needs. I told them, “I never accept or keep money with me. My Guruji takes care of all my needs. I never worry about food or shelter like you people. You have plans to rise up high in your lives in terms of materialism. But I am not like that. Regarding what I need, my guru knows it better than I do. So tell me, when your parents were taking care of your needs, were you ever worried?” They understood what I was trying to convey. Once again they said they were sorry for teasing me, and vowed to never do such acts in the future. They were all journalism students in Delhi. One of them asked for permission to come and meet me during his holidays and I agreed. They then left me. The days were passing smoothly and my japa was in progress. Every day the young swamiji would come to me and ask if I needed anything. His daily coming and asking was just mechanical. So one day I told him not to come to me daily and that he not need check as I needed nothing. I asked him to concentrate on his sadhana instead of moving around me. One day the old Vaishnav Baba from Vyas Ghat came to Devprayag and met me. He was with me for a few hours. He had come to Devprayag for some purchases. He was happy that I had not resumed my journey to the upper Himalayas that winter. He said that in fact he was planning to go the Yamunotri that season.

Sometimes I felt these people were talking only just to while away time. I was not of that type and was trying to be serious in my sadhana . If I wasted time I would not be able to complete my japa in the fixed time. So I wanted to leave the ghat , and find another suitable place for sitting in japa where nobody could easily notice me. I found a place just a few yards from the ghat , covered with bushes. I was able to sit there for hours together doing japa . A few known people who used to bring me food, discovered where I was sitting, but they came only at bhiksha time and never disturbed me with small talk. Almost three months passed with the same routine; my full concentration was on japa only. My hair and beard started matting. It was a bit difficult for me to maintain my hair and beard. I was not using any soap or shampoo. So my body stank a bit. There were no additional clothes, so the old clothes started to tear. But my attention was not on all this. I completed the japa in ninety days. Now my mind was again on the pilgrimage to the Himalayas. When the swamiji came to meet me I told him that I had completed another ‘purascharan’ and was ready to move to somewhere in the upper Himalayas. He was wondering how although I had nobody to call my own, yet everybody and everything were mine, for I had many to bid farewell to, in Devprayag. To the people who gave me bhiksha daily, to Mother Ganga , to the bushes that had hidden me for months from the eyes of the public, or to the sky that had always sheltered me. I felt they were all within me. And so it follows that it would not be necessary to say any farewell words to anybody, for if I did so, it would be as though I were bidding farewell to myself! I slept on the ghat steps that night. Though it had been a very cold day, the weather was slowly changing. I saw somebody crossing the Ganga walking over the water. Slowly the person came into view. It appeared to be an old swamiji wearing a white robe, with a white beard and matted hair. I

stood up in fear. How could a man have crossed the Ganga by walking over water? Even imagining it was impossible. The swamiji came close, and I touched his feet. They felt wet as if he had just washed his legs. Without any preface and as if he had known me for a long time, he said, “You don’t’ believe it? It is always like that—our own eyes disbelieve what they see. But we believe everything that is in books. I know you have completed your second ‘purascharan ’ of Srividya japa in the Himalayas. Congratulations. But try to continue and keep up this fire within you always.” In all foolishness and fear, I asked the Swamiji , “May I know Maharaj who you are and where you are coming from? Though I have never seen you before, you seem to know everything about me.” He replied, “I met Tara Mayee in Mookambika a few days ago. I was on a journey to the South Indian temples. In winter, I travel to the south on pilgrimage. Tara Mayee said that her son was somewhere in Devprayag and asked me to meet him.” I wondered about the leelas (divine play and wisdom) of my Guruji . Sitting in Mookambika, nearly 2,000 km away, she knew where I was, and her loving eyes were looking at me always (in the way a turtle, sitting on one bank of a river, watches over her eggs which are on the other bank). The swamiji brought a handful of ‘payasam ’ which my Guruji had given him to pass it to me. It was wrapped in the leaf of a teakwood tree and the payasam had almost dried up, having been sent a few days back. I took it with all reverence and tears in my eyes. Once again I was getting something to eat which had been touched by the hands of my Guruji. I was so happy that in my hurry I forgot to offer a part of it to the Swamiji . I apologized to him for that act. Then the Swamiji said, “While I was returning from Mookambika, Tara Mayee said to take this payasam for you. If at all I was unable to meet you at Devprayag, she had asked me to cast this in the Ganga .” I wept, and it was difficult for the Swamiji to console me. After a few minutes the Swamiji left the way he had come, walking on the Ganga

waters. I sat all alone on the steps of the ghat , lost in thoughts of my Guruji and the prasadam she had sent for me through an unknown person.

Towards Upper Himalayas

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he next morning I left Devprayag. The young swamiji came with me up to the main road after crossing Ganga . He said, “Swamiji , if you are going to Gangotri, the route is via Rishikesh, Uttarkashi. If you prefer to walk it is okay, but you can definitely catch a ride on trucks that go in that direction as they will take you to Uttarkashi free of cost.” I preferred to walk. Leaving the swamiji behind without another word, I moved towards Rishikesh. Rishikesh was not so far from there; I walked and walked and walked. Near Rishikesh was a famous cave where Swami Purushottamananda Maharaj lived for a long time. I had seen the signboard of the cave and went there. A disciple of Swami Purushottamanandaji was there. He welcomed me wholeheartedly. It was almost sunset time. He asked me to bathe and attend the arathi . Before I left for a bath in Ganga , he offered me coffee in a steel cup. Since leaving my home, this was the first time I was drinking coffee. Even in Mookambika I never had a chance to have a cup of coffee. I had it, washed the glass and went for a bath. I was tired after walking. After arathi , swami offered me some food. As this swamiji was from South India, his food was pure South Indian with plenty of masala and chillies. As I had not had such spicy food in a long time, it was not so easy for me to finish the food offered. Swamiji asked about me, my Guruji and my travel plan. Since he had been staying a long time here in this cave, he had not been to Mookambika after leaving Kerala. But of course he said he had definitely heard about the leelas of my beloved Guruji from the yatris (travellers) coming from Kerala. Swamiji told me about his experiences during his journeys to Gangotri, and he added that Uttarkashi was a wonderful place for sadhana

and that I should stay there for a few months. He also said it was better to go by foot and not depend on anyone for food, as the villagers on both sides of the road were used to wandering monks, and would definitely offer alms. Himalayan villagers consider it their dharma to feed wandering monks, even though they may not have sufficient food for themselves. Swamiji asked me to move in the early hours before sunrise so as I could cover more miles before sunset. But I was not in a hurry to reach anywhere! Next day morning before leaving Swamiji offered me a cloth and a few hundred rupees. I told him very politely that I needed nothing other than the blessing of a Himalayan saint like him, and added that I was not used to keeping money with me. He pressed me to at least accept the cloth which was kashaya coloured. My cloth was almost torn. I accepted the cloth from the Swamiji and taking my old cloth to the Ganga I threw it in. Swamiji was looking at my actions. He said, “Are you a parama virakt , 22 you are not willing to keep even one extra cloth with you. I do not understand how you will survive in the cold at Gangotri?” I simply replied, “With the blessings of my Guruji ,” and departed. Now I was moving through the roads in front of Sivananda Ashram. I moved fast as I did not want to be spotted by any swamis or brahmacharis known to me. After a while I could see the roads climbing up to a new road. This might be the bypass to Uttarkashi. I saw the tollgate or check post and went there and sat awhile. A forest guard was sitting there and I asked him how many days it would take to reach Uttarkashi. He said it all depends–a minimum of five or six days. I sat for some time there and then started walking. I was moving constantly. On the way I visited the famous Kunja Devi Mandir and stayed there for a couple of days. The poojari was very cooperative. This is one of the famous temples in Uttarakhand, and I noticed that most of the people in the Himalayas were Shakti worshippers. The mandir was on top of the hill so it was very cold. Along the way down

the mandir , there were many roadside hotels, since all buses for Uttarkashi halt there for food. A few buses bound for Uttarkashi were there, and yatris were taking food. I stood like a fool in front of a hotel, and after a few minutes was ready to move from there towards Uttarkashi. An old man frying bhoota (corn) offered me a piece from his basket. That was my lunch and dinner for that day. It was the third day of my walking and I was as tired as a dog running for hours. In the afternoon, I sat by the roadside, and leaning against a tree, slept for a while. Hearing a sound I woke up. It was about sunset hour. One Muslim lady (maybe a gujjar , from a community that keeps buffalos and sheep and moves around collecting grass for them) was standing in front of me. She asked whether I had had food. I said that I had eaten nothing other than just one corn the whole day. She went down the hill to where they kept their animals near a small hut where their family lived. By that time two children emerged from the hut and came towards me. They were staring at me curiously for some time. I called them, but perhaps they were afraid, for they did not come. The Muslim lady came, carrying two big rotis, some chutney made of leaves and a glassful of milk too. She offered them to me, and with a lot of happiness I accepted the food in my kappar . While I was eating, I saw two Naga sadhus pass by; they noticed me taking food, and stopped for a while and shouted at me. They said, “Saala, sharam nahi aati hai? Muslim ka roti khata hai. Tum koi baba nahi dikta hai. Paakhandi hai . (Aren’t you ashamed? Eating Muslim roti. You are no baba , but a hypocrite.) While continuing to eat, I told them, “Maharaj , I am not eating Muslim roti, this is wheat roti!” My sarcasm disturbed them and murmuring something they left. I told the Muslim Gujjar lady, “Maa , these people seem very orthodox. Don’t feel bad about those words.” Then I added, “Mata , I never take milk. So, please give me some water. She took the milk and went to the other hut to bring some buttermilk and some water. The two rotis made by the Gujjar Muslim

lady were very large and with those two rotis my stomach was full. I took the buttermilk and sat there for some time. Since the sun was about to set I opted to stay on the roadside for the night. The gujjar woman reappeared. This time her husband was also with her. Both of them sat near me and I didn’t mind even though they smelled of sweat, for they were kind. They asked me, “Maharaj, can you give us some water from your kamandal (jal pathra)? Since the last two days one of our buffalos has been having some swelling, she is not giving milk.” I wondered what they would do with my kamandal water. Maybe their belief would serve the purpose. I handed them my kamandal. They took it over to the buffalo and sprinkled some water from it on her udder and also sprinkled water in their hut and brought me back the kamandal . While they were sprinkling the water they were chanting some mantra . I asked them what they were chanting. They were quiet for some time. At my insistence they told me it was the ‘Bismillah mantra’ . My inner voice guided me to get that mantra from them—it might be useful to me too in the future. I asked them, “Mata , will you please teach me that mantra? They kept quiet and went to their hut. Early morning I went to the nearby jharna , washed my face and hands and was ready to move. The old woman came with a small glass full of black tea and to my wonder, said, “Because of your kamandal jal, my buffalo gave milk and there is no more swelling from where we milk her.” She asked me to take the tea and wash my hands and face again.

Avadhoota Nadananda

Avadhoota Nadananda in Younger Days

The First Day of Sanyasa Deeksha

Prasobh Maharaj

Cave of Mast Ram Baba

Shri Mast Ram Baba

Sadhana in Himalayas

In Bhava Samadhi

Entrance of the Ashram in Jammu

Gaddi at Jammu Ashram

The Initiation into Bismillah Mantra

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he sat near me, and said, “Take the mantra which we chanted yesterday that you asked for. This will definitely be useful to you in the future.” She chanted it in my ears three times. I memorized the mantra in no time— another initiation I received from someone other than my guru . Then I thought to myself, “Why am I thinking, other than my guru .” I corrected myself—I must think, my guru has appeared to me in another form and given me the mantra —yes. Of course, it was certainly like that. She asked me not to leave yet as she would prepare a few rotis for the journey. She said Uttarkashi is near and if I start now, I can easily reach there by night. The Muslim lady brought 2 to 3 rotis with her and the same chutney . I told her that being a sanyas i, I am not supposed to have ‘parigraha ’ (accumulate anything for future use), and I would not carry the rotis with me, but of course I would eat the rotis sitting near her. She was happy. This time the two children came near me again, and when I called out to them they came near, maybe because their mother was also sitting near. I asked the children to share rotis with me, and I started feeding them with my own hands. They ate one roti and I took one from the remainder. The lady asked me if I would eat anymore, if I waited for a few minutes she could prepare some more for me. I declined and after a few minutes of eating roti I was ready to move. The lady had tears in her eyes and asked me to stay there for another day. She said when she saw me she remembered her dead son who had drowned in the Ganga . Something was holding me back. I was thinking about the mother who had given birth to me, and my Guruji who gave me rebirth. This woman, even though a stranger, had given me the ‘Bismillah Mantra’ , and had fed me with all love and affection the night before and that morning too. She was like another mother to me. She was remembering her own son who had died in the Ganga when she looked at

me. I could see tears in her eyes. I decided to stay back that day and then move towards Uttarkashi next morning. The Muslim lady and her husband both went to collect grass. The children were sitting next to me. Looking at their faces and mud-covered bodies, I could see that they had not bathed for a few days. I told them that I had not had a bath since the day before and that we could all bathe in that stream. While I was bathing the children, the lady returned and was astonished to see the maharaj bathing her children. She brought a few clothes from her hut and changed clothes for the children, and I too bathed and went to sit under a tree. Once again the lady offered a plate of food. This time it was rice and dal and the same chutney . I noticed that butter had been put in the dal . She also brought a few green chillies and salt. I asked her to put everything together into my bhiksha pathra . While she was serving me, her husband arrived with lot of grass on his head. Keeping the grass there, he also joined her in serving rice. Even though he had not washed his hands before serving, I accepted the food he served. External cleanliness is much less important than internal cleanliness. This Muslim couple were very pure in their minds, I thought. When she was serving food, there were tears in her eyes. She was perhaps recalling the days she fed her son who drowned in the Ganga . I had a happy time with those people. My mind was attracted to them too, and telling me not to leave them. But I had to go, I must go. Once long ago I had left my mother, my guru , and now this mother. I wondered what it was in me that attracted all these people. Next morning I was ready to resume my journey. The Muslim lady came with tea. I took it considering it prasadam from a guru , as it was she only who had initiated me into the Bismillah mantra . With her permission, I started for Uttarkashi.

Life at Uttarkashi

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he days at Uttarkashi were very different. In the evening when I reached Uttarkashi, I spent many hours wandering around in the small town due to unfamiliarity with the place. On the way to the main market I came across a swamiji and asked where I might get an accommodation, even though I was not really interested in staying in any ashram. My Guruji had given me strict instructions right at the beginning about never ever staying in an ashram , and try to remain independent. The swamiji informed me that if I travelled one or two miles towards Gangotri road, I would reach a place known as Ujjaily, which was like a colony of sadhus/sanyasis where they stayed in different ashrams. I met a brahmachari from Rishikesh Ashram who took me to the branch of the Sivananda Ashram at Ujjaily. The swamiji there was very generous and said that I could stay there if I wished. But I opted for the verandah or the ghat . He didn’t agree to that and gave me a set of keys to a place across the road known as Sanatkumar cottage. He said I could easily stay there as it was vacant at the time. The owner of that cottage, a Bengali swamiji , was in Calcutta and would be back after five or six months. I went there with the brahmachari who was also willing to stay with me. The cottage was big, with two/three rooms and a cave in the basement. I opted to stay in the cave. The system at Uttarkashi was very different. Every sadhu had to go someplace in order to receive bhiksha except for the aged and sick. In the mornings I would see sadhus walking on the road towards the annakshetras (almonries, a place where free food is distributed to wandering monks). There were three well-known annakshetras . Kala Kambliwala was the oldest, Punjab-Sindh Annakshetra and Dandi Ashram. At Kala Kambliwala

we used to get five rotis and vegetables or dal ; at Punjab-Sindh roti , rice, dal and vegetable; and at Dandi Ashram rice and dal , often vegetables or some sweets. I would usually go to Kala Kambliwala, collect my share of roti and then move on to Dandi Ashram for rice. Evenings, all of us sadhus would assemble at Kailash Ashram in Ujjaily for bhiksha . Sadhus at Ujjaily, after collecting their bhiksha , took it to their rooms and added some masala or seasoning to the dal, etc. The morning’s bhiksha would be sufficient for the evening as well. It was only very rarely that we went for evening bhiksha at Kailash Ashram. Once during the bhiksha at Kala Kambliwala kshetra, I met Swami Mangalananda, who has a well-built cottage at Mangala ghat known as Mangala Ashram. That swamiji was from Kerala state and had been living in Ujjaily for a long time. He asked me to visit his cottage and so the next day after collecting my bhiksha and having it on the banks of the Ganga , I went to meet the swamiji . He introduced me to other swamijis from Kerala who had come from Gangotri. Swami Bhumananda and Swami Samprasadananda were well known for their scholarship in Vedanta. 23 They were from Sri Ramakrishna Mission and disciples of Swami Eeswarananda of Kerala. To my amazement, Ujjaily was full of swamijis from Kerala and Bengal. Even now I cannot think of a reason why most of the Bengali and Malayali swamijis chose to do their sadhana in Ujjaily. Of course, Ujjaily was a very beautiful location—calm, serene with beautiful scenery. I was staying for more than one week in that Sanat cottage. Feeling guilty that I was staying there in spite of my Guruji having cautioned me against depending on ashrams , I went one day to the swamiji at Sivanand Ashram, and returned the keys back to him. By this time the brahmachari who stayed with me had left for Gangotri. Once again I went to Mangala Ashram and asked swamiji to give permission to stay at his

ashram ghat . He refused and said that if at all I wanted to stay, it would be at his ashram . The Ganga ghats belong to none. They are owned by Ganga Mata only. With that impression in my mind, I went back to Ujjaily and started staying at a ghat near the Sanat cottage. Swamis who used to come to bathe would look at me very suspiciously and cautioned that it is not a good idea to stay there as the ghat was frequented by small poisonous snakes. I was in no mood to listen to their words. Days had been passing without any sadhana , and I thought I should make proper use of my time and for that reason, I decided to start another purascharan of Srividya at the ghat itself. The next day I did not go for bhiksha ; instead started my japa in the morning itself, after taking a sankalp of my Shodashi purashcharan . Around 11 am Swami Bhumanandji came in search of me and asked why I had not gone for bhiksha . He also brought some rotis and vegetables for me. The system in Ujjaily is that, if any of the known sadhus is not seen at the Annakshetras , then definitely one of the sadhus would come to enquire about his welfare and pass on the alms. I told him that as I had mentioned earlier I had started a purascharan of Srividya , and had not gone for bhiksha , and assured him that I would take bhiksha from the next day onwards. He also brought good news from Swami Mangalananda that he had accepted my request of staying at his ghat. But some ego was driving my mind—now why should I go back to him. I told this to Bhumanandaji, but he laughed that I could not cast off my ego for this small matter. He persuaded me to go the ghat of Mangala Ashram. Most of the senior swamijis who were well known for their scholarship never used to do much ritual. They just recited the Shiva Mahimna stotra in the evening time in their cottages/ashrams . But I was neither a mature sanyas i nor a scholar. I had taken the sankalp to do japa of shodashi 16 lakh times, and I was adamant about it. Bhumananda took me back to Mangala Ashram and the swamiji who had

spoken to me roughly the day before and denied me stay at the ashram ghats , now called me and appreciated my courage at staying at the ghat and doing sadhana . When he heard from Bhumanandji that I had taken sankalpa of the Srividya purashcharan and this was my third one on the banks of the Ganga, Mangalaanand swamiji was very happy to welcome me to his ashram . He told me “If you want to stay at the ghat , I would not have any problem. Yesterday I was not in a good mood. Or if you want to stay here in this ashram, you are most welcome.” I told him that though it was comfortable at the Sanat cottage, remembering my Guruji’s orders, I felt I was doing a mistake by staying in an ashram , and that was why I had opted to stay at the ghats in freedom. If I lived in an ashram I would have to follow the rules and regulations of the ashram . Swamiji enquired about my Guruji . He was happy to hear her name, and said, “Two years ago, once during my visit to Mookambika, I met that Amma at the temple premises. I know she was a well-known Avadhoota Mayee there. Oh! You are lucky to be her disciple.” Bhumananda brought some coffee which we all had during our conversation. Swamiji asked me about my possessions, offering me space to keep them in the Ashram . I told him that all I had was one cloth, one kambal and a bhiksha pathra and jal pathra. I never kept money. Hearing that, he was wonderstruck, and laughingly said, “These Malayalis are all extremists, either this end or that end.” Days were passing smoothly in the calm and quiet atmosphere of Mangala ghat. Every day once or twice, Swamiji would come to enquire if I needed anything. I always would tell him that I needed nothing except for his blessings. Every day before and after bhiksha I used to do my japa. Then after resting for an hour, I continued japa until night. I never went for bhiksha during the evenings. Sometimes, Bhumanandaji would bring some tea or coffee, and so I was very happy and contented there. One hot summer night, I was sitting and doing japa on a rock near the ghat by the stream of

the Ganga . I saw a shadow on the ghat steps, and was a bit nervous, wondering who it could be at that late hour? I got up and moved towards the ghat . Reaching there, I was in amazement! It was my Guruji — Avadhoota Tara Mayee —standing on the ghat looking at me. I thought for a moment—I was not sleeping, but sitting and chanting, so I cannot be dreaming. But how can this be true? I pinched my hand to check whether I was dreaming! Amma held my hands and asked me to sit near her. Now I knew it was not a dream, it was really happening. She opened a small packet she was carrying and gave it to me. It was full of groundnuts fried in ghee with pepper sprinkled on it. She asked me to eat it. I slowly started eating it and wanted to feed Amma some nuts too, so I asked her, “Amma please have some groundnuts with me.” Saying that I extended my hand towards her. She laughed at me and said, “Arre, you forget that I have no teeth?” At that, tears immediately began flowing down my cheeks. I was thinking that even if this were a dream, it should not end. Was it a dream? Or was it real? I don’t know. But it had happened, and even after so many years I still remember it as if it just happened now.

The Stay Continues

I

was a bit unhappy with the days, as I was unable to do more japa due to the flow of visitors coming to me. I tried stopping them but could not do so, and once asked them not to disturb me as I was doing a purascharan . I wondered what it was in me that was attracting at least two or three visitors every day, who were talking about Srividya and other subjects for hours together. One day I told Mangalanand Swamiji that I was being disturbed, and would like to move elsewhere, requesting him to suggest a place where I could be left alone to do sadhana without any trouble. He was not inclined to allow me to leave that ghat, and said that he would take care of the visitor problem. Now the visitors were fewer, and occasionally one or two swamis or brahmacharis did come, and that only when the swamiji was sleeping. If he was there on the verandah of his cottage none were allowed to come to me. Winter was over, and the Chaar Dham temples were now open to pilgrims. Almost two months passed like this with the daily routine of japa without disturbance. My mind was at Gangotri and I was planning to move there after completing the japa the following month. Bhumanandji and Samprasadanandji left for Gangotri, where they stayed in their caves, during the season. I was surprised to see one of the swamijis I had known in Mookambika at Kala Kambliwala Annakshetra one day. I greeted him politely and asked about everything at Mookambika. He narrated that before leaving, he had met my Guruji at the Mookambika temple and she told him that I would certainly be at Uttarkashi. My memories went back to my days at

Mookambika, and with tears in my eyes enquired about my Guruji and about her health. Swamiji told me that everything was well at Mookambika and that my Guruji was doing well. I was happy to hear that. Even though he asked where I was put up in Uttarkashi, I did not reveal the details, because I was afraid of getting disturbed daily by his visits. However, he was moving towards Gangotri next day. Days passed without any changes to the routine. It was as usual. One great scholar swamiji came from somewhere in Gujarat and was teaching classes on ‘Panchadasi’ written by Vidyaranya Muni. This book is one of the most revered ones in Vedanta . Mangalananda said if I was interested, I could cut short two hours of japa and attend his pravachan at Kailash Ashram. I was not much interested in hearing about Vedanta as my mind was settled on japa . I replied in the negative. My japa was about to conclude. For the last few days I had not been going for bhiksha in the kshetras . I was depending only on Ganga jal . If I went for bhiksha I would waste two–three hours. I wanted to utilize that time also for japa . The hair on my body would stand on end in romaharsha (bristling of the hair in delight) during japa . I always heard the mantra (shodashi ) around me, whether I be at the Ganga , or on the road. Five days passed without food. Slowly I was becoming weak; sometimes I felt I would be unable to walk even to the Ganga which was only a few steps away from me. I was sure that I would be able to complete my japa by the following evening. But here, unlike with the panditji at Vyas Ghat, there was nothing with me to do Homa with. When Mangalanandji came to me, I asked him “Swamiji, by tomorrow evening my japa will be over. But I wonder how I will do the Dasamsha havan and tarpan .” Then the Swamiji replied, “Look, you have done ‘Viraja homa’ and now you are a sanyas i. You are

not supposed to or even required to do any havan or tarpan . Instead of that you can do ‘Dasamsha japa’ .” I was happy to hear the solution given by Swamiji , but that meant that there would be one more day of japa . I agreed to do that one more day of japa . It was the evening hour when the sun had not yet reached the western sky. But as usual in the Himalayan hills, it was getting dark. I was doing japa . But I was very hungry. My body was shivering a little bit from weakness. To my wonder I once again saw my Guruji in front of me. This time around it was not night nor was I sleeping. I stopped my japa and stood up with difficulty. My Guruji held my hands and lifted me from the asan and embraced me with all warmth and affection. As usual I was crying. She put her hand into the pocket of her ‘alphy ’ and took a mediumsized packet, wrapped in leaves and gave it to me, and in an aggressive voice she started scolding me, “I have not sent you here for dying. Who told you not to eat anything? You stupid boy, you are disturbing my mind again and again doing such nonsense. Don’t repeat such acts in the future. If you want to do sadhana , you must eat something. I told you earlier that this body is the instrument for sadhana . If you don’t keep your room neat, clean and tidy, how can you sit in it? Likewise, your body should be clean and neat, eat properly and do your sadhana . I never thought you were so stupid.” Scolding, she asked me to sit and she also sat near me. The packet she gave me was in my hands. I was yet to open it. She took the packet back in her hands and opened it. Aha, the aroma of rice and sambar rushed to my nose. I was amazed how Amma had come with rice and sambar! It was unbelievable. She opened the rice packet, packed in plantain leaves and mixing with her own hands, she slowly started feeding me. I wept, and looking at me Amma started scolding again, “You are an idiot, no doubt. I am here and now with you, feeding you with my own hands, yet you cry. What for? See I am alive, not dead. Even if I were dead, you know very well that I would be with you. Don’t be foolish. Sit quiet

and eat properly.” There was no end to my tears. She lifted her hand and with her alphy she dried my tears once, twice, thrice. But in my mind there was a guilt feeling that because of me Amma had been put to trouble. I made her travel all the way from Mookambika to me; since I had not been eating and was weak she had to come. This is the same with all gurus . Whenever the disciples are in distress, the guru runs towards the disciple to help. Amma kept on feeding me. I saw that because of old age her hands were shivering. It was too much for me to bear. Never had I got such affection from anywhere, even from my own mother who gave birth to me. I was unable to control my tears. By this time I had probably eaten half of the rice and sambar. I signalled to Amma with my hand, that I needed no more, but she was not ready to stop feeding me. Just like a mother taking care of feeding her small child, she was coaxing me to eat a little more, a little more. After a few fistful of morsels I stopped eating, and I said to Amma , “You have not taken any food, Amma .” She laughed and said, “Tumko maloom hai, main sab ko khilakar khati hai. ” (She would never eat first, and as mentioned earlier, she would feed birds, reptiles, rabbits, dogs, ants, even serpents and then me and only after that would she take a little bit.) I considered my Amma as the embodiment of the goddesses Annapoorna, Lakshmi, Kali, Saraswati, Durga, and others. While taking the remaining food from the plantain leaf she again said “I think you can now move to Gangotri. Remember, Gangotri is extremely cold. Stay there in some safe place and don’t forget to eat something daily. You should not do upavasa . If you do so, it will be trouble for me, and I have to come all the way to feed you. So do not do any such stupidity in future.” (After that I stopped doing upavas during my stay in Himalayas.) She took my hand in her hands for a few minutes. I felt as if some current were passing through my whole body. My body shook for some moments. Then removing her hand from mine, she disappeared just the way she had appeared. This was my last meeting with my Guruji in this form

during my Himalayan days. She never appeared in her own form, thenceforth. But I had many experiences of her presence in other forms. My Guruji was a Siddha Avadhoota . She could easily assume any form and be able to appear anywhere at any time. I know that whatever experiences I had during my Himalayan days are only due to her blessings. I sat for some more time in the quietness at the ghat , mentally preparing for the journey to Gangotri next day.

Towards Gangotri

N

ext morning after conveying namaskars to Mangalanand Swamiji I was about to start for Gangotri by walk. Swamiji gave me some instructions about life at Gangotri. He added that I could very well stay with Bhumanandji at his cave. By that time a small group of Swamiji’s devotees from Lucknow arrived there. They had come by car and were on their way to Gangotri. Swamiji asked me, “If you are willing to travel by car, join my disciples. They will take care of you.” I declined and opted to travel by foot only, as I was very eager to learn about and understand the pros and cons of Himalayan life. Traveling by car, I could have reached there by evening, but it would have been just mechanical. I told them I preferred to walk. I was walking by the small market in Bhatwadi on the way to Gangotri when I saw the Naga sadhus who had scolded me for eating from the hand of a Muslim lady. They offered me a few fruits and asked me to join them in the journey. As I wanted to travel alone, I did not join them. I reached Harsil the same day and was tired because of the continuous journey. I sat on the roadside by the Ganga banks. I noticed a sign indicating the presence of a military camp there. A few military people in uniform were moving here and there. I sat there for more than two hours. After sometime a military jawan came near and asked if I was on my way to Gangotri. I nodded. He also asked whether I had taken any food. I shook my head—since morning I had eaten nothing. The previous day, a roadside shopkeeper had given me some boiled potatoes and tea. That had been all the food for the day. The jawan then asked me to follow him. When both of us went inside, another jawan asked him in Malayalam , “Ravindran, why have you brought this maharaj here?” The first jawan replied that I was hungry and tired, and he was going to feed me from their mess. When I

heard them speak in Malayalam, my affection towards my mother tongue rose up, and I spoke with them in Malayalam, and they were happy to hear that I was also from Kerala. Rice and dal were served, and while I was eating, Ravindran the first jawan went out for some time. The other jawan was talking to me and serving vegetables. Ravindran brought me some mango pickles which he brought from his home when he returned from annual leave. After a long time I was eating something made in Kerala. I ate the food very happily. Finally, he served me rice once again and poured some unflavoured yogurt on my plate. (I did not use my kappar for the meal since I assumed these jawans were used to eating non-vegetarian food. So I did not want to make my bhiksha pathra apavitrata [impure]. I took food in their serving plates. I was having yogurt for the first time since leaving Kerala, and it is one of my favourite foods. I remembered my elder sister then, who used to feed me daily with a mix of yogurt and rice after my return from school. After food they took me to their barracks, where there were some more Malayali jawans . They all spoke with me in great reverence and one of them offered me a packet of cigarettes. I took one and started smoking even though I was not used to that. I was ready to move. The jawans in this area are very generous and helpful. They believed in babas/maharajs , maybe because they live a risky life in those Himalayan hills. I was ready to move. Ravindran offered me a kambal . I refused it saying that if I carried that other military people would suspect me of theft. Then the other jawan opened his box and brought out a civilian chaadar made of wool. He said he had got it from Harsil and that even at Gangotri one cannot survive without blankets. He requested me to accept the shawl. As this was purchased from the market the military would not suspect me for this shawl, and I accepted it. Now it was nearing sunset, so they told me to resume pilgrimage the next day as it would be dangerous to

move at night. They informed me of a small temple in the military campus, where I could rest and took me to that small mandir. One senior officer was at the temple doing namaskars , and he looked at me for a few moments. Ravindran told him in Tamil, “Sir, the swami is from Kerala, traveling by foot to Gangotri. We would like to accommodate him on the verandah of the temple for tonight.” The senior officer did not deny the request. It seemed like he wanted to talk to me, but since the juniors were around him, he kept quiet for some time and then signalled with his hand to his juniors to leave that place. Ravindran and his friends left. The senior officer asked me whether I spoke Tamil. I told him I didn’t, but that he could certainly talk to me in English. He talked to me at length on life here and there in different parts of the Himalayas, and finally I noticed his face changing and it seemed like he wanted to talk to me about something very serious. I told him not to worry, that he could speak freely. This appeared to embolden him and he said, “I was married to a woman seven years ago. We have no children and doctors say there is no problem with both of us. But I am anxious, and we are eagerly awaiting that good day when a child would be born to us.” I saw a few drops of tears in his eyes. But what could I do? I was thinking about it. All of a sudden a current passed through me. I told him there was nothing to worry, and that Bhagavan (God) is very merciful. I asked where his wife was. She was in his parental home in Kerala. Then I told him to go to Mookambika with his wife on his next annual leave. I told him in detail about my Guruji, who was capable of doing anything for the welfare of others. I gave him instructions on reaching my Guruji, and told him to take with him a few fruits as offering. If my Guruji returned a fruit out of the offering, his desire would be fulfilled. He noted down everything in his small pocket dairy. Before he left, I gave him some kumkum which I used to keep with me for daily use, and told him to send it to his wife to use for tilak every day after her bath. I was tired and ready to sleep. The senior

officer wanted to give me some money. I refused it, telling him I that I never ever kept money. (After few years during my visit to Kamakhya in Guwahati, Assam, I met the same senior officer again at the residence of a colonel with whom I was staying. He recognized me and bowed in prostration, and with tears of joy told me of his meeting with my Guruji in Mookambika a month after I had met him at Harsil. He had two children now, both studying in Kendriya Vidyalaya at Guwahati. I too was glad to hear the news. The colonel, with whom I stayed, is a disciple from Haryana, and he asked for details of the episode, and the officer narrated everything to him.) Early morning Ravindran came to me with a mug full of tea and some biscuits. By this time I had bathed near the temple and was ready to move on. We had tea and biscuits together. He did namaskars and I resumed my journey towards Gangotri immediately. By evening, I reached Gangotri. It was very cold there and I was shivering. This was my first time in the upper Himalayas. To see the snow-clad mountains around me and the beauty of deodar (Indian native variety of cedar) trees everywhere was enchanting. Here the beautiful Ganga looked like a big stream. I reached the Ganga , and washing my hands and face, went directly to the temple. It was arathi time. A few Garhwali villagers and some pilgrims were there and of course few sadhu sanyasis as well. It was not difficult for me to find Swami Bhumanandji with whom I had stayed in Uttarkashi. After arathi he told me, “Let us go to my cave. If you like the place, stay there with me.” He was direct and plain in speech always. We reached his cave on the other side of the Ganga . I noticed several huts with tin shed and some caves. Only a few pukka buildings were there. Samprasadananda was sitting on a rock near his cave. He got up and welcomed me. He was a very nice person and had no ego of scholarship. They were both guru bhais and used to live together at Gangotri and Uttarkashi. Since long time they had not stepped down to Uttarkashi. My

belongings were one kambal and the chaadar given to me by the military man. And of course, my kamandal (jal pathra) and kappar (bhiksha pathra ) were also with me. I was wearing a small cloth ending at my knees. Looking at me, Bhumanandji was irritated, “What are you thinking; this is not your Kerala that you can manage with just one piece of cloth. You are stupid. This is Gangotri, covered fully by snow—you cannot survive here without proper clothes, your Virakti has no meaning. If it were possible to realize Bhagavan by mere nakedness, then dogs and cows would have surely realized Bhagavan before you. You don’t recognize that your body is an instrument for your sadhana. ” He then handed me a few kambals and an alphy from his belongings, saying, “If you want to live here at all, dress properly which will protect you from the cold.” I did not take the clothes. I was ready to die. I told him, “Swamiji, but with my Guru’s krupa (grace) nothing will happen. I can tolerate the cold here. You don’t worry. I will live with my belongings.” There was no reply to this. Samprasadanad came and told Bhumanandji that it was time to go to Dandi Ashram for night bhiksha . I felt that I should not accompany them. When I told them that I was not coming for food, Bhumanandji again shouted at me, “I have never seen a fool like you. Paramatma (Supreme Soul - God) has made everything for us here. Now you are here, with your stupid things, and you are not taking anything. See if you don’t want to eat dinner, okay no problem, but at least have some milk from the Dandi Ashram with us, for god’s sake.” I saw affection in his eyes even though he was speaking to me roughly. I went with him. There in Dandi Ashram, I had a glass full of milk and two or three biscuits. I slept in Bhumanandji’s cave that night. He also slept nearby. Bhumanandji was a very good person and I knew he loved me, and wanted me to progress even higher in my sadhana . That may have been the reason for him speaking roughly to me. I was tired of the continuous journey, and slept very deeply. In the morning I wanted to go bathe in the

Ganga but Bhumanandji stopped me, advising against it saying it would be dangerous till I had adjusted to the climate. Two or three days passed in that cave. One day I told Bhumanandji that I would like to start sadhana of Shodashi Purascharan in Gangotri. Also that I would like to stay at Gangotri for at least four months, as I can complete the japa in three months and then visit Gomukh, the place from where Mother Ganga originates. He showed me a small cave near his, which had been unused for a long time. The previous year a Bengali sadhu was staying there, but this year he had not come to Gangotri and if it was okay for me I could have a good stay there. I started cleaning the cave as it was quite dirty. Bhumanandji also helped me and it took us more than 3 to 4 hours to clean it. Now my abode was ready to be occupied. Bhumanandji gave me a few cartons and gunny bags to use for spreading out on my asan to sleep on. I opened the cartons and spread them over the gunny bags. Now the asan was ready. It was time for bhiksha , and we went to have it at Dandi Ashram. One thing I noticed was that being a sadhu with kappar in hand, I was not allowed to sit in the row of sadhu sanyasis , but supposed to take bhiksha from the ashram door, and sit somewhere outside and eat it. There were two or three sanyasis who used to take bhiksha in kappar . A few rotis , some dal and rice and vegetables were put in the kappar by a brahmachari . I could easily notice the reverence towards the sanyasis who carried kappars. I took the bhiksha to my cave and sat there for a while. By that time Bhumanandji and Samprasadanad came after finishing their food at the ashram. I was yet to take my bhiksha . Bhumanandji came near me and said, “Maharaj, I didn’t know that you were using the kappar . Wait, I will give you some lemon pickle which we made at Mangal Ashram, in Uttarkashi.” He brought the pickle and I then had my first bhiksha at Gangotri. I wanted to begin sadhana the next day, and conveyed this to Bhumanandji and his guru bhai. I told them I would leave the cave only for

bhiksha since I wanted to spend the maximum time possible in japa with a goal of completing it in ninety days. Making the sankalp by the Ganga , I came back to the cave with a kamandal full of water and began my japa of shodashi . This was the fourth purascharan in Himalayas. I started the japa with great joy. There was a deep silence around the cave. Usually nobody came there except for a few swamijis who came to visit their guru bhais occasionally. I felt at ease there.

Gangotri Life Continues

M

y sadhana at Gangotri was going very well. Every day after bhiksha I would walk around the hills/forests with no aim in mind. My mind was in search of something unknown. Months passed without any disturbance. Suddenly one day, the swamiji from Bengal who used to stay in the cave which I was using, arrived. He asked me to vacate his cave. I obeyed since he had been occupying the cave for a few years—though of course, none of the gufas (caves) are registered in anybody’s name! I vacated and came out. About a month was still left for me to complete my japa purascharan . Bhumanandji was at a loss for what to do for my accommodation. I told him not to worry, as I considered this a test for me, a test whether I would leave my sadhana. I was better without amenities there. I told Bhumanandji that my Guruji was always with me and Amma would take care of my needs. I went around in search of a place where I could sit for japa without any more disturbances. Finally a few yards downstream by the Ganga, I noticed a flat rock where I saw a swamiji getting ready to leave for Haridwar that day. I went to him and told him of my problem. He happily agreed to give me a tent-like thing made of plastic. Now Bhumanandji also arrived there and spoke to that Swamiji. Swamiji had no problem giving me that place provided I gave him the amount he had spent for plastic and for putting up the tent. I had nothing with me and so was a bit depressed. Bhumanandji said he would pay for the plastic which cost almost 300 rupees! Thus I managed to get a place to continue my sadhana . Only the top of the tent was some kind of plastic material—the sides were all open to the merciless wind.

I occupied that place and resumed japa . There were no possessions or money or any valuables, and the only valuables were my kamandal and kappar , so I had nothing to worry about. It was unlikely that anyone would want these things. And if some person did, I did not care about that either. And why did I need to worry since my Guruji was always there to take care of everything for me. The days at that tent were fine. But the nights were terrible. Now a drizzling rain also started. I shivered at nights because of the chilly wind. I just had one kambal and one chadar (sheet). Late one night I saw Bhumanandji walking up to me with something in his hands. I continued with the japa . He came near and gave me two kambals and asked me to layer them and cover my body to save myself from that biting cold. He also told me that on the day of return, I must give back the kambals to him. I was thus saved from the biting cold at Gangotri due to the help of Bhumanandji. Every morning this swamiji would give milk and biscuit to the sadhus staying at Gangotri. For this he used to bring lots of milk powder every year, and daily he would make milk and distribute it. His sadhu-seva (service) mentality was wonderful. I too used to go there and get a packet of biscuits and even though he insisted on my taking some milk too, I never did, as I did not like milk. The next day started with high fever and body ache. This was due to the wind, which had been blowing all night long. By evening, the fever had gone up much higher and I was unable to move my body from the kambal . I was shivering. Somehow, Bhumanandji came to know of my condition and reached me with some tablets. He also collected some firewood from here and there, and made a fire near me on the flat rock where I had been staying. That was my first fire. After a few hours the fever vanished, but I was still very weak. Bhumanandji brought some black coffee made from coffee powder and pepper. That helped very much to keep my body warm.

The next day Bhumanandji suggested that it would be better for my health if I left Gangotri as good treatment was definitely available at Uttarkashi. I was not ready to do so as my mind kept saying that nothing would happen to me; moreover at any cost, I wanted to complete my purascharan at Gangotri itself. Soon I recovered and could easily go for bhiksha . On the days I had fever and was unable to walk, Bhumanandji would bring me a few rotis and vegetables from the Annakshetra . His service mentality was wonderful. The 90th day of my purascharan was nearing. I was thinking to myself that within 2–3 days I would be able to reach my goal. I met Bhumanandji at Annakshetra and said to him, “By the day after tomorrow, my japa will be over. I don’t feel I will be able to move to Gomukh this time as my health is not good and I am weak. After completion of my japa I will return to Uttarkashi and stay there for some more days before resuming my pilgrimage to the next destination.” Swamiji agreed and said that within 4–5 days he would also be going to Uttarkashi to purchase milk powder, and that I should join him. I told I preferred to go by walk as I didn’t carry money with me. As usual he once again shouted at me, “Your virakti has no meaning! Here bhakts (devotees) are coming and giving dakshina for the use of our people. You are a fool to not accept money, and now when you are in need who will help you? Anyway, it’s not a problem; I will take a ticket for you up to Uttarkashi. You can come with me. I will see that you get good treatment for your health at Uttarkashi.” Next day I was supposed to leave Gangotri. I went around the cottages and caves and one or two small ashrams in Gangotri and did namaskaras to all sadhus and sanyasis and bid farewell to them. We took the early morning bus to Uttarkashi and reached there around sunset. Both of us went directly to Mangala Ashram, where I stayed before coming to Gangotri.

Stay at Ashram Verandah

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ith the permission of Swami Mangalananda I started staying on the verandah of the ashram . Mangalanandji insisted on me staying in the room, but I was not willing. The next day Bhumanandji took me to a doctor in the government dispensary and after preliminary check-up and a blood test he gave some medicines. I was too weak to go for bhiksha at Kali Kambili Annakshetras as it was bit far away from the ashram . Bhumanandji left for Gangotri after purchases. After few days, I recovered from the weakness and fever, and was able to go to the kshetras for my daily bhiksha . During the days of illness, one brahmachari known to Mangalanandji brought me rotis and dal every day. Those days passed by without any sadhana , and I was feeling very bad that I was just sitting and eating. Once, Mangalanandji asked me if I wished to study Vedanta . I was not interested in studying, in those days, and was willing to do only japa sadhana . Once again I wanted to start my shodashi purascharan , but the swamiji said, “You have just recovered from illness. Be here and take rest for a month or two, and then better move to Haridwar and stay somewhere there and do your sadhana. I agreed to his suggestion and stayed there. Swamiji gave me some Malayalam books on Vedanta and I started reading them regularly. Swamiji wanted me to read them loudly for him, so I did that every day and swamiji would listen attentively. After a few days, the thought to move on from Uttarkashi again began to overpower my mind. However, because of the fear of swamiji , I kept the idea hidden in my mind only. The book reading was almost complete. Then swamiji brought out another famous book—The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna —and asked me to start this one.

This was the second time I was reading that book. During my college days I ran away from home once and reached Sri Ramakrishna Ashram in Thrissur. I told the swamiji in-charge of the ashram that I wanted to join the Ramakrishna Mission, and after a day’s stay there I was sent to the Kancheepuram branch of the mission, to Swami Smaraharananda. That swamiji was very old and another young swamiji from Ceylon was also staying there. I was entrusted with the work of cleaning the temple utensils (pooja pathras , etc.) and mopping the mandir hall. Smaraharananda who was also from Kerala gave me the same book in Malayalam, and made me read it daily after lunch. Swamij i used to hear about the life and teachings of Sri Ramakrishna. (Just as I ran away from home and reached the Kancheepuram Ashram, the same way I ran away one day from the ashram too and went back home. What a foolish boy I was in those days!). Mangalananda and I were enjoying the gospel-like nectar, and he would give me explanations in the middle of the readings, upon the words of Sri Ramakrishna. In fact, this was the book that added fuel to the fire in me, which gave me vairagya in my younger days. Life at Mangala Ashram was going on smoothly. Almost one month had passed when I told swamiji one day that I would like to make a move to Haridwar as he suggested. But he said that I should leave only after completing the book. Even though he scolded me sometimes (because of my foolishness) that swamiji was a great personality, who loved me very much. On another day I told the swamiji that though I was not going to Haridwar, I would still like to roam around the Himalayas for some more time. He was against my wandering here and there. Whenever I said I wanted to travel, swamiji would refuse and make me drop the programme. My mind was with Ashamayee at Triyuginarayan, and after meeting that Amma once, I wanted to go to Tibet in search of my roots.

Gyanganj in Tibet is the origin of my guru parampara . I had heard this from my Guruji several times and once even Ashamayee told me about Gyanganj. I was unaware if I needed a passport and visa to go to Tibet, as it is under Chinese territory. Gyanganj is somewhere in the northern part of Tibet. Once I talked at length about this to Mangalanandaji but he asked how I would reach there without valid papers. Even though I too understood these practical problems, I was still very adamant about going there as I knew that every wish of mine would be fulfilled by the grace of my Guruji . So finally without taking permission of Mangalanandaji, I got ready to move to Triyuginarayan somewhere in the upper Himalayas. Swamiji smelt of my plan somehow and came and asked. “You are planning to move. Okay. Sanyasis are like wind. They can move anywhere and everywhere, why do they need permission from anybody? Do one thing, whenever you come back to Uttarkashi, come back to this ashram . Be with me.” I agreed and left the ashram towards Triyuginarayan where Ashamayee resided.

Towards Triyugi—I

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ife in the Himalayan hills was like the life of a wild bird—free to fly up in the sky far and wide, rest awhile on a tree when tired, and eat whatever it could find for food. I felt like that bird, so free from the clutches of maya , and moving around the beautiful Himalayan hills, in search of what—I don’t know. Life was so carefree there in that journey, where I would walk and walk for miles with no destination in mind, and eat whatever was offered by a villager or shopkeeper, and resume my journey towards the ultimate. I was very happy as I was free from the so-called rules and regulations of an ashram. When I spotted a jharna , I might bathe and sit for a while doing japa , then move on. Thoughts of food or shelter never bothered me. And why did I need to bother? Amma was always behind me —her loving and caring hands on my head always. I asked several villagers for directions to Triyugi. Somebody said that I had to go to Guptakashi first and then on to Ukhimatt, and then to Triyuginarayan. I was not worried about not finding the way, and whenever and wherever I felt tired, I would rest by the roadside or in any small mandir or near any jharna . More than food, water was the important factor. But in the Himalayan hills there is no water scarcity at all, there are big and small streams everywhere. Once I was sitting near a village at a small tea shop. The tea shop owner served me with some boiled and dried potatoes and then tea. While I was taking the tea, one villager came there and started abusing me and accusing me of having stolen some valuables from his house the previous day. He was fully drunk. He grabbed at my clothes, shouting ‘chor, chor’ . The tea shop owner was very annoyed and pushed him away from me. Even then he was not in a mood to leave me and caught hold of my clothes.

I also got very angry and was about to give him a kick, when another villager standing near the teashop came to my rescue and gave the drunkard two or three good blows. He fell down on the road. Since I was an outsider, I wondered what I would do if all the villagers were to band together and attack me as a thief. A few women were near the shop with grass and firewood on their heads. They put their heavy loads down near the shop, and asked what the scene was all about. One of the women loudly admonished the drunkard about insulting a sadhu and warned that if a sadhu were to curse one of them, the whole village would go to ruin. I was amazed to see the two faces of those villagers at the same time—one side in my favour were praising me, the other side with the drunkard scolding me. Suddenly the shopkeeper came to the drunkard and beat him up and told him that if he suspected me, he could check in my clothes and other belongings. If no valuables were found on me, he cautioned the drunkard that he would haul him to the village panchayat for vilifying a sadhu on pilgrimage. Everyone agreed. They stripped me, and as I did not have even a single penny or any valuables other than my pathras and pair of kambals , everyone was ashamed and asked me for pardon. They took the villager to the panchayat , asking me to follow them. In the village courtyard, a few villagers assembled and began questioning me. I told them I was on my way to Triyugi from Uttarkashi and possessed no valuables. And also added that I was passing that way for the first time, and had no knowledge about the villager or his valuables. The Panchayat was distraught that a sadhu’ s wrath in the form of a curse might ruin the whole village. I told the villagers that I was the last person to curse anybody, as my Guruji had taught me that even if others wronged me I should pardon them. One of the village women I had seen near the tea shop then brought some tea without milk and offered it to me with devotion. I sat there calm and composed, and had that tea. By that time the high intoxication of the drunkard had come down. He came near me and

touching my feet, wept and begged pardon for his mistake and requested me not to curse the village on his account. I told him not to worry, that I was not angry with him and was ready to move on. It was almost sunset time and the villagers requested me not to travel in the hills at night as it was dangerous. They told me to resume journey the next day. I agreed and went to the village mandir , and keeping my kambal , etc., on the verandah, went to the nearby stream for a wash. Though no one was near, yet an unknown fear now crept over me. This was the first and most bitter experience I had had in the Himalayan hills. I bathed and returned to the village mandir and sat for a while in japa . It was almost dark but I could make out that a couple of people were approaching me with a small kerosene lamp in their hand. It was the old drunkard with his wife and another villager, perhaps their relative. They had brought me some rice, dal and chutney . While eating, the now normal drunkard, asked for pardon again for his mischief. His wife wept and told me that it was his nature to drink a lot and quarrel with her daily. As if nothing had happened, I sat there very calmly and ate the food they brought. The mukhiya (chief) of the village then arrived, enquiring about whether I was going to Triyugi. I told him I was on pilgrimage in the Himalayan hills, and that my Guruji’s guru-behen was staying and doing tapas in Triyugi. During those days my Hindi was not good. In my broken Hindi I told them about my journey and future plans to go Tibet via Triyugi in search of the Almighty. The syana (chief) was very impressed and asked if I needed anything. By this time I had finished eating and felt very tired. The drunkard and wife told me they would be very happy if I stayed in their village for a few days. But I told them of my inability to do, and had to be constantly moving till my goal was reached. They requested me to stay at least for two days as they wanted to do seva and repent for the sins they have incurred by insulting a wandering sadhu . The village ‘syana’ also requested me to stay in their village for 2 or 3 days and they would be

happy to serve me. Seeing the innocence in their eyes, I told that I would let them know the next morning. Early morning the drunkard and his wife again came to me with some tea. I told the drunkard that if he promised to stop drinking and beating his wife, I would stay at their village for 2 or 3 days and accept their ‘seva ’. He went in front of the temple deity and with folded hands and tears in his eyes, prayed and said something to the deity in the local language. I didn’t know the language but the expression on his face showed his remorse. He was asking the deity several times to pardon him for the previous day’s misbehaviour. He came back to me and again touching my feet promised that he would never again drink in future, and would take care of his wife and children. I was very happy to see the face of the villager’s wife, and said I would stay in the village for three days. Then that villager said to me, “Maharaj, you have pardoned my big mistake of doubting and shouting at you yesterday. I have a request. Triyuginarayan is far from here, at least 4–5 days journey. Please allow me to come with you up to Triyugi as a helper. By this seva of accompanying you I am sure I will be purified. Please, maharaj , please allow me to accompany you.” I felt his request was genuine. I told him that I was staying at the village for 2–3 days and when I was ready to leave, I would let him know my decision. They went back to the village happily, and I sat there peacefully on the verandah of the mandir.

Towards Triyugi—II

I

stayed in that village for two days and the stay there was most memorable. The villagers would assemble at the mandir in the evening and chant some bhajans sitting in front of me. They were happy that I was there. Both days the drunkard who had scolded me brought me food. The third day morning I was getting ready to leave the place. I had not told the villager whether I was allowing him to come up with me to Triyugi. But in the morning he was ready and came near me with the same request. As was the usual practice, he carried some rotis and chutney with him. It was always my preference to travel alone so I could chant my mantra at each and every step. If anybody was with me my concentration was disturbed. So I told him to walk at a little distance away as I was chanting my mantra . He was walking about fifty steps behind me. He had a shoulder bag and a long stick to help him for a speedy walk. By afternoon we reached a village. There was a stream coming down from the hills, the water very cold. I sat there for some time for my body to adjust to that temperature, and then slowly began my bath in that ice-cold water. The villager was sitting on the other side of the road. I also invited him to take a bath to freshen up. He did not take a bath. After my bath the villager took some rotis and chutney from his shoulder bag. He had also brought a few tree leaves on which he served the food. While eating, he told me that his wife was crying because I had left their village. We rested there for some time after our meal. In the meantime a small truck arrived there and stopped for water. The driver came near and asked me where I was headed. When he learned it was Triyugi, he invited me to ride in the vehicle so that there would be no need to walk. But I told him that I preferred to walk on these hills to enjoy the beauty and solitude. He

looked at me doubtfully and went away. After an hour we resumed our walk. Once or twice I told the villager to go back as if I wanted him to travel back. But his reply was “Maharaj , let me come with you at least up to Triyugi. I know I committed a great mistake; now I want to atone for my sins by serving you. By walking with you and serving food, I will definitely be cleared of my sins.” I kept silent and continued the journey. Before evening we reached a village which was very small compared to the previous one. By the roadside, there was a small temple of the village deity. The villager asked me to stay there as the sun was about to set. There was no verandah or any additional construction other than a small hut-type mandir. I sat in the courtyard of the temple under a small tree. The villager went to the nearby village telling me that he knew this place very well as his wife belonged to that village. I was wondering what was happening to me. By the grace of my Guruji somebody was always there to take care of me, for my food and shelter. I was sleepy due to the continuous journey and had a small nap under the tree. Now the night had covered the hills. I was sitting in darkness and the snow-clad mountains disappeared from my view. Only darkness was there. I woke up to a voice saying, “Maharaj .” I saw the villager with two– three persons standing near me, carrying a lantern. The villagers had brought some rice and dal and they served it. I told them it was not necessary for me to eat anything now, but since they had brought it, I was taking it. The villagers moved back to their village and my travel companion brought some firewood and there in the darkness made a fire. Now I could see the temple and the face of the villager sitting near me by the light. I was very quiet. The villager started to sing a Garhwali folk song. Even though the meaning was unknown to me, the ragam 24 and thalam 25 were very

moving and I merged with the nada (energy of music) and was in ananda (extreme happiness, one of the highest states of being). Suddenly a drizzle started which grew to heavy rain. The villager said that we should go to the village to avoid getting drenched. But I did not want to, and sat there. I was drenched, the fire was extinguished, and my kambal and clothes were now getting soaked. After about half an hour, when the rain stopped, I got up and began wringing out the water from the clothes. I was now only in loincloth, my clothes and kambal laid out near the temple to dry. The villager was also drenched, but hesitated to remove his clothes for drying, his theory being that they would easily dry on his body. Wearing a single loincloth I sat under the sky in that biting cold wind, shivering. The villager tried to relight the fire in vain. Sitting and leaning against the tree, I had another nap. I felt something moving on my body. I cried out to the villager who was still sitting near the temple, and he came running to see what had happened. He came near and lit the match box and to our wonder there was a big rat drenched in water, sitting on my body. I was afraid and the villager took a stick and drove it away. He said it might have come attracted by the smell of food. Even now I was shivering—was it from fear of the rat? Even though I knew there was nothing to be afraid of. In the morning, the sky was very clear. We were about to resume our journey. My clothes had not dried completely. The kambal was very wet, and because of the water, it had become heavier than usual. I noticed that the theory of the villager was correct—his clothes had dried on his body. I was struggling to carry the kambal because it was heavier. The villager took it from my hand and put it on his shoulder. We resumed the walk. After few miles, we reached another village where there was a small tea shop on the road side. The owner had just opened up the place and was getting ready to make the fire to boil water for

tea. We both sat near the fire and tried to dry my kambal. The shopkeeper continued to make tea. Within a few minutes we were able to dry the clothes and kambal , and by that time the shopkeeper brought us some tea in his dirty glassware. We had not asked for tea, yet he had made it and brought it to us. After tea, my villager companion gave some money to the tea shop owner. At first, he refused to take it, but when the villager kept pressing him, the tea shop owner told him, “Okay, I will take money only from you, not for the maharaj . It is my good fortune to be able to serve some tea for this maharaj on pilgrimage!” I was wondering about the innocent nature of the poor villagers in that hill. They are very pure in their mind. They were happy with the circumstances. They were good people. After tea and drying the clothes we resumed walking towards Triyugi.

Towards Triyugi—III

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e were both walking, the villager behind me. The curvy roads on that terrain were very beautiful, and small terraced fields, cut into steps were visible. We kept on walking. After a while I heard the sounds of a flute playing somewhere from the hills. I stopped and sat on the roadside, looking at the hills trying to find where the sound was originating from. The villager told me it was perhaps some boy who was grazing his sheep. I was listening and wondering at the music from the flute. The air would be full of the melody of the flute and then punctuated by total silence—it was some old Hindi film song. The sound of the flute along with the cool breeze created an enchanting atmosphere. This was the first time I had experienced hearing such a melodious note from a flute. The music stopped. I felt in my heart that it should continue for some more time. But there was silence. We resumed walking. I was hungry and there was no village in sight. It was about noon, and though the sun shone overhead, it did not feel hot as the wind from the snow clad hills was making us feel cold. The afternoon also passed, and we had nothing to eat. We sat on a rock near a jharna . I drank a stomach full of water. The villager told me that if we walked fast, we might be able to reach Triyugi before nightfall. Though my legs ached yet I was ready to move. By this time my kambal was almost dry. We walked a few more hours. At last at a distance, a village appeared in sight and I asked whether that was Triyugi. He told me that it was not and that we had to walk further for a few more hours to reach there. But for sure we would get something to eat at that village. We reached near the village. My villager companion went to the village in search of food while I sat on a stone on the roadside.

After some time he returned with some food, consisting of plenty of roti and vegetables made with corn. As I was quite hungry, I ate more than three rotis , and the villager too had his food. Now, with a full stomach, I felt sleepy. But the villager said that if we delayed further, we would reach Triyugi only at night, so it was better to start now. Reluctantly I started with him. The villager informed me that we had one more hill remaining to be climbed and then with one left turn we would be at Triyugi. We tried to walk fast as it was about sunset time. Finally we reached the Triyuginarayan temple which was located near a village. I sat on the verandah of the temple. The mandir was closed, as the pujari (priest) might have probably left after the evening arathi . I told the villager companion to leave me now, as I wanted to meditate on where to move next. I told him that somewhere near here was my Guruji’s gurubehen, and I wanted to locate her next morning. I would spend the night at that mandir . The villager however was not ready to leave. I told him bluntly not to disturb me anymore. I assured him that with his seva to me during the journey, his sins had already vanished. I insisted on him going to the village for the night, and then returning in the morning to his own village since his wife and children were awaiting him. With much reluctance, he agreed to go to the village, repeating his wish that I accompany him. I explained to him my resolution of never sleeping in a village during my pilgrimage. He bowed in prostration several times to me, and left unwillingly with tears in his eyes. But I had noticed the happiness on his face when I told him that his sins were washed out. His eyes kept looking to me again and again in gratitude. He then left me. As usual I was all alone there; it was almost dark around me. But even in spite of the darkness, a small pond-like space near the temple was visible

to my eyes. I went there and filled my kamandal with water. My birth mother used to tell me that wherever I am at night, I must keep a lamp and some water near me before sleeping. Here though I had no lamp, I did have water. I made a resolution to always keep at least one match box with me. The night was extremely cold. As I already had some food on the way I was not hungry but felt very tired and also felt an energy pulling towards some unknown place. I was unable to sleep the whole night. My feelings were attached to my Guruji and Ashamayee. The pull (attraction) was so intense that I got up and sat on the mandir verandah in the early morning. With the first rays of sunrise, I could see a hill near the temple. The village was below the mandir . I looked at the hills and felt the pulling sensation originating from the hills. I looked for few minutes at the hill and then heard the sound of my beloved Ashamayee, “Come this way, climb the hill and reach me.” I was in wonder at all that was happening to me. I washed my face and hands, and with ablutions done, started climbing the hill. Far up on the hill top, I could see a small cave and in front of that I could see Ashamayee standing. My body was thrilled and my eyes filled with tears.

With Ashamayee

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was climbing the hill laboriously, as it was a steep hill which was not so easy to climb. My legs and back ached. Almost half way up the climb, there was a stream coming down the hill. I sat near it for a few minutes and had some water. I saw that my beloved Ashamayee was looking at me. I wondered how Mayee stayed in those hills. Since nobody could easily access the cave, I was thinking about how Mayee got food there. With all these foolish thoughts I once again resumed the climb. Almost three hours had passed but I was still climbing. For a while I thought I would not be able to reach Mayee. I was sweating even in the cold weather. I heard the voice of my Mayee, “Climb son, nothing to worry. You are a young boy and why are you afraid? Climb and climb.” Life is also like this… to reach your goal you have to struggle. I thought it was the symbol of my life. So far I had struggled a lot, even during the beginning of the journey. The struggle was not less even in my poorvashram (time of life before taking up sanyasa ) days. I had struggled for my studies, for my day-to-day food, for my sadhana ; even now, after reaching the main steps of my life, as a sanyasi , the struggle had not left me. As I sat there leaning against a rock, hundreds of thoughts crowded my head. I was thinking about my life, all the way from my childhood down to that point. I felt very tired. I felt I would not be able to reach Ashamayee. My eyes were filled with tears. Then once again I heard the voice of inspiration and encouragement, “Eh! Fool, why do you feel so depressed? Only a few yards more. Climb my son, climb. Look at each step and come forward.” The words of Ashamayee were so inspiring. I began climbing again. After an hour-long climb, oh! Now I was close, the cave was now in clear view. Yes, only a few more yards left to climb, to reach the destination.

At last I reached the feet of beloved Ashamayee. She took my hands in hers, and embraced me for a while as if her long-lost son had returned. The warmth of her body sent an electric current into me. I noticed that she was not wearing any clothes. Mayee’s matted hair was covering her old body. In wonder, I drew back to look at her and her eyes shone so bright, it was difficult to meet them; it was like looking at a light bulb. Once again she embraced me and said, “Bete, mere pass tak pahunchne mein bahut kathinayee hua hai kya, phir bhi tum aaya. Bahut khushi huyee tum ko dekhkar .” (Son, though it was an extremely difficult journey to get to me, still you came. I am so very happy to see you.) She took me inside the cave. It was rather small. With difficulty perhaps three people could stay there. I observed that she possessed nothing except a few gunny clothes spread there for bed and in a corner there was a tin container and jala pathra . I was wondering what Mayee ate. I too was hungry as I had had no food except for some water from the stream. Mayee said, “I know you are hungry. Don’t worry. Behind the cave is a kund (water pond), go there and wash your feet and hands, you will feel relaxed.” I came out of the cave with great difficulty and went to the water pond. And to my wonder, it was a hot water spring. While washing up, I remembered Nityananda Bhagavan. Wherever he stayed he would create a hot water spring as in Ganeshpuri, in Maharashtra. Ashamayee came near me. It was about sunset hour. There was a small bundle in her hand. She tied it with a stick lying there and immersed it in the hot water. Oh! Endless wonder! Now the bundle had expanded. She opened it and handing it to me, asked me to put it in my kappar . It was ‘khichadi ’—she had placed rice and dal in a piece of cloth, tied it into a bundle and then immersed it in hot water for few minutes and lo, it was now ready to eat. As the water was salty (containing sulphur) adding salt was not necessary. Like she told me, I put the khichadi into my bhiksha pathra . She then took the pathra from me and sat close, and just as a mother feeds her child, she began hand feeding

me the khichadi. My eyes were full of tears. I felt that one embrace of Ashamayee relieved me from all the tiredness of the day. I felt very energetic. While feeding me she talked, “I know you have completed three purascharans. I am happy with that. I have already informed Tara about you coming to me here today.” (I was wondering how these two mothers communicated with each other without any telegram or telephone or post offices, and not even any human being near—another foolishness of this poor boy, who was unable to understand the systems of yogis . After a few years a Himalayan yogi taught me how to receive and send thought vibrations.) It took more than half an hour to complete the food. Just as a difficult child protests about eating, I too was telling Amma again and again that my stomach was full, and that I needed no more. But this was Ashamayee—she never cared about the protests. With all her love, she coaxed me again and again and made me eat the whole food. It was almost dark and a cold wind blew. I thought I was living on the very roof of the world. She asked me to follow her to the cave. After cleaning my bhiksha pathra (that also Mayee did not allow me to do, she did it herself) we both went to the cave. As mentioned earlier, there were a few gunny sacks spread out as asan on which Mayee used to sit or sleep. She said, “I know you are tired from the last few days’ journey to Triyugi, and also because of today’s climbing. That is why I do not go down from here. I am happy to be here alone. A few villagers bring me some rice and dal occasionally. And you know here on the top of this hill, one will not have much hunger or thirst.” Once again a stupid thought came to my mind. If Amma was not ever moving out of these hills, how had I seen her at Devaprayag and how had she fed me there? And before I had even finished thinking that thought, as if

she had read my mind, she said, “Arre, buddhu, you have to walk a long way to understand all this. Himalayan yogis have the capacity to reach anywhere and everywhere instantly. If you doubt me, you have to doubt your Tara Mayee too. Hasn’t she appeared to you at Uttarkashi and fed you with sambar and rice? Beta, the Himalayas are full of wonders. Do not doubt. Accept what you experience. After a few years of sadhana , you with be able to realize all this.” (Again my mind was in doubt about how Ashamayee could know that my Guruji came to Uttarkashi and fed me sambar and rice with her own hands.) And she continued, “Just now I told you not to doubt. But you still do. Tara Mayee and I always know where and how we are moving. We convey our feelings through thought waves which are easier than your telegraph and we don’t need instruments for this either. Now you are still young—when the time comes you will understand all this. See, you are tired due to the journey. It is night and it is very cold outside. Now you sleep.” She insisted that I sleep and she was also ready to lie down. She asked me to lie down near her. As a child sleeping near his mother, I slept near her and Amma’s hand on my body felt like a gentle soothing massage. The warmth of Amma’s body was enough to lull me to sleep, and on this cold night in the highest mountain range in the world, I slept without any kambal or chadar.

With Ashamayee—Experience of Pratyangira

I

woke up late. Ashamayee was nowhere to be seen. I went near the hot water spring and had a nice bath and came back to the cave. Ashamayee was now sitting there, thinking about something. She spoke to me at length on her life with Nityananda Bhagavan and also about Gyanganj. She said, “Gyanganj is the origin of our guru parampara . We belong to the siddha yoga parampara . The place is not easily accessible. Only if the maha guru ‘Maha Tapa’ wishes, will we be able to enter there. The area is covered with dense fog.” I informed her about my wish to go to Gyanganj. She said it was all right but I had to be careful traveling on the snow-clad peaks of the Tibetan Himalayas. I said I did not have any requisite documents such as passport or visa. Amma told me not to worry about it as none of the military and police would ever stop any Himalayan yogi there. Then she began talking about my sadhana. I told her that my sadhana in Srividya was at a standstill since I did not have knowledge of the ‘prayoga vidhi ’ of the three aspects of ‘Pratyangira sadhana’ . I only had the mantra with me. Amma said, “What do you know about the three aspects of srishti , stithi , and samhar .” Immediately her face changed. She stood and asked me loudly, “You want see what ‘Pratyangira ’ is? Look here!” She beat on her breast three times and shouted in a wild voice. Lo and behold! The form of Ashamayee was no more visible. I saw the first form of ‘Pratyangira ’ and was shivering with fear as she beat her breast and the second form of ‘Pratyangira’ appeared in her body, and then the third. Every time she was shouting like a wild beast. I was stunned and shocked. She fell down in the cave and I fearfully went near her and called out, “Maa , wake up.” It took more than half an hour for Ashamayee to come back to normal. She then went outside to wash her face and soon returned to her old self.

She sat near me and told me that if I got permission to enter Gyanganj, I must ask the ruling acharyas about the Pratyangira sadhana . Putting her hand into the tin container, she took out and handed me something. It was a ‘saligram ’-like object. Mayee said, ‘This is the ‘Beejam ’ of your life in spirituality. Keep this with you till the Srividya sadhana ends.” (After returning from Gyanganj, I passed on that saligram to one my best friends —the baba of Anandamayee Peeth and it is now in his pooja room in Indore, Madhya Pradesh.) Just as she had done the previous day, she packed some rice and dal in a cloth bundle and went outside. I was very curious to see the cooking system Mayee had. She put it in the water after tying it with a stick and cooked it by dipping it in the water for a few minutes. She put part of the boiled rice and dal in my kappar . While I ate, she also had the food. It was in the afternoon when I sat in front of the cave and looking around, taking in the beauty of the snow-clad Himalaya hills. Amma came near me and sat and told me again about ‘Gyanganj’. To find the place I had to go to north of Tibet. “On the way,” she said, “you can get the help of a few lamas who will take you near the destination.” But I was afraid of crossing the border and anyway how was it even possible without any valid papers. Amma told me not to worry about the journey. Nobody could disturb me on the way, since I would be having the ‘saligram ’ with me. She instructed me that I must visit Manasarovar and Kailash also. (But it did not happen that time as I had to return to India after my visit to Gyanganj. A few years later I had a chance to go to Kailash with a group of sanyasis .) I was sitting near Ashamayee, calm and composed for hours together. There was deep silence. It was close to sunset hour. Mayee went inside the cave and called me to come inside, as there was a wild wind starting to blow. I went inside and sat with several thoughts on the journey to Tibet.

Amma said, “You must start tomorrow morning. Move upwards from here towards the north. After a few days’ walk, you will reach the border. Just cross it. Nobody will see you. Better you set out early tomorrow morning. Do not worry about your food in that unknown terrain. Their language is different. Tara will take care of you.” When asked whether Amma had visited Gyanganj, she got angry with me. “Why do you ask such silly questions? Whether I went there or not, what difference does it make to you? Mind your business—you need not ask questions about my life!” I felt sorry about having questioned this loving Mayee and kept quiet. In a few minutes Amma ’s anger vanished and she sat near me, and placing and moving her hand on my head, told me, “You have a long journey from tomorrow onwards. Now you better sleep.” I was not interested in sleeping as I wanted to talk further with Mayee. When I told her that after my journey to Tibet, I wanted to come back to her, she told me, “No, not at all. This is our last physical meeting. Do not come back. Go on from there back to Haridwar and stay there a while. During that time, try to study Vedanta and continue your sadhana. No, do not return to me.” (After a few years, during my stay in the Anandamayee Ashram in Indore, I experienced a strong pull to move to the Himalayas, and with the financial help of my friend baba , I started for Uttarkashi. But at Uttarkashi, I learned about the Samadhi of my beloved Ashamayee and returned to Indore.) Again and again, she insisted that I sleep. I lay down near Mayee just like the previous day. Her hands were caressing my head affectionately. I slept with dreams of Tibet. Early morning, before the first rays of sun hit, Mayee woke me up and asked me to do my ablutions. After about an hour when the sun’s rays had touched the hills, she asked to move on to the north, leaving her behind.

There were tears in my eyes. I was unable to control my feelings and emotions. I touched Mayee’s feet with all sincerity and devotion as if they were my Guruji ’s feet. She lifted me up and embracing me said, “Beta, we will not meet again. I pray for success in your life of sadhana . Carry on and never look back. Keep moving towards the goal.” Once again she embraced me, and coming out of the cave, gestured in the direction that I had to travel. My legs would not move. I remembered having experienced the same feeling in Mookambika, when I had left my Guruji to leave for the Himalayas. Mayee repeated, “It is no use wasting time here. It is time to depart from me. Go son, move on towards the north. One day or the other you will definitely reach your goal with the blessings of our Guru Mandal .” I looked at her face for a few seconds and with tears rolling down my cheeks, started moving with shaking legs. With a mind full of thoughts and an unknown fear, I slowly started climbing a hill towards the north.

Towards Tibet

I

was climbing the hill. All around, everything was covered with snow. I did not know which way was east and which west. Still, I continued walking towards the direction that Ashamayee had indicated. Now it was almost noon. There was no village in sight. I was wondering where I was headed, what was next. I thanked God, when after traveling a few more hours I spotted a small village. I climbed down to the village, which appeared a small one of just 10–12 houses. An old man sitting on a small wooden bench welcomed me, “Aayiye maharaj. Is rastha me kahan se aana hua .” (Welcome maharaj , where are you coming from?) I told him that I was on the way to Tibet. He stood up and bowed in prostration to me, touching my feet and saying it was very rare that they got a chance to see any sadhu or sanyasi. He invited me to his home but as usual I was reluctant to enter any house. I saw colourful flags resembling those in Buddhist viharas (Buddhist monasteries), and the old man confirmed that it was indeed a Buddhist vihara . I was willing to take rest there for some time if they would allow me to. The old man accompanied me to the vihara and called out to them in the Bhotia language. One lama came out and asked me about my particulars. I told him of my plans to go to Tibet. In addition, if they permitted me, I would take rest there for some time. He happily agreed. By this time the old man had vanished and while I was sitting on the verandah of the Buddha vihara (I never used to enter inside any ashram or temple for my stay, as I had decided to stay only outside), he reappeared with a few rotis and potato curry for me. I was happy to receive the bhiksha , as I was hungry. I had nothing to eat or drink since the morning, not even water. This

is the special quality of the Himalayan hills—one will not get hungry or thirsty even if one hasn’t had any food for a day or two. The pure atmosphere and unpolluted oxygen of that area itself is enough for a man to survive. After my bhiksha, I decided to stay there for that night. It was still afternoon. Again the lama came out and invited me inside, as it was very cold outside. I told him I was happy where I was, on that verandah . He sat near me, and asked about my details. He told me this was the last village before Tibet. When I told I was moving towards north Tibet in search of Gyanganj, he said there would be no roads and that I must depend only on the small footpath on the hills. I was happy to hear from him that a few lamas of this vihara would be going towards Tibet in a day or two. I decided to meet them and informed the lama about my wish. He told me they would meet me after the evening prayers and then we could all sit and sort out the journey programme. In the evening I met the four lamas who were supposed to leave for Tibet after two days. They told me that they would accompany me up to one point, from where they would move off towards the Arunachal side while I would have to separate from them to go north. I agreed. I told them I was not carrying any valid documents for the journey except my Guruji’ s ashirvaad (blessings). They said not to worry, only a minimal check would be done on the border, and they never asked questions of lamas and yogis . (The sanyasis in that area are known as yogis .) So I decided to stay on the verandah of the vihara till the lamas were ready to leave. I slept on the verandah , the kamba l wrapped tightly wrapped all around my body; it was extremely cold as the area was in a high altitude. I dreamt that Ashamayee appeared in front of me and praised my decision to travel with the lamas . She said that I must go with them, and to eat whatever they offered me.

Next morning I walked around the village for some time. The Bhotia tribals were staying there and they were looking at me devoutly. One of them invited me to sit in front of his house. His wife brought out some black tea (without milk) and offered it to me and asked whether I would like to take some dry rotis. As I had an offer from the vihara to take food with them I declined. Some villagers assembled near me. Their language was very different from Hindi, and in my broken Hindi I conversed with them for some time. They all felt happy and one villager came forward and after doing namaskars , offered me a one rupee coin as dakshina . I never took any dakshina or kept money with me. When I told him that, he looked disappointed and kept the money back in his own pocket. In the afternoon, at the Buddha vihara verandah , I had some rice and dal . The rice had a payasam texture (like liquid), cooked with some leaves. This was the system of cooking rice in Tibet. Even though it was a pastelike thing, I ate the whole thing happily, which they had served me in my kappar . They were looking with curiosity at my kappar . Usually Buddha bhikshus (monks) carried a different type of bhiksha pathra . They asked me to show them my pathra after my meal. When I told them I had got it from the guru parampara , and that I was the ninth one who was using this pathra , they calculated that this pathra would then be more than 600 years old. I too agreed. I narrated to them about my journey and said, “I am on the way to my roots. In search of the roots I have to reach Gyanganj. From there my guru parampara originates.” They had never heard of Gyanganj but they were aware of a place called ‘Shangri-la’. They said that ‘Shangrila’ was a mystic place hidden in the Himalayas covered with snow and mist. I told them that the place I was in search of was also like that. Since we were supposed to head out the next day, they went inside the vihara to make arrangements. One of the lamas came back to me to ask about my belongings. I told them I had the clothes I was wearing, one kambal, the bhiksha pathra and a

jal pathra . He wondered how I would survive in that biting cold, since I didn’t even have shoes. I told them not to concern themselves and that I had the stamina to face any circumstance because of my Guruji’s ashirvaad. In the morning, five of us (four lamas and I) were ready to move. They were fully equipped to move in the snow-covered hills. They had pitthu (big bags on the back) and good shoes and their bodies were covered with fur pullovers. One old lama came out from the vihara and offered me a fur pullover, saying it would be useful for my journey, and requested me to wear it. He said that it had been given to him by a lama when he had once gone on a journey to Manasarovar, and these days he was not using it. I tried several times to convey that I did not need it as I was happy with what I had. But the other lamas also joined the old lama in telling me to use it for the Himalayan journey. Finally I had to accept it. Even though it smelled bad, I used it to cover my body to satisfy the lamas . The pullover went down to my knees. After all buttons were secured, not even a bit of air could penetrate. Now we were ready to move. The lamas did some chanting in their language. Perhaps they were praying for a safe and successful journey. I also prayed to my Guruji to take care of me and the lamas in such a long and arduous journey. We started moving towards the north. I mostly stayed quiet, not knowing the language of the lamas. One of them knew a little Hindi. Slowly and steadily we started moving. It felt as if the Himalayan hills were inviting me to climb over them. I felt happy and was chanting the ‘devi pranava’ in my mind as I walked.

The Journey Continues

T

his was the second day of our journey to Tibet. The previous night we had stayed inside a small cave covered with snow all around. The lamas had brought rotis and fried vegetables with them. They served it with a butterlike thing. The night was unbearably cold. However, the pullover given to me by that old lama helped me very much to escape the cold. There was no water in sight. The lamas had already done their ablutions. I was wondering how to attend to the call of nature without water. One lama taught me how to do it without water. I had to take a piece of snow and make it into a ball, and rub after nature’s call. This was the first time I had ever done such a thing. My mind was conditioned to washing up the body properly after completing nature’s call. Somehow, with a lot of hesitation I completed my morning karmas . The lamas were ready to move. They told me that they carried a small stove with kerosene and we would have some black tea later that morning. We again began the climbing of the hills up and down. Everywhere it appeared frozen, and no water within visibility. I had an idea to keep some snow in my kamandal —it might melt after sometime and then I could use it for drinking as well as for using after answering nature’s call. I tried and it was successful. But it was difficult to also carry water during journey. However, there was no way out. After walking for a few hours, we reached near the border. They told me the border was visible but even then, it would still take more than a day to reach there. We all sat on a terrain where there was no snow. One of the lamas started preparing tea. During tea they were talking a lot in their own language, we continued walking after taking tea. There was no food or water for us during the day-long walk. Even by sunset we had not reached

the border, so we decided to stay somewhere for the night but could not find a place or a cave or a vihara there. After walking a while we saw an open place without snow cover where a small stream was flowing. If one sat for half an hour, he might collect a litre of water, as the stream was very small. It was coming from snow-melt on top of the hill. We had no tent or anything to accommodate ourselves in. As there was no other alternative, we had to prepare ourselves to stay in that open place in the biting cold. Those lamas were habituated to such situations but I was new and was suffering due to cold and unable to open my eyes. The darkness descended slowly. The lamas were ready to sleep. They had sleeping bags made of leather. Poor me, I was looking at them and thinking about the facilities they had brought. I thought the rotis that the lamas had brought might be finished. I felt little hungry also, but I was feeling bad to ask them for the rotis . They slept in their sleeping bags. I was sitting near them looking into the darkness and wondering what else we would have to face. On such a beautiful hill, with the natural wind and song of silence, I felt as though in hell, as I was finding it difficult to save myself from the biting cold. It started drizzling. It was not rain, but light snowfall. The lamas slept happily in their bags. I was sitting near, wearing the fur pullover. I covered my head with the kambal to protect myself from the snow. The snowfall started getting heavier. I was afraid I might be buried under the snow that day, but thank god, to my relief the snowfall stopped. Snow and rain are unpredictable in those hills. Sitting there, I was looking below and, to my wonder I saw a small lamp on the other hills. I told myself that it might be the border check post. Now that the snowfall had stopped, I too tried to lie down there. There was nothing to spread. The kambal was very wet so I removed it and kept it aside, and tried to sleep.

We woke up in the morning to the welcoming sun rays. We got ready immediately and started moving ahead. By noon we had reached the border check-post. We crossed easily, and the duty staff never bothered to ask us where we were going. We moved with speed towards the north. Since the previous day, there had been no food. We were moving continuously. By afternoon, we spotted a lot of flags flying and Tibet became visible. Now we were in Tibet. In history class, I had studied that this land was part of India until 1962. After the war we had lost it. We all reached under the flags. The lamas entered into a tin shed-like house. It was a small Buddha vihara . There were four lamas there. They welcomed us and spoke in their own language. One of the lamas knew their language, as he used to travel a lot in those hills. When he told them that we were heading towards north, the lamas were happy. We all sat in a small room inside the hut made of tin. One of them offered us tea, and asked us to rest for some time. By that time the prayers would be over, and they would prepare and serve us some food. I was glad to hear about food as I had been hungry since the previous night. We all had some paste-like rice and dal prepared with a lot of chillies. I quite enjoyed the food and maybe it was because of the hot chillies, I forgot about the cold. The lamas of that vihara told us not to leave now as the sun was about to set, and we were all tired. While they all sat and discussed something, I slipped into a deep sleep. I woke up in the night, wanting to urinate. When I went I discovered there had been heavy snowfall. The lamas had been right in telling us not to leave at that time. When I came back to the room, the four lamas were still sleeping. I also lay down, but could not fall back asleep, full of thoughts about what was in store for me next!

Towards Northern Tibet

I

had never thought the journey to Tibet would be this painful. Every moment I was struggling to save myself from the ferocious cold wind, and we walked continuously for seven days. Evenings we would reach some village or gompa 26 or Buddha vihara . Due to the help of the lamas , I was allowed to stay there and some food was also served by the villagers or vihara lamas . Even though it was a struggle, I was happy to be present in the land of Gurus . It was the seventh day of our journey. My feet were swollen and torn, because of snow bite and with great difficulty I was walking with the lamas. They walked at speed, as they were accustomed to the Himalayas. Moreover they were wearing shoes which also helped them walk faster. After noon we came to a junction of footpaths at the top of a hill. They told me that from then onwards, I had to walk alone, since they were traveling towards Arunachal. After a few minutes they left me and moved on. But before going they showed me the way towards the north and assured me that I would definitely reach my goal soon—within a day or two. I started walking. There was some anxiety since I did not know the language of the land. If somebody spoke to me, how would I reply! I tried to walk a little faster, thinking that I should reach some village or Buddha vihara before sunset. It was almost dark when I reached a village. It was a very small one, of 8 or 10 houses. I saw an old lady sitting and sewing some cloth, with a needle and thread. I went near her but perhaps seeing a stranger, she went inside the house. All the houses there were very small in size. One young man came out of his house and asked me something. As I did not know the language I tried to show with gestures that I wanted to go to north.

He pointed me to a small gompa near the village and asked me to go there. Maybe he took me to be a pilgrim. I moved towards the gompa , which was also small in size. I saw a middle-aged lama sitting there turning his japa chakra (prayer wheel) and went near him. Looking at me, he also said something in the local language. I told him in English that I was coming from Hindustan in search of Gyanganj. He went inside the vihara without saying anything. Another young lama appeared in front of me. Thank God, he knew a little bit of English. While talking to him, I told him of my plan to go to the north in search of my roots in Gyanganj. He had also never heard of Gyanganj, though of course he had heard about Shangrila. He happily welcomed me into the vihara and asked whether I would like to take some tea. I accepted gladly since I had not taken any tea or had anything to eat since morning. After some time he brought tea and started talking to me in his broken English about his journey to Gaya, Varanasi and other places in India. He was very helpful and asked me to rest there for a few days before resuming my journey. When he saw my frostbitten and torn legs, he brought some hot water with salt and started washing my legs with all love and affection. I saw ‘karuna bhava ’ (compassion) in his eyes. Even though I tried telling him that I could wash my legs myself, he did not allow me to do so. The other lama also joined us, and the young lama told him about my journey to north. It was almost night time. The prayers were over. There was one more lama staying in that vihara . He was unable to move as it seemed his legs were paralysed. He was lying on a wooden cot and moving his japa chakra . After prayers, we three sat for our food. The young lama first fed the paralysed lama for few minutes. Even though I was hungry, I was unable to eat the rice as it was cooked in a different way. The rice was cooked with some leaves and was salty. There was no dal or anything to accompany the rice yet they were eating it as if it were a delicious food. One could describe it as a different form of north Indian ‘khichadi ’. Only instead of dal the lamas had put some leaves and salt in it.

I was not supposed to throw away the food served in my bhiksha pathra . Therefore, with difficulty, drinking water again and again, I finished the food. It was a rare experience for me. The three of us slept in one room. I could easily hear the sound of the wind outside. Due to exhaustion I fell asleep soon. I woke up a little late. By that time, the morning session of their prayer was over. The young lama brought some black tea and told me that after tea I could do my ablutions. Just near the vihara , there was a small hot spring. It was a wonder of nature that in this snow-clad region, on the top of the hill, there was a hot water spring! The water was very hot and I dipped the kamandal in the hot spring. After leaving Triyugi, this was the first time I had a good bath, but of course without soap. I repeatedly poured hot water on my body. The young lama came there and wondered that this bath would make me catch a cold and get fever. I was enjoying the hot water bath. I rubbed my body with the chadar, bathing to my heart’s content, and then put the chadar and cloth in the sun to dry. Now as I was having no other cloth to wear, I was wearing my kambal. By this time the young lama who had seen my situation of wearing the kambal , brought a piece of maroon cloth for my use. I did not accept it saying my cloth would soon be dry and I would use the same. I told him I wanted to move to north that day itself. But he insisted that I must rest for a couple of days before leaving. With the affectionate words of the lama I agreed to stay there one more day. How strange! This lama was no one to me. But he was behaving as if he had known me for many years. This I attribute to the kripa of my guru , that wherever I went, I would get a warm welcome and the people I met loved me for no reason! I went to the vihara and sat for a few minutes, lost in thought. The lamas thought I was meditating. No, I was thinking about the future journey. I was all alone and didn’t know how many more days I had to

wander this way. The young lama came to me and asked me to join them for food. The previous day’s experience of food was still fresh in my mind, and the hot water bath had invigorated me. And I felt a little hungry also. I was unable to refuse as he kept calling me again and again that it was time for food. We all sat down to eat. They have some ritual similar to our naivedyam before they commenced eating. I prayed to my Guruji with folded hands and thanked her for giving me timely food. In this meal, it was not the same rice. It tasted like ‘bajra roti’ but I wasn’t sure, it may have been corn too. There was some chutney made of garlic and chillies. I enjoyed the food immensely and thanked them several times for accommodating and feeding me. It was almost noon and I retired to the room for a nap. The hot water bath, the food and the environment had made me sleepy. I went to collect my dried cloth and chadar which I had spread on the back of the vihara . But alas! My cloth was missing. I searched for it everywhere. The young lama came again and saw what was happening. He told me that the strong wind may have blown away the cloth to the neighbouring hills. Was this a curse of Vayu Bhagavan (wind god)? He had taken away the only piece of cloth I owned. The lama was laughing at me. He was telling me “I had offered you a cloth to change into. You did not accept it. Perhaps due to anger at this, the wind has taken away your cloth.” I apologized to him for disturbing his sentiments, and accepted the maroon cloth (Buddhist monks wear this colour). He was happy that I had accepted the cloth. I returned to the room. There were dark clouds looming and it was about to rain it seemed. I returned to the room and spread my kambal on the floor and lay down with the chadar on my body (it was yet to dry) and slept.

The Lost Paradise: Where is Gyanganj?

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stayed for one more day at the vihara and then resumed my journey towards north. I was walking alone without knowing how to reach the destination. I walked till afternoon and there was not even a single village or vihara in sight. All of a sudden, it started to rain. Since there was snow all around, and raining, I slipped and fell down when I tried to walk. I thought these would be my last moments. But it was not to be. The rain soon stopped and I saw some hills ahead covered in mist. Even though my legs were aching, I kept walking. Soon I could see a village and nearby, a big Buddha vihara . Slowly I reached there. The sun was about to set and the distant hills were slowly enveloped in darkness. One of the lamas at the vihara was fluent in Hindi. I spoke with him about the journey towards Gyanganj. He told me that the Himalayan hills were full of mysteries. He also told me about the mist-covered hills which were not accessible to anybody. I rested at the vihara. They were very generous and fed me with some rotis and vegetables. I was on the verandah of the vihara , the wild wind making me shiver. It was so cold, that my leg and back pain increased manifold. The lama who had spoken in Hindi asked what the problem was and when I informed him that I had slipped down from the hills and that my whole body was aching, he brought some balm to apply on my legs. He would not allow me to apply it myself and he himself applied it wherever I had pain. Perhaps because of the exhaustion or the affectionate massage of the lama , I could sleep for some time. When I woke up it was still dark. All the lamas were sleeping and there was no light in that vihara . Seeing the darkness, I lay down again.

The next day when I was ready to move towards the mist covered hill, the lama cautioned me that I was playing with my life. It was dangerous to climb those hills. I told him even death was okay—I had to search for my roots and find my Gurusthan (place of the Guru ). I started walking and the lama was staring spellbound. I reached the valley of the hills by noon. There was no food or water with me. I sat there for a few minutes and tried to climb again. However, something was stopping me from climbing the hills. A cold wind was blowing and I shivered. I tried walking forward several times but could not take even a single step as if some invisible power was stopping me. I sat on a rock and prayed to my Guruji and Ashamayee to show me the path. My calls remained unanswered. I felt angry with myself. After such a long and tedious journey towards this place, now at the last moment, why was I afraid to climb? I do not even know that there was a place called Gyanganj. The mists grew thicker. I sat there and wept. Who was stopping me and why? I had no answer to this question. After a while the density of the mist reduced, and I could easily spot the top of the hill. Once again I tried to walk ahead, but my legs would not cooperate, as if they had been chained. I could not move an inch. There was nothing to do but to cry in frustration. I cried for nothing—nobody was there to hear me in those lonely hills. But lo, after a few minutes I saw somebody from afar walking towards me. I sat quietly. He was an Indian sanyasi . He was wearing kashaya clothes and had a long stick in his hands. He came near and spoke something in the local language. I told him in Hindi that I was in search of Gyanganj and I did not know how to reach there. The swami also talked to me in Hindi—“What are you talking about? There is no place called Gyanganj. It is just a myth, even a philosophical term. I have been living here for long, and I never heard of it.” When I

asked him about the mist covered hills, he replied hesitatingly, “Maharaj , don’t think about going to that place. It is not accessible to anybody. Don’t go there.” I asked, “What is up there on that hill?” He was silent and then got ready to leave saying, “Don’t try to be here for long. Move out. Go back. Go back.” I was wondering what was happening there! After such an arduous journey for more than ten days, when I was about to reach my destination, this Swamiji was saying that it was dangerous to be in that area. What was the last danger for me? Finally I would die here, that is all. I was ready to, if only once I could see and experience Gyanganj. That Swamiji then sat there. The night was about to fall. Leaning on a rock I simply sat there. I could not sleep. Even though I was tired I simply sat on the ground covering my body with the kambal. The next morning I again tried to climb the mist-covered hills. And just as the previous day, that day too I was unable to move. I was getting mad, and cursing myself, sat down. I did not know where to go and how. The topography of that area was unknown to me. Another thought also came upon me—why should I go anywhere, I shall be here and die with no food or water. But I was also sure that one day or the other I would be able to climb the hills covered with mist! But nothing happened. Three days passed without food or sleep. I was tired and slept on the ground. In a dream I saw Ashamayee telling me to leave that area and return to Haridwar. I woke up to see nothing except darkness. I simply lay there with the thought that I would not go anywhere. In the morning I was exhausted. I was depressed and started walking here and there aimlessly—sometimes towards one direction and sometimes towards another. I was almost mad. The paradise was lost for me. Was Gyanganj a myth? Or did I lack the pathrata (eligibility) to enter there? I had once heard from Ashamayee that entry into Gyanganj was only possible

if the Mahatapa guru wished so. How could I make him wish that I be allowed entry there? I felt as the whole journey and life itself had become useless. I was moving here and there aimlessly. Far from the hills I saw a village and a big Buddhist gompa. After a few hours of walking I reached the village. Near the gompa , as if he was waiting for my arrival, an old lama came near, welcoming me and asking about my whereabouts. I told him of my pathetic condition and of searching for Gyanganj. The lama offered me some black tea and told me in broken English. “Gyanganj is there. It surely exists. One lady called Alexandra David Neel has written about it. Gyanganj is like a university. All spiritual practices under the sun are taught there. The problem is not with Gyanganj—it is with us, even a small impurity will not allow us to enter there.” He was happy that I had at least seen the mist-covered hills. Nobody in that area was aware where Gyanganj was exactly. The only thing visible was the mist covering the hills all around. But he told me not to give up my intention to visit Gyanganj, but before the next attempt, I should make myself purer. He also added, “It is better to obey your Guruji’s orders to go back to Haridwar.” This lama had travelled extensively all over India. Every year he used to go to Varanasi and Gaya. He was planning to go again the following week. As he was having some stomach pain he had postponed his journey. He said he used to travel alone on these hills as well as in India. I did not know what to do. I sat in the courtyard of the gompa while the lamas were preparing food. The lama came and offered me some food in the courtyard itself. They did not allow me to sit with them for food. It may have been because of my dirty appearance, my clothes and depressed expression. The lamas may have thought that I was mad.

My mind was wavering. One the one hand I wanted to go back to the hills. But on the other were the orders of Ashamayee. I know I had failed to reach my destination after such a gruelling journey. The lama came near me again and told me to stay back there until next week, and if I wished I could join him on the journey up to Varanasi. I was thinking about what to do. I didn’t know how to come out of these snowclad hills, and I was tired and depressed. I said nothing to him, and leaving everything to my Guruji ’s hand, I stayed there.

Towards Haridwar

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was in a great dilemma. I was unaware of my mind-set, as it was wavering constantly. I woke up next morning ready to take a decision. In any case the lama would be leaving after one week. Better to stay there and in the meantime, ask other lamas about Gyanganj, or perhaps even some old villager might give me some information. So I decided to stay at the vihara . In the morning after my ablutions, I wanted to take a bath. The lama informed me that if I walked some distance down the hills, there would be a small hot water spring where the villagers bathed. After a nice bath, like the other day at the Buddha vihara , I was very cautious about my clothes. I placed a stone on the cloth so this time the wind could not blow it away. As usual I wore my kambal till the cloth dried. The lama came up to me and informed me that it was mealtime. I went with him and had my food in my kappar . This time to my surprise, the lamas allowed me to sit with them and eat. I was given a room beside the kitchen. I went back to collect my clothes and then back to the room. I wondered what I would do till the lama was ready to leave for Kashi. I just went around the village to see and understand the life of Tibetans in that village. I observed that the villagers were very poor. Their clothes were torn and they looked as if they had not had food in a long time. I went near a villager who was sitting on the verandah of a house and asked him something in Hindi. This man did not know Hindi, but his son who came out, did, and spoke to me in broken Hindi for some time. He had visited India once or twice and worked in a Buddha vihara in Varanasi as a servant. That was why he was able to understand, though it was broken Hindi. I asked him to enquire about ‘Gyanganj’ from his father

(what a fool I was!). The young man asked his father something and the answer was negative. The temptation to go back to the mist-covered hills (assuming that was where Gyanganj was) arose again in my mind. I brought this up with the lama , but he was unwilling to accept my proposal and said that I wouldn’t have to wait for too many days, as he would start on his journey to Hindustan as soon as he recovered from the stomach ache. I stayed at the vihara for three more days. While there, I attended the prayer sessions. This was when I first learned the meaning of the Buddhist mantra ‘om mani padame hum’ . This mantra has some tantric significance. It is related to yoga as well. The lama explained the meaning and use of chanting the mantra . After five days of stay there, I felt that I was now fine to travel. The body pain and fatigue had vanished and we planned on leaving the next day. The lama told me it would take a minimum of five to six days to reach the Indian border, and from there we would catch the bus to reach Varanasi. I told him that I had no money with me and had no idea how I would reach Haridwar. He told me not to worry, as he had some Indian currency which he brought over from his last journey. We started the journey towards India. I felt miserable though, like a student who had failed an examination, in spite of having studied and written it well. For a few days, we walked incessantly, staying at gompas, viharas or any villages along the way when necessary. Since my companion, the lama , was very helpful, I found no difficulty during the day-to-day travel, and moreover the confidence in my Guruji’s ashirvaad (blessings) gave me courage to move ahead fast.

On the fifth day we crossed the Indian border at Arunachal. The lama took me in a bus going from Arunachal to Guwahati, and we travelled from there to Varanasi by train. He paid for all the expenses, including railway and bus tickets and for food purchased in the wayside hotels or in the train. I was desirous of visiting Kamakhya while we were in Guwahati. (My poorvashram brothers were working at Maligon Railway Headquarters. Both brothers were employed in good positions in the railways.) As I felt reluctant to meet them in Maligon, I did not venture out to go there, even though it wasn’t too far from where we were staying in Guwahati. The lama told me that since it was night already and that we had to start for Varanasi by train next morning, it was not possible for us to go to Kamakhya this time. When we started next day from Guwahati for Varanasi, my mind was full of negativity about my life as my mission had failed. We both sat in the general compartment which was crowded. Though we got seats to sit down, the situation in the general compartment was like hell. We reached Varanasi at night the next day. I thanked and bid farewell to the lama , as he was busy preparing to go to Sarnath which is a famous Buddha vihara . This was my first time at Varanasi and I did not know anybody there. I went to the ghats of the Ganga and sat there the whole night. I was hungry. In the morning after bathing in the Ganga , I went for darshan to the Vishwanath temple. I prostrated at the Annapoorna mandir and received a ticket from the poojari for my bhiksha there. I accepted it happily and waited for food for some time. In that Annakshetra I did not use my kappar as it was not allowed there. After food, I went to the railway station in search of the train to Haridwar.

At Haridwar

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here was a passenger train to Haridwar from Varanasi that night. For hours together, I waited on the platform. When the train was ready, I boarded it; this was the second time I was traveling without a ticket. Since there weren’t many travellers, I got a bench to sleep on. In the morning when the train halted at Lashkar railway station, a ticket collector entered the compartment. I was afraid. Before he could come to me I went up to him and speaking in English, said, “Sir, I do not have a ticket, and am coming from Varanasi. I have to go to Haridwar.” This probably impressed the ticket collector for he told me to go back to the bench to sit, then came near and asked me about my details. When I told him I was returning from a Tibet pilgrimage and that too without money, he was amazed. The train started to move and a tea vendor appeared. The ticket collector asked him to serve me with a cup of tea. This was another surprise to me. I was thinking to myself about how my Guruji was present in every form. Now here she was, in the form of the ticket collector. Through the entire journey from Mookambika to Haridwar, she had taken care of me in various forms. This was my first ‘Advaita Bodham ’. 27 I had visited Rishikesh previously but this was my first trip to Haridwar. I recalled Vasudev Baba with whom I had a fight before I had gone to Rishikesh. I went towards the Ganga ghats. Since I did not know the way, I asked people along the way for directions. I reached ‘Har-kipauri’ and had a bath and waited there on the ghat till my cloth dried. I noticed that a baba had been staring at me for a long time. He came near and enquired, “Haridwar me pahali bar aaya hai kya ?” (Are you visiting Haridwar for the first time?). I affirmed and then he added, “Where are you planning to stay? If you go to the Sapta Sarovar, there are a lot of ashrams

there. You will definitely find a spot in any of the ashrams .” I didn’t know about the ‘Sapta Sarovar’ and how to get there. The baba said, “You sit here, and I will be back soon after purchasing some medicines. I am also going to Sapta Sarovar. I will take you there.” After walking a few miles, we reached ‘Sapta Sarovar’. This is the place where the Saptarishis had done tapas. The Ganga splits into seven dharas (distributaries) here. The history of the place was narrated to me by the baba . He said, “You go to Rishi ashram. There you can meet one Swami Shivananda, who is very helpful. He is also a dakshini , and since you are a dakshini yourself, he will definitely help you.” He pointed to the gate of Rishi ashram . I saw a sadhu drying clothes in front of his room. Rishi ashram was one the bigger ashrams there and with its three-storied building and a small dispensary, it had an elegant look. I wondered how I could stay in an ashram even after my Guruji had told me not to depend on any ashrams . But this was not a conventional ashram . Datta Mallji and his sons from Delhi were running this ashram only for the purpose of sadhu seva . I saw a sadhu drying clothes in front of his room and asked the swamiji where I could meet Swami Shivananda. He showed me a room and I went up to the door and said, “Om Namo Narayana .” Even though Shivanandaji was busy doing japa , he came out immediately. I spoke with him in Malayalam about my journey and requested him to help me to get some accommodation. He told me that the ashram was for virakt sanyasis , and if I was not accepting any dakshina or any other type of parigrahams (possessions) he would talk to Datta Mallji about allotting me a room at that Ashram. Then I told Swamiji about my Guruji’ s orders on not depending on any ashram , and that I was fine with staying at the Ganga ghats . He disagreed, and said, “This ashram is not a conventional one. It is meant exclusively for sadhu seva . The Punjabi family owning it is doing seva only for seva’s sake. They do not have any sankalpas in their seva .” He then took me to meet Datta

Mallji, and told him about me wanting to stay here and sought his permission. Dutta Mallji was glad to grant it, and asked his son Tara Singh to open up a room for me on the first floor. This room was near Shivanandaji’s room. I entered the room and kept my belongings there. When Shivanandaji saw that I had no extra clothes and just one kambal, kappar and kamandal , he was pleased and remarked, “You definitely look like a virakta . In this attire, you did pilgrimage to Tibet? That is a wonder, unbelievable!” Shivanandaji went to his room and brought me a new set of kashaya vastra and told me, “Your cloth looks like that of a Buddhist. Use these clothes. This is new. Have a bath in the Ganga , and throw away the Buddhist cloth.” My loincloth was torn too. I think Shivanandaji noticed it while I was removing my cloth. He returned to his room and brought another piece of cloth and tore it in four pieces, which I could now use as two sets of loincloths. I wondered at his way of doing things and his affection towards me. I returned from the Ganga after a bath and changed clothes. Even though I wanted to keep the Buddhist cloth as a memory of my Tibet pilgrimage, I don’t know why but hearing the words of Swami Shivanandaji, I threw away that cloth into the Ganga. When I returned to the room, I was surprised to find Shivanandaji waiting for me with a few rotis and vegetable . He sat near me and asked about my Guruji and the sampradaya name (traditional religious title) of my sanyasa . While I ate, he told me that the next day onwards I could join him in going for the bhiksha in virakta mandala . In Sapta Sarovar there were more than 18 annakshetras. Daily the mandali (group of sanyasis ) went together to take bhiksha . Whether we ate or not, we had to attend all the kshetras . Different food was being served in different annakshetras . One would give out roti, the other dal , the other vegetable, the other rice, etc. The virakta mandali had its own

rules and regulations. We had to stand and eat what we accepted as bhiksha . Then wash our hands and go to the next kshetr a. This is known as ‘swan bhiksha ’ (meaning just as a dog wanders here and there and eats whatever he gets at the doorstep). This system of bhiksha is inevitable to wipe out the ego of the sadhus . I felt very happy to be with Shivanandaji and he introduced me to some other sadhus staying in the nearby rooms. In the evening I did not go for bhiksha as I had taken food late in the afternoon. Every evening the virakta mandali sadhus would assemble at Virakta cottage near Rishi ashram for evening meals at 5 pm and afterwards most of them would walk on the Ganga bund till sunset. This was a new lease of life for me; I had never stayed with such a big group of sanyasis before. Since I was using a kappar , everybody viewed me differently. I used to wear only one cloth and hold the kappar in my hand while walking with the mandali. Shivanandaji was very pure and generous but often got angry, speaking roughly some times. He never compromised in the matter of shastras (scriptures) and used to be very tough. Even though not highly educated, he was famous among the sadhus for his virakti and tapas . He did japa always, sleeping very little at night. So, in a happy mood and praying to my Guruji again and again, I began my stay at Rishi ashram.

Haridwar Life Continues

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ife at Haridwar was so monotonous. I felt bored, every day was the same— bathing and then going for bhiksha together, then back to room, sleeping, the same again at night, then repeating the same next day. The repetition of the same routine was very boring. One day I decided to start a ‘purashcharan’ of Srividya japa and informed Shivanandaji about this. He was very happy to hear this. Mornings I would go for bhiksha , and the rest of the time I would do my japa. The next morning I went to the Ganga and scooping water in my cupped hands, took a sankalpa (vow) to start and complete japa purascharan in 90 days. This would be my fifth purascharan of Srividya . I was satisfied at having engaged myself in the japa and stopping the interaction with others and walking about here and there. In the mornings I would go with the mandali for bhiksha and after returning resume my japa . In the meantime, Shivanandaji introduced me to a famous scholar who was staying at that ashram. His name was Gopal Muni of Udasi Sampradaya . Gopal Muni told me that as I now had more free time after the daily japa , I must concentrate on the studies of Vedanta and that he would be happy to teach me the Prashtana Trayee (i.e., Gita , Upanishads and Brahma Sutra ). I agreed and the classes on each of the Upanishad s started, and even though I was not much interested in studies, I tried my best. So the days went by smooth and peaceful. But somehow I was unhappy with the stay at Rishi Ashram . Almost three months had now passed by. I was keen on moving elsewhere. The japa was about to conclude. One day I told Shivanandaji that my japa would be over within a week and that I would like to leave Rishi Ashram, as I did not like the crowd at the ashram as well as the surroundings.

Shivanandaji first differed on the matter but finally agreed to do something about it. The day after the completion of my japa , Shivanandaji asked me if I was willing to move with the Gangadev mandali. This mandali had originated in the state of Punjab, and been founded by Swami Gangadev and Gyan Dev Maharaj. Shivanandaji said he had been part of that mandali for a few years and after the sad demise of Gangadev Maharaj, he had left it to stay at the Rishi Ashram. The mandali had split into two after the demise of Gangadevji. He said that if I were willing to join the mandali, he would too, and then we could travel with the mandali together. In those days the mandali was staying near Dehradun. After two days, one or two sadhus came to Rishi Ashram from the mandali . Shivanandaji discussed the plans of the mandali with them and asked them where their next destination was going to be. Shivanandaji and I joined the sadhus and travelled towards Dehradun. Since both Shivanandaji and I never carried money with us, one of the sadhus who had come bought us the bus ticket to Dehradun. Shivanandaji was known to all the mandali members. He told them about my Tibet pilgrimage and the stay at Rishi Ashram. The head of the mandali was from Kashmir. He spoke to me kindly, describing the rules and regulations of stay at the Virakt mandali . As viraktas , none of us were supposed to accept any dakshina . Only just the basic clothes, bed and bhiksha were to be accepted. The mandali stayed at Dehradun for a few days. In those days I only had a set cloth for my body and a kambal for my bed as well as for sleeping, other than my kappar and kamandal . The stay at the mandali was good. All the sadhus , numbering around twenty, were very co-operative and generous. After a few days’ stay at Dehradun the

mandali left for Vikasnagar on the banks of the Yamuna River near Dehradun. One old sadhu used to stare at me for a long time every day. One day I asked him what the matter was. He said that he was from the Jammu region and had a cottage near the village. He was retired from the military and had been living in that cottage since long and of course was not a sanyasi , but a vanaprasthi (forest-dwelling ascetic). He said that if I wished to go to Vaishno Devi for darshan , he could easily take me there on his next visit to his village. We came to Vikasnagar by foot. One of the devotees of the mandali ’s chief, arranged for our stay at his mango garden. The place was full of greenery, on the bank of the Yamuna River. The devotee had constructed a few huts of grass and paddy leftovers, and they accommodated us there. The food was cooked there itself by the group of devotees and served to us both times. Every evening we would all chant the Shiva Mahimna stotram after the arathi in front of the portable mandir which the mandali carried wherever it went. A very beautiful Shivalingam was in that mandir . I felt free to do my sadhana in the small hut made of grass and paddy leftovers. We stayed at Vikasnagar for more than three months.

Life in the Mandali

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ife in the mandali was very smooth. We used to bathe daily in the Yamuna River, and the routine sadhana was going well. But I was not satisfied with the sadhana as I used to still be left with a lot of free time. I thought it was time to begin my sixth purascharan in Srividya . But first I needed to know for how many more days the mandali would stay there. I was informed it would be for more than four months and they would move only after the end of ‘chaturmas’ . It was good and encouraging information for me. Shivanandaji told me that two days later was Ashtami day and that I could start my purascharan . Early on ashtami morning I went to the Yamuna River and after bathing there, I took the sankalpa for Srividya shodashi purascharan for 90 days. On these purascharan days I used to consume only milk and fruit. Even though I was never in the habit of taking milk regularly (as I had never liked milk since childhood), during purascharans I would take a glass of milk in the morning and evening each day and few of whatever fruits were available that day. There was a devotee there, one Attar Chand, a very pious person. He was a wholesale merchant dealing in wheat, rice and dal. He would come to all of us usually asking whether we needed anything. And to my wonder he would cook for the sadhus , leaving his brother to take care of his business. The japa purascharan days went very well. I was very happy to get a chance to do my japa sadhana on the banks of the Yamuna. One day the Swamiji from Jammu came to me to say that he would be going to his village after chaturmas . He added, “Please come with me. You will like my village. You can stay in my cottage and let us go for the

Vaishno Devi darshan once. As you are a bhakta of Mata you must visit Vaishno devi.” I had also heard about the Vaishno Devi Mandir earlier and wanted to go there for darshan. When I said that I would accompany him after completion of my japa sadhana , my words made that old Swamiji very happy. I completed my purascharan in time, in 90 days. After concluding the japa , Attar Chand arranged for a homa and a special feeding for the sadhus . (Being a sanyasi I was not supposed to perform homa but with the help of two brahmacharis at the mandali, I did the homa on the banks of the Yamuna.) Somehow my mind was reluctant to go to Jammu to the village of that old Swamiji . But he kept insisting again and again that I must accompany him, and one day with the permission of Shivanandaji and the head of the mandali , I started for his village along with him. In those days there used to be a daily train between Dehradun and Jammu. The old Swamiji paid for the ticket and both of us sat in the train bound for Jammu. He said that we had to alight at Pathankot and then catch a bus to his village. We tried to get some sleep in the train, though of course we had to do it sitting. We had brought with us some rotis and fried vegetable from the mandali which we ate late at night. In the morning we reached Pathankot, and went to the bus stand to catch a bus to his village called Keerian Gandyal. All the villagers had come there in 1947–1948 during partition. More than 200 Kashmiri Brahmin families had settled there. Even after the second generation, the village was yet to have pucca (permanent, concrete) buildings—there were only a few pukka buildings there. This village was on the banks of Ravi (River ‘Iravati’ of Puranas ) river. We reached the village around 11 am. The old Swamiji opened up his cottage and cleaned it. By that time his son,

who was working with the electricity department in Jammu, came there with some tea. After tea, I bathed in a small stream nearby and sat near the fire, maintained by that Swamiji . To my wonder, a middle-aged lady arrived there carrying two big food containers and entered the cottage. Swamiji was getting ready to make his food—the small kerosene stove was already lit and water kept on it. The lady entered and told him not to cook food now as she had brought food for both of us. I asked her in wonder, ‘Who told you that we were here?’ She replied, after doing namaskar to me and Swamiji, that an hour earlier while she was busy cooking food, she heard a voice telling her that her Guruji has come to the village and to carry food for him. I thought first that she was referring to the Swamiji . But Swamiji introduced her to me as Kaushalya, his daughter-in-law. She was the wife of his second son, working in the military. I told her that I had never before visited that village or initiated her. So how did she feel that I was her guru ? The reply was very logical and simple. She told me that she used to pray at the Mata Vaishno Devi shrine to be granted a guru . The voice she had heard while cooking food was definitely that of Vaishno Mata. I was wonderstruck! I had my bhiksha along with the Swamiji . She was coaxing us to eat more and more. We finished the food and the lady left for her house. I felt I should sleep for a while as we could not sleep comfortably on the train.

Navaratri in the Land of Vaishno Devi

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very day more and more villagers began coming to me for darshan . One evening when few villagers, women and men, were sitting near me, I told them, “Navaratri is very near. I know all of you are devotees of Mata Vaishno Devi. If you all feel so, on Navaratri days, I will perform a satsang (gathering of people for a spiritual discourse) for you. Mornings I will recite Chandi Paath (Durga saptasathi ) and evenings around 4 pm or so, I shall tell you stories of Mata , based on the Devi Bhagavatam .” All were very happy to hear that.

MY FIRST GADDI The next day a few women from the village came there, and collecting stones and soil, they made a 3’×3’ size gaddi (cushion) for me to sit on, in front of the cottage. They also cleaned the ground in front of the cottage. Since the gaddi was made of clay and stones, it took about four or five days to dry. There was no drinking water facility (no hand pump, tap, etc.) near the cottage. The elder son of Swamiji , after discussing with other villagers, installed a hand pump there. While the digging was going on, I saw a Shivalingam -shaped stone among other stones. I asked them to just stop the digging and bring that lingam -shaped stone to me. They tried to lift it, but even though it didn’t appear to be a very big stone, they failed. I called Swamiji and told him that his Shiva had appeared there (he was a Shiva Bhakta [devotee]) and asked him to lift it. I gave a good bath to the linga and next day being Monday (the day of Shiva) I installed the lingam near Swamiji ’s fire, and everybody was happy.

Swamiji’s daughter-in-law used to bring my bhiksha daily and Swamiji cooked for himself. His ego was a bit high as he was a pensioner. He did not accept anything from the villagers, not even from his children. Navaratri was to start in a day or two and the gaddi made of clay was now dry. Before Navaratri I informed the villagers that I would be in Upavasa for nine days, taking only water (as was the usual practice) and on the tenth day all the villagers were to come there for prasadam . I also told them that we would do Srividya Homam every night. I asked them to also prepare three or five boys for ‘Yagnopavita sanskar ’ 28 before Navaratri so that they could participate in the Homam . So, with all such arrangements the Navaratri started. Every morning I would do Chandi Paath sitting near the fire. In the evenings there would be a good-sized gathering in front of me for satsang . In the beginning of course there were fifty or sixty villagers but by the end of Navaratri , the crowd had grown to more than three hundred. The daily satsangs and homams at night went very well. On Navami day, the villagers started bringing rice, jaggery, ghee, etc., to the cottage. I understood that this was for preparing the ‘prasadam ’ meant for all. The Chandi Paath, Satsang, and Srividya Homa were all completed by Navami itself. During the early hours next day (i.e., Vijaya Dashami ) some villagers came with big utensils from their house and started the cooking of the sweet rice (similar to the payasam of south India). As early as 6am, people began pouring in. Bhajans and Keerthans (singing of devotional songs) started. Around 10 am, the naivedyam was ready. I was told that they had cooked nearly 6 mann (around 240 kilogram) rice for the common feeding of prasadam . I asked Swamiji and other elders to first offer the naivedyam to Mata Vaishno Devi and then start serving. Bhajans on Vaishno Devi were in full swing and immediately thereafter, the

naivedyam prasad distribution started. It was about 12 noon when I noticed the appearance of an old man in torn clothes but in good physical condition. There was something special about his eyes. I thought he might be a great yogi and invited him inside the cottage to take some prasadam . But he sat under a tree and we served him sweet rice and bananas there. After taking the prasadam he gave Swamiji and me a banana each and told me, “Maharaj , this is your ‘Karma Bhoomi . Do it and be blessed!” He walked towards the village road and disappeared. I asked some boys to search for him but it was in vain. None of the villagers had ever seen him before. I was wondering who it could be? People from five neighbouring villages had also come there to have the prasadam . Everybody ate to full stomach and carried some to their homes as well. By evening 6 pm everything had ended. Some village elders were sitting near me. One Madanlal and Paramanand were prominent among them. They asked me if I could stay permanently in that village—they would make arrangements for a cottage. They said that since the village did not have a Mata Mandir, they had been making a plan earlier for constructing one, and with my help and presence, they wanted to build a Mandir along with the proposed cottage for me. I kept quiet. Swamiji said that I would definitely accept their proposal as I used to do Mata pooja daily. The villagers left at night and Swamiji went to do japa in his cottage. I was sitting near the small stream and thinking what to do about the proposal of the elders of the village.

Mandir and Ashram THE MAYA OF EXISTENCE

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nce long ago I had a chance to attend a conclave at Varanasi. This was a workshop on Vedanta . I had never done a conventional study of Vedanta , but I had read books on the Upanishad s and Gita by Dr. S.Radhakrishnan during my college days. It was mere chance that I was at the conclave since I was with one of my friends, and a swamiji was attending it. There were more than eighteen great scholars and the public included swamis , professors of Banaras Hindu University and a few other students of Vedanta . There were some hot discussions and I too participated in them. One of the great scholars of Kashi (name withheld) used some abusive and sarcastic language when I tried to prove ‘Advaita siddhi’ in perspective of Shakti sadhana . Basically I am a Shakta (worshipper of Shakti ) from Kerala. I felt very bad as the scholar swamiji ridiculed my viewpoints. In those days I had neither manpower nor money power. I tried to explain my view based on my Shakti sadhana experiences. His words hurt me badly. I came out to Manikarnika ghat, where cupping Ganga jal in my palms, I prayed to Ganga mata with a sankalp to one day give me the strength to prove that I was correct. Perhaps the universal mother had blessed me then, for now in this unknown village some villagers were offering me land, and seeking my help in constructing a mandir and ashram . The next day when the villagers came, I accepted their proposal. Then I told them, “We will construct a mandir and ashram and of course it shall be a Srividya peetham , where research work on Shakti sadhana especially Srividya will be done.” All agreed and took me to a spot where there was a small hut-type mandir with photos of Vaishno Devi. It was surrounded by at

least two acres of barren land with no owner. They told me that the River Ravi had been flowing there years before but now the course of the river had changed. The villagers wanted to construct the mandir and ashram there. A day was fixed for bhumi pooja (foundation-laying prayers) and the villagers started collecting some money among themselves to initiate it. Swamiji ’s elder son took the responsibility of getting the idol of Mata from Jaipur at his own expense. Paramanand, a senior villager, who had retired from the military, was chosen as treasurer. Madanlal, who worked as an accounts officer with the Jammu & Kashmir government, took over all responsibility of the construction work. I was not inclined to sit quiet. Even though I had no money with me for construction, I started my Srividya purascharan once again. This would be my seventh one. A very old villager who was known as the ‘president’ there (he was president of the village committee for rehabilitation in 1947 when they had migrated) came to me with his son and said, “Maharaj, when we came and settled here in 1948, we had a plan to construct a small mandir of Mata , but somehow it did not materialize. A partially built mandir still stands near my house. If you wish so, please make use of those bricks for the construction work.” He added that since he himself had made the sankalpa of constructing a mandir , though it was half done and stopped for lack of funds, he had not dismantled it. He said that I could take those bricks after doing a pooja to Vaishno Mata. After a few days I went there with a few youngsters and performed a small pooja with water and flowers and then removed the bricks. With these we constructed a small cottage of size about 8’×10’ near the proposed site of the mandir . I was still staying at the same old cottage belonging to the Swamiji . The construction work was going on slowly. Almost three months had

passed. But I don’t know why my mind was not settled with that Swamiji . Sometimes he behaved in an arrogant and egocentric way, even though he liked me a lot. Kaushalya and her children used to visit me daily with my bhiksha . Once after discussions with the villagers, I told her that it was not good that only she had the opportunity to bring me bhiksha every day. We selected seven families to provide for my bhiksha every week. Even now after so many years with a full-fledged ashram with kitchen and other facilities, the practice of bringing bhiksha for me at 12 noon still continues, even though I am not present there. They bring it and offer it as naivedyam and leave. One evening, the old swamiji ’s son arrived from Jaipur bringing the idol of Mata with him. It was about 3 feet in height and made of white marble and looked very fine. All the villagers came to view it at Madanlal’s residence and we placed it in dhan adhivasa (paddy fields) till the completion of the construction work. My mind was very disturbed and I wanted to go to Haridwar or elsewhere for a change. I told the villagers to continue the work and one fine day left for Haridwar. Many villagers offered me money for the journey and it totalled to more than three thousand rupees. Keeping aside a thousand rupees for the journey I handed over the balance to Paramanand to be used for construction. Winter was now near and I was still having the same old kambal and a pair of clothes and of course, my kamandal and kappar . While on the train, I was thinking about where to go. At Haridwar, I did not go to Sapta Sarovar or any ashram. After having a bath, I simply sat at Ganga ghat, thought-free. I decided upon travelling to Gujarat for a pilgrimage to Dwaraka, Somnath, etc. and went towards the railway station to find out whether I would be able to catch a train.

I purchased a ticket to Ahmedabad and sat in a Delhi passenger train, as there was no direct train to Gujarat.

In Gujarat

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fter reaching Ahmedabad, I was wondering where to go. Shivanandaji of Rishi Ashram had told me once that his gurusthan was near Rajkot, in a village known as Thoriyali. His Guruji was from the same ‘parampara ’ that I belonged to. His Paramaguru (Guruji’s Guruji ) was the direct disciple of Sri Shivanand Paramahamsa of Vatakara in Kerala (which was why his Guruji had given the same name to Shivananda). This Shivananda Paramahamsa of Vatakara is the elder gurubhai of Bhagavan Nityananda, all of who belong to the Siddha Yoga Parampara of Gyanganj. I thought that I must visit that place once, and made my way by bus to Rajkot. At that time there was no bus to Thoriyali so I got a ride on a milk van going there. I got on this vehicle at Padthiri, a small kasba (walled township) from where nearby villagers made purchases. I reached Thoriyali, and with the help of a villager reached the ashram . Swami Shantanand Giri was the head of the ashram at the time. Two or three of his gurubhais were also staying there in that Ashram . They welcomed me happily and arranged for my stay in a cottage. I had met these swamijis earlier during my stay at Haridwar, and Shivanandaji had introduced me to them. The ashram was very big. There were several single-roomed cottages, the samadhi mandir of the Guruji , goshalas (cowsheds) and a lot of farmland around. I had darshan at the Samadhi mandir and attended evening arathi . In the evening after meals, when we were all discussing sundry matters, I told them that I was on my way to Dwaraka for darshan . Swamiji told me not to be in such a hurry to leave and asked that I stay there for a few days with them.

The next day, a brahmachari also came there who was known to me for a long time. He was the direct disciple of Samprasadananda of Gangotri and later this brahmachari took sanyasa deeksha from the Swamiji of Omkareswar on the banks of Narmada, in the name of Abhayananda Saraswati. He was a good friend of mine and while in that ashram he stayed near me in a separate cottage. My mind was becoming very disturbed for no reason. I was caught in negative thoughts most of the time, about leaving my Guruji , the fruitless journey to Tibet, the trip to Jammu involving the construction, and leaving it behind for no reason—all such thoughts perturbed me. The main problem was that I had no vision of my Guruji in a long time. In fact, I was very depressed with the situation and felt like running away from life itself. Suicidal symptoms developed in me. I saw no meaning in a life like that. Food intake came down drastically, and there was no sleep. A type of uneasiness was always within me. Loneliness led to a kind of fear with increase in depression. I tried to do some japa to come back to my normal mood but it was in vain. One day I went to meet a doctor in Rajkot. After hearing about my problem the doctor directed me to his friend, who was a psychiatrist. After long counselling and studying my case, the doctor suggested some medicines for thought control and proper sleep. One was Mellaril and other was Dizepam and I started the medication. But nothing worked. I was slowly becoming violent in my thoughts. There was only one thought in my mind, to leave the body by any means. I was thinking of committing suicide. The thought multiplied so much that one night I consumed more than 10 sleeping tablets together, with the intention to die. Now I knew that I was dying. It was night, and nobody was near me. My throat felt dry and I wanted some water to drink. I tried to lift my kamandal but it fell down and I felt as if I was sinking into oblivion.

When I opened my eyes, Abhayanand was sitting near me. It was the second day since my attempt to die. I was unable to lift my body and Abhayanand lifted me and made me sit leaning against the wall and had me drink a lot of milk. It took more than a week to come back to normalcy. I slept for almost a week, unable to walk or bathe. Even though Abhayanand understood what had happened, he never asked what and for why all this had happened. Due to all that had occurred, I had grown very weak. Due to the dedicated care and attention of my friend, I began eating again. I wrote a letter to Sri Bhaskar Rao Kalambi of Vanvasi Kalyan Ashram about my mental state and the folly that I had committed. He was known to me since my childhood days, as a sangh pracharak (volunteer of a civil organization) in the area where I was born and brought up. I wrote to him saying I wanted to join the Vanavasi Kalyan Ashram which was a pioneer of seva programmes like schools and dispensaries in tribal areas all over India. (Bhaskar Raoji was very close to my poorvashram family and I had a special affection for him. I used to go to the shakha (branch) with him whenever he visited our village.) Abhayanand left for Haridwar while I continued staying there to recover my health. Within a week I received a letter in the mail from Bhaskar Raoji enclosing two hundred rupee notes therein. He wrote that I should go to Bombay, as he would be available there at the Kalyan Ashram office in Wadala (Dadar) the week onwards. I sent a reply to him confirming that I would meet him the next week. I dropped my programme of travelling to Dwaraka and told the head of the ashram that I was leaving for Bombay to join a social service organization pioneering tribal development activities. My mind-set had changed from japa yoga to KARMA YOGA ! I did not know what the force behind me was or who had changed my mind’s

inclinations. Praying to my Guruji , I sat inside the train leaving for Bombay from Rajkot.

Life in Karma Yoga

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uring my college days though I had read the books on Karma Yoga by Swami Vivekananda, Maharishi Aurobindo and Mahatma Gandhi, they were very difficult for me to digest. But I had some ideas in my mind regarding ‘nishkama karma ’ (selfless work) that it would definitely lead one to ‘Antakarana suddhi ’ (internal purification). But all these were theories to me. Now I was going to enter into ‘karma yoga’ in a practical way. It was not very difficult for me to reach the Vanavasi Kalyan Ashram office in Bombay. I was very happy to meet Bhaskar Raoji again after a long time. He knew that I had left home and been initiated into sanyasa but was unaware of my whereabouts during the past few years. After my bath and food, he spoke to me about the activities the organization was doing. He briefed me regarding the main details of what I was supposed to do in the field and what not. Finally he told me that I should go to Dehradun and then to Jaunsarbavar, which is situated in Chakrata tehsil of Dehradun district. He arranged for my ticket for the journey next day by Doon Express from Dadar to Dehradun and gave me a letter to show the manager of the project. Another letter was given to Dr. Nityananda who was the Pranta Karyavah of the Sangh at Dehradun. This was for him to take care of my needs at Chakrata where the Vanvasi Kalyan Ashram had a project of a school and dispensary. As the train was late, I reached Dehradun after two days in the early hours. I stayed on the railway platform itself till sunrise, and then went to meet the person who was in charge of the project. He was a doctor and well-known social activist of that area. He directed me to go to the Moti Bazaar at the Sangha Karyalaya to meet Dr. Nityananda as he was taking

care of things. I did my ablutions and had food at the Karyalaya and met Dr. Nityananda, who was a retired professor looking after the tribal development project at Makhti Pokhri (at Chakrata) and briefed me about the seva programmes that were being done there. The plan was to develop the village so that it can represent a model village. Dr. Nityananda said, “We are not going there to teach them anything, but are there to study them and learn a lot from the poor Himalayan tribals in Jaunsarbavar—keep this always in mind and only then will we be able to do real seva for them. Nobody needs our sympathy there. Don’t go there with that attitude. Be there, study the situation, and do the needful for the upliftment of the tribal people. We have a dispensary there, which Dr. Dinesh takes care of. And a small school with a couple of teachers. I want you to be there as an overall coordinator of the project.” I assured him that there would be no negative steps from my side in the project. This being the first time that I was getting a chance to work with a big organization like Vanavasi Kalyan Ashram, I should understand what I was supposed to do there. I told Dr. Nityananda that I needed some time to study the situation there. I was not going to start any work as soon as I reached there. I needed to be there for at least one month and then start the work, with his permission and instructions. Before starting work, I would definitely go to him and describe my observations to finalize the mode of work I was supposed to do. He agreed to this. I stayed at the karyalaya for a couple of days to study about the tribals with whom I was going to stay in the near future. Dr. Nityananda gave me some books about the Jaunsari tribals and I also spoke with the sangh workers who used to visit occasionally. Vijayji, the zilla pracharka (district in-charge) of the sangh told me a lot about the life of Jaunsaris.

During the stay at the Dehradun Karyalaya I had a good opportunity to learn about the Jaunsaris. Two young boys studying in the 12th grade were staying at the karyalaya, both from the same village where the project was and where I was supposed to go. They were Khajan Singh Rana and Ramesh and were under the guidance of Dr. Nityananda. They were the first group of students who had left the village for the city to study, staying at the karyalaya . Dr. Nityanand told Khajan Singh Rana to accompany me to Makhti Pokhri village the next day. There was a bus going to Nagthat via Makhti in the morning, and we left for the village on the third day. After an hour’s journey when we reached Vikas Nagar, I told him about my stay there with the mandali and about my sadhana . Kalsi was the next stop from where the Jaunsarbavar hills start. From Kalsi to Chakrata the road was one-way. Only after the buses or other vehicles going up reached Sahiya, could the buses coming down start. We left for Sahiya and after reaching there we had to wait for some time for the road to clear. This road and the vehicular traffic were controlled by the military. By evening we reached Chakrata, the tehsil headquarters from where we had to travel further for 16 km in order to reach the villages. The onward journey was on kaccha (unpaved) road. By sunset we reached Makhti Pokhri village. The bus continued to Nagthat, which was further away by a few more kilometres. I handed over the letter meant for Dr. Dinesh written by Dr. Nityananda regarding my arrival and stay there. He had clearly mentioned therein that from that day onwards I would be the manager of the project. Dr. Dinesh had been staying there for a few years with his wife and son. It was a building with three rooms. One was used for the doctor’s stay and the other for the dispensary. The third one was vacant. Khajan Singh and I

cleaned the third room and put my belongings there. Khajan Singh then left for Makhti village which was a furlong down the hills. Dr. Dinesh and wife were very cooperative. They fed me at night with rotis and dal . He described to me his experiences during the stay there. He told me in detail of life with the tribals and about his attending to more than 60 patients every day. We were talking till late in the night when his wife called him to sleep. I too went to my new room with very positive hopes in mind. Time is very cruel. I had been doing japa yoga previously, leading the life of an ascetic. Now time had brought me in to another shore. I recalled my college days when I was one among some young boys who had formed a small group in the village to do some seva activities. Whenever there was help needed in the village, whether it was during weddings, death ceremonies or illness, these villagers used to call us for assistance. Our group of young men would extend the maximum help possible to the needy for which we were always looked upon with special affection and hope. That was the only previous experience in samaj seva for me. Now time had shown its real face and I was content with the thought that it was definitely my Guruji’s plan to bring me back to normalcy in my spiritual life. I was happy, and I fell asleep thinking such thoughts.

Life with Jaunsaris—I

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he Jaunsaris were very different in their beliefs, way of life, etc. They practice polyandry and polygamy as well. Most of them are nonvegetarians. These tribals wear colourful attire and on festive occasions eat, drink and dance day and night as other tribals of India do. They believe that they are the descendants of the Pandavas . As such, only the older brothers marry and the other brothers are also the husband of that lady. Surrounded by Himalayan hills, Jaunsarbavar is situated at an altitude of about 10–15 thousand feet. Snowfall during winter is heavy. Mussorie is about 70 km from the place where our project was situated. The next day I visited Makhti village with Dr. Dinesh and met the villagers. One Param Singh was the village syana (head of the village). All of us sat together and discussed about their life there. I did not mention anything about what I was expected to do for them, as I myself was not clear about it. The winter was now coming to an end and Shivaratri was near. There was a dilapidated mandir of Kayalu devata (Kala Bhairav), the presiding deity of the village. It was in a bad shape due to ill-maintenance and I felt that I should start my work from there. I thought if the villagers permitted I should try to renovate the temple and make it the centre of my work. The room where I was staying was very cramped with no facility for water. For answering calls of nature, we had to go to the forest carrying water in a container. Water was also not available nearby. Dr. Dinesh assigned a lady for carrying water for all of us. Now that Shivaratri was approaching, Dr. Dinesh wanted to go to his village somewhere near Etawah (in Uttar Pradesh). I was all alone there after his moving out of the

project. I had no other way than depending on someone else to prepare my food. For a few days, I had rice and dal from a small tea shop once a day. This continued till Shivaratri . Rajendra Singh Chauhan (son of the village head) and his friend one Chattar Singh were very cooperative. They suggested that instead of depending on the tea shop for my food, it was better that I cooked food myself, and they would also help me to do so. Dr. Dinesh’s stove and utensils were in the small kitchen on the verandah . I began using them for cooking. I was not a good cook. Somehow I managed to prepare rice, dal and vegetables once a day and heated the leftovers for dinner. The self-cooking practice went on well. I was using most of my time to move around the villages nearby (a belt of 25 villages known as ‘sell khat’ ) and sometimes I would take food in the villages if it was offered to me by the villagers. I used to interact with them regarding their life and what they were expecting from my organization. Our school was very small with just a few students but I wanted to enrol more. So whenever I visited a village I would talk to them about the importance of education and ask them to send their children to the school. Slowly the number of students increased and the number of teachers as well. The school was run under the Saraswati Sishu Mandir, a network of schools all over India. One of the relatives of Rajendra Singh Chauhan was very poor as the head of the family was a drunkard. It was a family of husband, wife, and five children. I had noticed that their elder boy who was a student in the 5th grade was irregular in attendance. I told Rajendra Singh to ask whether that boy was willing to stay with me for his studies. After discussing with his parents, the boy agreed to stay with me. Chaitra Navaratri was near. I had previously observed both Navaratris with fasting and reading Chandi Paath . This time I was in a dilemma. Now that I was in the field of ‘karma yoga’ should I mix this with ‘bhakti yoga’

? With this question in mind, I wrote a postcard to Dr. Nityanand about my intention to celebrate Chaitra Navaratri in that village, so that I could be in close touch with the villagers as well during my nine days of stay there. He sent his reply of consent with the bus driver. After discussing with the village head and some other elders I decided to camp at the village for nine days during Navaratri and to do the Chandi Paath . A Brahmin named Milky Ram from the nearby village came forward to assist me in the programme. Everyday we recited the Chandi Paath in the morning and in the evenings the villagers sang some bhajans and songs. I was fasting for the nine days. This gave me plenty of time to observe and study the life of the villagers very closely. As mentioned earlier, most of the villagers were non-vegetarian and they drank countrymade liquor which was prepared at every home and stocked. I said nothing against it as the geographical conditions were such that they are habituated to eat and drink as they did. Before concluding the Chaitra Navaratri , we all sat together to discuss the Kayalu Devata Mandir renovation. All were happy to hear that we could accomplish it with ‘Sramadan ’ (donation of time and effort, but not money, for a good cause) and that I would arrange to get an idol of Kayalu Devata sculpted in marble from Jaipur. There was a small idol of 6 inches height made of copper in that dilapidated mandir and Khajan Singh made a sketch of the idol for sending to Jaipur. Navaratri went well and on the last day of Vijaya Dasami , people from nearby villages also attended. We had a community-feeding programme of rice and dal as prasadam . Param Singh and Amar Singh Rana took the responsibility for this. I went to Dehradun to meet Dr. Nityananda, to speak about my proposal for the development after my interaction with the villagers. He agreed with me. Dr. Dinesh was not returning now and Dr. Nityananda arranged for a new doctor from Dehradun. He had just completed medical studies and was ready to join the project. It would have been difficult for the villagers if there was no doctor

in the project, as they would then have to go 16 km to Chakrata to get medicines. Dr. Mukesh was supposed to join within a couple of days. I waited and stayed in Karyala so that I could accompany the doctor on my return.

Cooking for Common Feeding in Jammu Ashram

Gomata Pooja at Jammu Ashram

Bhava Samadhi

Deeksha of Mohi – Disciple of Avadhoota Nadananda

Doing Puja

Avadhoota Nadananda at Girnar

Mt. Kailash

Manasarovar

Bhagavan Nityananda

On the Return From Gyangunj

Life with Jaunsaris—II

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fter returning from Dehradun I concentrated on temple renovation work. All the villagers volunteered to join the work. It took more than four months to complete the renovation. A young lad named Vikram joined me during these days, an innocent and naive boy, who was studying in the fifth grade. He was attending the nearby elementary school, run by the government. I noticed that he was not aware of how to take a bath or wash his clothes. So I started to give him a bath daily in the afternoon when he returned from school, as well as washing his clothes and cooking for both of us. Slowly he picked up everything, bathing, washing and helping me cook food for both of us. When the renovation was almost complete, I brought the Kayalu Devata idol from Jaipur with the help of Rajendra Singh Chauhan. Dr. Nityananda and others decided to make it a grand programme of installing the idol in the renovated temple. They invited the Dehradun Member of the Legislative Assembly (MLA), who was the Minister for Gram Vikas (Rural Development) and a few other dignitaries to the function. This enabled the construction of a road leading to the village, by the department with the help of the government. Mr. Harbans Kapoor, the minister who came to inaugurate the Mandir , made arrangements for the road. The local MLA Munna Singh Chauhan and other dignitaries were also present on the occasion. The villagers arranged for a community feeding programme on that day. Villagers from Sally Khat (from 25 nearby villages) came and there were drum beats, dances and songs. I took care of the Moorti Sthapana (installation of the idol with rites and rituals) with the help of a village friend and priest called Mali. For the villagers, Mali’s words were final. He was an oracle, who would throw some rice in to the sky and then catching a few grains in his

hands, give predictions on the health and other day-to-day matters of the villagers. And before idol installation too, they took permission from Mali to do so. But before the idol installation I called the elders of the village to discuss ending the slaughtering of goats and other animals at the Mandir . I told them that they could still offer an animal by tying it at the pillar of the Mandir as a symbol while breaking a coconut instead of slaughtering the innocent animal. Since the custom of offering bali or sacrifice on an auspicious occasion had come down from time immemorial, the elders were at first uncomfortable about accepting my proposal. But I took Mali in confidence and convinced him to tell the villagers to accept the proposal. The villagers were afraid that if the sacrificial animal was not offered, the gods would get angry and it would be harmful for the village. Finally Mali convinced them to do as I said. Param Singh, the village head, also reassured them that the gods would not be angry by just symbolically offering the animal at the temple on the idol installation day and not actually sacrificing it. And in future there would be no animal slaughter at that mandir. The second step that I took was the prohibition of liquor making and drinking in the village. They also accepted this proposal, except on festival days when they would offer liquor to deities and drink. Thus, the age old system of slaughtering and drinking in the village ended. They took an oath in front of the village deity as well. The newsletter/publication Rajasthan Patrika and Panchajanyam wrote in detail about me and my work in this direction. But some villagers were not happy as they used to make country liquor and sell it to the other villages. They got angry with me and that was why one night, a few days after the function, one of the villagers attacked me with an iron rod. I was hurt on my head and was bleeding. This incident

created a sympathy wave among the villagers as they thought I was doing something good for them yet a villager had attacked me. They called an assembly of the village panchayat and insisted that I tell them who had done the deed, but even though the culprit was sitting right in front of me, I told the panchayat that I had not seen his face and that I could not identify him. This action of mine created a change of mind in the person and he came to me and apologized the next day. To my wonder, he stopped making and drinking liquor from that day onwards.

Life with Jaunsaris—III

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was in charge of the project for more than five years and the experience was wonderful. The school grew to eight grades. Two other children besides Vikram began to stay with me. I used to go around the 25 villages often but work was totally concentrated only on Makhti village. After few months of stay with Dr. Mukesh I observed that he was selling medicines which he brought over from Dehradun for our dispensary. The medicines were supposed to be distributed free of cost. I had a talk with him, brought the matter to the notice of Dr. Nityanand, and Dr. Mukesh was removed from the project. For two months the project had no physician and then one Dr. Shyam Bihari, also fresh out of medical school, replaced him. He had studied at Gurukul Kangadi Medical College and had a BAMS Degree. He was a very generous person who helped me in all my work and also tutored Vikram and the other two boys. Winter was once again at our doorsteps. I had the same old kambal with me which I had been using previously, but now the kambal had to be shared with two more children. As I was only taking 500 rupees from the project for my personal expenses, I was not left with much money to spend on their warm clothes. Sri Tilak Raj Kapoor of Vanvasi Kalyan Ashram used to send DD or check to meet the expenses of the project—Rs. 2,000 to pay the doctor, Rs.5000 for medicines, and Rs. 500 for my expenses and some sundry expenses like rent, etc. One night I heard the sound of villagers in the courtyard of the building. They were around twenty people who had brought in a woman in labour pain. Dr. Shyam Bihari attended to her and then came to my room. As there were no other women in the group of villagers, the doctor wanted me to assist him in delivery. I was afraid. A patient was usually brought by villagers only in the case of emergencies. It

was a practice with the Jaunsaris tribes to cooperate with any patient or a person in the village facing any problem, to help each other—one member from every household would accompany a patient in emergency, at night. When Dr. Shyam Bihari asked me to assist him in the delivery, I was full of doubt. There was a dilemma in my mind but the words of my Guruji suddenly came to mind—‘Live for others’. I changed into a lungi borrowed from the doctor and went with him to the room where the expectant mother was lying and crying. The doctor gave her an injection and handing over a lot of cotton to me asked me to clean the blood, saying he would take care of other things. This incident will always be etched in my memory. I was neither a nurse nor a doctor. I was a sanyasi , and moreover a brahmachari . But praying to my guru , I helped the doctor in the delivery by cleaning blood and consoling the woman. It was a shock for me and an eye-opener. By the grace of Almighty it took about three-quarters of an hour to complete the delivery process. The baby and mother were fine and I too felt relieved. The next day I wrote to Dr. Nityananda about the episode and requested him to also arrange for a midwife for the dispensary, and thank God, within a short time a retired midwife also joined our project. My mind was growing restless and disturbed and I lost interest in my work. I had occasional chest pain and Dr. Shyam Bihari gave me medication. Winter started in all ferocity. The two children and I used to share the single kambal which I possessed. They both slept on either side of me, and like a hen with her chicks under her wings, we were together. One of the boys had been suffering from some stomach disorder for a long time, and he used to emit a lot of gas (with a very bad smell) frequently. I tolerated this bad situation too, as we had no choice but to sleep together to share the single kambal . In addition due to insufficient rest with disturbed sleep, my

chest pain also had increased. So Dr. Shyam Bihari asked me to go to Dehradun for a check-up with a heart specialist. Due to the snowfall there were no bus services and so with the help of Rajendra Singh Chauhan, and some other villagers, I went up to Sahiya by walking through the hills. We had to stop along the way in one or two villages, and it took two days to reach Sahiya from where we caught a bus to Dehradun. I had become very weak by then and unable to walk even a few steps due to the chest pain. At Dehradun the heart specialist scolded me for coming so late in my illness, and that too by walk. I had symptoms of cardiac arrest and was admitted in the hospital for a few days. After discharge from the hospital, I came to the karyalaya at Moti Bazaar to meet Dr. Nityananda. He asked me to rest there for a few days. I rested there for a week and returned to the project, up to Sahiya by bus and then by walk. The winter was still in full swing and so I took rest in my room for a few more days. Due to continuing ill health, I left the project.

Kumbha Mela and Journey to Narmada

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he Kumbha Mela 29 at Allahabad was about to commence. I was with the mandali at Ludhiana. The chief of the mandali asked me to take all the food items to Allahabad, in a truck going from Ludhiana to Allahabad. I agreed. The devotees filled the truck with gunny bags of wheat, rice, dal and other such things for daily use of the mandali members. This was my first time traveling in a truck. I reached Allahabad on the third day. We reached Jhusi village where the mandali used to stay during Kumbha melas. Jhusi village is on the other side of the Ganga Sangam. A few Sikh devotees were there already to make arrangements for the stay of the mandali . The sadhus of the mandali were on the way to Allahabad by walk. They would reach in a day or two and I had to make arrangements for their stay and food before their arrival. With the help of the Sikh devotees, it was easy for me to do the work. When the Kumbha mela began, I took care of the pooja/satsang . A lot of sadhu/sanyasis stayed at our Virakta mandali . Swamy Shivananda was also with me. One day, a friend brahmachari of Shivanandaji was discussing his plans to go for ‘Narmada parikrama’ (circumambulation of the Narmada River—from Omkareswar back to Omkareswar, about 1,800 miles, which usually takes 3 years, 3 months and 13 days to complete). He had done it once in 18 months. As I had never visited the Narmada, I had a strong urge to go there. The brahmachari was planning to go after the ‘Kalpavas ’ (41 days stay at Kumbha Mela) to Omkareswar, and from there he would start his ‘Narmada Parikrama’. With the consent of Swami Shivanandaji, I too planned to go. But as usual, I had no money for bus fare to Omkareshwar. Shivanandaji spoke to one of his friends known as ‘Mauni ’ (who had kept maun or vow of silence for a few years during his stay with the mandali ) to help me out with some money to go to Omkareshwar. As I

was not even handling money in those days, I asked ‘Mauni ’ to hand over the bus fare into the brahmachari’ s hands. Kumbha Mela was in full swing. Lakhs of sadhus/sanyasis reached Prayag (the sangam or confluence of the Rivers Ganga, Yamuna and Saraswati) for the holy bath and stay for 41 days. Once I heard from Shivanandaji about ‘Mahavatar Babaji’, who is the first guru of Gyanganj. (Mahavatar Baba is well known—he appears to devotees as a young man, aged fifteen or so.) I was very eager to search for and find him. Somewhere in Paramahamsa Yogananda’s book I had read that Babaji attended the Kumbha Mela and that one could meet him—if one was lucky enough— among common beggar folk, sitting and controlling the devotees of Gyanganj. I was proud to be one of the sanyasis of Gyanganj. After my failure to reach Gyanganj I was deeply disappointed and the information about Mahavatar Babaji gave me new energy to search for him. During the Kumbha Mela, every day after my ablutions and bhiksha I used to wander here and there, in search of Babaji . Days passed but my daily movements were not producing any results. One day during my search, it was almost sunset time when I reached near a group of people sitting in a row near the sangam . Now, I could easily make out the face of Babaji (which I had previously seen in a picture in Paramahamsa Yogananda’s book). I tried to reach closer to him, but found that I could not move. It was as if my legs were chained. Again and again I tried to move, but in vain. I could see the face of Babaji from a distance. Now as I inched forward, I saw Babaji gesturing me, asking me to go. I prostrated standing there itself and once again tried to move towards him. Alas, he was not there and had disappeared from the vicinity. I felt sad and sat near the sangam for a while. I was in a trance for a long time. Mere vision had given me such intoxication! I felt a hand on my shoulder. Turning back, I saw a swamiji standing behind me in white robes, white matted hair and beard. He told me, “Look, swamiji , to have darshan or sparsan (touch) of great

saints, we need to have a separate pathrata (eligibility)—purity of body, mind and intellect is very important. You failed to reach Gyanganj or Babaji . Why? You know, even now you have some impurity in your mind. Sakamata —the desire to gain something materialistic—is your problem.” I was wondering to myself how this stranger, a swami unknown to me, knew that I had tried and failed to reach Gyanganj and Babaji . He then added, “I know what you are thinking now. You doubt me! You need not tell me anything as I know everything. I know all about you—that you have done good sadhana on Srividya , and that you are planning to travel to Narmada. But just be aware of one thing—a small impurity in mind or body or intellect, or any materialistic thought will hinder you in reaching your goal.” Saying this, he merged back into the crowd. It was almost night-time. Thousands of fluorescent lamps were burning all over the Kumbha Mela grounds. I felt bad about myself, my mind full of stress. Slowly and with much difficulty I tried to get up and moved towards the mandali . The forty-one day stay at the Kumbha Mela had been full of experiences. Meeting some great saints and siddhas gave me much courage. I made a resolution never to look back to materialism even though that maya was trying to eat me away and my life. It was time to leave the Kumbh Mela. With instructions from Shivanandaji, I went to the bus stand with the brahmachari , and took a seat on a bus going to Indore. Thus began the journey to Narmada.

At Omkareshwar

W

e reached Indore the next day around noon and changed to another bus from there and reached Omkareshwar by evening. The brahmachari took me to the Markandeya Sanyas Ashram on the banks of Narmada. Swamy Ramanand Saraswati, a well-known scholar of Vedanta , was the head of the ashram . The brahmachari and I stayed there. There were about 20–30 sanyasis staying there and studying Vedanta. Swami Ramanandji took classes in the morning every day. Even though I was not a student of Vedanta , I also attended the classes. I was introduced to Swamiji by the brahmachari . I told him about my journey to the Himalayas and my desire to do the Narmada parikrama. Swamiji had done it in his younger days, and told me about the difficulties of the journey. The brahmachari and two of his friends (all the people in the ashram were brahmacharis ) and one Swami Budha Das were also ready to travel. The Narmada flows right by that ashram and on the opposite bank was the famous Jyotir Lingam of Omkareshwar. On the bank along the ashram was Amaleshwar. I visited these mandirs with a few other sanyasis . The Omkareshwar Jyotir Lingam is on top of a hill. Down the hill, just near the Narmada was a cave that had once been occupied by Bhagavan Govinda Pada (the guru of Adi Shankaracharya). This was the place where Adi Shankaracharya had studied and practiced Vedanta under his guru’s guidance. The cave was restored and is now maintained by the Kanchi Sankara Mutt. Swami Ramanandji asked me about my sadhana in the Himalayas. When he heard that I had completed seven purascharans on Srividya shodashi mantra , there was no end to his wonder. He asked me to study Vedanta , but for some reason I was very reluctant. Swamiji asked me

to stay for a few more days at the ashram . I used to sit on the banks of the Narmada for hours together in the evenings. One day, the brahmachari and the others told me that they were ready to start on the journey. We then took a letter of introduction from the ashram and embarked on the journey next day. The path on the banks of the Narmada was full of stones and thorns. We were supposed to walk barefoot. The beginning itself was very tedious. After two hours’ walk we reached Khedi Ghat (Moretaka) where we decided to stay for the night. Swami Budha Das knew somebody there as he had stayed at Khedi Ghat previously. Some villagers brought us food and we rested there. I was enjoying the journey. On reaching a village, our group of five travellers would split and go for collecting bhiksha separately. Though the villagers were not very rich, yet they had made arrangements at every mandir on the banks of Narmada, for ‘Sadavrat ’ (giving alms to one on parikrama ). They used to give wheat flour, salt, oil, rice and cooking utensils and sanyasis were also allowed to take cooked food from any house in the village. On the fifth day we reached Raj Ghat. From there on, the dense forest region known as ‘Sool Paneeswarea Jhadi’ starts. If the traveling devotees on a pilgrimage had any valuables, they could keep them at the village chiefs’ residence and when they reached the other side of the Narmada during parikrama , they could send a message with any boatman fishing there, and their valuables would be returned! We continued on our journey and by evening had reached the big bend in the Narmada. We spotted a small cottage and all of us reached there. An Avadhootswami in his loincloth was sitting there alone. He had nothing in the cottage except for a small fire. After we had done prostration, he asked us to go and bathe and return there to rest. When we were ready to leave for bathing he asked, “What would you like to eat at night?” I wondered about

that since there was nothing in that cottage, yet he was asking us for our requests for dinner. Swamy Budha Das was a very egocentric person. Without a second thought he said, “Dal , baati, churma .” (This was one of the famous foods of Madhya Pradesh, which wealthy people serve their guests.) I felt embarrassed at the way Budha Das behaved. But, lo! When we returned after bathing, to my wonder I saw a few clay pots full of dal, baati and churma ! I was a bit reluctant to eat, as it made me nervous. Of course it was the miracle of the Avadhoot Baba . Others had their food and I came out and sat under a tree, where a small Narmadeswar Shivaling was installed. My mind was full of fear and anxiety. By this time, the others were ready to sleep. They spread out their bed inside the cottage and slept. The Avadhoot Swami came out and sat near me. He asked me why I had not eaten even though I was hungry. I told him the truth, that I was afraid to see the pots full of food, presuming it to be a miracle. Then I asked him in all my innocence and fear, “Maharaj, when we came inside your cottage there was not even a single pot. But after returning from our baths, there were many pots full of dal, baati and churma . How was it possible?” Pointing to a small stick in his hand, he said, “Shiva is sitting here. I will show my stick to him if anyone tests me.” There was silence for a few minutes. Then the Avadhoot Maharaj said, “Even now you have not recognized me. You are my grandson. Tara told me you would be on Narmada pilgrimage. I would like to caution you on one matter. Do not travel with this group. Just like you have travelled in Tibet, be alone. The company of this group will disturb your pilgrimage.” I was wondering; it had been more than three or four years since the samadhi of my Paramaguru Nityananda Bhagavan in Ganeshpuri. But how was he here now, taking the same form? There were no limit to my foolish thoughts. Reading my mind, he said, “You are still a child. Everything is

possible. One should have belief in the Almighty, everything is possible. Everything!” He stood up and went into his cottage. I was sitting all alone and praying to my Guruji to give me a clear idea of what was going on. Following the Avadhoot Maharaj’s instruction, I decided not to continue to travel with the group. The next morning I told them that due to a stomach problem, I was unable to travel with them that day. They left in the early morning itself. After ablutions I came to the cottage. There was nobody there! I sat near the fire which was almost extinguished. I waited for my Paramaguru, Avadhoot Baba , for a long time but in vain. After some time, a villager came inside the cottage and deposited his clothes and some packed food (maybe his lunch) there. He was ready to go fishing. I asked him about the Avadhoot Maharaj . He laughed at me and said, “Maharaj, I was born and brought up in the nearby village and am now about 40 years old. I have never seen any Maharaj staying here in my life. This tapara (cottage) was made by the village fishermen. You were tired at night and probably had a dream about that maharaj .” There was no end to my wonder. Was it a dream? If so, how could I still see the empty pots and Shivalingam there? This cottage, extinguished fire? Thinking about all this, I fell asleep in that cottage. By afternoon, the fisherman villager returned to the cottage. There were three or four rotis made of bajra (millet) in his packed lunch. Before eating he asked me to take one or two rotis and some fried vegetables. In another packet, he had some fish curry too. He washed his hands again and again, and sprinkled some water on to it and offered me two rotis and vegetables. I ate it happily and decided to take rest there for the night.

The Journey for Nothingness—I

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ext day early in the morning, I resumed my journey. I was moving through a dense forest on the Narmada banks. There was no village in the vicinity. I could hear the sounds of animals very well. After a while two women and some men appeared in front of me out of nowhere. They were tribals of the forest and to my wonder, they wore only loin cloths. There were no upper and lower garments on their bodies. Coming near, they uttered, “Muk, Muk ” (stop, stop). I had been warned at Omkareshwar about the tribals, that they would come and loot the yatris . Of course I had nothing valuable other than my kappar and kamandal. They stripped my clothes one by one and took them all, and even the two small pieces of cloth and the kambal . Thank God, they spared my kappar and kamandal . They turned me into an Avadhoota without clothes and any possessions! The tribals disappeared and once again I resumed my journey. Now I was wearing only a loincloth, with a kamandal and kappar in hand. By afternoon I had reached a tribal village. As I was very hungry, I went to the village (a small village of less than ten huts) in search of food. I observed that most of them didn’t have proper clothes except for small pieces of cloth that only covered their private parts. One of the women offered me some atta (wheat flour) and I came back to the Narmada. As I had no utensils or fire to cook with, I put the Atta into my bhiksha pathra, and poured in some Narmada water and drank the mixture. I started walking again and was feeling a little shy as I was not clothed. On the banks of the Narmada I saw a small cremation ground. I thought that since it was evening, it was better to stay at this cremation ground for the night. I sat there calm and composed. There was a piece of burlap lying near a pyre (funeral fire). It seemed like a body had been

cremated a few hours ago and it was still burning. The villagers might have brought the dead body wrapped in the burlap. I picked it up as it was comfortable for me to wear. I washed it in the Narmada and laid it out to dry. Now it was almost sunset hour. I was afraid how I would spend the night here without any light. I only had the funeral fire for support. Around me there was only darkness and the sounds of wild animals. The wheat flour mixture which I had had was creating a problem in my stomach. But I was very hungry too. I saw two shadows appearing—it was that of two villagers who had come there to fish. They came there and asked me about my journey. The tribals on the banks of Narmada are called ‘Mama’ (uncle) as they consider themselves brothers of ‘Maa ’ (Mother) Narmada. Narmada is called as ‘Maa’ so mother’s brother is ‘Mama ’ (uncle). The villagers told me it would be risky to stay there alone at night, since the animals from the forest came there for drinking water, and they might attack me as they become wild when they see some person. I told them that my Guruji would take care and I opted to stay there itself, near the fire. The tribals adjusted the firewood to build up the fire. They told me that they had not come there for fishing—they had come just to adjust the fire wood. They once again cautioned that sometimes crocodiles also came to the shore and it would be more dangerous. They asked me whether I had taken any food and I told them about the atta mixing-in-water that I drank at noon. When they were ready to go back to the village, they asked me to accompany them. But I refused to go. After an hour or so I saw both the villagers return to me. I was sitting near the pyre. They came and offered me two rotis (large in size) made of bajra and a few green chillies and salt. I took it happily and the villagers said they would also stay there, as I was staying there alone that night. I told them several times that I was not afraid, but they slept near me on the sands of the Narmada. In this remote village, and unknown tribal area, nobody was near me— but who arranged for those strangers to look after me, not just provide food

but my security as well. I knew that behind all this was the hand of my Guruji . It was my Guruji alone who was arranging for my safety and food. These are the ways of sadgurus (true gurus). They will take care of their children wherever they are. Otherwise, these unknown tribals were strangers to me. Not my friends, relatives or disciples! But they had come due to the impulse of some unknown person and had taken care of my food and security. I was amazed at my Guruji’s love towards me!

The Journey for Nothingness—II

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woke up a little late in the morning. By that time the tribals had left. I saw that the burlap cloth was almost dry and that the funeral pyre had also become cold. I bathed but having no cloth to dry my body, I sat on a rock for some time to dry out the water. As I had laid out my loincloth to dry, I was now just like a new-born baby, fully naked. As it was a forest, and there was no villager nearby, I did not mind it, but was feeling a bit shy thinking perhaps the vandevatas (forest angels) were looking at me. I left that burial ground after a while, wearing the loincloth and the burlap cloth. I had a thought. What was wrong in being naked? It is the nakedness of mind and body that led one to God. I had read this somewhere but that was a just a thought only. I was not prepared to keep my body naked— though my mind was always naked. I kept nothing in my mind. As I started walking, my stomach was upset from the previous day’s wheat flour mixture. I started having diarrhoea. I had almost six or seven bowel movements within a few hours. And I had not eaten any food. My throat was dry and I felt very weak. Before sunset I reached some unknown area which was less forested and as I was tired I rested there on the banks of the river Narmada. I drank a lot of water from Narmada and lay down on the sand. As the diarrhoea continued through the night, it became very difficult for me to even sit up in the morning. I was praying to my Guruji to reverse this very bad situation. With great difficulty I got up and somehow started walking again, but the diarrhoea continued to trouble me. By noon I had reached the edge of the forest. A village, known as Hapeswar, was visible. I sat on the banks of Mother Narmada. I saw an old woman from the village coming towards me. She was carrying some

firewood on her head and came and sat near me and enquired about my parikrama . I told her about my diarrhoea problem and asked if there was any doctor available at a nearby village. With a beautiful smile (resembling my Guruji’ s smile) she said, “What can a doctor do? Just wait—I will get some medicine for you!” She disappeared into the nearby bushes and brought a few leaves and washed them in the Narmada. She then put the leaves on a stone and crushed them to a paste and mixing it with Narmada water, poured it into my kappar and asked me to drink it. I took that herbal medicine prepared by the tribal woman without any hesitation. She sat by me, loudly singing a tribal song as if she was giving some solace to my body and mind. On the other bank of the Narmada, there was a Shiv mandir. With the help of a boat man, the mandir ’s priest brought me rice, dal and vegetables and then returned to the mandir . After leaving Omkareshwar this was the first time I was getting to eat rice. (As a south Indian, I always prefer to eat rice.) That old lady was about to leave but I asked her to be with me for some more time and to share some food with me. At first she was reluctant, but when I invited her again to eat with me, she agreed. She washed her hands and shared the food with me from my kappar . This was the first time that I was allowing somebody to eat directly from my kappar . After eating the food she left. I was thinking that this woman could not be just an ordinary village woman. She must be either Maa Narmada or my Guruji in that form. As I had eaten a stomach full of rice, I felt sleepy. After an hour or so of resting there, I was ready to start moving again. Now my stomach felt much better. But a while later, my stomach started bothering me again. It was full of gas and a severe pain had also developed. The diarrhoea began again and by evening I had had more than ten bowel movements. It was around sunset. I was exhausted from the diarrhoea and stomach pain. I could see that some construction work was happening nearby and some tin sheds. A

hydroelectric dam was being constructed on the Narmada there (in the future this dam would be known as the Sardar Sarovar). I came up to the verandah of a tin shed and lay down there. A few labourers came up to me and asked me what the problem was. When I told them of my physical condition, they brought the construction engineer and the site physician. I spoke to them in English. The doctor gave me two–three tablets, asking me to take one now and the rest the next day. They also informed me that outsiders were not permitted to stay there, and if I walked fast I could reach the Soolpaneeshwar Mandir in an hour where I could rest at night. I walked for some time and reached the mandir at dark. The arathi had just ended and the priest and two sadhus also in parikrama were just about to start dinner. They asked me to join them but as I was not well I told them that I would not take any food. I just lay down on the floor of the mandir . The stomach pain increased and I again had four–five bowel movements after reaching there. The priest and sadhus were worried and were discussing among themselves if I should be taken to Kevadia colony where I could get good treatment. They asked me to go along with them. And they were ready to carry me on their shoulders. They were talking about one Narpat Bhai who had a hut near the bridge to Kevadia. Narpat Bhai and his wife had been doing seva to parikrama vasis for the last few years by offering them food, medicine and shelter. He was famous among the people doing parikrama . With the help of those two sadhus and priest, and resting my weight on their bodies, I started moving with them. On the way there also the diarrhoea continued. It took more than two hours to walk to the house of Narpat Bhai. Somehow, we managed to reach Narpat Bhai’s residence. I just lay down at his residence. It was a big thatched hut. Narpat Bhai went to Kevadia on his scooter and brought a doctor, and medications were started with an injection and saline drip.

Broken Dreams

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he next day they took me to a hospital in Kevadia colony. This colony had been made for the staff and workers employed in the dam project. Even though it was not a big colony, all facilities were available there. I was admitted into a private hospital. I was not fully conscious, yet I remember the feeling of deep sadness at having broken the sankalpa of parikrama by crossing the Narmada and thus my long-standing dream of completing Narmada parikrama was now unrealized. After three days’ stay at the hospital, I was discharged. During these three days, Narpat Bhai or his wife were always by my side. It was a wonder and an evergreen memory for me that in Gujarat, in an unknown remote area, there was someone to take care of me. These people were total strangers to me. I was only a wayside traveller and yet the way they had served me was indeed a matter of wonder! But one thing was certain, without Guru krupa all such things would never have happened. I recalled the words of my Guruji , “Wherever you are, I will be there.” In each and every step of my life, I had felt the presence of my Guruji, and even now, in every moment ‘Amma’ is with me! It took more than a month to return to normal health. I slowly started eating a little rice and yogurt. Now I could walk up to the Narmada for my morning ablutions, etc. On the other side of Narmada, after walking a few furlongs upstream, there was a school by the name of Sri Rama Krishna School, run by a swamiji from Bengal. He had come there a few years ago and had constructed a small Shiva mandir and a school. Moolshankar was the priest there. Once or twice I visited the swamiji, and whenever I met him, he would ask me to join him to stay there to look after the school. I was still staying with Narpat Bhai and his wife. They told me that they were performing the seva to people doing parikrama , under the orders of Narmada Mayee! And they were blessed with two children due to the

ashirvaad of Narmada. Narpat Bhai and wife had done parikrama for three years. He had sold all the land he owned in his parental village, and was spending it here for seva . He was also working as a driver in the state transportation department. His wife was doing seva for me when I was unable to get up or walk. I was extremely weak and she used to give me bath and feed me, and hold my hand when I tried to walk. The priest Moolshankar used to visit their house. Somehow he could not reconcile to the fact that a young woman was serving a young swami. He made distasteful comments that if such seva continued the swami would run away with the woman. When I heard this it gave me deep pain; at a time when my health was not yet back to normal. The next time when Moolshankar came over, I asked him about his comments. He told me that being a sanyasi I should not accept seva from young women. I was enraged at his comments and thrashed him again and again till Narpat Bhai came there and restrained me. The swamiji also heard the news about Moolshankar’s comments and sacked him from his job as the mandir priest. The next day Moolshankar again came to me and asked forgiveness for his mistakes. He told that he had lost his job, and that it would be difficult for him to look after his family now. I went to the swamiji with him and due to my requests, the swamiji reappointed him as priest. After a month’s stay with Narpat Bhai and family I went to the swamiji . He gladly invited me to stay there. He was quite old and was running the school, which had a good number of students and seven teachers. The school had classes up to eighth grade and was recognized by the government. The medium of instruction was English. Swamiji provided me a room for stay in the school building itself. A vaishya family (who ran a grocery shop in the nearby village) provided residence for swamiji and they were his disciples. I began taking my food with swamiji at their house as well. After a few days’ stay swamiji asked me to take charge of the school as administrator. He gave me a few kashaya

clothes too. But still something was keeping me away from getting attached to that school and to my post as administrator. But due to the affection shown to me and also in their way of dealing, I decided to take charge of the school. Only during school times did I wear the kashaya vastram given by swamiji . In the mornings and evenings I would go to the Narmada bank to sit for one or two hours of japa . A lot of work had been pending in that school and I had to set everything in order. For more than one month, I worked hard to set up the school records properly. There arose a thought in my mind to do some sadhana on the banks of the Narmada. This place was very peaceful and quiet. So one day I told the swamiji that since I was free before 10 am and after 4 pm (10 to 4 was the school time) and as I didn’t want to sit idle, I would like to start another purascharan of Srividya japa (this would be my 8th purascharan ); swamiji was very happy to hear about my will to do a japa purascharan , since he was himself a devotee of Mother and used to do daily Chandi Paath . That was his only sadhana . Even though not very wealthy, the vaishyas (with whom swamiji and I were staying) were very generous and good people. They had a scooter and the family head’s sister-in-law, Meena who was a college student in Kevadia colony began teaching me to drive a motor scooter on the school grounds in the evenings. She used to sit behind me and instructed me in riding in ten days and then swamiji helped me get a driving license. This was helpful to me in going to the market or Rajpipla (a nearby small town) for some work. One Panchami day after doing a small pooja to the Goddesses Lalitha and Narmada, I took the sankalpa of doing purascharan . Every day before sunrise I would go to the Narmada and sitting there on a flat rock, do japa till 10 am and in the evenings after school hours, I would go again to the

Narmada for japa at 5 pm. The evening japa session sometimes went on till midnight. I was very happy there. Almost a month had passed by when the swamiji received a letter from his gurubhai , and went to Bengal to meet his ailing Guruji . He gave me a power of attorney to sign the cheques and other documents. I was thinking about how even though I was trying to run away from maya , yet it was retaining its ferocious grip on me! Even though I was in charge of the school, I did not allow my work to disturb my daily japa.

Running away From Maya

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was doing my japa purascharan daily on schedule. I was also attending to the school work every day. The teachers were all very cooperative. Recently a girl had joined our school as an art teacher. She was very good-looking and used to help me in office work too. But I did not realize that it was another form of maya trying to get its clutches on me. She was slowly moving close to me. On some days she used to bring dhokhla (a type of steamed dumpling made of chickpea flour—a Gujarathi dish) for me. Even though I had lunch and dinner at the vaishya family’s house, she used to make me eat during leisure time, and one day she said, “It is my bad luck that you are a sanyasi . If not, I would have preferred to marry you! “In the preceding days I had sensed that she was in love with me, her actions and work were such. I was shocked to hear her words. Here I was, a ‘Sarva Sanga Parityaga Sanyasi’ , and this teacher here was in love with me. (One sided, of course! I had sealed off my mind to ‘kamini and kanchana’ .) I felt very bad for her and told her that if she behaved that way I would have to fire her from her job. I told the principal of the school about the girl’s words. The principal (a woman who was an ex-employee of the government) also scolded her. The next the girl again told me,—“Oh I do not know if you feel bad or good about it but I am opening my heart out to you. I love you. If you can give up sanyasa , I would definitely like to marry you!” I got angry and asked the school clerk to type up a termination letter to give the art teacher. I was about to sign the termination letter when the principal told me about her pathetic life. Neither her father nor her mother were alive and she was the only earning member of her family which consisted of her grandmother and her two younger brothers (who were going to school in Rajpipla) and she had to look after them. I called the art teacher and showed her the

termination letter. Then I tore it into pieces and threw it in the garbage. Then I told the teacher, “See, you can love me. But not as a person to satisfy your sexual desire. Become a disciple of mine. I too will love you as my daughter. So, be prepared for a deeksha . Don’t look upon me as a lover. Look to me as your Guru .” I asked her to follow me to the banks of the Narmada, where I initiated her with the Bala Mantra and returned. The principal was happy to hear about the ending to the episode. Two more months passed without much problem and my purascharan was in progress. This time it seemed that it would take more than four months, since I was not having much time available to do japa , as I did in the Himalayas. One day I received a letter from swamiji that his Guruji had attained samadhi after prolonged illness. And that the swamiji would be back by the month end. I had already made up my mind to go to Haridwar as soon as swamiji returned. Maya ’s hands were very fierce and I had to somehow get rid of them. By the end of the month swamiji returned from Bengal. I had done calculations and found that if I continued japa this way, the purascharan would be complete within 20–25 days. I returned the power of attorney and other documents to swamiji and told him about what had happened during his absence. He was happy that I was almost finishing my japa . When the japa was over, swamiji arranged for a community feeding for the school children and villagers. I told swamiji about my plans to go to Haridwar. But he was not ready to accept my proposal. Within a week after purascharan my health again turned for the worse. This time it was the same old chest pain which I had had during my stay in Makhti (Jaunsar bavar). Swamiji took me in our school bus (a 15-seat Swaraj Mazda) to Surat for a check-up. Once again there were the symptoms of a heart attack! The doctor asked me to get admitted in his hospital. But I was not willing, and came back with the prescribed medication. I came back to school, where I took rest for some days. Now I could not attend school regularly.

The art teacher (who I had initiated) helped me with daily needs during the rest of the fifteen days. I noticed now, a tremendous change in her attitude. The way she looked upon me had changed. Now she was helping me as her Guruji , not as a lover. I was happy for her—she had changed, and I assured her she would be married one day to a good person and would lead a good family life. The rest of fifteen days was over. I felt I was all right since as of now, there was no chest pain or restlessness. Only the body was weak. I was ready to leave for Haridwar. Finally after a lot of pressure, the swamiji agreed to me leaving him. There were tears in his eyes, when he permitted me to go. One of the committee members took me to Baroda by bus and purchased a railway ticket for me. I had left my kashaya clothes in the school and came away with just my gunny cloth. Yes, I was still carrying my kamandal and kappar with me, a part and parcel of my life as a sanyasi. The man who accompanied me tried giving me some money. As I didn’t have the habit of keeping money I refused it. Now the train started moving. I was on my way back to Haridwar.

Again Haridwar

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y the afternoon next day, I reached Haridwar and went directly to Sapta Sarovar. I could not get a room at the Rishi Ashram where I had lived earlier, since I was wearing a gunny cloth. One was supposed to wear kashaya to be able to stay there. I came to a nearby ashram called Ram kutir and got a room there. Krishna Malhotra (fondly called as Krishna Mataji) was very generous to offer me a room to stay there. After her Guruji’s samadhi , she was looking after the ashram . Mataji hailed from Ludhiana in Punjab. Even though I was wearing a gunny cloth, they gave me accommodation at that ashram . (Usually swamis in Avadhoota attire will never stay in ashrams .) During my stay at Ram kutir I did not go for bhiksha with the mandali . In the mornings I took bhiksha at Ram kutir and in the evenings at Virakta kutia. I met swami Shivanandaji daily. We used to go for walks along the banks of the Ganga. Once, Gopal Muni (who had earlier taught me Vedanta ) asked me to continue my lessons. I was happy to join him for classes on the Brahma sutra . Days were passing in good mood and health. One day I told Krishna Mataji that I had completed eight purascharans on Srividya shodashi mantra and would like to do it a ninth time if she permitted to do so at the ashram . Mataji happily agreed. But Shivanandaji said that it would be better to do the japa on the Ganga banks. I too felt that was right. During those days I used to take injections of Fortwin daily to treat my chest pain. In the beginning it was one or two injections. But then I got addicted to it and was taking four or five injections daily. As I had no money to purchase the medication for the injections, the manager of Ram kutir ashram, Harish, used to get them for me.

By this time Dr. Shyam Bihari had left the dispensary at Makhti (Chakrata) and joined the dispensary run by Ram kutir ashram. He also helped in supplying the Fortwin injections from his dispensary. He used to write in his records that the injections were supplied to his patients, but instead he supplied it to me. I felt that this was malpractice and asked him not to do so, and that he should give them to me only if he was willing to supply injections by purchasing them. He did so accordingly. During my stay in Kohima (Nagaland) at a project run by Vivekananda Kendra (this project at Kohima is known as Rama Krishna Society, started by Poojya [respected] Swami Ranganathanand of Ramakrishna Mission and there was a full-fledged hospital, school and other social activities) I had initiated two brahmacharis , Godan and Mohan, both from Kerala. (Later Godan passed away due to peptic ulcer in a few years at a young age.) I left the Kohima project after a few years of staying there, and the whereabouts of Mohan were unknown to me. One day a swamiji of my acquaintance brought a brahmachari to meet me. I was astonished to see that it was the same old Mohan, in yellow clothes. Now, he was known as Narayan Chaitanya (he was given this name and yellow robe by one swami in Palghat in Kerala). Narayan Chaitanya recognized me and said, “Swamiji , somebody told me that you had died due to heart problems during your Narmada parikrama , and there has been no contact between us since you left Nagaland. I have taken brahmachari deeksha and left Vivekananda Kendra and am now staying at Kerala ashram in Rishikesh.” He was happy to see me again and came to meet me at Ram kutir occasionally. Once during his visits, I told him, “Now Guru Poornima is near. I am going to initiate you into sanyasa on that day. Be ready, we shall do the sanyas sanskara on the banks of the Ganga .” It seemed like he was happy. I asked him not to worry as I would make arrangements for Viraja homam , etc. I added, “One brahmachari Narayan from the Virakta mandali (who is also from Kerala) is here in Haridwar. By his request, I will be initiating

him into sanyasa as well on that day.” I asked him to go to the forest to get a ‘palash stick’ for sanyasa sanskar . Mataji of Ramkutir arranged for a bhandara 30 on that day for the invitees (sadhus/sanyasis ). One day before the sanyas sanskara , Madanlal from Jammu (where the construction work of the ashram was going on) also came to meet me. One of my friends, Udasi Swami, was staying in a small kutia (hut) on the banks of the Ganga. He had an akhanda dhuni (‘eternal flame’, or incessantly burning fire) and with this Udasi swamiji’s permission we performed viraja homam at his dhuni and in the early hours of Guru Poornima day at the Ganga ghat of Sapta Sarovar, I initiated both brahmacharis into sanyasa. These two were my first sanyasi disciples. One was given the name of Swami Omkaranand Tirth and the other Swami Pranavanand Tirth (this Pranavanand left me the day after sanyasa initiation towards the mandali and till today his whereabouts are not known). Omkarananda stayed with me. After few days we decided we needed a small parnasala (hut made of leaves) on the banks of the Ganga . Udasi Swamiji showed me an old parnasala near his kutia , and we repaired it with leaves, and Omkarananda and I started staying there. For bhiksha Omkarananda would go to the mandali while I had it at Ram kutir. My injection habit was still continuing. Omkarananda felt uncomfortable about this habit. But I did not know how to come out of it. I used to teach Omkarananda the Upanishad s every day. In the early morning I had a habit of taking tea. I didn’t have money to buy it from a tea stall and even if I did it would not look good to take tea from a stall. As the sanyasis there were very orthodox, they would not regard us well. Even then Omkarananda used to bring tea for me from the tea shop every morning in his kamandal (made of steel). I was enjoying the stay on the Ganga banks and days passed thus uneventfully.

I was planning to return to the old mandali of sadhus. Madan Lal informed me that the construction work was progressing and asked me to go with him. But I was reluctant to go to the village where the ashram was being constructed. Leaving Omkarananda at Sapta Sarovar, one day I left for the mandali (which was in Punjab then) with Shivanandaji.

Aimless Journey

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y frame of mind changed on reaching Ludhiana, and I told Shivanandaji that I was not interested in going to the mandali, as I wished to go elsewhere. Shivanandaji had always been very cooperative, and understood my feelings. He left for the mandali at Phagwara, towards Ludhiana, while I too left for the bus stand. I had no particular place in mind to go to. At the bus stand I spotted a Rajasthan State Road Transport Corporation (S.R.T.C.) bus getting ready to leave for Jaipur. I felt like I should go to Jaipur and from there on to Pushkar. As usual I didn’t have money on me. I approached the bus conductor and told him that I had no money and wanted to go to Pushkar. He was a very helpful soul. Taking some amount from his pocket he bought me a ticket to Jaipur. And the aimless journey had now begun. He also offered me food on the way, when the bus stopped for lunch at a dhaba (roadside eatery) in Haryana. The journey was quite long, with the bus passing through Delhi towards Jaipur. We reached Jaipur late at night. The bus conductor guided me to another bus going to Pushkar via Ajmer. He spoke to the conductor of the bus, who also agreed to take me to Pushkar even though I was unable to pay. The next morning I reached Pushkar. I went to a nearby ashram (Dasnam Sanyas Ashram) to seek accommodation. To my surprise, Swami Maneeshanand (who was previously at Chinmaya Mission) was in-charge of the ashram . We were known to each other from earlier days. He gladly offered me accommodation there. I went around Pushkar, and visited Brahmaji Mandir and other places. I stayed there for a few days. Swami Maneeshanand had long been a good friend. His guru bhai was also staying there who was a very calm and composed swamiji. One day after dinner, all of us along with a few

brahmacharis , sat down for a discussion on our experiences along the spiritual path. During the conversation one of the brahmacharis spoke unkindly to the guru bhai of Swami Maneeshanand. The brahmachari in his rage was about to hit that swami . I felt hurt and angry as well. Picking up a shoe lying on the verandah , I hit him several times till Maneeshanand saved him from my anger. My mood was very disturbed. I got ready to leave Pushkar, and the two other swamijis (one known as Mithaiwala Baba and one as Meghanananda Puri also joined me. As there was a train from Ajmer to Omkareshwar we opted to go there. One of the swamjis paid for the rail fares and we started from there on a meter gauge train. By next day afternoon we had reached Markandeya Sanyas Ashram (of Swami Ramanand Saraswati) where I had stayed before my first failed Narmada parikrama. I narrated to Swamiji about how I had failed in my journey of parikrama . With Swamiji’ s permission I stayed there for one day and told him about my intention to restart the parikrama once again. Since it was the rainy season, swamiji didn’t agree to this proposal. Some of the other inmates were planning on a south India pilgrimage. That idea also attracted me. They were going to go by train to Andhra Pradesh and Tamil Nadu, to visit famous temples there. Even though I didn’t have money with me, I too wanted to accompany them. Swami Arghyananda (who was a renunciate from Sri Ramakrishna Mission) was the Kothari (in charge of the store and money) of that ashram. We used to sit daily on the banks of the Narmada and sing ghazaIs or bhajans and had become good friends. One day I told him of my will to travel to the South on pilgrimage. Hearing this, he gave me Rs. 2,000 and now my mind was made up on traveling with the two swamijis , starting with the destination of Tirupathi. One day we purchased our railway tickets and commenced the journey to the South.

Somehow my mind was not adjusting to these two swamijis. We travelled together up to Hyderabad and then I told them that I wanted to part ways and would like to continue on my journey alone. They went to visit Hyderabad while I sat at the railway station waiting for a train to Tirupathi scheduled to leave at night. I reached Tirupathi in the morning. I was left with nearly Rs. 1,500 after paying the rail fare. I was visiting Tirupathi for the first time, and somehow after wandering for a few hours, I found a place to stay in one of the Vaishnav mutts (name was probably Hathi Ram mutt). I rested there well for two days.

Journey in South (In Tirumala)

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his was the first time I was visiting Tirumala. Being a shakta , there was in my mind some aversion to visit Vaishnav temples. But since I was on an unplanned and impromptu pilgrimage to the South, I thought to myself that now that I was here, I must first visit the famous Venkateshwara Mandir too. In those days my Advaita experiences had not yet matured fully, and though I had read about the theory of ‘Oneness’, I had not quite digested it. I had known and experienced only the Shakti Tatva during my sadhana . To be frank, I was reluctant to go to Tirupathi or Guruvayur, as I used to visit only Shiva–Shakti mandirs . Anyway starting from Tirupathi, I began climbing the hills. Slowly and steadily, while resting along the way, I climbed the hills. I considered it like a picnic, not a pilgrimage. People passing me were chanting “Govinda, Govinda .” By sunset I had reached Tirumala. There was heavy rush of crowds in and around the famous hill shrine. I went to get in line and it took more than three hours to reach in front of the garbha griham (sanctum sanctorum). Without any feeling of devotion I just did pranams and came out in a hurry. The hue and cry of devotees had irritated me very much. I decided to walk down to Tirupathi. Since I was hungry I went to have some food at the Annadanam place. Some of the priests gave me a ticket for food. I felt tired after taking the heavy meal, and went in search of a place to rest. Near the temple I saw the signboard of the Hathi Ram mutt, and I got accommodation there. I was given a room, and it seemed like it had not been cleaned for years. I managed to clean up the room a bit and slept there. At night, some Vaishnav swamis came up and asked me to join them for dinner. As the lunch had been heavy, I declined the offer. I sat on the verandah , looking at the temple. An old lady was lying down on the verandah near me. After some time she sat up and said something in what

sounded like the Telugu language. When I told her I could not understand what she was saying, she spoke to me in Hindi with an accent. The old lady said, “Tirumala is Bhooloka Vaikuntam . 31 Be happy and proud that you are here.” I said, “I don’t have any feeling other than aversion to Vaishnavas , as I am a pure Shakta of Kerala.” She laughed and said, “You look like a sanyasi of the Adi Shankara order! You are supposed to be an Advaiti . 32 You should not have any type of discrimination between Shakti –Shiva and Vishnu . Dvaita bhava (duality in beliefs) will not give you salvation.” She was then silent for a moment. I was amazed to hear these words from a lady looking like a beggar. She smiled as if she had read my mind, and then spoke again, “Son, cast away this duality of mind. Shiva is Vishnu and Vishnu is Shiva. And moreover your Mother (Lalitha Tripura Sundari 33 ) is none other than the sister of Venkateswara.” (Venkateswara is Vishnu, and one of Mother’s one thousand names in the Lalitha Sahasranamam is ‘Padmanabha Sahodari’ or ‘sister of Vishnu’.) She concluded by saying, “In the morning, you must once again visit the Lord. You will realize this truth.” Then walked away into the crowd near the temple. I was a little confused—who was this lady, was she my Guruji ? Or was she Padmavathi (consort of Venkateshwara)? I felt ashamed of myself and the egoic feeling of being a Shakta that I had always had in my mind. I could hardly sleep that night—I sat all night long on the verandah and thinking about what had happened! The temple bells rang in the early hours, and after bathing, I went for my second visit to see Lord Venkateshwara. Now it was not so crowded. The line of devotees moved slowly and in an hour or so, I reached in front of the idol of Venkateswara in sanctum sanctorum. One of the priests asked me to stand by the corner and have the darshan. And lo and behold! When I looked at the idol, it was not the idol of Venkateshwara—but I saw my ‘Ishta Devi’ (Maha Tripura Sundari’s idol) there. My body was shivering. One of the priests gave me some chandan (sandalwood powder) and tulsi

(holy basil) leaves. My eyes were full of tears and my mind humbled at my duality-based thoughts and my aversion to Vaishnavism. My ears were hearing too, as if coming from a distance, chants of the Lalithasahasranam . I saw the faces of Bhu Devi and Sri Devi , looking and smiling at me. Was this all a dream? I was in wonderment, sweating and my tears flowing. The priest showed me the way out. In an altered mood, I came out of the temple and sat near the verandah where the prasadam was being distributed. Somebody brought me a laddu which I ate with all devotion. Now the aversion was wiped out. My mind had become very light. I came out and walked towards Hathi Ram mutt. I had walked but a few steps when I heard a woman’s voice behind me, “Is the darshan over?” I turned around to see the woman who had spoken to me the previous night. I stepped back, touched her feet, and did pranams. She said, “Son, of course all this was not a dream as you imagine. All are one. We call it by different names and worship in different forms. In principle, everyone is one—the one energy which you call ‘Shakti’. Keep this in your consciousness, wherever you are, and the energy can be experienced always.” Once again I did pranams to her. Now I was certain that the woman was none other than my Guruji Avadhoot Tara Mayee , in that form.

Kalahasthi/Pakshi Teerth

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had set out towards an aimless journey in south India. But I was also experiencing a strong urge to go to the Mookambika temple to visit my Guruji. I was in a dilemma. Leaving Tirupathi I reached Kalahasthi by evening and directly went to the temple there and had darshan of Lord Shiva and mother goddess (Gyana Prasoonamba ) and then tried to look for a place to stay. There was an ashram near the temple, but they were reluctant to give me a room or food. I then returned to the gopuram 34 and sat there when a devotee appeared in front of me and offered a packet of Pulyodhara prasadam (spiced tamarind rice offering to deity). And of course, I was hungry too. My pocket was also gradually getting emptier through paying train and bus fares or eating at small hotels. I stayed near the gopuram. Another swami was sleeping there too. He started talking to me in Telugu and when I told him that I was not a local, he spoke in Hindi and gave me information about Pakshi Teertham and Srisailam. Down below the hills of Pakshi Teertham, there was a very small village-type kasba . I reached there between meal times, so I sat in a small tea shop and had some tea and vada . There was a photo of Swamy Ayyappa behind the hotel owner’s table, and a small lamp was lit. Upon seeing this I was quite certain that this owner was from Kerala. I asked him to confirm. Oh, he was indeed from Kerala and was very happy that a swami from Kerala was in his shop. He offered me a stay at his shop that night. In the night, after he had closed the shop, both of us sat to have dinner. His wife was a local, who had picked up a few Malayalam words. Keshavan Nair, the owner of the tea stall, had left Palghat, Kerala, a few years back in search of a job and destiny had brought him here. He had set up a small tea

shop which had grown to a small hotel after a few years of laborious work. He had married a local woman, who was a widow. He told me, “We are both alone and with no children. I never returned to Kerala. Recently my sister’s son has joined me to help run this hotel.” Keshavan Nair told me about Pakshi Teertham. Every day after naivedyam, the temple priest would keep a ball of rice as an offering to ‘Garuda’ and at exactly at the same time every day the bird would reach there and eat it. I didn’t think this was unusual, since if you are ready to feed any animal/bird every day at a particular time, it will come every day at that time. I had observed this during my stay with my Guruji in Mookambika. I did not think this had any spiritual or religious importance or significance. My analytical mind refused to believe the story and when I conveyed my theory to Keshavan Nair he may have felt bad. Next day, after ablutions and breakfast of some idlis , Keshavan Nair came up with me to the hills to witness the bird’s arrival and eating the offering. I saw a few devotees climbing the broken steps on the hills. At about 11 or so, we reached there and sat waiting under a small tree. Nair told me not to go near the place where the priest offered naivedyam , since if the Garuda saw me, I might be cursed or attacked. Around noon the priest brought two big rice balls and placed them on a rock on top of the hill. A few devotees were sitting around to witness the arrival of Garuda. After a few minutes, we saw a huge vulture (from the Garuda family) appear like an airplane and landing near the rice ball, the bird ate it. I felt no wonder about this at all. I asked Keshavan Nair about the route to Srisailam. I was told that there was a bus from Kalahasthi to Srisailam in the evening and that I could reach there by the next day morning. Now I had to return to Kalahasthi to take the bus. We climbed down and had some coffee from Nair’s shop and I

got ready to go the Kalahasthi by a local bus. Keshavan Nair gave me Rs. 500 for my journey and as I was running out of money I accepted it and went to Kalahasthi to board the bus to Srisailam.

Srisailam

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reached Srisailam in the morning around 8 am. The journey in the night had been through forests. I felt tired and went around looking for accommodation in an ashram or dharmasala . I was surprised to see name boards of dharmasalas, in the name of communities. I saw that the communities of Brahmins , Reddys , Vaishyas , Yadavas and so many other others as well were running their own dharmasalas. Not anywhere during my journeys in the last few years had I ever noticed dharmasalas meant exclusively for their own communities. I could not find a single dharmasala where I could accommodate myself—since I never considered myself as belonging to any particular community or sect, be it Brahmin, Kshatriya or Vysya community. I belong to the manava (human) community. There were no dharmasalas for ‘manava’ in Srisailam! On seeing the signboard of Sringeri Shankar mutt, I went there to seek accommodation, but the manager of that mutt started questioning me about my ‘poorvashram’ and ‘sanyas ashram’ details. I felt that it was like the father of a marriageable girl asking for ‘horoscope details’ from the prospective groom’s father before marriage. I was angry with him, and asked, “Do you not recognize me as a sanyasi of Adi Shankara order, by my dress and name? Why then do you ask for my horoscope details? If you have some place for me here, then go ahead and give me accommodation. Else just say no!” He said they accommodated only ‘Dandi Swamis’ 35 and asked me where my dand (a long staff) was. I was enraged at his way of deciding and differentiating between swamis. Whether he be a ‘Dandi ’ or a ‘Paramahamsa’ , a sanyasi is a sanyasi. I came out of the mutt without another word and went to the mandir gate. Near the gopuram I saw old dharmasala-type rooms made of stones on both sides of the road leading to the mandir.

I kept my belongings there. Some devotees were staying in some of the open rooms of that dharmasala. Of course some of the rooms where also permanently occupied by beggars. I noticed another parivrajaka sanyasi (a wandering monk) sitting in front of the open room. I went near him. He was from North India and on a pilgrimage to the south. He had already visited most of the South Indian temples since he had covered Kerala, Tamil Nadu, Karnataka and Andhra! And now he was going to return to the north with a bad opinion about the temple priests and ashram authorities of south, since he was denied food or shelter in most of the pilgrim places. It was my experience as well. In South India, parivrajaka swamis will not get food or shelter in most of the mandirs and the annakshetras are also divided by caste or creed. Sanyasis belong to no caste or creed. So they do not get food or accommodation in satrams 36 or ashrams. I kept my belongings (except for the kappar , kamandal , a pair of clothes and a kambal , I had nothing else) near the North Indian swami and had a lovely bath with the public water supply faucet by the road side. Then we both went for darshan, and as it was not crowded, it was easy to get darshan in a few minutes. At the ‘jyotirIinga darshanam ’ I had no reactions, but when I had darshan before the idol of Devi Bhramaramba (an incarnation of Mother Goddess), I failed to control my emotions. It felt like I was in standing in front of Mookambika. I feel this type of emotion whenever, and wherever I visit a temple of the Mother Goddess. Whether she be Mookambika, Chottanikara Bhagavati , Kodungalur Bhagavati , Vaishno Devi , or Nayana Devi —my emotions are always the same! I see everywhere the living deity, not an idol made of stone. And of course, I know this feeling was due to the kripa or grace of my guru, the living embodiment of karuna (compassion), love and everything to me. I came out of the mandir and sat on the verandah and the North Indian swami was also

near me. He was relating his visit to Tiruvannamalai near Madras, and insisted that I must visit the Agni Lingam and Ramana Maharshi Ashram and the Arunachal hill too. Those days, there used to be a bus at night to Madras from Srisailam and I decided to take that bus.

Arunachala Shiva

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t was not a very difficult journey to Tiruvannamalai. This place is very well known all over the world because of Ramana Maharshi. I reached Tiruvannamalai around noon via Madras by bus. I went around the mandir and had darshan of the Arunachaleswara lingam and then went out in search of a place to stay for a couple of days. I failed to get an accommodation at Ramana Ashram and finally I met a swami whom I had known from my Gangotri days and he was ready to accommodate me in his hut at Mulappal Tirtham. Swami Madhurananda was a good person, who not only accommodated me, but took me around Tiruvannamalai. The next day I did a ‘Giri Pradakshina ’ of Arunachala hill, which is known as ‘Dakshina Kailash ’ (Kailash of the South). In the evening I went alone to climb the hill to visit the caves where Ramana Maharshi had stayed. It was almost dark when I reached the top of the hill. I could hardly move because of the darkness. I sat on a flat rock, and decided to stay there for the night. There was total silence in and around me. In the full darkness, and all alone, chanting my Guru Mantra I sat on the rock. It seemed that sitting there I must have dozed off, for a sound woke me up. I could easily see an old man in white robes, standing near me. He spoke to me in Tamil (I could understand Tamil as it is not much different from my mother tongue Malayalam). The old man told me that it was not at all advisable to stay there at night all alone, and that it was better to go down the hills and stay at some Gopuram. He was ready to show me the way down. But my mind was questioning me. I was never afraid of being alone in the Himalayas, so why would I be afraid here? I told the old man that I was

prepared to do my japa the whole night all alone there and was not afraid as my Guruji was always there to take care of me. I rejected his proposal to go down to some gopuram for staying the night. Around the Giri Pradakshina Veedhi there are many Gopurams or sheds made of big stones, where wandering monks used to stay at night. The old man seemed unhappy that I had not appreciated his proposal, and he disappeared into the darkness. I sat on the rock and continued my japa till sunrise. Then I went to Madhurananda Swami who was worried about me as he didn’t know where I had gone at night. I stayed in Tiruvannamalai for three days and everyday took bhiksha standing in a line with beggars, swamis and pilgrims. On all those three days I did the Giri Pradakshina. Now I had about 800 rupees with me. I had plans in mind to go to Thanjavoor, Kumbhakonam, Swamimalai, Kanchi, Madurai, etc. but as the pocket was getting empty I decided to go back to the north after visiting Dharmasthala. Swami Madhurananda also agreed to this. So, on the fourth day I left for Madras for my onward journey to Dharmasthala. But at the Madras bus stand, I changed my mind and went to railway station instead to find out about the trains going to the north. The Dharmasthala yatra got postponed and I purchased a ticket to Delhi and boarded a train.

Back to Haridwar

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n the evening of the second day, I reached Haridwar and went to Sapta Sarovar. I had decided while I was on the train that this time I would not depend on any ashram for my stay. In the past few years of staying in ashrams or temples I had got accustomed to little comforts. I had forgotten the words of my Guruji to not depend on existing ashrams for stay or food as she would take care of my needs. I went directly to the Sapta Sarovar, to reach the hut in which Omkarananda and I had stayed previously. Now it was occupied by some other sadhus so I went to ‘ghat number 10’ (this ghat number 10 is very important for sanyasis as here the dead bodies of sadhus are given jal Samadhi). Under a big tree there, I kept my asan and decided to stay. I was left with a balance of Rs. 450, which I didn’t want to keep with me. So I went to my old friend Udasi Swami, who was staying in the hut where I had done viraja homa to initiate Omkarananda, and handed over the amount to him. I told that Udasi swami (who was known as ‘Muni’) that I would be staying under the tree at ‘ghat number 10’. He was glad to see me. I slept under the tree on the banks of Ganga. To my wonder, the next morning, Krishna Mataji of Ram kutir came to meet me and insisted that I stay at the Ram kutir with her. But I was reluctant to go to any ashram for stay. I agreed though to take bhiksha daily from Ram kutir ashram, and Mataji was happy. I was disappointed that I had wasted time on an aimless journey to the South and decided to start my next ‘purascharan’ (this would be the tenth time) of Srividya shodashi mantra . I told Krishna Mataji that I would take some milk and fruits from her ashram as bhiksha, as I was beginning my japa purascharan the next day.

It was almost the onset of winter. Mataji gave me a kambal and a plastic sheet to spread out for my asan, which I could use for sleeping as well. The next day, some swamijis of acquaintance came over to invite me to stay at Ram kutir or Virakta kutia, for the winters at Haridwar are very harsh. However, I humbly requested them to not disturb me as I was going to start my japa sadhana the next day. This time around, I wanted to complete my ‘japa sankhya’ in three months. Navaratri was now over (October) and by Makara Sankranti 37 (January) I should have completed my japa. In January it might be difficult to survive the cold wind in Haridwar in an open place. The next morning I made my ‘sankalp’ and started the japa. Every day around noon, I would go to Ram kutir for my bhiksha of milk and fruit. The rest of the time, I did japa sitting under the tree, looking at the flow of Ganga. I used to do japa for more than 15 hours daily. I tried to avoid the visits of sadhu friends. Daily after bhiksha at noon, I would sleep for some time (about an hour or so) and then bathe and do japa till late night. This japa anushtan (firm conviction to do japa and mantra recitation a prescribed number of times) was one of the best ones that I ever did. I had different experiences at that ghat during my stay. One of the sadhus I knew told me it would be dangerous to stay at that ghat number 10 at night, as this place was said to be haunted by ghosts. A sanyasi who did not attain moksha (salvation) may appear there as a ghost and disturb me. I did not mind his words for I was not afraid of ghosts since I was doing Srividya japa. Moreover, my Guruji’s presence was with me always; that was my firm belief! Late one night while doing japa I noticed an old sadhu appear near me. He was in kashaya robe, with a white beard and not much hair on his head. Usually no sadhus would come at that time of night. I was gripped with fear. He came near and after doing pranams, asked my permission to sit

near me! I thought to myself, “Okay, what was wrong in that?” I permitted him to do so and he sat to my left, gazing at me. He asked me to chant my mantras loudly so as he could hear me. When I asked him why, he said “Baba , if you chant the Srividya Mantra loudly, I will definitely get salvation from this preta yoni (ghost state after death). Now I was terrified. One preta aatma (a spirit that has unfinished business in this world) was sitting near me! And it needed my mantra sounds for its salvation? My friend sadhus had warned me already. But because of my mistake in not heeding to them I now had to face this dangerous situation. And now there was no other way other than to obey the order of the ‘ghost swami’! I chanted my japa loudly and sometime later, to my amazement, the ghost swami did pranams to me and jumped into the Ganga. I was sweating in fear, even in that cold winter.

Life at Ghat Number 10

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he japa purascharan was going on very well. It was only rarely that some of the known sadhus were visiting me. Due to lack of proper food my body was once again becoming weak. During those days I was having only milk and fruit once a day. One day just as I was lying down to take rest under the tree in the afternoon after my morning session of japa, I heard the sound of someone calling out to me. Opening my eyes, I saw a sadhu in kashaya, with a long stick in one hand and a kamandal in the other, standing near me. He had long matted hair and a white beard. I looked at the stranger who started talking, “Son, though you may not know me, I have known you very well from the first day of your spiritual journey. I know how much you are depressed at not being able to reach Gyanganj. I am Bhruguram Paramahamsa. I am coming from Gyanganj with a message from Mahatapa Guruji. You need not be depressed at this never-ending journey of yours. After completing your purascharan return to your ashram in Jammu. In a short period you will get a chance to go to the Himalayas again. Go and have the darshan of Kailash Manasarovar.” I was amazed! This was not a dream. I had once heard my Guruji talk about Bhruguram Paramahamsa, who was a senior guru. This swami could be my ‘Paratpara Guru’ (i.e., my Guruji’s Guruji). Swami added with a smile, “You have to scale to higher heights in your spiritual path, don’t look back and proceed without thinking about what happened in the past. Remember one thing: never, never reveal yourself till you reach the destination. Hide your identity till you reach the stage of an Avadhoota ! Remember the message of our great Mahatapa Guruji. Go back to your ashram after completing your anushtan and then

wait for the time to go to Kailash. One day of course, you will get a chance to go to Gyanganj too.” Swamiji turned back and walked away quickly. I wanted to ask about my sadhana, but he had disappeared into the distance. Of course it was not a dream. This was in the daytime, around 2 pm. I was not sleeping. I remembered my Guruji’s words, “Every moment the Guru mandala is watching you. Don’t worry about your progress in spiritual life. They will take care of it. Understand and obey their instructions. You will reach your goal.” Yes, these are the ways of great gurus. They are always watching their children. I am a young boy in front of the great gurus. There are likelihoods of slipping on this path of spirituality. According to the shastras , the path of spirituality is like walking on the edge of a sword. I know it and have experienced it. Several times have I come out of occasions that were making me fall into the clutches of maya , and every time the Guru Mandala has saved me and shown me the right path. All these incidents were in my destiny. Only the destined happens. If the ‘pyre’ within a sadhu burns properly, (the ‘pyre’ to reach the ultimate reality), our Guru Mandala will definitely take care of it. I was filled with a new energy in my body/mind/intellect, with the mere vision of a great guru of my parampara . Winter started in all ferocity. I had only two kambals, one for spreading and one for covering my body. And I was content with what I had. Some of the swamis who I knew told me to go to a room to stay during winter. But as usual, my mind was very reluctant to do so. If I continued my japa at that speed, I could finish in a month or so. I had no calendar or panchang 38 to track dates. But using pebbles for counting days, I knew that it was now the middle of December. I was ready to face anything adverse during the japa as I was sure nothing would happen since my Guruji was

taking care of me. My mind was filled with an inexplicable happiness. Some times during japa I used to lose my body consciousness. Then the japa mala (a string of prayer beads) in my hand would fall down, and I would be in trance for hours together. One day during the stage of trance, I had a rare experience of a big fish coming out of water and reaching for me. It was of golden colour and with beautiful eyes. Staring at me, the fish spoke, “Maharaj , you have no idea who you are! But I know. Hurdles will come. Don’t be afraid!” The fish jumped into the Ganga and reappeared, looked at me for few seconds from the shore, and jumped again into the Ganga. I was wondering what was happening all around me. Who was this fish and what was the meaning behind the words? I tried to contemplate on this. I was drifting into trance more often and found it difficult to walk to Ram kutir for milk or fruits. Due to the trances, I decided to stay put there, and subsist only by drinking only Gangajal for a few days

Life at Ghat Number 10 Continues

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s I had grown too weak to walk up to Ram kutir (about one or two furlongs’ distance), I stopped going there for my daily bhiksha of milk and fruits. Now I was depending only on Gangajal . I remembered the vision of my Guruji who had appeared before me and told me strictly not to do any sadhana without food. Even though I had not taken any sankalp of fasting, I was forced to do so as I was too weak to walk. On the first evening itself, Krishna Mataji came to the ghat to enquire what had happened to me as I had not gone to take the bhiksha of milk and fruit that day. When she realized I was unable to walk due to weakness, she arranged to send me milk and fruits daily through Mishra, a watchman at the ashram . She pressured me to go to Ram kutir and continue japa , but I refused the offer due to my stubbornness of not wanting to change a decision once made. Mishra brought my bhiksha daily. Krishna Mataji used to mix some honey (to give me more energy) with milk and she increased the quantity of milk too. The winter was very harsh and the cold wind from the Ganga made me shiver. The cold in the Upper Himalayas is of a different intensity, and here on the banks of Ganga, with nothing proper to cover my body except a woollen blanket, it felt like the rough wind was penetrating my body and touching my very bones. But I decided that no matter what happened I must complete my japa anushtan sitting only over there. I learned from a visiting sadhu that there was a discussion going on in the mandala about my tapas in winter on the banks of Ganga. That swami was familiar to me from my days of stay in the mandali . He hailed from Punjab, and was a good person and service-oriented. He returned to me again in the evening, bringing along two other swamis from Virakta kutia. They brought a lot of firewood in large pieces, and made a fire near my

asan. Another dhuni for me. It was very helpful to me to escape the biting cold. Sitting in front of the dhuni , I recalled the day I had made a fire for my Guruji on the steps of Ramakrishna Yogashram in Mookambika. Now my Guruji had arranged fire for me through some unknown swamis . This is the way of gurus . They will definitely repay the sevas accepted from a disciple or devotee. In that burning fire, I could see the loving smile of my Guruji and with that vision again I went into a trance. I was in trance the whole night sitting by the fire. But to my wonder, even though I never rearranged the firewood in the night, the fire had continued burning throughout night. In the morning when I was out of trance and back to normalcy, I could see that some new firewood had been put in the fire which no one could have done, since there was nobody near me. I was all alone at night. Now it was crystal clear to me that if one does sadhana with a staunch sankalpa and firm belief, the Guru will take care of every moment. In the last few days I had stopped bathing due to weakness. Now that I had a fire near, I felt better and wanted to take a bath that day. When Mishra came with bhiksha , I asked him to help me take a bath. He arranged the firewood well to make a roaring fire. I had a bath with his help and went back to my asana. The japa sadhana was near conclusion. Krishna Mataji came one day and informed me that it would be Makar Sankranti after three days and by that time my 90 days would also be over. She was arranging for a bhandara (common feeding of sadhus) as my japa would conclude and my fruit and milk diet would also end on that day. On Makara Sankranti morning I concluded my japa. But I was reluctant to go to the ashram, as some emotions were prevailing in my mind as I was leaving the asan and banks of Ganga, which had accommodated

me for three months. With the help of Mishra I walked slowly towards Ram kutir after doing pranams to Ganga Mata , and to my Guru Mandala .

Towards Kailash Via Jammu

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stayed at Ram kutir for a few more days. Due to having stayed in an open place and not eaten proper food in three months, my body had grown weak. Krishna Mataji looked after me like a loving mother, and would feed me with almonds and milk which helped me regain my health. One day Madanlal, from the village where the ashram work was in progress, came to meet me. He insisted that I accompany him to the village as the kutia work was almost at completion and I could now stay there without any disturbance. I remembered the words of Swamy Bhruguram Paramahamsa instructing me to go to the ashram and await the day of journey to Manasarovar, Kailash. I agreed to go with Madanlal and the next day we started by bus towards Pathankot. The kutia was constructed well. Of course, it was only suitable for a sanyasi. Flooring work needed to be completed and temporarily the floor was finished with cow dung paste as was normal in rural areas. I started staying there. Even though the construction work of the temple hall was still in progress, as the villagers had already installed the idol, I preferred to stay in the hall in front of Maa , overlooking an open courtyard. Now, this was January and winter here was worse than that at Haridwar. Kaushalya used to bring my daily bhiksha and then one day we rearranged the system by allocating the days to seven different houses. Whatever they brought was first offered as naivedyam to the deity before I accepted it as bhiksha in my kappar . One Brahmin from the village, Maya Rama, used to come in the early hours to do pooja daily and he also did sandhya arathi in the evenings. Villagers used to call him ‘Poojariji’ . I was considering forming a committee of the villagers to look after the temple and the proposed ashram. A panchayat was called and a committee of seven people constituted with Madanlal as head of the committee. Every day I would

have a lot of villagers visiting me and they would simply sit and chitchat on various matters, and I wanted to make use of that time for satsang . But I had another plan in mind as well. I told the villagers that I was prepared to go to different houses for Chandi Paath and whatever offerings were made in front of the Chandi Paath vedi (altar), were to be used for the construction work. A list was made and this new venture started from the next day onwards. Paramanand and a few other villagers used to accompany me to the houses when the Chandi Paath was arranged. I carried a Sri Yantra and a photo of Vaishno Devi to each house and arranged a simple vedi decorated with a few flowers, lit the lamp and started Chandi Paath . The family members of the house and a few of their relatives as well as some neighbours used to be there to witness the Chandi Paath . There were two advantages to this—first that I could study the life of each family, and second that whatever offerings were collected could be used for ashram construction. On some days the offerings were 50 or 60 rupees and some days 200 to 500. I was not very particular about the money. Paramanand handled this, as he was the treasurer of the managing committee of the ashram. One day a poor old woman came to where I was doing Chandi Paath . She was a widow and a non-Brahmin. She requested me to do Chandi Paath at her house too. Being a non-Brahmin, she was afraid to ask. Some of the villagers objected to my going to her house for the Paath. I told her that the following Tuesday I would go to her house, and not only do the Chandi Paath, but take bhiksha from her as well. Her happiness knew no limits. On Tuesday there were only three villagers with me when I went to her residence. There was Paramanand, his sister Kaushalya and another Brahmin boy named Ashok, in addition to me. I felt unhappy about the narrow-mindedness of the villagers. The poor old lady offered 11 rupees after the Paath. She had already prepared some rice, dal and chilly chutney

for my bhiksha , and all of us including Paramanand, Kaushalya and Ashok took food from that old non-Brahmin lady. She had tears in her eyes while she was serving me food. In the evening, a few village elders (all Brahmins) came to me very angrily and said that they had decided to boycott me and that in the future they would not be cooperating with me in any way. I did not try to convince them, but said, “Look, Maa Vaishno Devi dwells in everybody, not just only in the bodies of Brahmins. Being a sanyasi , I know that what I am doing is correct. If you are not cooperating with me, it is your will and pleasure. But I dislike your mentality of discrimination. If any devotee of Maa calls me, even a Muslim, I will definitely go and do Chandi Paath . I care the least about your age-old superstitions.” They left me without any comment, but after few days I learned that a group opposing me was being formed. Omkarananda was with the mandali in Nepal those days. One day I received a letter from him that the mandali was planning to go to Kailash Manasarovar yatra from Nepal. The head of the mandali, Swami Viswatmanand, wanted me to join them. I remembered again the words of Bhruguram Paramahamsa. I discussed with the committee members of my plan to go to Nepal and then to Kailash with the mandali and they all seemed to be happy. I told them that I would be leaving them within a day or two. Most of them contributed funds towards my journey which totalled more than Rs. 6,000. I kept only Rs. 1,000 with me and gave the balance to Paramananda for use towards construction work. I left the village next day for Haridwar—enroute to Nepal.

Nepal, Pasupathy

I

stayed in Haridwar for a day to enquire about the route to Nepal. The next day I took a train to Lucknow and from there a bus to Sonali. Sonali is on the Nepal border. I reached there on the evening of the second day and caught a bus to Kathmandu (the capital of Nepal). Even at that point I was not well equipped with warm clothes. I carried a woollen blanket on my shoulder and a small shoulder bag with a pair of clothes and my permanent companions, my kamandal and kappar! Sonali is a small border village with a few shops and I accommodated myself on the verandah of a small tea shop. The shop was closed, but I noticed a fire still burning on the cooking range in the shop. Through the whole night I sat near the cooking range, covering my body with the blanket. The next day by noon I had reached Kathmandu. I saw a few sadhus sitting near a dhuni in a tin shed near the Pasupatinath Temple. They directed me to the building where the mandali was staying. Viswatmanandji and other sadhus were happy that I was going to be with them. Viswatmanandji told me that it would take ten more days more to start as we had to wait for preparing some papers for the yatra. I was meeting Omkarananda after a long time. He was not inclined to go to Kailash, but willing to go to Haridwar and stay there. I did not object as it was his will whether to go to Kailash or not. After two days Omkarananda left for Haridwar with another sadhu . A few of the swamis of the mandali known to me from my previous time in the mandali—Narayanananda, Srinivasananda, Sandrananda, Prasad, Satyananda and Ramu—were there now.

PASUPATINATH The next day I visited Pasupatinath and Guhyeshwari temples. Both the temples were old, but not kept clean. At Guhyeshwari, bali (slaughtering for sacrifice) of animals was being practiced. The worship rituals at that temple were of the old Vamachar Tantra 39 tradition. I could stay for only a few minutes at the temple. The bhiksha in Kathmandu was sponsored by one of the Seth (Marwari) 40 families who had come two generations ago and settled there. They had arranged a grand bhiksha for us and offered us clothes too. During the stay in Kathmandu I wandered and visited a few more temples in and around the city. By this time our journey papers were ready, and we all went to Nepalgunj by a chartered flight. Most of the sadhus enjoyed the flight journey, as they were flying for the first time. From Nepalgunj, Viswatmanand, a guide we had engaged and I went to Bhajang on a 16seater helicopter. The other sadhus went to Darchula by walk. We also had to reach Darchula early, which is why we took the shortest route via Bhajang and then by walk to Darchula. A few yatra papers needed to be collected from Darchula for the journey. Walking through hills at Nepal was very much invigorating. On the way to Darchula from Bhajang we engaged three or four coolies from a village to travel with us to Kailash. After two days’ walk we reached Darchula. By this time other the sadhus of the mandali had also reached there. Darchula is a small village on the banks of the Kali River. Across the river on the other side is the Hindustan side of Darchula. We stayed in that village for three days before final preparations of the journey. As I had been walking barefoot for a long time on the hills, the soles of both my feet had tears everywhere and were bleeding too from the thorns and pebbles that had pierced them. I was walking, but was in too much

pain. Viswatmananda got me a pair of canvas shoes for the journey and it was easy for me to walk now. We all began our journey on the banks of the Kali River, through the Nepal Himalayan hills. There were about 35 people including some workers, guides, etc. I was told it would take a month or so to reach Kailash if we travelled continuously. But we were not bound by time. From early morning till afternoon we walked climbing up and down the hills and in the afternoons we stayed either in some school building or in open places, where our group cooked ourselves—rice, dal or khichadi . After food, we rested for the day and early in the morning again resumed journey. This was the practice during the whole journey. After a few days of travel, I felt tired, my legs swollen. Now we were almost near the Tibetan border. We stayed at the Tibet–Nepal border for a couple of days for clearance from the border check post. On the third day the journey resumed. During the journey I noticed one thing. If we were walking as a group there would be talks about this and that, petty matters. In fact my plan was to do Devi Pranava japa and walk. So I decided to walk a little behind the group and with every step I chanted the mantra. We were now in the land of mysterious yogis and mahatmas —Tibet. Everywhere around us, we could see the snow-clad hills. My second visit to Tibet was filled with hopes, and I thought I might get a chance to go to Gyanganj this time. More than fifteen days had passed by, and we were still walking. Due to swelling and pain, it was very difficult for me to walk the way the others were walking. I had already thrown away my shoes and was walking slowly. One day I had fallen far behind the others in the group. My legs were now swollen up to the knees and my movements become very slow. I could easily see that the group was moving on to the next hill. In the Himalayas,

though it may seem like the hills that are visible are nearby, it is only when you start walking towards them that you realize how far they really are! It was afternoon and the group had already disappeared from visibility. I was extremely tired and felt as if I would not be able to move even a step. I sat under a tree. Seeing a small stream nearby, I went there, and washed my face, hands and legs and came back to the tree and sat under it. I thought that perhaps now the mandali (group) might have reached some place suitable to set up cooking. A breeze coming from the snow-clad hills embraced me, and it was like the energizing embrace of mother to her child. I was lost and did not know what to do. At any time it could be sunset, or rain or snowfall. I was all alone there. The documents of journey were with the head of the mandali. If a military man or any villager spotted me, what would I do? I was worried. As I was tired, I was unable to move. I sat there on the same spot, continuing my japa. It was almost sunset time. I was not sleeping but had closed my eyes and was thinking about the three aspect of the Mother Goddess. Why three? What for? Saptasati says, “I am only one but appear in different forms and names.” Some question regarding the ‘tritva bhava ’ (Maha Kali, Maha Lakshmi, Maha Saraswati ) was bothering my mind. I heard a sound nearby and opened my eyes. I was stunned when I saw a very tall and beautiful woman in front of me, well decorated with ornaments and flower garland, and wearing a shining sari . I tried to look once again at the form that had appeared in front of me. I was certainly not dreaming since I was not asleep. The beautiful lady touched me and I felt now like a small child of six months or so. She raised me in her arms and started nursing me, feeding me milk from her breast. (I feel the taste of that milk is even now on my tongue.) A few minutes passed thus and I felt like I was diving into very shining light. Hearing the sound of horse hooves, I woke up. I saw a person (looking like a cowboy) near me on his horse. He said something which I could not understand. By gesturing he indicated that the group was on the

neighbouring hills, and if I wished, he could take me to them on his horse. I declined, and he went off. It was morning and I got up. I felt more energetic. And there was no more swelling or pain in my legs. Now I was able to realize what had happened and all my doubts vanished. I knew of course, that it was the Mother who had appeared and fed me milk. My mind became very pure and strong. I walked fast and climbed the hills at good speed and reached the mandali. They had been worried about me. The mandali was ready to move and I joined them and continued my journey carrying my unexplainable experience of the previous night.

Manasarovar— Kailash

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e continued the journey, and reached Takalkot, where we were supposed to have our papers endorsed by the Chinese authorities. We stayed for two days in Takalkot, which was the place where we could purchase everything needed for the onward journey. We collected the things needed: I kept a bottle of chutney made of garlic and chillies for good digestion as well keeping body heat intact. On the third day we resumed journey and were walking through snowbound hills. My mind was exhilarated at seeing and walking once again through Tibet. As I had experienced Himalayan life earlier, the cold wind or high hills were not a surprise to me. In some places, we experienced oxygen deficiency and some of the sadhus used oxygen kits brought for that purpose. To reach a goal is not so easy—and be it materialism or spirituality, one has to struggle to reach the goal. My mind was questioning the idea of Shiva actually residing in Kailash. To me, Shiva is not a form but pure consciousness. ‘Kailash’ literally means Sahasrara . 41 I wondered of my mind that was eager to search for Shiva externally; but is not Shiva in the form of pure consciousness already dwelling in everyone’s body in their Sahasrara? Instead of this external journey towards Bhukailas or earthly Kailash, I felt that I should instead have traveled to the Kailash within me. To reach Shiva means to attain the pure consciousness level, which will give the realization of ‘what I am’ or the ‘theory of existence’. I had read in books that this state was known as ‘Turiya’. But according to Shakteya 42 theory, the journey does not end there. One has to travel one more step to reach Shakti or ‘Turiyateeta’ or ‘being’. This is known as awareness, when you experience the practical existence. In scientific terms, Shakti is energy. The oneness of these two: theory and practical, Shiva and Shakti, knowing and being, is termed Ardha-Nareeshwara , which is Advaita Siddhi . 43

All these thoughts were overpowering me during the journey. It started raining and there was not even a small tree under which to take cover. It was almost 25 days since our journey had begun. At sunset we reached a large lake, and some of the sadhus said this was Manasarovar! There were a few huts made of mud and stones nearby and we stayed in them for that night’s halt. To me ‘Manasarovar’ means ‘the heart filled with love and affection’—a mind filled with love like an ocean! A sadhu’s mind should be like that—on the one hand full of devotion towards the Almighty or the Guru (both are the same, if you look deeply enough), and on the other, full of love towards all beings, without any differentiation. The shastras say that ‘equanimity is yoga’—to feel for others as you feel for yourself. So my mind was saying that the journey to ‘Manasarovar’ implies the journey to one’s pure heart that loves every being equally. The external Manasarovar will give good scenery to the eyes, but diving into the internal Manasarovar will lead one to ecstasy! It is the everlasting experience of Bliss. That is why Christ said, “Love your neighbour as yourself.” These thoughts were all rising and subsiding in my mind, so I was unable to sleep the whole night. In the morning I sat on the shore of Manasarovar. The water was crystal clear, like the pure mind of a small child. One of the sadhus told me that the mandali would stay here for a few days. And if we were lucky we might chance to see a ‘hamsa’ (swan) 44 too. I fell into contemplation on this word ‘hamsa ’, that means Soham (‘I am He/That’ in Sanskrit; in Vedic philosophy it means identifying oneself with the universe or ultimate reality—is the meaning of this Mahavakya) and ‘hamsa soham’ is also one of the last mantras of Srividya ! Hamsa implies ‘prana’ or vital energy. When prana through soham dhyana is taken up to the sahasrara to reach Shiva (or Pure Consciousness), it takes the sadhak to Shakti (or Awareness). Now the theory was crystal clear to me. To

bathe in the Manasarovar meant to ascend in the ‘pranashakti’ through hamsa soham (or the technique of pranayama) and reach Sahasrara . In other words to join the ‘pranashakti ’ to Shiva (or Pure Consciousness) and Shakti (or Awareness) will lead the sadhak or practitioner to reach Advaita Siddhi (ultimate reality)—that is, Moksha (salvation). I understood that merely washing the physical body in the lake Manasarovar upon reaching the hill known as Kailash will not grant moksha—but through the path of yoga and tantra one can definitely attain moksha. I never before had contemplated on thoughts such as these. Perhaps, as this was the land of yogis and mahatmas, perhaps their vibrations had reached my thoughts. I sat there on the shore of Manasarovar till noon, and though I was not meditating yet, the meditation was still happening within me!

Kailash - End of Sadhana

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had not been taking food for two or three days since I had neither felt hunger nor thirst. I was as if intoxicated after the experience of Manasarovar, and in the stage of ‘Being’. I had felt my body grow very light, with tears of ecstasy in my eyes. It was the evening of the third day and I did not know for how long I had been sitting thus on the shore of the ‘Sarovar’. It may have looked like I was simply gazing at the crystal clear water, but of course the ‘Hamsa Soham ’ mantra was echoing in my brain. I saw a light emerging from the ‘Sarovar Taal ’. In a few seconds it became clear that it was not light but my revered Guruji (Avadhoota Tara Mayee ) appearing before me. My whole body shivered due to romaharasha (goose bumps). Tears overflowed my eyes! Yes, it was not a dream. I pinched myself to confirm I was awake. I got up and with shivering legs tried to move towards my Guruji. I was wonderstruck at how my Guruji had again appeared there. Amma placed her hands on my shoulders and embraced me. She said, “Son, what is all this childishness? I told you to eat properly every day during sadhana. It is your foolishness that you don’t understand my words. Look, this yatra (journey) of yours to Kailash and Manasarovar is only because of the niyogam (plan of destiny) of our great Guru Mahatapa of Gyanganj. Be happy always!” I was crying. As a mother wipes away the tears of her child, Amma lifted her hand and wiped my tears. But it was difficult for me to control my emotions. Amma said, “Come, come with me. I have something for you.” I walked a few steps with Guruji. Now I could see a yogi sitting on the shore of the lake and we both went closer to him. Amma told me, “Do pranams to him. The yogi is Keenaram Paramahamsa—my Paramaguru from

Gyanganj . He has something for you.” The yogi was clad in white clothes, with a long beard and white hair, and a well-built body. With his eyes closed, the yogi was lost in his seventh sense. I did sashtanga pranams to him. He opened his eyes and gestured me to sit near him. Amma was standing behind me. Keenaram Paramahamsa, my parmeshti guru (Guru’s Guru) , was in front of me. I was thinking that the most unexpected things were happening. But reading my mind, the yogi said, “No, these are not unexpected. These are destined. You are destined to burn yourself in this pyre. You had the experience of ‘Soham ’. Yes, this was destined! Now I have something for you. Through Tara, I am destined to pass my yogic powers on to you.” The yogi closed his eyes again and told my Guruji to touch my Bhrumadhya . 45 Amma just touched me. There was a sound of ‘Soham ’ in and around me. I felt like my body was on fire. For a minute my body shivered as if I were running a high fever. My eyes closed on their own. I heard the voice of the yogi again, “Son, these are the siddhis which you are supposed to keep with you. Now onwards, you are a Siddha Yogi , who has the siddhis of ‘Doora Sravan’ , 46 ‘Doora Darshan’ , 47 healing powers and ‘Sankalpa Siddhi’ . 48 Do not misuse these. You have taken an oath to live for others. To keep that oath you need these powers. Keep it and live for others.” At first I was unable to digest all this. I had the experiences of ‘Advaita Siddhi ’ two days before and now this! Keenaram Paramahamsa disappeared in thin air. I looked back to see my Guruji (Amma ) still standing there, with her usual smile. I tried to get up, but Amma sat near me instead and didn’t allow me to get up. She said, “Son, this is the last part of your Shaktipaath Deeksha . Now you are a perfect adept. But remember, do not reveal your identity now. I will tell you when the time comes. As I prepare you for ‘Loka Sangraha ’ (living for the entire humanity), you prepare any one of your disciples to carry out this work in the future.” I wanted to ask Amma something, but was fearful.

Amma stepped into the Manasarovar and brought some water in her tin container and had me drink it. She kissed me on my forehead and moved away in a hurry. I wanted to get up and follow her but was unable to get up or walk. The sun was setting now. Though I was sitting at quite a long distance from the mandali, I could see sadhus moving here and there. I was neither in dhyana or samadhi but in a different stage. The pyre in me was still burning and my head felt heavy. I saw Narayanananda walking towards me. Speaking to me in Malayalam, he said, “You have been sitting here since a long time. Have you bathed yet? It is time for arathi and Shiva Mahimna chanting!” He was on his way to answer the call of nature and for a bath. I did not feel like bathing. Even in that cold wind, my body was sweating and my mind trying to recollect what had happened a few minutes before. The face of my Guruji was still visible in front of my eyes. Slowly I moved towards the mandali.

Kailash—The Abode of Self

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he next day the mandali started moving towards Kailash. It was a day long journey and the mandali reached base camp by evening. Everybody assembled in a small room made of stones and mud. Here and there some tents had been erected for travellers. A cold wind was blowing all around. All of us were tired. Now we had reached Kailash—of course, the external Kailash. This abode of ‘self’—the Shiva. This is ‘sat-chit-ananda ’ (truth, consciousness, bliss). That is ‘I’. The next day, everybody started for the Kailash parikrama . I walked with them for some distance and came back. Two or three other sadhus also didn’t go for the pradakshina . I felt like taking a bath in the water coming down from upper Kailash. Sitting near the stream on a rock, I was thinking about my destiny—where I was born and brought up in the southernmost corner of India, and where was I now, in the uppermost Himalayas! Sitting there, I had a vision of the kundalini 49 of Bharat Mata .

The melted-ice water was very cold and I was trying to bathe in it. I had been told by some experienced sadhus that to bathe in such cold waters we have to make our body heat become equal to the temperature of water. For that one needs to slowly apply cold water on the body and after a few minutes if you pour on ice water, you will not shiver! I had a good bath. The sun was shining but even then it was very cold. I lay down under the sun and slept. By sunset the mandali had returned after finishing parikrama . Everyone assembled in the room again and had something to eat (I remember it was khichadi ) and slept. But I was unable to sleep. In my childhood I had heard my mother sing bhajans on Shiva and Parvati and Kailash. Until my arrival at this place, the picture of Kailash I had in my mind was based on the bhajans—Shiva with matted hair and trishul (trident) in one hand and damru (a small, hourglass-shaped handheld drum) representing the cosmic sound in the other, dancing with

Parvati! Here the snow-clad Kailash is the symbol of Nirakara (formless) Shiva. Kailash is, of course, in the form of a shiva linga. If we look and imagine, we can visualize three eyes on Kailash as well. But it is imagination. The visualization and imagination is different from real experience. My Guruji had granted me the experience of ‘Soham ’ at Manasarovar. To me, that was the real ‘Kailash’ that I had reached! The next day the mandali was planning to move down, retracing the same route. Everybody seemed tired. But there was no other way and we had to walk. Everything was packed up and we all started moving down to Manasarovar. On the return journey too, we stayed one day at Manasarovar. Everybody collected water from the Sarovar in bottles, except for me! Somehow, these rituals of collecting teertham (holy water associated with a temple or deity), etc., were not digestible to me. The return journey was a bit easy. I was easily walking with the other sadhus . They were wondering how my behaviour had changed. Not much talking, or if there was talking it was too much. We reached Darchula and stayed there for a couple of days. There was heaving rain on the way to Nepalgunj. Several streams were flowing down from the hills above. Once I was almost washed away. Swami Sandrananda extended his walking stick and pulled me up and saved me. Without much difficulty we reached Nepalgunj. The head of the mandali had arranged a bus to Kathmandu, and we reached there by evening. Everybody seemed happy and was telling stories of the yatra .

Back to India, Samalkha

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fter returning from the Kailash yatra I stayed with the mandali for a few more days. The mandali was moving around Nepal. We stayed at Narayan ghat for a few days and went to Hathoda. I left the mandali at Hathoda and travelled to India via Sonali. From Sonali I went to Ayodhya and stayed there for a couple of days. I was not in a mood to go to Jammu where the ashram work was in progress. I remembered that one of my sanyasi friends, Swami Lalithanand, was staying near Panipat (Samalkha village) where he was constructing a mandir . I decided to go and meet him. From Ayodhya, via Delhi, I reached Samalkha in the morning. I had previously visited that place a few years ago. There was a businessman there named Jagdish Bansal who I knew and I went to his residence, and with his help, I met Swami Lalithananda. They arranged for my stay at an old Shiva mandir in Samalkha village. Except for a poojari and his family (from Mathura) nobody else was staying there. My bhiksha and other needs were arranged at the house of Iswar Pandit. His wife Uma and her sister Brijalata used to take care of my food, etc. Everybody was enquiring about my journey to Kailash, as Lalithanand had told them about it. For a few days I rested there in the mandir; but I was beginning to feel bad about myself for simply sitting around and eating and sleeping! I told them that I was planning to start a daily satsang , at the mandir, based on the Adhyatma Ramayana . 50 This was the first time I was holding a satsang on the Ramayana . As satsang was held during evening time, a sizable number of villagers used to attend the gathering. Lalithanand also started staying with me. An old lady was engaged for cooking food. Jagdish met the expenses for my stay there as he was one of the owners of the Shiv Mandir.

The satsang went on for 21 days. One Surendra Sharma and his wife Latha along with Birjalatha were looking after the requirements of the bhajan and satsang sessions. By this time the number of villagers had increased and they asked for deeksha (initiation by a guru ) as most of them considered me their Guru . A day was fixed and more than 150 persons took Guru mantra deeksha on that day. Those days I was not in the habit of taking dakshina. But the villagers used to bring some money or fruits for me. I asked Lalithanand to take the offerings and make use of them. The villagers used to invite me to their homes for bhiksha. I gladly accepted the invitations and would go for bhiksha along with Surendra Sharma and Umakant Kaushik who accompanied me every day. Now I had a good number of disciples at Samalkha and I was getting invitations for bhiksha every day. They stopped cooking for me at the mandir . After concluding the satsang of 21 days, I stayed there for three more days. Instead of going to Jammu, I decided to go to Omkareshwar once again. A ticket was booked to Indore, and from Delhi I started my journey towards Omkareshwar again.

Again Narmada and Kashi

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nce again I had reached Omkareshwar. I stayed there for a few days. Most of the sadhus I knew were asking me about my journey to Kailash with the mandali. Withholding certain personal experiences, I described my journey to them. Every day, I would sit on the banks of the Narmada (river). Swami Arghyanand had already left the ashram and was constructing a small kutia somewhere near Khal ghat on the Narmada banks. During one of the discussions with Swami Ramanandji I expressed my desire to go to Kashi in order to practice Tantra sadhana of the Das Mahavidya. I had completed Srividya (Shodashi ) sadhana. Swamiji was not inclined to accept my proposal, and said, “During your Kailash yatra , you have experienced Advaita Siddhi . Now why do you want to enter into a fierce Tantra sadhana ? I see no justification of your desire to do Tantra Sadhana . Better that you stay here and study Vedanta .” This logic did not appeal to me. In Sri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa’s biography, which I read during my college days, Sri Ramakrishna tried all types of sadhana , even Muslim and Christian ways of sadhanas . He had been my model saint in life from childhood after I read his Gospel of Sri Rama Krishna . I did not argue with Swamiji to prove that my desire was genuine. After a few days’ stay at the Markandeya Sanyas Ashram, I was ready to move to Kashi to test whether I would succeed in my iccha (desire) I had Rs. 500 with me, a pair of clothes and one blanket. And of course my permanent companions, my kamandal and kappar too! I went to Bhopal by bus and from there to Varanasi the next day. After two days’ journey I reached Varanasi. This was the second time I was going to Kashi. The first time had been on my return from Tibet after failing my attempt to reach Gyanganj . I knew nobody there. But I knew that there was an ashram of

Swamy Ramanandji (Abhya Sanyas Ashram) at Manikarnika Ghat. After a few hours of searching and walking here and there, I reached Abhaya Sanyas Ashram. I failed to get an accommodation as I was not known to anybody there. Moreover, with my matted hair, long beard and unkempt clothes I had a very awkward look! I went to Manikarnika Ghat and sat on the steps. It was getting dark and night was near. As I had a little amount of money left with me, I went to a nearby hotel on the ghat itself and had some roti , etc. I had a balance of about hundred rupees with me. I felt that I should not keep it. I had seen a beggar-type old man on the verandah of the next building. I went to him and gave the money to him, walked away quickly to the ghat steps again. I decided that no matter what happened to me, I would stay only at that ghat , and that one day I would definitely get a guru to teach me Tantra Sadhana . Like me, there were a few people who had already occupied the steps of the ghat for night shelter. I saw a few pyres burning here and there at Manikarnika Ghat. I simply sat on the steps, looking at the flow of Ganga. I slept on those very steps that night. The awful smell of burning dead bodies was entering my nostrils. I felt very bad for some time, but after an hour or two, I was at ease. In the morning I answered the calls of nature in the nearby bushes. After bathing I was back at the steps. I made a firm resolution in my mind—if Annapoorna was indeed in Kashi, she would take care of my food. I would not ask anybody for my food and nor would I knock the doors of any ashram for my stay. I recited a sloka —“Mata Cha Parvati Devi, Pita Devo Maheshvara .” So, if both my father and mother were in Kashi, why would they not take care of me? These were the thoughts in my mind. I sat there chanting the Shodashi mantra for some time. Occasionally I would slip and started chanting “Nama Shivaya .” People (pilgrims and sadhus ) came to the ghat and bathed, but went away carelessly. Nobody looked at me. It was almost noon. I was hungry. Looking to Mother Ganga I said, “Maa Ganga, it seems that Maa

Anapoorna is not in Kashi. If not, why would her son, a poor sanyasi, be sitting here hungry?” Time was passing quickly and seemed like it was almost 3 pm already. I was a little tired due to hunger and being a little angry with Annapoorna I did not drink even Gangajal . Pyres were burning around me and a sound of ‘tap-tap’ (of burning wood logs and bones) arising from them. In that hot sun, I slept on the ghat for a while. When I woke up after an hour or two I saw a beggar woman sitting near me. She was opening her pottli (a small cloth bag), in which she collected food and bringing out three rotis and some vegetables to me, she asked me to eat. I was wondering and looked at her face for a few seconds. There was a maternal affection on her face. At first I hesitated to eat from a beggar’s hand. But she kept insisting. I asked her, “Maa , where is your food? You begged the whole day and got some roti . If you feed all that to me, what about you?” She showed me a few more rotis in her pottli and asked me to eat. Taking the rotis from her hand and putting them in my kappar , I began eating. The beggar woman also started eating from her aluminium plate which looked very dirty. While eating I heard the voice of the ‘Dom ’ (the man responsible for burning corpses), “Arre Nakuli, tere ko apna beta mila kya? Yeh tum kisko roti khila raha hai ?” (Hey Nakuli, have you found your son or what? Who are you feeding rotis to?) I now knew that the old woman’s name was Nakuli. The Dom came down the steps and told me, “Maharaj, I have been watching all night that you have been sitting here. Any problem? Do not believe this mad old Nakuli. Why are you not going to some ashram for your stay?” I told him my story and my decision to stay there till I met a guru who would teach me Tantra Sadhana. Nakuli had finished eating by that time, and washing her hands and her patra in the Ganga, she came near me and said with a smile on her face, “Idhar hi thero! Kahin nahin jaana .” (Stay right here, don’t go anywhere.) She slowly ambled away. The Dom also left, climbing up the steps. It was evening. I sat there quietly.

Disciples Welcoming Guruji After his Visit to Gyangunj at Panipat

Dhuni Sthapana In Chowl (Maharashtra)

Srividya Kulagraja Award to Avadhoota Nadananda in 2000

Avadhoota Nadananda

Avadhoota Nadananda with his Gurubhai Prasobh Maharaj

Avadhoota Nadananda

Chandi Parayan at Siddhaganj

Guru Mandala Pooja at Siddhaganj

Aksharabhyasam at a Tribal School at Kurnool

Feeding Children

Feeding the Hungry

Guru Pada Pooja at Hyderabad

Tantra Sadhana

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was staying at Manikarnika Ghat. A few days passed this way. Every day in the afternoon Nakuli would bring some rotis which she had collected during her begging. Sometimes I felt very embarrassed at my behaviour of accepting and eating food given by a poor woman who had begged to get it. But in reality who is not a beggar? Even the richest person is a beggar as he begs the Almighty for more wealth. I was a beggar of beggars! But I knew there was definitely some reason behind my eating from her begging. One day the Dom (who used to talk to me daily) introduced me to a Bengali Baba , a well-known Tantrik of that time. His looked very fierce, a middle-aged man with a well-built body, matted hair and beard, in red clothes and wearing rakta chandan (red sandalwood) and kumkum tilak (marking on forehead with vermillion). I spoke to him about my intention to practice Tantra Sadhana . I replied to his questions about my life so far. Even though he looked fierce, his manner and way of talking were very mild and positive. He agreed to teach me Tantra Sadhana and said, “You have to stay only at this smashan (cremation grounds). After initiation I have to go to Tarapeetham in Bengal, and will be back in two or three months. Nakuli and Dom will help you meet your needs.” But he also placed another condition for initiation. If I wanted to study Tantra Vidya , I must first initiate him in Srividya of the Kerala Aacharam. I agreed to it. He opened his shoulder bag and took out a panchangam (Indian almanac), did some calculations and decided upon a date (which was after three days) for the initiation. Two days went by just in anticipation of the arrival of the date of the initiation. After sunset the Bengali Tantrik came to the ghat along with the dom. Nakuli was sitting on the steps near me. We both bathed in the Ganga

and after tilakam and other rituals he took me to a nearby pyre and sat near it. Opening a bottle of ‘local liquor’ he poured some into the fire of the pyre as an offering, and uttered some mantra. He took some ashes from the pyre and applied them as tilakam on my forehead, and asked me to initiate him into Srividya . I was mesmerized. Praying to my Guruji, I initiated him with the shodashi mantra, mudras , etc. Now it was my turn to receive initiation from him. He instructed me about certain rules regarding entering in a smashan , digh bandham’ , how to sit near a ‘pyre’, and how to start japa of certain mantras of Tara (one of the Dasha Maha Vidyas). Every day, 1 yama 51 after sunset, I was supposed to sit near a pyre and after applying ‘chita bhasmam ’ (ashes from pyre) I had to continue my japa till midnight. He told me that a lot of pralobhans (temptations) would come to me during my japa sadhana of Tara but to ignore them. He told me to take the bhiksha which Nakuli would give me and complete the japa within 45 days, and he would try to return by that time. Even if he was late in returning, I should continue the japa sadhana till he returned. He said, “This is the first step of your Tantra Sadhana . After completion of the japa you have to then do homa in the pyre. If you are successful, I will teach you ‘Shava Sadhana ’ as well. Leaving me alone, he got ready to go someplace. The darkness around me was frightening. This was the first time that I was sitting near a pyre for such a long time. Nobody was near me. Dom had also left earlier. Nakuli was not visible at the ghat. There was only the light of the burning pyre. At a distance near another pyre I saw two or three sadhaks sitting and doing homa in the pyre. Like the Bengali Baba had told me, I was looking at the pyre and concentrating on my japa. It was almost morning when I completed my first day’s japa. The fire at the pyre was about to die. Pilgrims and sadhus were coming to the ghat to bathe. I got up too. My body was covered with ash from the burning corpses nearby. Feeling a little tired I went to the ghat for my morning ablutions.

I felt happy that I could begin the sadhana that I had wished for. All day long I would sit or sleep at the ghat and in the nights I would be doing japa sitting near one of the burning pyres. Nakuli brought some rotis daily for me to eat. Days were passing by without any troubles.

Sadhana at Burial Ground

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was continuing my Tantra Sadhana very happily. Dom used to bring local liquor for the offering every day, and Nakuli would feed me a few rotis from her bhiksha . At about midnight once when I was doing japa near the pyre, I saw a very fierce form appear in front of me and asked me to stop my japa . I was afraid to look at that form of a woman, naked and wearing a skull mala around her neck. She said, “What do you want? Money, fame, good house, a beautiful maid? You can choose all—I am granting them all to you now. But stop this japa .” The Baba who had initiated me had cautioned me about that: “Pralobhans will come. Beware of them.” I asked the form of that ferocious woman, “Who are you? Why do you want to disturb my sadhana ? I need nothing from whatever you offered to me. Let me do japa . Go away!” She laughed loudly, which was frightening. She said once again, “Your japa is disturbing me. Ask for whatever materialistic thing you desire and take it from me. I am pleased with your japa . But you must stop the japa and take whatever you want.” I got angry, and said, “Get lost now. I need none of your materialistic things. I want you to be with me. Can you do that, if so, I am ready to stop this japa .” Then she smiled in a very calm and beautiful way, and said, “Son, I was testing you to find whether you are doing it for materialistic needs. Okay, I understand you now. Continue the japa . I will be yours from the day of your completion of japa .” Now I understood that this lady was none other than Tara, whose mantra japa I was chanting. I was happy that one day Tara would be mine. Of course I had to complete the japa . Almost one month of japa was over. I had been hungry for the previous two days as Nakuli did not show up with my bhiksha. I asked Dom about Nakuli, but he also didn’t know where she had gone. On the fourth night, Nakuli came back to me. She looked very tired. I asked her, “Maa !

What happened to you, I didn’t see you the last few days? I was hungry and was waiting for you.” She took out two biscuit packs from her pottli and giving them to me said, “I was in the Ganga, doing my sadhana . So I was unable to come to you. I know you are hungry. But I have to do my sadhana on Trayodashi, Chathurdasi and Amavasya . Son, don’t feel hurt because of this old woman. I am your mother. Eat, eat the biscuits! Tomorrow I will bring you some rotis.” Now I realized that Nakuli was not an ordinary beggar. To hide her identity, she had chosen to dress like a beggar. I was sure she must be either a yogini (a woman who is proficient in yoga; a female yogi) or a Bhairavi (devotee of Mother Goddess). I thought how lucky I was. A Yogini/Bhairavi was doing seva for me by bringing my bhiksha daily and was feeding me with motherly affection. I stood up and did pranams to her by touching her feet. She said, “Arre Baba tum kya karte ho. Main ek bhikkari, tum to maharaj hai, mere pair kyon choote ho ?” (What are you doing? I am just a beggar woman and you a sanyasi . Why do you touch my feet?) I had tears in my eyes thinking about my Guruji’ s kripa on me! I told her, “Maa , I don’t know whether you are a bhikharin or my Guruji . You feed me every day with motherly affection so, of course, you are a mother to me. Let me do pranams to you again and again.” Saying this, I once again touched her feet with my head. I was washing her old feet with my tears. She held both my hands and lifted me up. With her shivering hands, she wiped my tears and started feeding me biscuits. I went into a trance and was in that state for a long time. The biscuits lay in front of me, but I could not eat them even though Nakuli kept trying again and again to make me eat. Tears flowed from my eyes. Of course, this was all only my Guruji’s kripa . In this unknown place, an unknown beggar type woman was feeding me! And she was not a beggar at all but a great sadhika in Tantra . A Yogini or a Bhairavi ! How lucky I was, who was it that wrote my destiny to be like this. It must be my Guruji , Paramaguruji

or whoever. It might be that all this was happening, only because of my destiny. I was in a trance, tears coming out of my eyes, and I was laughing and crying like a madman.

New Horizons

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was thinking often about my Guruji’s affection towards me these days. That she was always supporting my sadhana in various forms. In some way or the other, she had always helped me during my sadhana . Even though she lived far from me physically at Mookambika, she was always near me, taking care of my needs every moment. I know that my Guruji is a unique ‘avatar’ of love. Even if I write thousands of pages of her love towards me, they would not be enough to express it. Without her support, it would be impossible for me to complete even a day of sadhana . On the evening of the 45th day of my japa sadhana on Tara Mantra , while I was sitting on the Manikarnika ghat steps, thinking of what next, the Bengali Baba returned there to meet me. He asked me about the days of my sadhana . I had not known that he was a Mahakaula . (Mahakaula is the most advanced Sadhak Guru in Tantra.) He had different siddhis with him. Even though he looked fierce and dangerous, he was very gentle in his behaviour. He said, “I know that you had the vision of Tara during your japa sadhana . It is good that you have come out of the temptations offered by Tara. Now I shall teach you ‘Shava Sadhana ’, which is one of the important steps of your Tantra Sadhana . Dom will arrange for a corpse for you to use as an asan (seat) and you have to sit on it after decorating it with chandan and kumkum . He described in detail about the preparations for that sadhana . I had to wait until Amavasya (new moon night) for it. Till then I decided to continue my japa of Tara Mantra. It was Amavasya and early in the morning, the Bengali Baba arrived. I did not know where he stayed or ate and never asked him either. Dom was also with him and he said he would arrange for a corpse, if any dead body

was brought that day for cremation, for my sadhana . He brought a full bottle of local liquor and gave it to me. He also brought a few coconut shells, flowers, chandan paste, kumkum , etc. It was my good fortune to get a corpse on that Amavasya day. It was that of a middle-aged woman. The relatives brought the body and handing it over to Dom, left in the evening. (This is the system in Kashi.) One yama after sunset, at night, both Dom and Baba took the body to a distance from the pyre. There was deep darkness. Dom left after arranging the pooja samagri (worship materials). Baba gave me instructions on how to wash the body, how to apply chandan and kumkum and other procedures. After giving detailed instructions of Shava Suddhi (purification of the corpse), Lepanam (application of sandalwood paste and vermillion), Disha Bodham (cognition of the exact direction), ‘Digh bandham ’, etc., Baba left me saying that he would return in the early hours next morning. He cautioned me, “Do not be afraid. If you are frightened, you cannot do the sadhana, you will definitely fail. Be careful. I am around here.” From the beginning I had a fear in me. I was all alone near the dead body. I prayed to my Guruji to give me courage to do this fierce sadhana . As instructed by the Baba I undressed the dead body. I undressed too. After washing the corpse, I applied chandan paste and kumkum to it. Now my ‘Shava Asan ’ was ready and as Baba had told me, I lit earthen lamps to the left, right and above the head of the corpse. My hand was shivering. To my right I kept a coconut shell full of local liquor near the head of the corpse. I sat on the dead body with a shaking mind and body. This was my first ever experience of touching a naked female body. Of course, I had attended several funerals, but this way of washing a naked woman’s body, applying chandan , kumkum paste, or sitting for sadhana , I had never expected it to happen in my life. I started doing japa looking into the opened eyes (I had opened them as Baba instructed) of the body. After a

few minutes the dead body started shaking and shivering, and all of a sudden the dead body opened its mouth and made a ferocious sound. I was a bit afraid, and as Baba had said, I poured the country liquor in its mouth and put in a burning wick. It closed its mouth, making a strange sound. Now the dead body stopped shaking. I continued the japa . My whole body was sweating. I saw a shadow appearing near me. While I was wondering what it could be, the form of a naked woman with skull mala (the same as I had seen before, during my japa near the pyre) appeared near me. She was standing still, and staring at me. My speed of japa increased as I was full of fear. She said, “Are you after siddhis ? What do you want? Ashta Siddhis ? I know you have the greatest siddhis , which you gained during your stay in Manasarovar. What do you want now?” I kept silent and continued japa . (That had been the instruction of Baba, to do nothing other than japa till the early hours, or until he came.) After a few minutes the lady vanished in thin air. I could hear the barking of dogs from a distance. It was the darkest, most dangerous and frightful night I had ever faced. But with my Guru’s kripa I could complete the japa . Early in the morning Dom came with Bengali Baba. It may have been about 4.00 am or so, when Baba came near me and asked me to stop japa. He instructed me on how to do ‘Japa Samarpan ’ (offering of my chants). Following him, I forcibly opened the mouth of the corpse and poured some country liquor in it. Baba then asked me to drink a little liquor as prasadam and give the remaining to Dom. After a few rituals, I was asked to get up. As I had been sitting more than 6–7 hours on the cold dead body my legs had become stiff. Dom helped me stand up. Baba asked me to follow him to the Ganga for a bath. He said that Dom would take care of the body. I had a bath at Manikarnika Ghat. It was dawn, and pilgrims and sadhus were just starting to arrive at the Ghat for bathing. Bengali Baba told me that he would meet me in the evening and left. Nakuli was waiting for

me at the steps. She brought me a glass of tea from a shop nearby. I was tired and felt sleepy too. I lay down on the step and slept till Nakuli brought a few rotis for me.

Unlimited Bliss

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he Bengali Baba came back in the evening. At that time, I was sitting peacefully on the steps after eating the rotis brought by Nakuli, who also sat by me. She was telling me in me in detail about Yogini Sadhana. I had learnt the ‘Swayamvara Parvati ’ (a Yogini ) mantra , taught to me by my father. She said that a single mantra , if practiced properly was sufficient, as it had the capacity to give all siddhis . This mantra can be done for the betterment of others too. Nakuli told me about her Tantra Sadhana done at Kamakhya, during her stay with her Guruji . Her husband had passed away a few years ago, and her only son left her after her husband’s death, as he did not want to be labelled a Tantric woman’s son. She then came to Varanasi for her sadhana and had been here since then. I asked her what it was that made her want to feed me every day, after begging for food. She said, “On the day I first saw you, I knew immediately that you are not ordinary. There is something special about you. While giving you rotis I observed the lines on your palms. It confirmed that you are a unique one. So I decided to do seva for you. Moreover I had a dream on the second day after meeting you. I saw in this dream an old woman telling me to take care of her child, pointing to you. Then I understood who you are, and what your birth is for. You have a special mission destined by your Guru Parampara . So I thought that by serving you, I will have the ashirvaad of the Guru Parampara . Bengali Baba was listening to all this. He asked me what I wanted to do next. I told him, “Baba, I have started Tantra Sadhana just out of curiosity. I need neither siddhis nor fame and wealth. I need only energy (Shakti ) to do some service to the needy. My Guruji taught me to live for others always. I am trying to do that. And I know that at every moment, my Guruji is with me—guiding and protecting me!” Bengali Baba told me to do some more mantra japa . To my wonder, he gave me the mantra of

‘Swayamvara Parvati ’ (a Yogini ) which I had already received from my father during my college days. He instructed me to do the japa for a few weeks, in a standing posture in the Ganga if possible. I was supposed to do japa standing in waist-high water, for at least 21 days. Bengali Baba was preparing to leave for his kutia at Tarapeeth in Bengal in a day or two. He told me, “In any case, you have completed the japa of Tara . Remember that now Tara is with you as a helping hand. Do not misuse this power. After completing your Yogini Mantra Japa for 21 days, you can leave Kashi. Come to Tarapeeth whenever you feel like it.” Bengali Baba left, and after some time Nakuli and myself talked about sadhana again. I told her of my wish to go to Narmada again. Nakuli said, “Narmada is a Siddha Kshetra . Now you possess certain siddhis too. All right so, go, you will definitely have good experiences there. But try to be solitary. Always move alone. As you are experiencing your Guruji’s presence always with you, why do you need to worry?! She will take care of your life at every step.” The next day I began doing Yogini Mantra Japa standing in the Ganga. The water was unbearably cold. For a few minutes, I felt it difficult to stand in the water. I was losing my concentration due to the cold, but after ten minutes, I felt alright to stand and do my japa. As usual daily Nakuli brought rotis for me. From early morning to noon I would do japa. After eating the rotis and taking rest for a few hours, I repeated the same japa from evening to midnight, standing in water. Almost two weeks passed this way. I was doing the japa standing in water when the night of my life that I shall remember always unfolded. It was almost midnight. I saw a beautiful woman emerge from the water in front of me, well dressed and decorated with ornaments and flower garland. She was young, in her teens. And the radiant glow on her face was wonderful and attractive. She looked at me and said, “Why are you doing this japa?

And for what? If you are doing it for my sakshatkara (realization), look I am here. Tell me, what are you expecting from me?” With folded hands, I told her, “Maa , I need nothing in particular. Only bless me, Maa ! If I chant and do something for someone using this mantra, let the purpose be served successfully. Bless me Maa to be in bliss always and bless me to always do good for others!” She asked me to open my mouth wide. When I did so, she poured three handfuls of Gangajal with her hand into my mouth and merged with Ganga without saying anything. I went into trance. With much difficulty I returned to the ghat steps. Nakuli was sitting there. She had not slept, but was witnessing what had been going on. With a strange smile on her face, she said, “Son, you got it! You got it! Your coming to Kashi for sadhana has been successful. Now you have Tara and Yogini with you. You can do wonders! You can do miracles now!” I told her that I was not aiming for any miracles, though I would definitely make use of these powers for the betterment of ailing people. And not for any kshamta (capability or competence). Even now I use these two ‘energies’—Tara and Yogini Mantra—for helping people come out of dangerous situations during illness, and get the expected results too. I did the ‘Yogini Mantra Japa ’ for one more week and concluded the sadhana. I told Nakuli that I wanted to leave Kashi for Narmada (Omkareshwar) and if possible do Narmada Parikrama. She must have read the concern I had in my mind of how I was going to go there without money, for she opened her pottli and gave me a few rupee notes that she had received during bhiksha and said, “Son, this will be sufficient for your rail ticket. Go. Go now. But remember this old woman sometimes. Go son, go!” I felt a deep ache in leaving her. With motherly affection she had taken care of my food for the past three months. With shaking hands and eyes in full of tears, I touched her feet and bid farewell to her. She pulled me up and embraced me once, murmured, “Go, son, Go. Go for the best.”

Dom was looking at us. He also stepped down towards us and gave me a 100-rupee note, which he had got as dakshina for cremating a dead body. With a heavy mind and tears in my eyes, I left them both to go to the railway station to catch a train to Indore for my onward journey to Narmada.

Namami Devi Narmade

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was very happy to be back in Narmada. After two days of train and bus journey, I reached Omkareshwar and as usual, stayed at Markandeya Sanyas Ashram. Even though I was tired after my three-month sadhana, I took a staunch decision to go around the Narmada and let it not be a conventional pilgrimage. I decided to stay on the banks of Narmada for at least one year. For a few days I stayed at the ashram. Most of the old and known swamis were not there. A few new faces were there for their studies in Vedanta. I told my decision to Swami Ramanandaji that in a day or two I shall start my Narmada journey. If it was a conventional ‘parikrama ’, I would have to undergo certain rules and regulations. As I wanted it to be free from all these rituals and be without any bindings of parikrama rules I wanted to travel alone. Swamiji asked me to be in the ashram until Poornima (full moon night) and then leave. So, I stayed there for a week more, waiting for Poornima . This time I did not visit Omkareshwar or Amalashwar (both being Jyotir Lingas) as I did not feel like going there. Even during my three months stay at Kashi I had not visited Vishwanatha Mandir or Vishalaskhi or Annapoorna Mandirs. Not because of any aversion, but I did not feel like visiting mandirs . My mind set had changed. I was wondering about the words of Nakuli when she had said that I was destined for a mission. I didn’t know what that mission was? Only one thing I knew—I was like a football rolling in the court without reaching the goal! Of course, the Bengali Baba or Nakuli or others talked about the siddhis . There were no external, visible symptoms of siddhis in me. But these days I noticed one thing, whatever I thought or said it happened. I didn’t know whether it was a siddhi nor not.

On Poornima day I left for my travel. I did not do any sankalpa (definite intention) for parikrama. Usually pilgrims on Narmada parikrama should take a sankalp and carry ‘Narmada jal’ in a bottle to do pooja daily. So, without any pre-conception I started my journey on the southern bank of the Narmada. Daily after walking until noon, I would go to a nearby village for my bhiksha. I took food in my kappar, sat and ate on the banks of the Narmada, and then I rested till the next morning either on the banks of the river or at a nearby temple. And, again resumed walking the next morning. Except for taking food once a day, I never took any tea or snacks, even if someone offered it. Aimless, free of thoughts, without any calculations of the next moment, I simply walked. I saw so many people doing ‘Parikrama Yatra’ , but did not join any group, but walked alone reciting ‘Devi Pranava’ at each and every step. I stopped at a mandir one afternoon. There was a small crowd as villagers had brought a patient seeking blessing of the deity. It was a Shiv mandir . The patient was very restless and had symptoms of being ‘possessed by a devil’. He had a well-built body, and was shouting, shivering and murmuring. Sitting on the verandah of the mandir , I was observing his actions. His wife and children were crying and a few villagers who had accompanied the patient were also very much worried. While they were offering some flowers and praying to the deity, the ‘possessed’ patient shouted and everybody was afraid. I thought I should do something to help him and held him with my left hand and pressed him in his ‘Bhru Madhya’ (on the forehead in the middle of his eyebrows) and chanted mantra once. To my wonder he fell down at once and laid down calm. His eyes were closed. Now the shouting and shivering were not there. The villagers came near and saw that he was lying as if unconscious. They looked at me. When I took some water from my kamandal and sprinkled it on his face with the same mantra , he opened his eyes and sat up and did pranams to me.

The villagers were very happy as the man was normal now. They asked me about my whereabouts. I told them I was just a wandering monk, and will move after resting in this mandir tonight. All of them left in a happy mood. Evening arathi was in progress. By this time another swamiji also reached there. He was also in Narmada parikrama . He said that he was from Bengal and belonged to Bharat Seva Sangh . The man, who was relieved from the ‘possession’, with his wife and children came with some food for me. I did not accept it for two reasons—one, I had already had my one-time bhiksha from the village at noon. Second, if I did accept this, it would be counted as a reward for relieving him from the possession. I told them that the swamiji sitting near had nothing to eat that day. So they better give the food to him. Happily they did so. I went to a corner of the verandah , and looking and praying to Narmada I lay down there.

Narmade Har … Har … Har

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heard the sound of ‘Narmade har ’ (salutations to holy river Narmada). The other swami was ready to move. The first rays of the sun were just shining. The customary greeting at Narmada by those who were doing parikrama was ‘Narmade har’ . This phrase has a very deep meaning. Nar + mad + har (nar = man, mad = ego, har = wipe out). I felt that the meaning can be chanted as a prayer, ‘wipe out the ego of man’. In another sense it is a prayer to Narmada and Shiva. The other swamiji left saying ‘Narmade har ’. I woke and sat up. Now the poojari of that mandir (from the nearby village) also came. He was accompanied by a few villagers. Yesterday’s ‘possessed’ man and his family came as well. He requested me to stay back at their village for a few days. The villagers from the banks of Narmada may be poor regarding worldly possessions, but they are rich in their hearts. If they liked a person or sadhu, they treated him as God! Once again they asked me to go with them to the village. I assured them that after my bath and pooja, I would definitely go to their village and will take ‘Madukari Bhiksha ’ (taking Bhiksha from five houses in kappar —the practice of wandering monks). They did their pranams to me and left. I too left to Narmada for bath, etc. I never thought that such things will happen. After bath and after my japa I went to the village around noon for my bhiksha. I went to five houses, collected whatever they offered in my kappar and sat under a tree to eat. Three or four rotis , dal , little vegetables, rice and even butter milk and chutney was filled in my kappar . I was just washing my hand before offering my collected food to Narmada, and as I sat under the tree, a few villagers with their family (women, children and old people) came and sat around me. I was wondering what was happening. I had just started eating food after mixing everything together. The villagers started telling me about

their ailments, or some bhoota baadha (being possessed by a ghost), etc. Somehow these people came to know of the previous day’s incident at the mandir . They thought I was a siddha , and could solve any problem. I told them very humbly that I knew nothing to heal them from ailments or ghost possessions. By this time a few more villagers joined us. Each and every one had this or that problem. Even though I repeatedly told them that I knew nothing, they did not believe me as they had come to know of the previous day’s episode. I wondered how I could get out of this situation. I told them to chant ‘Narmade hara, Narmade hara’ and during their chanting, with a prayer in my mind, I started giving them a little bit food as ‘prasadam’ from my kappar. Everybody was happy to receive it and one by one they left. I too completed my food immediately and left the village to the banks of the Narmada from the mandir. I thought, I must leave the place; if not there will be a bigger crowd next day. Immediately I resumed my journey. Even though sunset time was near, I could not find a village or mandir . As I started immediately after food I was tired and felt my stomach very heavy. I decided to stay on the sands of the Narmada that night. This area was not in the forest so there was nothing to worry. From here and there, I collected some dry cow dung and some fire wood. At sunset I lit a fire. (Because of first yatra experience, this yatra I always kept one or two match boxes with me.) I had a bath and sat near the fire doing japa . I slept on the sand and had a dream. I saw that I was in a fort in a dense forest. And I was locked in a room made of rocks. I could see through the window of the room a very big homa kunda (fire altar) in the courtyard of the fort, where fire in a homa kunda was burning. A teenage girl, who was fully naked, but wearing a flower garland and sword in her hand appeared in front of the homa kunda. She sat near it and lifted her hand with

sword and started cutting off her hands, legs and other organs one by one and putting them in the homa agni (fire). Now as she was just cutting her head, a very big beam of light emerged from the homa kunda and for a moment everything vanished. I woke up from the dream. I was sweating. What a ferocious dream that was! What could be the meaning of this? I had to analyse the dream! At midnight on the banks of the Narmada, I sat near the fire, all alone. Again and again I tried to analyse the dream. I felt this dream was symbolic. Forest can be the symbol of materialism. The burning fire in the homa kunda could be desire. The naked girl—the jeeva (living being). So symbolically, when jeeva cut off her desires (different body parts) and when finally the ego (head) was cut, realization happened. When realization happened, a beam of light emerged! I thought that this could be the explanation for the dream. I did not know whether this was a message for me. Even now, I am unable to interpret the dream in detail. I could not sleep after that. I simply sat near the fire and thought of several things. I could not concentrate and do japa either. I simply sat looking at the fire and thinking about the dream, until morning. I had my bath right away and resumed my walking.

Just a Journey—Neither Pilgrimage Nor Picnic!

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continued my journey. When I reached Hapeshwar, I remembered my last journey to Narmada how much I suffered because of diarrhoea and weakness. However, during the last few months’ journey, my health had been quite good. I reached Soolpaneshwar mandir. The work at the dam site was yet to be completed. The old poojari who helped me reach Narpat Bhai during my last journey was not there. Here the Government was planning to shift the mandir from the original site to some higher place as this area would be submerged once the dam work was over. The poojari at Soolpaneshwar mandir had also been replaced. I slept at that mandir at night and resumed my journey next day early morning. Narpat Bhai and family were very happy to see me once again and they told me that they never thought I would be back again and meet them. Their children had grown up a little. They were still continuing their seva to the travellers doing Narmada parikrama . I stayed there for a few days. On the other side was my old school Sri Rama Krishna English Medium school. Narpat Bhai said the swamiji was not there. Even then I sent a word to the people there that I was back. Some of the teachers came to meet me. That girl who ‘loved’ me and to whom I had initiated the ‘Bala ’ (child) mantra was also with the other teachers. She had married a person working in the government service and now had a child—boy. I was happy to hear that she had settled down and was happy with her family life. I resumed my journey next day via Garudeshwar, Nareshwar and after a few days journey reached at the confluence of Narmada. I was told to cross this area by a boat in river to reach the other shore of Narmada. I waited for two days to get the country boat to cross the river. There were few more parikrama vasis , waiting for the boat. Because of

high tide the boatman was not ready to row. On the morning of the third day, a few of us sat in the country boat and crossed that area of the sea. I was very much afraid to sit on the boat as it was jumping and dancing due to the waves of the sea. By evening we all reached safely to the other side of Narmada. This is the northern bank of Narmada. I stayed at the seashore itself on that day to avoid any company for my onward journey. Next day I started the journey. Almost tired and bored, I wished to break my journey once again. On the other hand, my mind was arguing to continue the journey. Somehow, I continued my journey towards upper streams via Nareshwar and Garudeshwar. Nareshwar is the place where I visited the samadhi of the famous ‘Ranga Avadhoota’ . Garudeshwar is a place known for Vasudevananda Saraswati (who is known as ‘Datta Avatara’ ). Once again I reached Kevadia where I had stayed in the school earlier. I stayed there for one day and resumed my journey for Hapeshwar next day. I was told by the priest at Hapeshwar Shiva Mandir that the way through ‘Lakad-kot-Jhadi ’ will be very difficult as that area was infested with snakes. He instructed me not to go alone and be in the company of two or three to cover the day-long journey of that jhadi. As the priest instructed, I was accompanied by two-three parikrama vasis to cover the jhadi . This forest is inhabited by poisonous snakes. One has to cover the journey at a stretch. We tried to walk fast but I was tired in the middle of the journey. I sat under a tree for a few minutes to rest, while the others moved on. I was all alone. All of a sudden from the branch of the tree a snake fell down on my right shoulder. I was frightened and started running. For a few yards the snake also followed me. Somehow I reached the group with whom I started walking from Hapeshwar. The journey was pleasant then onwards. I left those parikrama vasis on the north of Khedi ghat and again my journey was alone. Without much

hurry, I just walked towards the upper streams of the Narmada. It took more than one month to reach Amarkantak after leaving the place known as ‘Chaubis Avatar ’ (the north bank, opposite to Omkareshwar). Amarkantak is the forest where Narmada originates. I stayed at ‘Mayee Ki Bagia ’ (a natural grove of trees, dedicated to Goddess Narmada—from where Narmada originates and flows from a kund [tank or small reservoir]) for three days. From there I had to travel about a quarter of the total distance to reach Omkareshwar. On the fourth day, I resumed journey towards Omkareshwar. Now I was again on the south bank of Narmada. Crossing dry and barren lands, hills, small forests and villages, I was moving towards Omkareshwar. Near Mandala on the banks of Narmada, while I was taking rest one afternoon, I saw a young sanyasini in red clothes and kumkum tilak, holding a big trishool on her right hand sitting on the banks in dhyana . After her dhyana she told me that she had always travelled on the banks of Narmada for past ten years. She never left Narmada and had never gone to any village to stay. Of course, daily she would go to some village to take bhiksha and rest on the sands of Narmada. She never took it as her parikrama but just being with Narmada always. She told her experiences of meeting several siddhas on the banks of Narmada. She had left her home at the age of 15 and for last ten years she had been living with Narmada. I was wondering about her life and sadhana. Next day I resumed journey leaving her there. As usual taking daily bhiksha at a village and resting on the sand or rocks of Narmada, I travelled for over a month or so and finally reached my destination Omkareshwar. This was the nineteenth month after leaving Omkareshwar. I stayed at Swami Ramanandji’s Ashram for a few days!

Life—A Dry Leaf

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t Omkareshwar there is a Vigyansala Ashram near the Markandeya Sanyas Ashram. I used to see an old swami wearing only a loin-cloth sitting in front of Vigyansala, on the banks of Narmada. I had noticed that he was always busy, removing dry leaves lying scattered and gathered them at one place. With the flow of the wind the dry leaves would again spread here and there. Again he collected the dry leaves and kept them at one place. This was repeated the whole day. I was very curious about his action. He never talked to anybody and only concentrated on his work of collecting dry leaves the whole day. I was sure something mysterious was hidden in his actions. None of the sadhus ever went near him or talked to him or fed him. I think they thought that this old man could be mad. One day I decided to go to feed him something. I wrapped a few rotis and vegetable in one leaf from the ashram kitchen and went near him. Even though I was afraid of going near him, I prayed to my Guruji and went near and offered food to him. He looked at my face for a few minutes, with a calm and composed face but with a very serious look, and gestured me to keep it near him. Now I felt he was not dangerous. I kept the roti near him and I sat down. I felt he did not like my sitting near him. Even his facial expression was like that; he said nothing for a long time and sat in silence looking at the food as if he was in a prayer. After some time I gained a little courage and told him, “Baba , please eat the rotis .” He looked at me, then at the Narmada, then at his hands, and then started eating the rotis. I was happy and was relieved from tension. I brought Narmada jal in my kamandal and offered him for drinking. As he was very old, and had no teeth, it took much time for him to chew the rotis. After he completed the food, drank water and washed hands,

he again started to collect the dry leaves without caring about me. I was simply sitting there and thinking what could be the meaning of this meaningless thing he was doing. All of a sudden he came near me and sat quietly. I took some courage and asked him, “Baba , the whole day you are collecting dry leaves and putting them at one place. But the wind takes them away. And again you collect the dry leaves; can you tell me what the purpose is for doing this?” He looked at my face; his face was like that of a small child. He said in a murmuring sound, “Son, this is the symbol of life. You earn wealth—material or spiritual—and just you are depositing it without proper use, the next moment the wind—death—comes and scatters whatever you collected. This is life. The earning—material or spiritual— must be utilized for the betterment of others. If not, then life of a person is irrelevant, meaningless, and immaterial!” I wondered, this old Baba in a loincloth talking about practical philosophy. So he is doing it and showing everyone, but nobody cares, everybody’s eyes are covered with Maya (worldly illusions)—as they think whatever they accumulate, it will go with them even to Para Loka (world beyond death). He looked at me again and said, “Now again it is time for you to go to Himalayas. Go, go and have darshan 52 (an opportunity of seeing a holy person/deity) at your Master’s feet. Go to Gyanganj . Gyanganj ! I was very astonished! This man knew about Gyanganj ? The old Baba told me again, “I knew the day you came to Omkareshwar. I know your Guru , Paramaguru , even Maha Tapa —the head of Gyanganj —as I also belong to Gyanganj . Better that you go to Badrinath. 53 First spend one chaturmas (holy period of four months) there, then go to Tapovan (located above Gangotri). Someone will take you to Gyanganj.” I was sweating after hearing all this. With an accumulated courage in mind I asked, “Baba , my pranams to you. You know everything, but I have one doubt, why are you hiding your identity. Instead of collecting dry leaves, you can go to the society and tell them how to live a practical life, materially or spiritually.”

He laughed at me and said, “Son, this is Kaliyuga . No one will understand the real thing or real soul. Everybody is in their masks, and think they are wise and safe. So, instead of wasting my time with people, I am trying to show symbolically what is real. They think I am mad and never come to me. Now you go, let me do my job. Go!” His face changed. I thought it was better to leave, before he got angry. I touched his feet with all reverence and was about to leave. He gave me a dry leaf as ‘prasadam ’ and asked me to keep it till I reach Gyanganj . I returned to the ashram, sweating, and with a mind filled with thoughts about the old Baba , holding the ‘dry leaf’ in my hand.

Towards Badri—Via Jammu, Haridwar

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ext day, I went to Jammu ashram (which was under construction) and stayed there for a few days. Guru Poornima was nearing and I was planning to go to Haridwar enroute Badrinath for my stay during chaturmas . Ashram works were in progress. I told the devotees there that I would be moving to Haridwar to go to Badrinath for my chaturmas . Somehow my mind was not at all adjusting to stay at Jammu village. I stayed there for a week, only following the same routine I had. The next week I reached Haridwar and stayed at Ram Kutir ashram for a week. I told Krishna Mataji about my plan to go to Badrinath before Guru Poornima , as the days of chaturmas began on the Ekadasi (the eleventh day in the lunar calendar as per the Hindi mythology) before Guru Poornima . There were only two weeks left for Ekadasi . So, I decided to start as early as possible. After a week’s stay there, I left for Badrinath by bus. Krishna Mataji gave me Rs. 500 for my journey. I kept a pair of blankets and a plastic sheet, a set of clothes, my kamandal and kappar for journey. Bus journey through the Himalayan hills was exciting. Second day I reached Badrinath. The priest (known as Raval) was from Kerala, and I knew him. After having darshan at the temple and meeting the priest, I went around in search of a room to stay for my chaturmas . But most of the rooms in the ashrams were meant for pilgrims and even at Kalikambli kshetram, 54 I failed to get a room. I went to the hot water spring after a full day’s search for a room. Tired and depressed, I just sat there during the whole night. It was very cold and it was drizzling. Early next morning, pilgrims, sadhus and others reached the hot water spring for their bath. A known old sanyasi was among them.

Seeing me, he came near and wished me. During our talk he said he was leaving for Rishikesh as he had already stayed in Badrinath for one or two months. He said he is vacating the cave where he stayed for the last two months and if I wished I could occupy it for my chaturmas . That cave belonged to one Udasi swami who stayed there for a few years. Dineshananda had left that cave and moved to Gangotri. Nobody had claimed authority of the cave, and I could stay there without any disturbance. I agreed and went with him to see the cave. It was behind the mandir, in the middle of the big snow-clad hill—known as Narayana parvat . It was a big cave, which could accommodate more than three people. I was happy to get an accommodation and was thanking the swami again and again. For bhiksha , I had to walk down to Kalikambli Annakshetra which was about 45-minute walk. So daily I had to walk about 1.5 hours, which I wanted to avoid. Before leaving, swamiji gave me an idea. He said it would be good to collect the leftover rotis and puris from the annakshetra and dry and store them in a covered cloth. Thus, daily I could take out a few rotis and eat. Swamiji left me in the evening. Next day I contacted the annakshetra managers with a request to give me left over rotis and puris . I told them I was staying in the cave, and with their help I would be able to do my chaturmas at Badrinath. Before Ekadasi I collected rotis/puris from two or three annakshetras, and also purchased some salt and chilli powder. Water was not a problem as a small stream flowed near the cave. I spread the rotis and puris on the rock under the sun to dry them. It was an exercise for two–three days. I had to sit near the rotis and puris because if nobody was near them they might be eaten by grazing goats or animals. After drying I folded them in a piece of cloth and kept it in the cave. On Ekadasi day I took the sankalpa for chaturmas vrat . After two days I felt simply sitting in the cave and looking at hills was not worthy. Anyhow I had to stay there for four months. Before Deepavali (the day of

closing of the Badrinath temples for winter), I thought I could easily complete my japa purascharan on shodashi once again. So, on Guru Poornima day I took a sankalpa of my 11th Srividya Purascharan . There was no need for a daily bath as the weather was very good. During my stay at that cave, I used to take bath very rarely. Daily after washing hands and face, before I started the japa chanting, I used to take two rotis or sometimes three puris . First l soaked it in water and then added some salt and chilli powder. I took this food daily. But it was not at all sufficient for my young body. But I was worried if I ate more, the rotis/puris will be over, and again I would have to go to collect it from the annakshetra. Daily I used to do japa for more than eighteen hours and slept only four hours at night. Here at this cave I developed the quality of not sleeping. Every evening before sunset, I went around for a walk for some 30 minutes. Except for the Bhotia 55 ladies who took their goats for grazing, there was no other visitor at the cave. They also never disturbed me, only just peeped in the cave to see whether I was there or not and just they did namaskars from outside and left silently. My matted hair, thin body, dirty clothes, starved body, everything made me look very dull. I looked like a beggar or a mad man in those days.

Badrinath—Chaturmas in a Cave

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hese were one of the best days during my sadhana . Cool wind from Himalayas, in serenity, without any disturbances, I continued my japa . Almost one month passed after my japa started and usually nobody visited me. I felt bored of eating the same thing daily. But there was no other way, as I did not want to disturb my sadhana , so the idea of going to any annakshetra and eating rice or dal was far from my mind. Maya was not ready to leave me even at the Himalayan caves. One day the priest, Raval, who came to know that I was staying at the cave to do sadhana, sent a kerosene stove, a few small utensils, two packets of milk powder and a plastic container full of kerosene for my use. He also sent a tiffin carrier through his assistant with rice, vegetables and other eatables. Of course, I ate the rice and vegetable but returned the kerosene stove, etc., with a lot of thanks. Also I conveyed a message through his assistant not to send anything, even eatables, as I was happy with what I had. One day I saw the rotis and puris covered with fungus because of cold. Moreover they were more than one month old. Now there was no way other than to go down to the annakshetra to collect food again and preserve it. Next day, I went to Kalikambili and Gujarathi annakshetras and collected maximum number of rotis . This time I could get only rotis . As before I dried and stored them. Now a new idea came to my mind. Next day onwards I collected few dry sticks and roots lying here and there. Daily I used to make little fire and warmed up 2–3 rotis before eating. I mixed a few drops of water with chilly and salt mix, and it looked like chutney now. In that cold, hot rotis with chilly chutney was a good relief. But may be because of eating chilli powder, it was very difficult for me to urinate as it would burn. So I started drinking more water to

neutralize the effect of the pepper. One day one of the Bhotia ladies while going with her herd of sheep came to me with some khichadi made of bajra . Even though at first I denied needing it, but later I had it because of her affectionate cajoling. She told me that a baba stayed on the top of the hill in a cave. She used to take khichadi for him also often. Now the curiosity of meeting my neighbour developed in me. After a few days I went to the top of the hill to meet him. It took more than three hours to reach the front of his cave. Unlike my cave, his cave was big and had a wooden door too. Without a second thought, and not even exercising the courtesy of knocking the door, I pushed the door slowly and opened it. Nobody was there! To my wonder, I could see the asan , jalpatra , etc., intact and I heard the continuous chanting of ‘Om ’. Of course, the Baba was there, but he was invisible! It was a shock to me. It may have been because of my ego that he was not visible, as I had entered the cave without permission. I felt bad for the mistake I had made. I did namaskars to the asan and told him to forgive my mistake. The ‘Om ’ sound was now very clear. I came out of the cave with a heavy heart. I was repenting the mistake I had committed. Thinking that I missed meeting a siddha in the Himalayas, I came down to my cave. That day it was impossible for me to do the japa as I was thinking about the mistake I made. That night I simply lay down on my asan and did not do any japa . My mind was very much disturbed. I heard a sound calling, “Baba, Maharaj ” from outside. I wondered who it could be this late at night. Even during the day time nobody came to me. I came out of the cave. With dim light from the sky I could see a maharaj with very long matted hair and beard standing there. I was very much afraid. He said, “Why be afraid? Come near me. I am the one staying at the in the cave above the hill. You came to meet me in the morning, but you were not able to. So, don’t worry, I am here! I came to meet you maharaj .”

I fell down at his feet and cried. I requested him not to curse me for the mistake I made by opening the door of his cave without his permission. He lifted me from his feet holding my both hands, embraced me and said, “To err is very common for man, don’t worry about what happened. Now you forget what happened. Sit near me. I have something to tell you.” I sat near him. Even now some fear was running in my mind. He said, “I know you are a good sadhak . Since the day you came here, I have been observing you. I am also doing chaturmas here. After chaturmas I am planning to go to Tapovan. If you are willing, you can come with me.” He told me in detail about Tapovan. We have to walk 3 or 4 days on the snowy hills to reach there. Usually nobody stayed there. But for past two years one Swamy Vijayanand was staying there alone. I told the maharaj that after completion of chaturmas and my japa I would happily join him to travel to Tapovan. He kept his hand on my head and murmured mantras for few seconds. He got up and walked away very fast to the higher hills. I sat there for a long time. I was unable to explain my feelings. I sat there till the morning as a stone idol. Even in the cold wind I was sweating. Next morning, I started my japa. I was happy that the swamiji had forgiven my mistake and blessed me. He was even ready to take me with him to Tapovan. My japa purashcharan at the cave went on very well. Almost 75 days were over since I started staying at this cave, so once again I went to the annakshetra to collect my food. I got a large quantity of puris this time. This was the balance of previous days’ bhandara (religious community feast) at the kshetra . As usual I dried it under the sun and kept it in a cloth bundle. l thought that this would be sufficient till my chaturmas ended.

End of Chaturmas

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y body was getting weaker day by day as I was not taking proper food. Because of eating old puris my stomach got upset and daily I developed diarrhoea. I was thinking that I should stop eating the old puris . One day, one of the managers of the Gujarathi annakshetra came to meet me with a few visiting Gujarathi devotees. I discussed with him about my problem of eating old puris . He told me that from the following day onwards he would arrange to send daily rice and dal and also asked me to throw away the old puris . The devotees came with him offered some money to me but I did not accept it, as money was not needed during that time. What would I do with money in a cave? Next day onwards the manager of Gujarathi annakshetra sent me either rice and dal or khichadi . Now I was very happy. My japa was going on well. There was a military camp near Mana village, a few hours walk from my cave. They brought some biscuits for me. There was one Balan Nair from Kozhikode (Kerala) among the military jawans who visited me. They were wondering about my way of life there. They assured that they would send biscuit packets every week for me. But I told them not to send it as I was getting my bhiksha from Gujarathi kshetram . I counted the number of days by keeping a pebble each day. This is the fourth month, and on Poornima, chaturmas would end. I thought in these three months I might have completed the japa sankhya of chanting 16 lakh times. Even then I decided to continue japa as usual until Poornima ! One day Raval, the priest from Badrinath, came to meet me with a few of his assistants. Raval was a native of Pazhayannur (Kerala). Ravalji asked me to come to the mandir and his residence after the completion of my japa

purascharan . He also requested me to take bhiksha one day at his residence, near Badrinath mandir . He was happy that a sanyasi from Kerala was doing tapas at Badrinath. He also brought some old editions of Mathrubhumi (Malayalam newspaper) for me to read. Daily I got bhiksha from Gujarathi annakshetra . One of the workers from the kitchen used to bring it. The bundle of puris was lying on one corner of cave. I asked the shepherd lady whether it was advisable to feed old puris to sheep/goats but she said she will take the puris to her house and prepare some dish out of those old puris. She took them, and next day she brought some dish made out of those old puris . She mixed it with onion, ginger, chilly, and boiled potato after powdering the dry puris . Of course it was a new thing to me but it was very tasty. I told her that I would leave for Tapovan after Poornima . On Poornima , I concluded my 11th purascharan and the sankalp of chaturmas . I went up the hills next day to meet the Baba staying at the cave there. This time I was very conscious not to commit any mistakes. Baba was sitting on a rock outside the cave. Very happily he received me and took me to his cave. I told him about the conclusion of my japa and he was also ready to go to Tapovan in two or three days. He also offered me some khichadi made of bajra , which that Bhotia lady had brought for baba . Next day I visited Badrinath temple. Raval took me through another gate (the gate meant for priests) and I had a good darshan. I had a very nice bhiksha at his residence. They made food in Kerala style. With rice, sambar , curry, papad , pickles and even yogurt! The food took my memories back to Kerala. Near his residence I saw an Adi Shankaracharya Murthi. Here Shankara was not having a dand in his hands, and inside there is a Shankaracharya gaddi also. I did namaskars and left them for the Gujarathi annakshetra.

I conveyed my heartfelt thanks the manager and his assistants for sending me food during the last few days. I also informed them about my programme to go to Tapovan in a day or two. By evening I came back to my cave. Next day morning the Baba who was staying up the hills came to me. He told me that he was ready to start the travel following day. I was also ready. There was nothing in particular to pack up. I was waiting for the Baba to come next day. He turned up in the morning and I kept my blankets on my shoulder, held the kamandal and kappar in hand, and said goodbye to the cave and Badrinath which accommodated me for four months.

Towards Tapovan

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ust as I was coming out of the cave, the shepherd lady came running. She brought two packets of khichadi made of bajra one for me and the other for baba . She was very happy to reach in time before we left the place for our onward journey. We kept the packets of khichadi with us and slowly started walking. This is life! To reach a goal one has to struggle like anything. Only then one reaches the goal either today or tomorrow. It was more than five hours since we left Badrinath. I did not know the way or how to proceed on the snow-clad hills; I was just following that unknown baba , with one aim in my mind—Tapovan! After a few hours of journey, we sat near a stream and took the bajra khichadi . Baba told me that the shepherd lady used to bring food for him often. After eating again we resumed our journey. There was no sign of any village nor did we see anybody on those Himalayan hills. All around there was a disturbing silence. I tried to concentrate on my japa of Devi Pranava. Baba was also walking in silence. By evening we reached a small forest. Here and there some snow was found. We decided to stay there at night. Baba said this area was haunted by Himalayan white bears, and they were dangerous. So, before sunset we collected some fire wood and built a camp fire. Fire would save us from wild animals. Climbing up and down the hills, I was tired. My legs were aching and more over I felt hungry too. For both of us, there was nothing to eat. I put some ice in my kamandal and when it melted, I drank that water. On either sides of the fire we kept our asan and simply lay down.

In these unknown Himalayan hills, with an unknown Baba , I was alone. Of course by my Guruji’s Kripa , nothing to fear, my mind was saying that again and again. Darkness covered the hills. My mind was wandering here and there even though I was tired of a day long walking; because thoughts were dominating my mind, I could not sleep. I got up and sat and started doing japa. Baba already slept on the other side of the fire. After sometime I saw a very big man-like form appearing towards me. It came near. Now it was visible very clearly. Of course it was not a human being but a very big bhalu (white Himalayan bear). Slowly it came near—at a little distance. I was very afraid. I thought it might attack me any moment and I was shivering with fear; I tried to wake up Baba sleeping on the other side of the fire, but he was in deep sleep. Slowly time passed. The bear was sitting close by. Now Baba woke up and saw the bear. He told me that the Almighty had sent this bear as a guard, and by the first rays of sun the bear left us. After morning ablutions we both resumed our journey. The second day of our journey was tougher than the previous day. There was no food for us. We were walking by just drinking ice water. By afternoon I felt that it would be very difficult for me to continue walking. My legs were aching badly and I felt I was very weak. But the encouraging words of Baba made me walk. The silence and serenity of the hills gave me more energy to walk. Both of us were tired and we sat on rocks for some time. To the furthest distance, we could only see snow-bound hills. The cold wind was blowing. Baba told me to walk again as we had to reach some safe place before sunset. Constantly we were climbing up and down the hills. Even when it was almost sunset hour, we could not find a suitable place to take rest at night. So we decided to sit somewhere on the rocks, where there was no or little snow, for the whole night. It was a dangerous night. A disturbing and fearful night in total silence. Baba was lost in his thoughts. He talked

very less. He said that if we walked at a good speed we would reach Tapovan by next evening. The whole night we sat on a big rock lost in our own thoughts. There was not much space for us to lie down. Suddenly it started drizzling. Even though we covered our bodies with a plastic sheet we were drenched and started shivering because of the cold. By morning the rain stopped and we resumed journey. Today was the third day without food. The movements to the hilltop were very slow. Legs were aching and swollen due to frost bite. I did not have a pair of shoes. Baba was wearing a canvas shoe. The whole day we walked, walked and walked. By evening we had reached a small forest. Baba told me that we had reached Tapovan and Swami Vijayanand was staying here in a small kutia . We both went around in search of the kutia .

Tapovan

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apovan is a small forest surrounded by snow-bound hills. The complete silence and non-polluted atmosphere was very pleasant. Usually nobody stayed there as there was no village or market nearby. Last few years Swami Vijayanand was staying there alone. Often he went to Joshimath to purchase essentials. A small kutia was built there by him for his stay. Swamiji was very happy to receive us. A pet, a big Himalayan white bear, was sitting near him. It seemed that the bear disliked our presence and made a ‘gurrr… gurrr... ’ sound; Swamiji introduced us to him and asked it to sit quietly. The bear went out; maybe our presence was disturbing it. We did our ablutions and had roti and dal made by swamiji. It was almost dark. I was very tired and with permission of both swamijis I went to sleep in a corner of that room. Both of them sat near the dhuni and started talking. I had a very deep sleep and woke up late in the morning. When I woke up I saw that both swamijis were continuing their talks. On one corner the bhalu (pet of swamiji, the bear) was sleeping with loud snores which were a bit disturbing. I had a detailed talk on Gyanganj with them. Of course, they had heard the name of Gyanganj or Shambhala or Shangri-la , but where the actual place existed was unknown to them. Swamiji told me that if I walked for a few days, l could reach Tibet. But he was in no mood to spare me as he was planning to go to Joshimath for his purchases. I was also tired. Vijayanand and the other Baba got ready to move next day. I was wondering why this Baba had travelled three days climbing hills and even without food - was it only to escort me up to Tapovan? I was in wonder, but was a little afraid of asking the Baba why he came to Tapovan and was leaving immediately. Swamiji showed his store (in a wooden box) of atta , dal , etc., also he

instructed me to feed his pet and friend (the bear) three rotis two times a day. I was afraid. Swamiji called out for the bear and asked it to sit near me, and told that as Swamiji was going for purchases, I would have to take care of it. It seemed the bear fully understood. It was a lovely animal; even though it was stinking, I wanted to touch it. Next day morning Baba and Swamiji left leaving me alone. Yes, of course the bear was there. I was afraid of staying alone. The bear used to sit at a corner or sleep on Swamiji’s asan without any disturbance to me. I made rotis and some dal , and after feeding the bear, I also had my share. I felt it was like an offering of naivedyam . After food I sat near the dhuni . At such a high altitude, without fire nearby one cannot survive. Even though it looked dangerous, the bear was sitting very calmly near the fire, as if in deep meditation! There was no need to sit and make efforts for meditation at Tapovan. The silence, serenity, surroundings, everything makes you meditate automatically, always! I was enjoying the deep silence in and around me. Hours and hours passed. I came back to normal mood after a long time. Now it was almost noon. I came out of the kutia and walked a few steps. The bear followed me. I collected some fire wood lying here and there from that small forest. I felt that the bear was very clever. Swamiji might have trained it. Now there was no fear in me about that animal. In the evening after feeding it, I took my food. It was severely cold. I slept early near the dhuni. At night I felt something spongy near me. I woke up and to my wonder I saw that the bear was sleeping next to me. Of course, I did not disturb its sleep, but my sleep was very much disturbed because of its smell as well as its snoring. In the early hours, while it was near dawn, I heard a sound near me and woke up. To my wonder, Bhruguram Paramahamsa was standing near me.

He was the same as I had seen him before. He said, “Oh! You are back in the Himalayas. I know that you have once again done purascharana at Badrinath. I am very happy with your sadhana . Be here till Swami Vijayananda comes. I will take you to Gyanganj this time. Remember one thing. You should be there for few days for your higher sadhana in Srividya .” I was happy to hear this. Now finally Gyanganj was being opened for me. There was no limit to my happiness. Bhruguramji said “I will come back to you after five days. Be ready to go with me. Also remember, life at Gyanganj is not so easy. You have to undergo very strict discipline. And you have to practice it. I am sure you are capable for it.” He disappeared and I sat near the dhuni for a long time lost in my thoughts.

Towards Gyanganj - I

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he bear was good company for me. But if I was late in making roti or feed it, it used to make ‘grr...grr... ’ sounds, in anger. I noticed that it never left the cottage for a long time. Three days passed very nicely in the company of the bear. I felt as if it was a near and dear one to me. On the fourth day evening Vijayananda came back. One Bhotia coolie was also with him carrying some big bundles. The bear ran towards him, embraced him and started licking Swamiji . It was like a small child running towards his father, whom he meets after a long time. I told him that I was about to go to Tibet as I was expecting my Paratpara Guru any time now to take me to Gyanganj . He kept quiet for some time and told me it all can be an illusion as Gyanganj is a myth and not a reality. He said that people used to tell a lot of stories about their mysterious experiences of their Himalayan life, but most of them were myths or exaggerated stories of their intuitions. But I told him that what I experienced was true to me, and as he had not experienced it could be a myth for him. To me Gyanganj was a truth, from where my Guru Parampara originated. Next day while I was sitting near the fire, I heard somebody calling me from outside. Swamiji was sitting and reading some book. I went out and at last Bhruguram Paramahamsa was there. I told Swamiji that Bhruguramji had come and that I was leaving. I took my blankets, kamandal , kappar and came out ready to move. Swamiji also came out and said, “Nobody is here. Have you gone mad? Where are you going?” I did namaskars to Bhruguramji and started moving—but I heard the sound of Swamiji, “Arre, Nadanand, pagalpan mat kar. Tum akele kahan ja rahe ho ?” (Hey Nadanand! Stop being crazy. Where are you going alone?) Now the bear also came near. I told him that I was going and touched the bear with affection and moved with Bhruguramji.

I was wondering why Bhruguramji was not visible to Swamiji . He was holding my hand and walking. It was a truth not a myth. Maybe by reading my mind, he said, “Son, everybody is not seen by everybody. Can you see the atoms near you? No! Like that I appeared as an atom and manifested only for your vision. Moreover, I have nothing to do with that Swamiji! I came for you only.” This atom and manifestation—nothing could be digested by me. I asked him to make the theory clear. He said, “An atom of our existence (consciousness) can be sent anywhere with the thought waves. Once it reaches the destination with the sankalpa , it will take a form or manifest. I will teach you the technique of ‘Doora Gamanam’ . It is pure science. If you fully concentrate, you can take the thought waves to another destination. This should be done with strong sankalpa and you can take out an atom and order it to go with your thought waves and manifest at the destination.” Even now nothing was clear to me. I just walked with him. He was silent and was moving towards the hills very fast. After a long journey of six to seven hours, we reached the banks of a river. A small river, flowing down from the hills, with crystal-clear water, Bhruguramji opened a pottli from his shoulder bag and gave it to me. Few rotis and potato curry was there; he told me to eat and take rest there till he returns and he disappeared. I ate those rotis and drank water from the small river. I felt sleepy and just laid down on the banks of that river waiting for his arrival. It was almost dark when I woke up from my sleep. Nobody was near me. Bhruguramji had not yet returned and it was almost dark. I was wondering what to do? A little fear was enveloping my mind. In this unknown Himalayan hill, near this river, in the cold wind—even without fire near me, I was alone! The whole night he had not returned, while I was sitting and doing my japa . Even though the mantra was on my lips, my mind was here and there, thinking what next! There was not even a single sound. Even the sound of wind was not there. I was shivering of cold and because of fear

sleep also left me. After quite some time, finally, I saw a light appearing towards me. It came near; oh! It was Bhruguramji Paramahamsa. With the dim light of sky I could easily recognize him. He came near to me and sat. He said, “It seems you are afraid to be alone here. Fear in the path of spiritual life is meaningless. Non-fear and non-attachment must be the first two qualities you have to develop in this spiritual life. You might have thought I left you alone here. Son, I went to your Guru Tara and told her about your journey to Gyanganj . Look, this is the prasadam from Mookambika.” He opened his hands and gave me some kumkum , and it was of course the same as the Mookambika kumkum . Without doubting, I applied it on my forehead. I wanted to ask him about my Guruji and her health. Reading my mind he said, “Do not worry. Tara is fine in her health. She was happy to hear that you are with me.” I felt at ease! My Guruji always remembered me. After a gap of several years’, I got Mookambika kumkum again today. There was no limit to my happiness.

Towards Gyanganj—II

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arly morning we both started climbing the snow-covered hills. Bhruguramji was in silence. I too was quiet, but I was thinking about myself! What is all this for? Endless journey and limit-less sufferings? Is it a must to reach the ultimate reality? Why sufferings to me only? I have seen so many swamis and gurus living high-profile lives, very happy. It seems in their life they have no sufferings. Very well-arranged rooms, good food, lot of assistants to take care of them, they are enjoying their lives royally. But for me it was constant travel, without food and sleep! Bhruguramji stopped for a while and looked at me pointedly. He might have read my thoughts, he said, “To make a necklace out of gold, the gold is first burnt in fire, and then hammered, finally the mala (necklace) is ready, and then only it is used to decorate a deity’s idol. Your life is also like that. You have to be burnt in fire, hammered and filed, and now you are ready to be offered to the Almighty; you will be worn on the necks of the Almighty! Why are you bothering about your life? Often you forget, we - the Guru Parampara - are behind you to take care of you. Don’t be childish and foolish. Face the present situation and get ready for a good future!” I kept quiet. Now I understood who was behind my sufferings. My Guru Parampara only! And that also for my purifications and to prepare me as a garland to be put in the neck of Almighty. By afternoon I was tired from the non-stop walking. Climbing up and down the snow-covered hills was not easy. I was hungry and my legs were aching. Bhruguramji stopped walking near a stream. He opened his shoulder bag and gave me few rotis and vegetable. I was wondering why he was not eating, he was only feeding me. I collected my courage and asked, “Maharaj , are you not eating? Are you not hungry?” He smiled and said,

“No son, I don’t need food. I can gather my energy directly from the sun. For the last few years I do not eat or drink.” I heard that some Himalayan yogis never eat or drink. They are living on the energy of pranayama . More over Gyanganj is famous for Soorya Vidya (the science of sun) and Chandra Vidya (the science of moon). I told him, “Maharaj , a sadhak like me has to think about food and shelter every time. If I did not have that problem, I could have done my sadhana for more time!” He laughed and said, “Son, you have just started your spiritual journey. In due course you will get all these; don’t be in a hurry. Let the destined things happen. Have patience. You have to eat away the karma phalas (fruits of your karma) of your previous births. Then only the total purification happens! Once you are totally purified, all doors will be opened for you. Wait for the time!” I know this ‘time’ factor is very cruel. In the last few years I had suffered a lot. May be some balance was there. Bhruguramji may be pointing to this destiny. I completed eating the food. I was wondering where he was getting rotis for me in this Himalayan hill where there was not even a single village or human being! Once again Bhruguramji might have read my mind. He said, “Son, nothing is impossible in spiritual life. See this!” He took a magnifying glass from his bag and continued, “This glass will help me to manifest anything and everything in front of me. This is based on Soorya Vidya . Just having a strong sankalp looking into this magnifying glass, it will manifest whatever you need. Just like the rotis and vegetables for you, stare at this glass, and with a sankalpa ask anything in the world. It will be in front of you within moments.” I was afraid to test it. I felt it was like the ‘Aladdin’s lamp’. I did not do any sankalp nor did I look at the glass with a wish! I just told him to forgive me for my mistake of doubting him. He got up and started walking. I too followed. Before sunset we reached near a stream. He

told me to take rest there at night. Except for the snow-covered hills, nothing was visible. Bhruguramji told me, “Son, in the morning itself start walking towards north. (He showed me the direction.) Walk for three days. Whenever you feel tired, take rest. I will meet you on the fourth day. Do not worry about your food. I assure you that you will not feel hungry or thirsty for three days. Do not be afraid you are alone. You are not alone. From the sky, the Mother Goddess Lalitha 56 in the form of Soorya 57 is looking at you always. So, don’t worry and resume journey in the dawn itself.” Saying this he disappeared. Now I was all alone. I looked at the sun that was about to set and chanted shodashi mantra for some time with a prayer to take care of me. I laid out my blanket as bed near the stream and sat there. It was the snowcovered hills around and me, nothing else around. The sun had also set. Darkness covered the hills. I simply sat there, reciting shodashi mantra !

Towards Gyanganj—III

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f course, I knew I was not alone. The power of guru mandala was always with me. I started my journey towards the direction shown by Bhruguramji in the morning itself. I was constantly chanting shodashi mantra and walking. Climbing up and down the snow-covered hills was not so easy. After a long walk of five or six hours I reached the Tibetan Border and crossed it easily. There was nobody, neither a check post nor any military people around. Far away, at the next hill I saw many Buddhist flags. Now I was sure that there would definitely be some village or gompa or vihara . I tried to walk fast. By afternoon I had reached a small village of 15–20 houses and a Buddha vihara . I went there. A lama came out of the vihara and looked at me suspiciously. I told him that I was on my way to Gyanganj —moving towards north. He knew Hindi and invited me inside. I sat at the courtyard; four or five lamas were staying there. They offered me some food—a type of khichadi made of rice and leaves. I had it and sat there for some time. By this time the lama who invited me inside also came after finishing his food. He said if I desired I could stay there for the night and resume journey next day. As it was already afternoon, he said it would not be so easy to reach any village before sunset, as there were no villages nearby. I agreed to stay there as I was not in a hurry to move. Again at night the lama asked me to join for prayer and food with them. Of course, I joined them for prayer, but I did not feel like eating any food, as I had taken late lunch. I slept at the courtyard. I had a very strange dream at night. I dreamt that I was sitting near a dilapidated old mandir . Except for the idol there was nothing. It seemed as if there was no pooja or any poojari, yet all of a sudden a light appeared in front of me, which emerged from the mandir. It took the form of my Guruji —Avadhoota Tara Mayee ! She talked to me, “Son, the path of spiritualism is not so easy. Yet you have to proceed as you

are destined for it. Proceed! Do not look back. Beware of the worldly people. They are there only for their selfish motives. They will come to you to spoil your accumulated energy for their selfishness. Do not entertain such people near you. With a mask of love and affection they will be around you. Do not encourage them. Be alone. One day, when you are ‘full of energy’ go back to them and serve them. Do not believe the mundane people. They are selfish!” She disappeared and I woke up. Till morning I could not sleep. I was contemplating on the words of my Guruji which I heard in the dream. In Tibet, China, Japan, wherever it maybe, the Buddhists have a good system of analysing dreams. Early morning as I was ready to leave, I discussed my dream with the lama . He told me that it was a very positive dream and the instructions of my Guruji must be followed. I resumed my journey; the lama gave me some food packed in a newspaper for my onward journey. He also asked me to move fast on the hills as I could reach a nearby village before sunset. After walking five or six hours on the hills I was tired, and saw a small hot water spring. I sat there. I had good bath in that hot water, had my food which the lama had given and resumed my journey. I was constantly walking. But even at long vicinity there was no sign of any village. I felt very tired. It was almost sunset time, but I failed to reach any village. As I reached near a small stream, I decided to stay there that night. The stream was very small yet flowing in a speed downwards. After washing legs and hands I sat there chanting mantra . Darkness covered the hills in no time. I was all alone there. I could hear the sound of water flowing down on small rocks. I felt it is also doing some japa so started chanting “Hara...Hara...Hara...” I was thinking of my life. Why all this? For what? Where is the end to my sufferings? Slowly, I slept on the banks of the river, as I was driving to oblivion!

Towards Gyanganj—IV

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n the morning I started moving towards north again. I felt there was no end to this hill. I walked at a very slow speed. One more day I had to walk alone. Then only I could meet Bhruguramji. It was the fourth day of leaving Tapovan. Even though I had very clear-cut instructions from Bhruguramji as well as my Guruji about the spiritual journey, somehow, sometimes my mind was very disturbed by the thoughts arising in me. I know I was destined for this life. But the question of what next was in my mind always. I knew very well that I had nothing at all left to lose as I had lost everything —my parents, friends, village, etc., so now whatever was left was only to be gained. I told myself I must be happy with what ‘I am’ in the present. But the problem with me was often I went back to my past, and felt bad about myself. At the same time I knew that the past had passed and I could not get it back. I never worried about the future! I knew from the core of my mind that whatever the future may be, will definitely be good for me. Every step I was doing japa . By noon I reached a village. Comparatively this was a big village. While I was moving through the village, one of the villagers called me. I stopped and looked back. A few villagers came near and asked where I was going to (I thought it was so, as the language was Tibetan). I told them I was going towards north in search of Gyanganj . They took me to the vihara , just on the outskirts of the village. Two lamas welcomed me there. One of them knew little English. When I told him in English that I was in search of Gyanganj , he said, “Oh! Shangri-La . It is far from here. You have to walk three or four days to reach there.” I was still in wonder whether ‘Shangri-La ’ and ‘Gyanganj ’ were the same or not?

They gave me some bread and black tea. After taking it I took rest there for a while and again resumed my walking. It was very cold in those snow-covered hills. Both my legs were swollen because of frost bite. My movements became very slow. I was very tired by the evening. At a distance I saw a hot water spring. I sat there and kept both my legs in hot water. After some time I felt a bit relieved. The salty hot water (usually hot water spring contains sulphur) gave relief to my pain as well as swelling. The sun was about to set. I thought I must stay there that night. Because of the cold wind it was very difficult for me to sleep at night. To my wonder I was not feeling lonely. I felt somebody was with me definitely, but was not visible. Once again I put my legs in the hot water and sat there simply. Not even doing japa . For hours together I sat there. My mind was in a void. Not even a single thought disturbed me. Slowly I lost my body consciousness. Only dim light of sky was there. I felt I had merged in that voidness of boundless sky. I was back to normalcy the next morning only. Now I felt my body, mind and intellect. I resumed my journey. The hot water treatment of the previous night had given me a new energy to walk. The leg ache had reduced. My mind was again wavering. I wanted to meet Bhruguramji. Where was he? He left me in this unknown land lonely! I was not aware when I would reach my destination. By noon I had reached near a stream. From distance I could see someone sitting near the stream. Reaching there, there was no limit for my wonder. It was Bhruguramji! I went near him, did namaskars , and sat near him. He asked, “How was the journey? You might have enjoyed the lonely travel. Make this a habit. Always move alone. Do not try to be in any company. It will spoil you. Invisibly, of course, we the Guru Mandali are always with you. You have to believe this. Even now your mind doubts and you think you are alone. In the spiritual path, physically you may feel you are alone. But note always that gurus are with a true sadhak .” As usual he opened his shoulder bag and took out a packet from it and gave it to me. It

contained rice, sambar , etc. (The packet was done just like the food parcel packing in South Indian hotels. It was packed in Banana leaves and covered with a Tamil newspaper.) I was wondering at the taste of South Indian food in the Himalayan hills. I ate the food with great happiness. Bhruguramji was looking at my face. Once I finished the food, he said, “Son, this feeling must go! When you get some food of South Indian taste you feel very happy and if the food is from other parts of the country you feel bit averse to, is it not? This has to go from your mind. Now you are a sanyasi —a universal being. Now you are not limited to any country, or state. Even you are not bound to Chaturvarna 58 —not a Brahmin, Kshatriya, Vyasya or Shudra . You have to experience that you are the ultimate being. The feelings of differentiation in language, country, caste and creed must go out from you.” I felt ashamed. Even though after reaching a stage of ‘Oneness’ still that Vibhageeya Chinta (considering oneself different from others) was in me! Bhruguramji continued, “Never think that you are born! Born in a family, in a village, in a country of such and such language, of eating habits, etc. You are that ‘energy’ of whole existence. Now you have the five qualities of ‘Paramatma ’ (Almighty/Divine). Realize it and try to keep it up.” He looked at me with a different smile and touched my forehead. I felt everything had vanished in front of me. No hills, no stream, nobody, no mind. I could see a beam of light around me and I merged in it. I went into a deep trance.

Towards Gyanganj—V

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was back to my normal stage by morning. I felt a new energy passing through me. Bhruguramji was sitting near the stream looking at the snowcovered hills. I got up and washed my face and hand and sat near him. I felt as if I was very intoxicated. Bhruguramji said, “Son, it is your real stage. You are neither body, mind nor intellect! You are that. The ultimate reality. Keeping this experience always with what you are. Do your work to uplift others to your stage. Do not merge with worldly things or people. Now you are out of Maya ! Keep away from it; be in you always; and even when you work for the betterment, be non-attached! Now, let us go!” He started walking and I too followed him. There was no sun visible. The hills looked very dull without sunshine. Cloudy sky and cold wind was flowing. All of a sudden snowfall started. Bhruguramji was walking carelessly not even thinking of snowfall. My body was almost covered with snow. I looked like a white bear! After an hour of walking the snowfall stopped. Now the sun shone. Bhruguramji looked at me and told, “Son, this is the specialty of the nature. When it acts or reacts, nature only knows! Now you may be feeling cold of drenching under snowfall. But look at me. I am not shivering of cold. This is because of the fire burning within. You have to maintain this fire update. Today I will teach you the ‘Doora Gaman Vidya ’, which will be helpful for your future life: Remember we are siddha yogis. There is nothing impossible for guru mandali.” We both sat on a big rock surrounded by snow. He taught me in detail about movements of paramanu (atom) and how to do sankalp to reach a particular destination, how to create strong chinta tarang (thought waves) and to send it to a known or even unknown place; he made me practice it. To understand the technical of ‘Doora Gaman ’ it took me more than three hours. In seconds he instructed me the ‘rare technique’ of pranayam (which you will not get in yoga books or even

with ordinary yoga master) to help the fire (vital energy) in me to be kept intact always. He started walking again. I followed but I was a bit hungry. I asked him with an accumulated courage of mind (as I was hesitant with a reverence to him as he was one of the senior-most Guru of my Parampara ) how to live without food and water (as he lived). He looked at my face and smiled and said, “Son, now you have to depend on food for a few more years. Of course, I will teach you all this; once you complete the higher studies on Srividya at Gyanganj .” Maybe to change the subject, he said, “You know, today I will feed you with traditional Bengali khichadi .” We both sat near a small waterfall. It looked very nice. I collected water in my kamandal and came near him. He spread a piece of an old English newspaper in front of me (he used to carry such things in his shoulder bag) then he took his ‘magnifying glass’ and looked through it, just keeping some distance from the newspaper he spread. I was wondering what magic was going to happen! His eyes were glowing like two red bulbs. To my wonder, as if someone had served it, the Bengali khichadi appeared on the newspaper which he had spread. I was looking at the magic in front of me. Bhruguramji said, “Son, here is your food for the day. Eat it! My disciple Paramahamsa Visudhananda at Varanasi is having a magnifying glass like this. As you think, this is not magic. The sun’s rays have the capacity to identify and produce everything in the world. Only you have to concentrate on the particular sun ray related to your need. For this also you have to practice strong sankalpa . One day I will give you a glass like this.” For the first time, I negated Bhruguramji statement, “Master, I don’t want it, as with it I will develop more ego in me. Moreover, I have the kappar of Guru Parampara , which my Guruji gave me while I started for my Himalayan journey. This kappar has all powers to give me what I need. I don’t want your magnifying glass. Sorry!”

He was happy to hear that. He replied, “Son, I know better than you about the kappar which you have. During my stay at Haridwar/Kashi, I also used to take bhiksha in this. As you have said rightly, this kappar is enough. It is a living energy of our Guru Parampara .” I ate that Bengali khichadi. Of course it had the same taste of the khichadi made in Sri Ramakrishna Ashram in Calcutta. (Once I had a chance to get khichadi from Sri Ramakrishna Ashram at Dakshineshwar during my visit.) Bhruguramji suggested that we take rest there. We rested for a few hours and resumed walking again.

Towards Gyan Gunj—VI

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hough my legs were aching, I still tried to walk with him at his speed. But it was barely possible. He was well accustomed to walking on snow-covered hills and I was not. I heard a thundering sound on my left side and saw a big rock coming down. “Run, Run,” Bhruguramji said. When it was so difficult to just walk on these hills, how was it possible to run. I ran a few yards and by that time the rock just passed down with a thundering sound. On my right side, about a thousand feet down, the big rock had fallen at a very high speed. Bhruguramji looked at me and smiled. I was very frightened! If the rock had touched me, I would have been crushed underneath. We moved again towards the north. I was thinking to myself—in these hills anything can happen at any time, good or bad! After a few hours of walking we reached a village. He did not allow me to go through the village. He told me to avoid the village and go through another footpath leading towards another hill. If I were walking alone, I would definitely have gone to the village and rested there. He was not in a habit of staying at any village. We climbed up and down several hills. It was nearing sunset. I was afraid of telling him that I was tired. But he read my mind again and said, “I see that you are tired. You can take rest on the next hill. There you will get good water too!” He pointed to a hill. It looked very near. But actually it was at quite a distance. When we reached there it was almost dark. Bhruguramji had me sit near a small waterfall, and disappeared without saying anything. Once again I was alone and wondering where he might have gone. Somehow I managed to wash my hands and legs in that ice-cold water. I sat near the waterfall, and in the dim light of the sky, I spread my blanket out for an asan.

I simply lay down for some time. I was tired, but could not sleep. The mind was very blank. Time passed by. I sat up, and slowly closing my eyes, slipped into deep meditation. Of course it was in deep, deep meditation that I saw myself with my Guruji , on the banks of the Sauparnika at Mookambika. I could hear Amma’s voice. But nothing was clear. The vision disappeared. I felt I was in a forest, the same one where my Guruji stays. I heard the sound of her whistling (usually she makes that sound to call her pets to eat) once, twice. Everything disappeared from my vision. I was sitting and sleeping! Bhruguramji’s voice was heard. He said, “Oh, you are sleeping in a sitting position! Get up, it is morning. Let us go.” I opened my eyes. It was almost sunrise time and Bhruguramji was standing near me. I washed my face and got ready to move. On the way Bhruguramji said, “What you experienced at night was not fully true. One of your ‘atoms’ did definitely travel up to Mookambika. But it failed to manifest, because your sankalp was not strong enough. No problem, you will succeed next time.” We both walked slowly. By afternoon we reached near a small kund of hot water. While Bhruguramji sat there, I had a very good bath in that hot water spring. The fatigue had now vanished. I felt very fresh. As usual, he opened his pottli and gave me a few rotis and vegetable. After eating them, I slept there for some time. Once again the shouting sound of Bhruguramji reached my ears. “Get up! Let us move.” I got up and moved with him. My mind was like that of a sheep, following its owner’s orders. Just obeying the shouting! Just following! In one way my thinking was correct—Guru is the owner of sishya ; and here, he was my great Guru . So I must obey this Guru every moment. And this would be for my own sake of course, only for my own betterment. I know that every action of a Guru is only for the betterment of the sishya . A sishya may have some selfishness, at least about his good sadhana . But Gurus are never selfish. Their lives are

dedicated to all—everybody—equally. There will definitely be no partiality in the Guru ’s mind. Whether a sishya is doing well or not, is rich or poor, has no effect on the Guru’s bhava (feelings) towards the sishya —the bhava will always be the same in the Guru’s mind. It is the bhava of motherly affection, along with discipline like that of a father. All actions of Gurus are only for the improvement of sishyas . But sishyas may not be able to catch the mind of the Guru or experience his affection. That is due to the drawback of ‘selfishness’ present in the sishya, which forms an iron curtain between the two. Bhruguramji looked at me and smiled. He had definitely understood what I had been thinking. He said, “Son, your thoughts are very right. If there is selfishness, a Guru is not a true Guru . If there is eagerness to earn wealth or fame, a Guru is not a true Guru . A Guru is a real Guru (Sadguru ) only when he lives for his spiritual children, his sishyas .” We continued walking till he stopped for a while, and pointing to a distant, mist-covered hill, said, “Son, we have to reach there. That is our destination Gyanganj , but it is far. Tonight we will rest somewhere around here. Let us locate some water source and stay near it. If we start out early tomorrow morning, we will be able to reach there by afternoon for sure.” We walked a few hours more. I felt the mist-covered hills approaching near. I would be able to enter into Gyanganj the next day. My mind was dancing with joy. After walking for some time we found a small stream and sat there. With a mind full of joy, I slept early dreaming about the next day’s entry into Gyanganj .

At Gyanganj

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arly in the morning, we started moving towards the neighbouring hills. Though it seemed to me like the mist-covered hills were very close, it was not as I had thought. Only by afternoon could we reach the valley of the mist-covered hill. My mind was filled with an unusual happiness. I recalled the last time when I had come up here, and returned in disappointment! Now by the Grace of the Guru Mandali I was being allowed to enter Gyanganj . I climbed the hill with a new energy. There was no mist anymore, it had vanished. I could easily see the hills. It took a lot of time to climb up to the top of the hill. Then we climbed down. We were surrounded on all four sides by hills and in the middle was a big valley. No snow or mist was seen there. There were many caves visible in the hills around. I could easily see hundreds of caves. I saw a few swamis moving around in front of caves on the hills. Bhruguramji asked me to sit outside a cave and he went inside. A swami came out and asked me to follow him. After walking for an hour or so, we reached another cave and the swami took me inside. There were three sadhus sitting there. It was a big cave (it seemed man-made) which could accommodate five or six people. The swami asked me to be seated and went out. The other Swamis sitting there were busy reading. One of them, an old sadhu , stopped his reading and came near me and asked about my particulars. He talked to me in English. He looked Japanese, and his accent did not seem Indian. While I was narrating the story of my journey to Gyanganj , the other two sadhus also joined us. One of them said, “This is Gyanganj ! We also have a branch known as Sidhashram. You may not know, but this is more than a university. All

spiritual subjects under the sun are preserved here, as well as the practices of all religions. Only a very few selected sadhaks are called in here for higher studies and sadhana. Which branch do you belong to?” I told them I was a Srividya sadhaka. Three of them were Vedanta sadhakas , based on the ‘Trik’ system of Kashmir Shaivism. Of course, I had also read a few books on Kashmir Shaivism earlier; it was easy for me to talk to them. They told me that more than 150 sadhaks of different sections were staying there. Shri Mahatapa Babaji is the head of this institution. More than 300 years old, he had been sitting in trance for the last fifty years or more. My mind was in a happy space as I had finally reached the roots of my Guru tradition. Was it a myth? No, it was a reality. Now I was experiencing my presence here. By this time Bhruguramji had come to me and asked me to follow him. He took me to another cave inside which on an asan was a swami with clean-shaven head and face, and with vibhooti and kumkum on his forehead. He looked Tamilian. Bhruguramji introduced me to him and told him about my Srividya sadhana and also about my 11 purascharans . That swami smiled and asked Bhruguramji what I needed next. Bhruguramji told me that swamiji would take care of my future sadhana and studies in Srividya , and that I should stay with him in that cave. And also to do seva to that Swami , by massaging his legs, washing clothes, cleaning cave and also cooking. And he left the cave. Swamiji was sitting in silence. I placed my kamandal and kappar on one side of cave. When he noticed my kappar , he said, “Oh! This is with you. Now I understand. You are a disciple of Tara . I got acquainted with her when I was in the south.” In this remote corner of the earth in a cave, that an unknown swamiji knew my Guruji, this thought brought tears to my eyes. He asked in English again, “Are you also from South India? From Karnataka or Kerala?” When

I told I was born and brought up in Kerala, to my wonder he started talking to me in Tamil! (Of course mixed with a few Malayalam words.) My intuition that this swamiji might be of Tamil origin was correct. Swamiji told me, “You are tired from continuous walking on snow-covered hills. Rest today. You can start your studies and sadhana tomorrow.” He paused for a while and again said, “You can be here with me for three weeks. Are you prepared for strict discipline? If so, you will be able to complete your higher sadhana . Do not waste time. The days you stay here must be useful to you and your forthcoming disciples.” I agreed. I wanted to ask him whether I could meet the Great Mahatapa Guru. But I was a bit nervous, so I kept my mouth zipped. There were plenty of books in Sanskrit/English/Tamil/Hindi spread out in the cave. Perhaps they were all Srividya -related books. I went to the corner of cave and sat there on my asan . Swamiji was ready to cook something on his kerosene stove. I thought it would be awkward if I sat there idle without helping him in the cooking. But when I went near, Swamiji said again, “Take rest now. You can help me tomorrow. I will prepare some ‘Pongal’ which both of us can eat.” I returned to my asan . Through the opening of the cave, the hill on the other side was very much visible. I could see a lot of caves. The valley was silent and full of vegetation. In its entirety, Gyanganj covers a very vast area. Even though the hill that was visible looked like it was near, it was not so. The caves on the other side were quite far away. One had to go down into the valley, walk through the forest, and then climb up the hills to reach the caves on the opposite side. I spotted some sadhus in front of those caves. May be it was fatigue, or perhaps the calm and quiet atmosphere, or the cool breeze, but everything lulled me to sleep. I slept for a while leaning against the rock of the cave behind me. My mind was very calm!

Swamiji woke me up when food was ready. I wanted to wash my hands and face. He showed me a jharna near the cave. I went out, and washed my hands and face. There were big trees to be seen outside near all caves. It looked as if it were a big forest. I had pongal with swamiji . It was a typical South Indian food and my mind immediately went to that thought, but I remembered Bhruguramji’s advice about not going after vibhageeya chinta . I controlled my thoughts and ate the food.

Life at Gyanganj

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he next morning Swamiji initiated me into to the practice of ‘Hamsa Soham ’—the ultimate mantra in Srividya . This is to be done with ‘Pranayama ’. He also taught me the practical worship of three aspects of Pratyangira (Hindu Goddess associated with ‘Shakti’ and the concept of eternal energy). I used to sit under a tree near the jharna and do sadhana . In addition to my daily sadhana , I was supposed to do all types of seva there like washing swamji’s clothes, cooking, cleaning, messaging his legs, etc. He was very generous to me and allowed me maximum time for sadhana . At night, he would teach me ‘Soham Dhyan ’. 59 I sat in front of him, and with his directions was doing sadhana at night too. One day Swamiji introduced me to a lama who was an acharya of Srividya , well versed in the Tibetan system. According to him, Srividya is known as ‘Ugra Tara’ . The higher studies in Srividya were very difficult. Till then I had learned up to ‘Para Vidya ’ and ‘Navavaran Pooja ’ (stages of Srividya sadhana ). The difficult part now was that the present sadhana was not only japa or pooja , but was co-related with Tantra, Yoga, and Vedanta as well! Performing some ‘mudras’ were very difficult for me. The lama with all patience, and supported me in my practice. He even taught me the secret of ‘Antar yagya ’ (internal worship) but though he did not allow me to take written notes of the practical aspect (prayog vidhi ). I still memorized and somehow managed to write down a few important points on pieces of paper obtained from Swamiji. All my doubts were cleared during this higher study. During my stay and practice of Srividya in South India, I had heard of some of the techniques of this sadhana , but none of the acharyas there were fully competent about the practical part. Some of the Buddhist monks

who migrated from the South took away all the knowledge of the practical aspects from Kerala or Karnataka. Due to the intense cold weather, having food just one time a day, five or six hours of seva, and the rigor of continuous sadhana, I was very tired. But I liked and enjoyed my stay there. During the stay, I had opportunities to meet sadhaks of different practices like Vedanta , Vaishanav , Tantra, Japa Yoga, Yoga , etc. In fact I wanted to understand more about ‘Soorya Vidya ’ but the Swamiji told me to concentrate only on Srividya. Ten days passed thus. Bhruguramji was not seen anywhere these days. When I asked Swamiji , he told me, “Mind your own business!” I was giving more and more importance to ‘Soham Dhyan ’. Pranayam in ‘Hamsa Soham ’ was also of course going on. When Swamiji noticed that I was absorbed in deep meditation for more than 8–10 hours, he was very pleased. A new energy passed through me. The fatigue of long journey through Himalayan hills had now vanished. One afternoon with Swamiji‘s permission, I went for a walk through the forest in the valley. At a distance under a tree, I saw Bhruguramji sitting deeply absorbed in ‘Dhyan ’. Without making any sound of footsteps, I went near him and sat for hours till he opened his eyes and smiled. He asked me about my sadhana , and said he was happy with my progress in Dhyan . He said, “Son, you are lucky to be here. Make maximum use of your time for Dhyan . Do not waste time. After a week you have to leave Gyanganj . By that time clear all your doubts regarding sadhana . Once you are back with the sansaris (worldly people), you will not get as much time to do sadhana as you are getting here.” He paused for a while. There was a deep silence between us for some time. He again said, “Once you return, start research works on ‘Sri Chakra vibrations’. Nobody has made attempts in that direction; you have to practice, experience, and write down everything. It will be useful to the coming generations!” Again there was

silence! In fact I didn’t want to leave that place. I would have liked to stay there all life long and do my sadhana. Reading my thoughts, Bhruguramji broke the silence, “No, son, even if you wished it a thousand times, you cannot be here for your entire long. You are destined for some other work. Remember, you have taken an oath, touching your Guru Tara’s feet that you will live for others always. You have to do this life long. Even through suffering of body and mind, you will have to keep those words. You are destined for that.” I kept quiet. I was recollecting that moment of touching my Guruji’s feet and taking the oath. Bhruguramji spoke again, “Son, living for others is not so easy. You have to detach yourself from worldly things first. Then with the accumulated energy of your sadhana , live in ‘samsara ’ like a lotus leaf in water! You may stay in your ashram or anywhere convenient to you, but keep the ‘samsara’ out of your mind. Do not be tempted by worldly things. This life of yours is to prove that in this ‘Kaliyuga ’ yogis are for the sansaris, but samsara is not for yogis. The day you are supposed to leave Gyanganj , I will come and take you to ‘Sidhashram ’. From there you can go through Arunachal to reach India. It would be better if on the way you can stay back at Kamakya for a few days.” He stood up and moved away swiftly. I sat there for some more time and then returned to the cave where I was staying with Swamiji .

Last Days in Gyanganj

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he last few days of sadhana at Gyanganj were very difficult. Swamiji taught me the ‘secret sadhana of Srividya ’. I was supposed to meditate on bhrumadhya for hours together, standing on the right leg, keeping the left foot on the navel, with hands folded in the anjali mudra . I did this for three days, for hours together. The other sadhana being very secret, I am not supposed to write about them in detail. One day I felt my back burning like fire. I was unable to stand or sit. Swamiji was happy, this being the symptom of an awakened kundalini . Sometimes I roared like a lion and at other times was deep in voidness. My body was full of heat. Swamiji told me that the ‘kriya of Shat Chakra bhedan ’ (the activation of the six chakras) was happening in me. He said, “Remember always your guru Tara who gave you ‘Shakti paath’ deeksha ; Guru is the reason and result of all this. Now you have reached a very good stage of sadhana . Even if you expend all your energy for some good purpose of healing others, etc., you will lose nothing. Whatever quantity of energy you spend, you will receive twice that by the grace of your Guru! Now I shall teach you Anima, Laghima, Mahima , 60 etc. Sit in padmasan (a yogic posture).” I sat in ‘padmasan ’ and did ‘pranayam ’ as he instructed. After some time, I felt I was like a feather, weightless. And to my wonder, I was floating in air in the cave, about three feet up from the ground. Slowly I descended back to the ground. Swamiji said, “Son, these are just mere siddhis —valueless! The real value of life lies in living for others, in doing good for others. Live in the way you have promised your Guruji . Live life for others, for every being at every moment, live, that is the only sadhana

you have to do. Consider life itself as a sadhana , and live every moment for other beings, be they man, animal or plant!” I learned a lot from Gyanganj about the theory and practice of sadhana. How to live for other beings! Even now at every moment, I am living for others. I forget to live for myself. Swamiji made sambar and rice that day. He did not allow me to help him. He said, “Take rest today, now that your studies are over. Tomorrow you have to leave this place. Now you are returning to ‘samsara ’. Be careful. Do not get attached. Try to keep away from wealth and fame. Don’t accumulate anything, money or any such worldly things! ‘Aparigraha ’ (the concept of non-possessiveness, non-grasping and non-greediness) must be the quality maintained in you.” In the evening Bhruguramji came by to tell me that I should leave the place next morning. They would come with me up to ‘Siddhashram ’. Afterwards I had to continue my journey alone. I asked him whether I would be allowed to meet Mahatapa Babaji . He said, “No, Son, not now. As I told you, first complete your research work on Srividya . Then come back. Now Gyanganj is open to you.” I was a bit disappointed. He introduced me to two or three sadhaks of Srividya staying there. They were in the stage of acharyas. All of them blessed me with good wishes for my future life. Bhruguramji said, “Son, to be here and be doing sadhana is in fact very easy. But to live among samsaris and live the life of a yogi is very difficult. Remember, you will meet with a lot of temptations on your journey, keep away from them. Your Guru Tara’s eyes are on you always. So, do not worry at all. Whatever good or bad you are supposed to go through, it is destined, it is inevitable. Do not look back, whatever happens. Live and always live for the welfare of other beings!” He left the cave. The next morning, a sadhu came by to say that Bhruguramji was waiting for me. It was time to depart! I felt very bad and sad. I did namaskars to Swamiji who had helped me in higher studies and practice

during the last three weeks. Swamiji gave me a handful of groundnuts fried in ghee, packed in paper, and said, “Son, I wish you all the best for your future life. Now you possess all types of siddhis . You are no more a sadhaka . Go forward, teach your disciples the proper way of sadhana . Bring them up to your level. This will be treated as your ‘Guru dakshina ’ to your ‘Guru parampara’ .” I had tears when I left the cave. Bhruguramji was waiting for me. I went near him and both of us started walking. I could do only ‘manasik pranams ’ (paying my obeisance mentally) to the great Mahatapa Babaji . Slowly I began walking with Swamiji .

On the Way to India

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o say farewell to Gyanganj was not so easy. Swamiji said, “If we walk fast, on the fourth day we can reach Siddhashram , which is near the Arunachal border, and from there you have to proceed alone.” Swamiji told me that Siddhashram is the place which is the connecting link between Gyanganj and the other world. The needs of Gyanganj were being supplied through Siddhashram . The journey towards Siddhashram was quite normal. Without much difficulty, we travelled through snow-covered hills and reached there the third night. I had previously thought that Siddhashram might be a conventional ashram. However, it was not. It was a replica of Gyanganj . There were a few caves here and there, where fifteen or twenty sadhus (of course great siddhas ) stayed. Bhruguramji introduced me to the head of the ashram and asked me to stay there for a couple of days; he then left the place immediately. My stay in Siddhashram was for a couple of days. It was a very calm and quiet place. Some of the sadhus asked me about the experiences during my stay there. The head of Siddhashram told me that if I walked for two days I could reach Arunachal, and from there I could take a bus to Guwahati. I told him that since I did not have money with me, I should walk all the way to Guwahati. He said, “Why do you worry unnecessarily? Bhruguramji told me to make arrangements for your onward journey.” He gave me a thousand rupees for my journey. One of the sadhus was planning to go to Arunachal for some work the next day. I made a plan to go with him up to Zero, a place in Arunachal, from where I would get a bus to Itanagar and then to Guwahati.

We both set out for Zero by walk and on the third day we reached our destination. On the way, for two days we got food and shelter in villages. The swamiji with whom I walked to Zero was from Bengal. As we walked together, he narrated the experiences he had had during his sadhana . We crossed the Brahmaputra River and reached India. Now Zero was near. This area has a very big military campus, and usually an inner-line permit was required to reach there. Vivekananda Kendra of Kanyakumari has more than 16 schools in Arunachal Pradesh. In the past, I had been a ‘life worker’ in the Kendra, and stayed for a long time in Kohima as well as the Dibrugarh branch for some time. Luckily, nobody asked me for a permit to enter at the border village. I travelled to Itanagar, capital of Arunachal Pradesh, in a shared taxi jeep. By evening, I had reached Itanagar. I then booked a ticket to Guwahati by the evening bus, which would reach there next morning. I slept very well on the bus and reached Guwahati early morning. Guwahati city and the surroundings were well known to me. My two brothers lived in Maligaon at that time, where they had jobs at the Northeast Frontier Railways (NFRLY) headquarters. I had visited Kamakhya several times before during my stay in Maligaon with them. From the bus stop I took an auto-rickshaw to reach Kamakhya. Even though Kamakhya is near Maligaon (where my brothers stayed at the railway quarters), I neither informed them nor visited them. The autorickshaw dropped me off at the bottom of the hill from Kamakhya. I then started climbing the hills to reach the mandir.

At Kamakhya

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was once again at Kamakhya, after a long time. I just sat under a tree near the temple. I knew some poojaris there, as well as a great bhairavi known as ‘Aghori bhairavi’ (an old woman staying there since a long time for her sadhana ) at Kamakhya from my previous visits. I used to visit her to study and practice tantra sadhana during my stay at Tinsukia in upper Assam. After hours of search, I could locate her sitting under a tree near the Brahmaputra. This meeting was after a long gap. She recognized me and welcomed me with joy. She asked me about my sadhana and when I told her that I was on my way back from Gyanganj she was amazed. I told her in detail about my sadhana at Kashi also. I was wondering why Bhruguramji told me to visit this place. I asked permission from that old bhairavi mata to allow me to stay with her for a few days. I did not know much about my future plans. She allowed me to stay at her kutia . She told me that I need not go here and there for food as she would feed me a part of whatever she cooked for herself. I visited the mandir every day. Kamakhya is one of the famous Shakti peethams of India. It is also known as ‘Yoni peetham’ . One day on my regular visit to the mandir in the evening, I met a swami from Kerala, known as Achyuthanand Giri, who was an acharya in yoga and tantra. He invited me to his room for bhiksha . I went there one day and during my bhiksha in my kappar , he said, “Swamiji , give this kappar to me. I need it.” I told him of my inability to give it to him, as it was more precious to me than my own life since my Guruji had given it to me. He threatened me, saying that if I did not give it to him I would have to face huge difficulties as he would curse me! I was very afraid and ran away from his room without even finishing my food. The food remaining in my kappar I put into

the Brahmaputra. I narrated this in detail to the Bhairavi mata . She got very angry and left to meet that swami who had threatened me. There was a quarrel between the both of them. My mind was disturbed, and I left Kamakhya next day. Even at railway station, I had no idea where to go! I saw a train bound for Delhi on the platform. I bought a ticket to New Delhi and sat in the general compartment. My mind was still a little fearful that the swami who had asked me for the kappar would come here and snatch it from my hands. However, thanks to God and to my Guruji , nothing adverse happened. As there was heavy rush in the general compartment, I could barely get a seat in a corner of the bench. On the third day morning, I reached Delhi. By that time I had decided to go to Panipat (Samalkha) for a few days and then on to Jammu where work at my ashram work was in progress. And thus the river flows and the journey continues… At that point in my life, I was eager to proceed with my intense sadhana and research on the Secrets of Sri Chakra . With my Guruji always beside me I was intensely keen on keeping my vow to Amma to lead my life in service to humanity. There are so many incidents that I would like to share but it is not possible to record them all. I will continue to share some of them in my next volume. In the subsequent part of my autobiography I will share the experiences that I had during my childhood, and my long life as a guru , sanyasi , Avadhoota and a social worker. I will also share the experience of my completion of the voluminous Sri Chakra research study and the honor of once again visiting Gyanganj and presenting the work to Mahatapa Baba. And thereafter the life that I continued to live for the betterment of others. I have been a lonely traveller all my life and continue to do so – moving alone in the crowd of my disciples, devotees and well-wishers.

During this journey, some helped me; some harassed me; some criticized and scandalized me too; some just walked along side me as a witness to my pain and pleasures. But there is one person who walks behind me, in front of me, with me, in me, and that is my beloved Guruji Avadhoota Tara Mayee . It was Amma ’s ability of transforming mud into gold that she made a smooth and beautiful sculpture of the black and rough stone in her hand. A few kept that idol sculpted by Amma , in the altar of their heart and worshipped him as their Guru. That is me and my story.

Glossary Arathi – worship ritual in which light, usually an oil lamp is offered to the deity, to the accompaniment of chants Abhishekam – A devotional activity and/or religious rite or ritual involving pouring of a liquid as an offering to deity. Adhyatma Ramayana – Medieval Sanskrit text extolling spiritualism in the story of Ramayana. It is embedded in the latter portion of Brahmānda Purana and philosophically attempts to reconcile Bhakti or devotion in Lord Rama and Shaktism, with Advaita Vedanta, spread over 65 chapters and 4,500 verses. Adi Shankaracharya or Adi Shankara – Hindu philosopher of mid to late 8th century CE, widely accepted as incarnation of Lord Shiva. Author of over several hundred texts that are the foundation of Advaita Vedanta school of Hinduism. He cleansed the Vedic religious practices of ritualistic excesses, and ushered in the core teaching of Vedanta, which is Advaita or non-dualism Advaita – Hindu philosophy of non dual nature of Reality Advaita bodham – Understanding of non-dual reality or experiencing omnipresence of the Divine Advaita siddhi – Oneness with the Almighty; non-dualism Advaiti – follower of Advaita

Agarwal – A community found throughout North India. In this case, the last name of Avadhoota Nadananda’s future disciples. Agni – Fire. In this context, internal fire of purification lit through spiritual practice Agni Lingam –(or Jyoti Lingam) A symbol of Shiva representing fire being one of the five elements, Temple in Arunachalam, Tamil Nadu Ahmedabad – City in Gujarat, western part of India Akash Vritti – a life without asking anything from anybody for day-to-day needs, and only accepting the minimum Akhanda dhuni – ‘eternal flame’ or incessantly burning fire Akshaya Tritiya – An auspicious festival in April Alexandra David Neel – Belgian–French explorer and mystic who visited Lhasa in 1924, and wrote the book Magic and Mystery in Tibet Alphy – A long shirt like dress made of country cotton fabric Amaleshwar – in Madhya Pradesh renowned for Jyoti linga Shiva Temple Amavasya – New moon Amma – mother Ananda – extreme happiness, one of the highest states of being Anna(s) – Obsolete currency where 16 annas equals one rupee Annadanam –an offering of food

Annakshetras – almonries, a place where free food is distributed to wandering monks Annapurna – Hindu goddess of nourishment, and a form of Parvati, consort of Shiva Antakarana suddhi – Internal purification Antar yagya – Internal worship Antaryami – omniscient, one who knows the hearts and minds of others Anushtan – Firm conviction to do japa and mantra recitation a prescribed number of times Aparigraha – The concept of non-possessiveness, non-grasping and nongreediness Apavitrata – Impurity Apmaan – Insult Archana – Personal puja or prayers offered by a temple priest to the deity, on behalf of a devotee, to invoke blessings and guidance Ardha nareeshwara –Lord Shiva and his consort Shakti in unity in the form of half man and half woman. Arunachal/Arunachala/Arunachal Hill –A holy hill at Thiruvannamalai in Tamil Nadu, revered as the Kailash of South India Asan – seat (used as a seat or bed in a cave)

Ashadha masam – fourth month according to Hindu calendar, between June-July, when the south-west monsoon hits India Ashamayee – Mother Ashamayee is the spiritual sister as well as birth sister of Avadhoota Nadananda’s Guru Maa Taramayee. Ashirvaad – Blessings Ashta siddhis – Eight Siddhis or yogic accomplishments Atma Gyana – Knowledge of the Self Atta – Wheat flour Avadhoota – A mystic saint and a liberated ascetic who has gone beyond egoic-consciousness, duality and common worldly concerns and acts, and is often without standard social etiquette. Avatar – a manifestation of a deity or released soul in bodily form on earth; an incarnate divine teacher Baba – An ascetic/saint is addressed as Baba/Father Badari – herbal leaf Badha – obstacle Badrinath – A holy town in the state of Uttarakhand. It is the most important of the four sites in India’s Char Dham pilgrimage Bajra – millet Bajra roti – millet bread

Bala brahmachari – Young (bala) celibate on spiritual path. A brahmachari is a student of the Vedas, committed to celibacy and leading a virtuous and simple life of meditation and training for spiritual living. Bala mantra – Chant or mantra of Balatripurasundari a form of Srividya Balavat – Behavior as innocent as a child Bali – Ritualistic sacrifice (slaughtering for sacrifice) BAMS – Academic degree in traditional Indian system of medicine or Ayurveda Beejam – Seed, or foundation Bengali – Language spoken in the state of West Bengal Beta – son Bhagavat Gita – Literally, “song of the Spirit”, it is the most famous of Hindu scriptures in Sanskrit, and is in the form of counselling by Lord Krishna to Arjuna. It is a section of the epic Mahabharata. Bhagavan – Literally God, Sometimes one’s Guru is referred to as Bhagavan Bhagavan Govinda Pada – Guru of Adi Shankaracharya Bhagavan Nityananda – A highly revered Siddha Guru who has an ashram in Ganeshpuri, Maharashtra. Bhairavi – Devotee of Mother Goddess Bhajan – Devotional song with religious or spiritual theme

Bhakti yoga – The yogic path of devotion to deity that leads to union with the Divine Bhalu – White Himalayan bear Bhandara – Food prepared on large scale, as a religious offering to the gods and eaten in a community setting Bharat – Ancient name of India Bhava – feelings Bhikharin – Beggar woman Bhiksha – Alms Bhikshu – Monk, usually Buddhist Bhoo Samadhi – Land burial (Dead body buried or cremated on land) Bhooloka Vaikuntham – Literally ‘Heaven on Earth’, where the deity reveals Himself to His devotees Bhoota (pronounced Bhutta) – Corn cobs Bhoota badha – Being possessed by a ghost Bhotia – An occupational community of shepherds, living as nomadic pastoralists Bhrumadhya – The point in the centre of the forehead, commonly referred to as the third eye

Bhu Devi and Shri Devi – Consorts of Maha Vishnu – as depicted at the Tirupati temple, Andhra Pradesh, India Bhumi Pooja – Prayers made at the time of laying foundation for building construction Bidi – Indian hand-rolled cigarette Bismillah mantra – A chant used by followers of Islam religion Brahma sutra –Foundational texts in Sanskrit, of the Vedanta school of Hindu philosophy Brahmanatwa – State of orthodox Brahminhood Brahmaputra – A long river flowing through Eastern India Brahmin – Commonly understood as a person belonging to the Hindu priestly class, but can also be viewed as one who has realized the Brahman or Self Brahmins, Reddys, Vaishyas, Yadavas – Various castes prevalent in India Buffalo – Referring to the Indian water-buffalo, which is domesticated Bund – Embankment Ceylon – Old name of the country Sri Lanka Chaadar – Blanket Chaar dham – Literally four abodes/seats, the names of four pilgrimage sites in the Himalayas—Badrinath, Kedarnath, Yamunotri & Gangotri—that are widely revered by Hindus

Chaitra Navaratri – The nine spiritual nights during spring or the Hindu month of Chaitra (March-April) Chakrata – Town in Dehradun, North India Chandan – Sandalwood paste Chandi Paath – Religious text describing the victory of the Goddess Durga over the demon Mahishasura. It comprises 700 verses spread over 13 chapters. A ritualistic reading is often done during Navaratri celebrations and during Chandi Homam. Considered a powerful reservoir of mantras. Chandra vidya – Science of Soma rites Chaturdashi – Fourteenth day of waxing or waning moon phase Chaturmas – holy period of four months (July to October) Chaturvarna – Varna’ is a Sanskrit word which means type, order, color or class. ‘Chatur’ means four. The society was classified in principle into four varnas: Brahmins as priests, scholars and teachers; Kshatriyas as rulers, warriors and administrators; Vaishyas as cattle herders, agriculturists, artisans and merchants; Shudras as laborers and service providers. Chillum – Clay pipe for smoking Chinmaya Mission – An organization dedicated to the spread of Advaita Vendanta across the world founded by Swami Chinmayananda Chinta tarang – Thought waves Chita bhasmam – Ashes from pyre Chor – thief

Chottanikara, Cochin – Temple town in Cochin, Southern State of Kerala, India Chowl – Town in the State of Maharashtra, Western India. Coolies – Porters in stations Dadar – A town in Mumbai, Maharashtra Daksha yagya – The Hindu scriptures and mythology mention a huge sacrificial ritual conducted by King Daksha, father of Sati, Shiva’s first wife. Dakshin Bharatha Hindi Prachar Sabha – Organization promoting Hindi language in South India Dakshina – Donation or payment for the services of a priest, spiritual guide or teacher, and ideally an offering of gratitude without expectation of personal gain Dakshina Kailash – Kailash of the South Dakshini – South Indian – a person belonging to Southern Indian states Dal – Lentil (a warm gravy food made out of cooked lentils) Damru – A small, hourglass-shaped hand-held drum Dand – Long staff carried by some but not all sanyasis, depending on sampradaya Darshan – Sighting of the idol of the deity

Dasamsh havan – Recitation of mantras, after completion of the main japa, for a number of times equal to one-tenth of total number of japa mantra recitations Dasanami Sanyasi Parampara – Monastic order of sanyasis, established by Adi Sankara, the ten (dasa) name (nama) suffixes which these sanyasis adopt. These names are – Bharati, Sarasvati, Sagar, Tirtha, Puri, Aashrama, Giri, Parvata, Aranya and Vana. Dashami – tenth day following the nine nights of Navaratri Datta Bhagavan – referring to Lord Dattatreya, considered to be an avatar (incarnation) of the three Hindu gods Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva, and as the exemplary type of the avadhoota. He can also be considered to be combining three figures in a paradigmatic way: the ascetic, the guru, and the avatara. He is often depicted with three heads and accompanied by a cow representing mother earth and four dogs representing the four Vedas. Deepavali – Major religious festival, falling in October-November, and the day of closing of the Badrinath temples for winter Devi Bhagavatham – Durga Saptasati or Chandi Paath/Devi Mahatmyam – religious text describing the Goddess as the supreme power and creator of the universe. It is also known as ‘Chandi Paath’. Devi Pranav Deeksha – Spiritual initiation with the mantra of the Goddess Devi pranava – The seed mantra/chant to invoke Devi Devprayag – A town in Uttarakhand, North India Dhaba – Roadside eatery

Dharas – Distributaries, stream Dharma – Duty Dharmashala – Rest house for pilgrims Dhokhla – A type of steamed dumpling made of chickpea flour—a Gujarati dish Dhooly – Dust from beneath feet Dhooni – Sacred fire, often kept lit perpetually. Symbolizes the purifying inner fire of Divine Love Digh bandham – Contraction of the eight directions with chants Deeksha – Spiritual initiation Dom – Man responsible for burning corpses in a Crematorium Doora Darshan – A siddhi or extrasensory ability to see things not in range of eyesight, without the use of instruments or equipment Doora Gamanam – A siddhi or extrasensory ability to teleport Doora Sravan – A siddhi or extrasensory ability to hear conversations far away, without the use of any instruments or equipment Dr. S.Radhakrishnan – A highly distinguished scholar and philosophy professor, served as the second President of India, has written books on the Upanishads and Bhagvat Gita. Durga – Principal form of the Mother Goddess, in her warrior manifestation

Bhagawatam – Religious text Dvaita bhava – seeing others as different from oneself, duality in beliefs Dwaraka – Sacred city in Gujarat, India Easy chair – A folding chair for comfortable seating Ekadasi – Eleventh day of waxing or waning moon phase Ekakshari – Chant/mantra of one syllable Etawah – A city in the banks of Yamuna River Gaddi – Cushion Ganeshpuri – City in Maharashtra, India – Ashram of Bhagavan Nityananda Ganga jal – Water of River Ganga Ganga, Ganges, Ganga Mata – The second largest riven in the Indian subcontinent, the river is revered and considered the heart of Hindu religion, tradition and living. Gangotri – Hindu pilgrim town in the state of Uttarakand, Northern India Ganja – Cannabis Garbhagriha – Literally womb chamber, or innermost sanctum of a Hindu temple where resides the murti (idol or icon) of the primary deity of the temple Garuda – A large mythical bird, sacred to Lord Vishnu

Gaya – An ancient city of historical and mythological significance, located in Bihar, India. Giri Pradakshina – Circumambulation of the Arunachala Hill Giri Pradakshina Veedhi – The path for the pradakshina or circumbulation Gita or Bhagavat Gita – Hindu scripture in Sanskrit world renowned for its philosophical significance Gompa – Tibetan monastery – a set of small Tibetan temple buildings and other places of worship or religious learning Gomukh – The terminus of the Gangotri Glacier from where Bhagirathi River originates, Uttarkashi, North India Gopuram – A pyramidical tower, usually ornate, at the entrance of any temple, especially in southern India. Goshala – Cowshed Govinda – One of the several names of Lord Krishna Gufa – Cave Gujjar – Community that keeps buffalos and sheep and moves around collecting grass for them Gunny sack – Burlap Guptavati Teeka – Commentary on the Durga Saptasati by Bhaskararaya Guru mandal/mandala –The fraternity of sages, rishis and gurus who had themselves acquired a very high position in the hierarchy of spiritual

evolution. All these sages were an ‘Awakened’ lot and formed a spiritual league to help humanity enjoy the divine bliss which they had themselves experienced. Guru Mantra Deeksha – Initiation by the Guru who imparts a secret sacred chant of the Gurus. Guru Parampara – The spiritual tradition or lineage of Gurus or Spiritual Masters Guru tattva – The principle that the guru is the element that causes spiritual awakening within oneself, through a transmission process beyond the reach of the human intellect. The Guru is to be acknowledged as not a physical being but God Himself manifesting in a personal form to guide the aspirant Gurubehan/behen –Fellow female student of the same spiritual master/lineage, considered as a sister Gurubhais –Fellow male students of the same Guru, and so considered as brothers Guruji – Spiritual Master – ‘ji’ is added as a mark of respect Gurusthaan – literally, place of the Guru Guruvayur – A famous and religious temple of Lord Krishna in Kerala, South India Gyanganj – Legendary city-kingdom of mysterious immortal beings, from ancient Indian and Tibetan mythology. It is said to be inhabited by yogis and saints of high order, and is also a place of spiritual training. Situated in a valley somewhere deep in the Himalayas, and though hidden from the

world, still influencing it in various subtle ways when necessary. It is said that Gyanganj is cunningly camouflaged or may even be existing in a completely different plane of reality. Hamsa – literally swan, but also a mythical bird with knowledge and represents the individual soul or spirit. Hamsa soham – Meditation on the Soham mantra, a central mantra practice of Yoga Meditation. Haridwar – An ancient pilgrim city in Uttarakhand, Northern India Har-ki-pauri – Revered ghat on banks of Ganga in Haridwar, where Lord Shiva and Vishnu are believed to have visited Harsil – a village on the banks of Bhagirathi River Haryana – A state in North India Himavan – King of the snow-clad Himalayas and father of Parvathi Hindi – India being a large country where several languages are spoken, Hindi is the national language and is spoken widely in the Northern part of India. However, Nadanandaji grew up in Kerala which is a state in South India where Hindi is not widely spoken. Hindustan – India Homa agni – The fire blazing in the homa pit Homa kunda – Fire altar into which the homa offerings are made Homam – Religious ceremony performed in temples and in homes that involves worship through the use of a sacred fire, and with recitations of

mantras Iccha – Desire Idlis – Steamed rice cakes—a South Indian dish Indore – A city in Madhya Pradesh, India Ishta Devi – Literally ‘cherished divinity’ taken from the words is.ht.a which means desired, liked, cherished or preferred and devi or devatā while godhead, divinity, tutelary deity is a term denoting a worshipper’s favorite deity within Hinduism Jaipur – Capital city of Rajasthan Jal pathra – Kamandal – Water vessel carried by sadhu Jal Samadhi – Internment in water – Dead bodies of saints are interned in flowing water Jammu – State in the Northern part of India Japa – Chanting of sacred mantras Japa chakra – Prayer wheel Japa mala – A string of prayer beads Japa Samarpan – Offering of chants Japa sankalp – Vow to recite mantra a prescribed number of times Jaunsarbavar – A hilly region near Mussoorie in Dehradun, India Jawan – Junior soldier or infantryman in the Indian Army

Jeeva – Living being (literally, that which has life) Jharna – Waterfall Jilebees – Sweet crullers Jyotir Lingam – Please refer to Agni Lingam Kaccha – Unpaved, not properly constructed Kafni – A knee-length, loose robe-like garment Kailash – Mountain peak in Tibet, legendary home of Lord Shiva and Parvati Kala Kambaliwala/ Baba Kali Kamli Dharamshala – A resthouse for wandering monks/saints in Rishikesh, North India Kali – Black one, or Goddess of Time, the destroyer of evil forces Kalpavas – 14 days stay at Kumbha mela Kamakhya – An important Hindu Tantric goddess of desire. The Kamakhya temple is a Hindu temple dedicated to the mother Goddess Kamakhya and is one of the oldest Shakti power centers. Kamandal – Oblong water pot used by ascetics or yogis to store and carry water Kambal – Blanket Kamini and Kanchan – Lure of woman (kamini) and gold/wealth (kanchan)

Kanakadhara stotra – Sanskrit hymn composed by the sage Adi Sankara, believed to confer material benefits on the person reciting it. He is said to have composed it in compassionate response to a poor woman who was unable to offer him anything in alms except a gooseberry. The recitation of the hymn caused a shower of golden gooseberries. Kancheepuram Ashram – Ashram located in Kancheepuram, city in Tamil Nadu, South India Kanchi Sankara Mutt – The ashram in Kancheepuram established by Shankaracharya Kankhal – A small colony in Haridwar, North India Kappar – Vessel for receiving alms carried by a sadhu Karma bhoomi – Land where the prevailing culture aids and supports a spiritual seeker in neutralizing his karmas through ritual and penance Karma phala – Fruits of karma/destiny Karma Yoga – Yoga of selfless action or service, whereby detaching oneself from the fruits of actions and offering them up to God, one learns to sublimate the ego Karuna – Compassion Karyalaya – Office Kasba – Walled Township Kashaya – Saffron, orange coloured robe Kashaya dhvaja – Saffron flag

Kashaya vastra – Saffron-colored clothing typically worn by sanyasis Kashi – Another name for the holy city of Varanasi Kashmiri – From Kashmir, State in Northern India Kayalu devata – Kala Bhairav or form of Lord Shiva Keenaram Paramahamsa – The revered Guru of Avadhoota Nadananda’s lineage, Keenaram Paramahamsa is Maa Tara Mayee’s Guru, making him the Parameshti (great-grand) Guru of Avadhoota Nadananda Keerthan – Bhajan singing by an individual Kendriya Vidyalaya – Nation-wide schooling system administered by the Central Government of India Kerala – State in the deep south of India, and the home state of Avadhoota Nadananda Kevadia Colony – A colony at the foot of the Sardar Sarovar Dam, Narmada region, Gujarat Khaddar – Handwoven cloth Kheer – Pudding made with milk, sugar and broken grain Kichadi/khichadi – Rice and lentil gruel Kothari – Owners/caretakers of large granaries/storehouses Krama deeksha – Step by step initiation process, moving into higher sadhanas

Krishna – Eighth incarnation/avatar of Lord Vishnu Kriya of Shat Chakra bhedan – The activation of the six chakras Krupa/Kripa – Grace Kshamta – Capability or competence Kula devi – Family deity, usually worshipped over generations. In Nadanadaji’s case the goddess Sri Porkali Ma Kumbha Mela – One of the largest human congregations of a faith, involving pilgrimage to one of four holy towns of Hindus and bathing in a sacred river Kumkum – Vermillion, red powder worn as marking on forehead, made by combining turmeric with lime. It is offered to the goddess in puja/worship Kund – tank or small reservoir Kundalini – Dormant yogic life force that is believed to lie coiled at the base of the spine until awakened, when it is sent to the head triggering enlightenment Kupathra – one ineligible for receiving a favor, unfit recipient Kutia – A hut, dwelling place Laddu – A sweet ball made out of powdered lentil Lala – Common name for shopkeeper in North India Lalitha Sahasranamam –Sacred and powerful hymn of thousand names of the Mother Goddess Lalitha

Lalitha Tripurasundari – Highest manifestation of Goddess Adi Shakti and the primary goddess associated with the Shiva–Shakti tradition. Lamas – An honorific title applied to a spiritual leader in Tibetan Buddhism Lashkar – City in Gwalior, North India Leela – Divine play, or all reality, including the cosmos, as the outcome of creative play by the divine absolute Lepanam – Application of sandalwood paste and vermillion Lord Rama – Incarnation/avatar of Lord Vishnu and hero-king of the famous epic Ramayana Lucknow – capital city of state of Uttar Pradesh Lungi – A cotton cloth worn like a sarong by men around the waist, primarily in South India Maa – Mother Maan – Respect Maayee/Mayee – Mother Madhya Pradesh – A state around the middle part of India Madrasi – South Indian (from Madras) Madukari Bhiksha – literally collecting like a honeybee, taking bhiksha a little from each house

Maha Tapa – The Head of Gyanganj, Mahavatar Babaji Maha Kali – Goddess of time and death Maha Lakshmi – Goddess of abundance and prosperity Maharaj – Sadhus in North India are respectfully addressed by this title Maharashtra – State in the western part of India Maharshi Aurobindo – Indian nationalist, guru, and spiritual reformer Maha Saraswathi – Goddess of the arts, knowledge, and wisdom Mahatma – Literally great soul, or person of advanced spiritual stature Mahatma Gandhi – Prominent leader of the Indian Independence movement, relentless practitioner of karma yoga, world renowned. Mahavatar Babaji or Babaji – Indian saint and yogi, believed to have revived the ancient science of Kriya Yoga, Head of Gyanganj Makara Sankranti – A Hindu harvest festival that marks the transition of the sun into the zodiacal sign of Makara (Capricorn) on its celestial path. The day is also believed to mark the arrival of spring in India. Mala – necklace Malayalam – Language spoken in south India, predominantly in the state of Kerala Mama – Mother’s brother; uncle

Manasarovar – Freshwater lake in Tibet near Mt.Kailash, bathing in and drinking its water is believed by Hindus to cleanse all sins. Manasik pranams – Paying obeisance mentally Manava – Human being Mandali – Group of sanyasis Mandir – Temple Mangalore – Port City in the state of Karnataka in Southern India Manikarnika Ghat – One of the ghats in Varanasi and is most known for being a place of Hindu cremation Mann – 240 kilograms Mantra – A sacred utterance, sound, syllable, word or phonemes, or group of words in Sanskrit believed to have psychological and spiritual powers. The sounds may, or may not have literal meaning. Marwari – A native or inhabitant of Rajasthan in India Masala – A powdered blend of spices Mauna – Vow of silence Maya – Name, fame, wealth – created by the obscuring power that conceals the true character of spiritual reality. The manifested world of creation is constantly changing and thus considered unreal. Mellaril and Dizepam – Names of medicines

Mohi – A devotee of Avadhoota Nadananda Moksha – Salvation or freedom from rebirth Mookambika – The Kollur Mookambika Temple located at Kollur, Udupi district in the state of Karnataka, India, is a Hindu temple dedicated to Mookambika Devi. Mookambika, Chottanikara Bhagavati, Kodungalur Bhagavati, Vaishno Devi, or Nayana Devi – Different names of Goddess Parvati or Shakti Moorthy – Idol of God Moorti sthapana – Installation of the idol with rites and rituals Mudra – Symbolic hand gestures used in Hindu and Buddhist ceremonies, movement or pose in yoga Mukhiya – Village chief Nada – energy of music Naga sadhu – Shaivite saints, who live in the Himalayas and occasionally come down to the plains Naivedyam – Food offered to a Hindu deity/guru as part of a worship ritual, before eating it Namami Devi Narmade – Salutations to Devi Narmada (River Narmada respected as a Devi or Mother) Namaskar – A traditional Indian greeting or gesture of respect, made by bringing the palms together before the face or chest and bowing

Nambudiri – The Malayalam speaking Brahmins of Kerala Narmada – A River that flows through Central/Western India Narmade har – Salutations to holy river Narmada Nashta – Breakfast Navami – Ninth day of the fortnight in the Hindu Lunar Calendar Navaratri – Literally ‘nine nights’ in Sanskrit, nava meaning nine and ratri meaning nights. The Goddess Shakti is worshipped in her different manifestations for nine nights and ten days. This is a major Indian festival occurring in autumn (September-October) and spring (March-April) Navavaran Pooja – The highest Pooja ritual of the Goddess, aimed at removing the nine concealments or obstructions to self-realization that are within one’s mind and ego Nirakara – Formless Nishkaam karma – Selfless action without expectation or agenda, nonattached action without obligation Nishkalankata – Quality of purity and innocence, and being selfless Nitya karma – Daily ablutions Niyogam – Plan or destined arrangement Omkareshwar – Hindu temple dedicated to Lord Shiva, situated on an island called Mandhata or Shivapuri in the Narmada River Oottupura – Temple dining hall

Pada – As in padyatra, pilgrimage on foot Padmanabha sahodari – Sister of Padmanabha or Vishnu Padmasan – The Lotus Pose, a yogic posture of Hatha Yoga Padmavathi – Consort of Venkateshvara, enshrined in the temple at Tirumala Paisa – One hundred paisa equals one rupee Palash stick – Stick made from wood of the tree Butea monosperma. The wood is used in fire ceremonies and nearly as common as the holy Tulsi in homes of Namboodiri Brahmins in Kerala. Panchadasi – Devi mantra of fifteen letters Panchajanyam – Periodical, popular in Kerala, South India Panchang – A Hindu calendar and almanac which follows traditional units of Hindu timekeeping, and presents important dates and their calculations in a tabulated form. Panchayat – Village governing body, assembly of village elders Panditji – Priest Papad – Fried lentil wafers Para Loka – World beyond death Para Vidya – Higher or spiritual knowledge of the inner world, as opposed to knowledge of the material world

Param guru/ Paramaguru/Parmeshti Guru – Guruji’s Guruji (Master’s Master – Grand Master) Parama virakt – Person with absolute indifference to worldly pleasures. Renouncer of all material things. Paramanu – Atom Paramatma – The Supreme Divine Soul Parampara – A succession of teachers and disciples in traditional Vedic culture; guru–sishya tradition. Paratpara Guru – Guruji’s Guruji’s Guruji (Great Grand Master) Parigraha/m – intention to accumulate material possessions for future use Parikrama – Circumambulation Parivrajaka – Wandering monk Parnasala – Hut made of leaves Parvat – Mountain Pathankot – City in the Indian State of Punjab Pathra/Patra – Vessel, utensil Pathrata – Eligibility Payasam – Pudding sweetened with sugar or jaggery, and made with dairy or coconut milk and broken grain Peepal – Ficus religiosa or sacred fig tree

Peetham – University or academic institution Pishachavat – Sudden fits of anger etc. Literally means like a ghost. A realized one who is a loner and exhibits strange behavior and hence feared by people because they do not understand such a one Pitthu – Large backpacks Pongal – Dish of rice, moong lentils cooked together with spices and clarified butter Pooja pathra –Utensils used for worship in the Temple Pooja samagri – Materials used for worship Poojya – Respected, honorable Poori – Deep fried wheat bread Poornima – Full moon Poorva janma karma phalam – The result of the deeds of one’s previous birth Poorvashrama – Previous stage of life, before Sanyasa/renunciation Pottli – Small cloth bag Pradakshina – A ritual of circumambulation around the inner sanctum in a temple Prakruthi – Nature Pralobhan – Temptation

Prana Shakti – Prana (vital energy), Shakti (Awareness), in this context, the awareness of the vital energy Pranava – ‘Om’ mantra considered the symbol or representation of the individual soul which sanyasis must always chant Pranayama – Science and practice of control of breath as part of yoga Pranta Karyavah – Official of civil organization Prasadam – Food that is a religious offering, consumed after worship or religious ceremony Prashtana Trayee – (i.e., Gita , Upanishads and BrahmaSutra ) Pratyangira – An extremely powerful and fierce form of the Goddess, worshipped with very specialized rites or sadhana Prayag – Ancient name for the city of Allahabad, site of the sangam or confluence of the Rivers Ganga, Yamuna and Saraswati Prayoga vidhi –– Method of usage Presh mantra – Standing in water, this mantra is chanted as a vow of renunciation of the world, worldly relations and material wealth. Preta yoni/atma – Ghost state after death Pujari – Priest who performs puja Pukka – In this context, solidly constructed Pulyodhara prasadam – Spiced tamarind rice offering to deity

Punya karma – Meritorious deeds Purascharan – A vow to repeat a mantra a fixed number of times, usually a very large number, with complete concentration and rigid discipline, with the aim of spiritual progress Pushkar – town in Rajasthan, known for its lake and the temple of God Brahma Ragam – The six basic musical modes which express different moods in certain characteristic progressions, with more emphasis placed on some notes than others, of Indian classical music. A scientific, precise, and aesthetic melodic form with its own distinct ascending and descending movement, consisting of combinations of notes of the octave. One raga is demarcated from another in the way the notes are combined. The music created by a raga is known to color the mind in a particular way, creating distinct moods or feelings. Rahasya – Sacred Secret Rajasthan – State in Northwestern India Rajasthan Patrika –A periodical Rajkot – A large city in the state of Gujarat Rakta chandan – Red sandalwood Ramana Maharishi –A renowned and revered Indian sage who lived in the Arunachala hills of Thiruvannamalai, Tamil Nadu Ravi – (River ‘Iravati’ of Puranas ) River Ravi

Rishi – A seer who realizes eternal knowledge beyond the mundane world and gives expression to those truths in the form of hymns, many such hymns are found in the scriptures, the Vedas Rishikesh –Ancient pilgrim city, Dehradun, Uttarakhand, North India. Romaharsha – Bristling of the hair in rapture, feeling of ecstasy Roti – Unleavened wheat flatbread Sabji – Cooked vegetable dish Sadguru – An honorific title given to an enlightened Master Sadhana – Daily spiritual practice Sadhu – Hindu monk; an ascetic, holy man Sadhvi – Female ascetic Sahasrara – Crown chakra is generally considered the seventh primary chakra, according to most tantric yoga traditions and is the one which integrates all the chakras with their respective qualities. It is the last milestone of the evolution of human awareness. Sakamata – The desire to gain something materialistic Sakshatkara – Realization Saligram – spiraled ammonite stone, worshipped as iconic symbol of Vishnu Samadhi – Stage of union with the Divine, the highest bliss

Samadhi mandir – When an enlightened being leaves his mortal body, a temple is built over when the mortal remains are buried. Samatva bhavana – Viewing all beings impartially, without attachment or bindings Sambar – a lentil-based vegetable stew made with tamarind and spices Samhar – Annihilation and reabsorption Sampraday bheda – Differential treatment pertaining to spiritual tradition Sampradaya name – Traditional religious title Samsara – Terrestrial Samyak nyasa – To renounce worldly and material aspects of living and lead a life of intellectual contemplation Sandhya Arathi – (Refer to Arathi) Arathi performed during evening time Sandhyavandan – Oldest extant liturgy in world religion, consisting of verbal chants from the Vedas, done three times a day, at dawn, noon and dusk Sangeet – Music Sangh pracharak – Volunteer of a civil organization Sankalp – Solemn vow or determination Sankalpa Siddhi – The power to fulfill desires or wishes effortlessly Sankalpam – a prayer of offering made with some desire

Sansaris – Worldly people Sanskrit – Primary sacred language of Hinduism Sanyasa – State of renunciation, asceticism Sanyasa Sanskara – Rituals related to initiation to sanyasa Sanyasi – Renunciate Sapta sarovar – Seven streams – a picturesque place near Haridwar Saraswathi Mandapam – The name of a hall at the Sri Ramakrishna Yogashram Sardarji – Sikh gentleman Sari/Saree – A female garment traditionally worn in India Sarva Sanga Parityaga Sanyasi – One in complete freedom from all attachments, unruffled and immune to all temptations, because of seeing the Self in all Sashtanga namaskara – A form of salutation where the eight limbs of the body, namely, two hands, two legs, two arms, chest and forehead, touch the ground. It symbolizes the nullification of one’s ego before Guru or God. Sat-chit-ananda – Truth, consciousness, bliss Satram – A resting place for pilgrims where rooms and food are provided by a charitable institution for nominal rates or for free Satsang – A gathering of people for spiritual discourse

Sauparnika – River flowing near the Mookambika Temple, Kollur Seva – Service Shakha – Branch Shakta – Worshipper of Shakti Shakteya – A sub-sect of Hinduism in which the followers worship Mother Goddess in Her various avatars and incarnations. Shakti – The female principle of divine energy, especially when personified as the supreme deity. Shakti peetham – A shakti peeth is a place of recognized harnessed power or Shakti that has the ability to plug us into the Greater Source. The Indian subcontinent has several such sacred sites where there are temples dedicated to the Goddess. From Hindu mythology, each of these places has a correspondence to a body part of Goddess Sati that fell to earth. Shakti tatva – The principle of Shakti tradition Shaktipath deeksha – Initiation through spiritual transfer of energy from the touch of a Guru Shangri-La – A mystic place hidden in the Himalayas covered with snow and mist Shankhdhwani – Sound from blowing of conch Shastras – Scripture Shava – Corpse

Shava sadhana – A ritual done in the presence of a corpse Shava Suddhi – Purification of the corpse Shavasana – Supine corpse pose in Hatha Yoga Shetty – Merchant Shiva Mahimna stotra – A Sanskrit composition in devotion of Lord Shiva Shivalingam / lingam – Abstract or an iconic representation of Lord Shiva Shivananda ashram – An ashram and spiritual center in Rishikesh, founded by Swami Sivananda Shivaratri – A festival celebrated annual in honor of Lord Shiva Shodasi mantra – Sixteen-lettered mantra of the Goddess, recitation of which leads to liberation. This is considered secretive in nature, and only to be imparted by a Guru on initiation. Shri Shivanand Paramahamsa of Vatakara, Kerala – A revered sage and founder of Siddha Samaj of Kerala Shuddhi – Purity; righteousness Siddha – masters who have acquired siddhis and achieved some degree of spiritual perfection or enlightenment. Siddha Parampara – Traditional lineage of adepts, and ascetics who have achieved enlightenment Smashaan – Cremation ground

Soham Dhyan – Meditation on the Soham mantra, a central mantra practice of Yoga Meditation. Soham is a universal mantra as it relates to the breath, and everybody breathes Soolpaneeshwar Mandir – Temple dedicated to Lord Shiva, Narmada area Soorya – A form of Shiva, also known as ‘Marthanda Bhairava’, a wellknown sadhak of Lalitha, who later took the form of Lalitha herself. Soorya/Surya vidya – Science of the solar system, especially the sun Sparsan – Touch Sramadan – Donation of time and effort, excluding money, for a good cause Sri Chakra – a sacred geometrical construction of nine levels representing the Cosmos within which the Mother Goddess is considered to manifest herself along with Her parivara (family) yoginis. The Shiva and Shakti aspects of Consciousness and Awareness reside on the peak at the Navama (ninth) Avarana (level) called Bindu. Visualization and internal contemplation of the manifestation of this Sri Chakra within the physical body in a subtle form is the secret of Sri Vidya. Sri Raja Rajeswari – Presiding deity of Sri Chakra, the Divine Mother Sri Ramakrishna Mission – A monastic organization brought into existence by Sri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa, the great 19th century saint of Bengal Sri Ramakrishna Yogashram – Name of the Ashram

Sri Vidya Sadhana – Sri Vidya is an ancient and influential school of Goddess-centered Shakta Tantrism. The goddess is worshipped in three manifestations, as the beneficent deity Lalita Tripurasundari/ Raja Rajeswari, through her mantra and through her yantra known as Sri Chakra. Srisailam – In Tamil Nadu Srishti – Creation, emanation, projection Srividya – Tantric or Shakta theology where the Goddess is worshipped as the Supreme, transcending the cosmos that is her manifestation. Stithi – Continuation and maintenance Stotras – Sacred hymns Svan bhiksha – Food intake similar to that of a stray dog, which eats wherever it finds food Swabhava – Nature or habit Swami – An ascetic/saint is addressed as Swami Swami Vivekananda – Hindu monk and direct disciple of Ramakrishna Paramahamsa and a major force in the modern revival of Hinduism. Founder of the Ramakrishna Mission Swamy Ayyappa – A Hindu deity worshipped as Manikandan or Sasta. The famous temple of Swamy Ayyappa is located in Sabarimala in Kerala Swapna – Dream Swayamvara Parvati mantra – special yogini mantra

Syana – Chief Tamil – Language of Indian state of Tamil Nadu Tantra/Tantric – An ancient Indian tradition of beliefs and ritual practices that seeks to channel the divine energy of macrocosm of God into the human microcosm. Tapara – Cottage Tapas – Connotes certain spiritual practices in India related to asceticism, including meditation, austerities, body mortification and penance Tapovan – Forest of austerities or spiritual practice. In this context, the area above Gangotri Tara Mayee – The Guru of Avadhoota Nadananda Tarpan/a – Offering/ritualistic worship made to departed entities (ancestors) Teertham – Holy water associated with a temple or deity, or from a reservoir/river near such sacred sites Tehsil – An administrative division of a city or town Thalam – A traditional rhythmic pattern in classical Indian music, usually expressed with percussion instruments Thava – griddle Thoriyali – Region in Gujarat Tibet – Region in the Tibetan plateau in Asia

Tilakam – marking on forehead, usually with a fragrant paste, such as of sandalwood or kumkum Tirumala/Tirupathi – One of the most famous temples in the Indian state of Andhra Pradesh, where the presiding deity is Lord Venkateshvara or Vishnu, and also known as Balaji. It lies in the midst of seven peaks or group of hills in the Eastern Ghats Range Tiruvannamalai – Please refer to Arunachala Trayodashi -Thirteenth day of waxing or waning moon phase Trichur (Thrissur) – City in the southern state of Kerala Tripura – Northeastern state in India Trishool/Trishul – Trident, a symbol of Lord Shiva and Shakti Triyuginarayan – A village in Rudraprayag, Uttarakhand, North India Trtva bhava Tryakshari mantra – Mantra of three letters Tulsi – holy basil Turiyateeta – One who has attained Turiya or Avadhoota state, the state beyond waking, dream, and deep sleep states. In such a one’s eyes, nothing is pure or impure anymore because, transcending duality, he has realized the Supreme Unity. Udasi Sampradaya – Udasi is a religious sect of ascetic sadhus centred in northern India. It is based on the teachings of Sri Chand (1494–1643), the son of Guru Nanak, the founder and the first Guru of Sikhism.

Ugra Tara – Literally Fierce Tara, an emanation of the Divine Mother Unmadavat –Literally means madness, a state of such complete absorption in Divine Love and oblivion to the material world, that conventional people view it as madness Upadesa – Advice Upanishads – Collection of texts containing central philosophical concepts of Hinduism, concerning the nature of ultimate reality and describing the path to human salvation Upavas – Timed fasting as part of religious observance Uttarakhand – formerly known as Uttaranchal, it is a state in the northern part of India. It is often referred to as the Devbhumi (literally: “Land of the Gods”) due to the many Hindu temples and pilgrimage centres found throughout the state. Uttarkashi – Hindu pilgrim town in the state of Uttarakand, Northern India Vairagya – Dispassion or detachment Vaishnav – Worshipper of Vishnu Vaishno devi – A manifestation of Hindu Mother Goddess Mahalakshi, the temple of Vaishno Devi is located in Katra, Jammu and Kashmir Vaishya – Person from business/merchant community Vamachar Tantra – Branch of Tantra, where a particular mode of worship uses the kind of elements of deity worship which are not used in the orthodox religion. This is known as panchamakara (five ‘M’s) five species

of pleasure, namely: meat (mamsa), cereal (mudra), fish (matsya or machli), wine (madya or madira) and ritual sexual intercourse (maythuna). Vanaprasthi – forest-dwelling ascetic in the 3rd of four ashrama (stages) of human life, the other three being Brahmacharya (bachelor student, 1st stage), Grihastha (married householder, 2nd stage) and Sanyasa (renunciate ascetic, 4th stage). Vanavasi Kalyan Ashram – an Indian social welfare organization based in Jashpur, in the Chhattisgarh state of India Vandevata – Forest angel Varanasi – Also known as Kashi or Benaras is a city on the banks of the Ganges in Uttar Pradesh, North India. An ancient city and the spiritual capital of India, it draws millions of pilgrims throughout the year Vastram – Clothing Vayu Bhagavan – Wind God Veda vakya – Great saying or pronouncements, words of wisdom accepted without question as coming from great sages Vedanta – A Hindu philosophy based on the doctrine of the Upanishads, especially in its monistic form Vedi – Altar Veena – Traditional Indian stringed musical instrument Venkateshvara – A form of Lord Vishnu, presiding deity of the Tirumala temple

Vibhageeya Chinta – Considering oneself different from others Vibhuthi/Vibhoothi – sacred ash Vidya – knowledge Vidyaranya Muni – An accomplished philosopher and chief proponent of the Dvaita school of Vedanta, popularly known as Madhavacharya. He was the Supreme Master of the Sringeri Sharada Peetam Vihara – Buddhist monastery Vijaya Dashami – see Dashami Viraja Homam – An oblation to fire (homam), for the purpose of selfpurification from ego. This is a part of the Hindu ceremonies, whereby a monk enters into sanyasa or renunciation Vishwanath – Lord Shiva, presiding deity of the Kashi Vishwanath Temple, Varanasi Vrata – Religious vow Vrithy – Physical cleanliness; virtue Vyas ghat – Along the banks of Ganges, Uttarakhand, North India Yagnopavita sanskar – A traditional rite (sanskar) of passage that marks the acceptance of a student by a guru. The sacred thread (yajnopavita) is received by the boy during this ceremony, that he continues wearing across his chest forever thereafter. Yagya – elaborate ceremony around a fire, with oblations offered as worship to the accompaniment of sacred chants/ mantras

Yama – A Hindu unit of time; one-fourth of a day + night is a yama Yamuna – The longest and second largest tributary of the Ganges in northern India Yatri – Traveler Yogini – A woman proficient in yoga; a female yogi Zilla pracharka – District in-charge

1

Bhiksha is food obtained by asking for alms. It signifies a Hindu, Buddhist and Jain tradition of begging for alms with the purpose of selfeffacement or ego-conquering.

2

‘Avadhoota’ is a Sanskrit term referring to a particular type of mystic or saint who is beyond egoic-consciousness, duality and common worldly concerns and acts without consideration for standard social etiquette. He/she is a spiritual guide to many souls and enlightens the path of those on a psychic journey.

3

Connotes certain spiritual practices in India related to asceticism, including meditation, austerities, body mortification and penance.

4

The Malayalam-speaking Brahmins of Kerala.

5

The Kollur Mookambika Temple located at Kollur, Udupi district in the state of Karnataka, India, is a Hindu temple dedicated to Goddess Mookambika Devi.

6

Hindu goddess of nourishment, an avatar (incarnation) of Parvati, the consort of Shiva

7

A traditional Indian greeting or gesture of respect, made by bringing the palms together before the face or chest and bowing

8

Traditional lineage of adepts, ascetics who have achieved enlightenment

9

Preparation or consecration for a religious ceremony which involves giving of a mantra or an initiation by the guru in Indian religions such as Hinduism, Buddhism, and Jainism

10

Chanting of ‘Presha Mantram’ signifies the renunciation of the world, worldly relations and material wealth

11

Viraja Homa is an oblation to fire for self-purification from ego, performed during the ceremony wherein a Hindu monk takes up the vows of renunciation.

12

The sum of a person’s actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.

13

The material world of the cycle of death and rebirth to which earthly life is bound; terrestrial

14

Literally ‘cherished divinity’ taken from the words is.ht.a which means desired, liked, cherished or preferred and devi or devatā which godhead, divinity, tutelary deity is a term denoting a worshipper’s favourite deity within Hinduism

15

A hymn called ‘Kanakadhara’ because when Adi Sankara recited it, the Goddess Lakshmi showered golden fruits to help a poor woman.

16

Char Dham (literally four abodes/seats) are the names of four pilgrimage sites in Himalayas–Badrinath, Kedarnath, Yamunotri & Gangotri–that are widely revered by Hindus.

17

The science of solar system, especially the sun

18

A student of the Vedas, especially one committed to the vow of celibacy. It represents a virtuous lifestyle that also includes simple living, meditation and training for spiritual living.

19

It refers to masters who have achieved a high degree of physical as well as spiritual perfection or enlightenment.

20

Food offered to a Hindu deity/guru as part of a worship ritual, before eating it.

21

A devotional activity and/or religious rite or ritual involving pouring of a liquid as an offering to

22

Person with absolute indifference to worldly pleasures. Renouncer of all material

23

A Hindu philosophy based on the doctrine of the Upanishads, especially in its monistic form.

24

The six basic musical modes which express different moods in certain characteristic progressions, with more emphasis placed on some notes than others.

25

A traditional rhythmic pattern in classical Indian music

26

A set of small Tibetan temple buildings and other places of worship or religious learning

27

Understanding of non-dual reality or experiencing omnipresence of the Divine

28

A traditional rite of passage that marks the acceptance of a student by a guru. The sacred thread (yajnopavita) is received by the boy during this ceremony, that he continues wearing across his chest forever thereafter.

29

One of the largest human congregations of a faith, involving pilgrimage to one of four holy towns of Hindus and bathing in a sacred river

30

Devotees prepare food on large scale as a religious offering to god and eat it later in a community setting.

31

‘Heaven on Earth’, where the deity reveals Himself to His devotees.

32

Follower of Hindu philosophy of non-dual nature of reality.

33

Lalitha Tripura Sundari is the highest manifestation of Goddess Adi Shakti. Parvati is believed to be the complete incarnation of Lalitha Tripura Sundari is considered the primary goddess associated with the Shiva–Shakti tradition.

34

A pyramidical tower, usually ornate, at the entrance of any temple, especially in southern India.

35

A subdivision of the Shaiva tradition where the followers carry a long staff (dand/dandi) to signify their belonging to the sect.

36

A resting place for pilgrims where rooms and food are provided by a charitable institution for nominal rates or free.

37

A Hindu harvest festival that marks the transition of the sun into the zodiacal sign of Makara (Capricorn) on its celestial path. The day is also believed to mark the arrival of spring in India.

38

A Hindu calendar and almanac which follows traditional units of Hindu timekeeping, and presents important dates and their calculations in a tabulated form.

39

Branch of Tantra, a particular mode of worship that uses the kind of elements of deity worship which are not used in the orthodox religion. This known as panchamakara (five ‘M’s) five species of pleasure, namely: meat (mamsa), cereal (mudra), fish (matsya or machli), wine (madya or madira) and ritual sexual intercourse (maythuna).

40

A native or inhabitant of Rajasthan in India.

41

Sahasrara or crown chakra is generally considered the seventh primary chakra, according to most tantric yoga traditions and is the one which integrates all the chakras with their respective qualities. It is the last milestone of the evolution of human awareness.

42

A sub-sect of Hinduism in which the followers worship Mother Goddess in Her various avatars and incarnations.

43

Advaita Siddhi means ‘attainment of non-duality, or ‘realizing the Self’: that there is only one real unchanging entity in this world called ‘consciousness’ and every name and form visible in this world, be it living or non-living, is a different face for it.

44

In Indian mythological literature, ‘hamsa’ is a mythical bird with knowledge and represents the individual soul or spirit.

45

The point in the centre of the forehead, commonly referred to as the third eye.

46

A siddhi or extrasensory ability to hear conversations far away, without the use of any instruments or equipment.

47

A siddhi or extrasensory ability to see things not in range of eyesight, without the use of instruments or equipment.

48

A power to fulfill your desires or wishes effortlessly.

49

The dormant yogic life force that is held to lie coiled at the base of the spine until it is awakened and sent to the head to trigger enlightenment.

50

A medieval Sanskrit text extolling the spiritualism in the story of Ramayana. It is embedded in the latter portion of Brahmānda Purana. The text philosophically attempts to reconcile Bhakti in god Rama and Shaktism with Advaita Vedanta, over 65 chapters and 4,500 verses.

51

A Hindu unit of time; one-fourth of a day + night is a yama.

52

Auspicious sight of a holy person, which bestows merit on the person who is seen. ‘Sight’ here means seeing or beholding, and/or being seen or beheld.

53

A holy town in the state of Uttarakhand. It is the most important of the four sites in India’s Char Dham pilgrimage.

54

Guest houses and inns started by Baba Kali Kambli Walla functioning in the Himalayas for poor and needy pilgrims, sadhus and ascetics.

55

An occupational community of shepherds, living as nomadic pastoralists.

56

An incarnation of Lord Shiva’s wife Parvati.

57

A form of Shiva, also known as ‘Marthanda Bhairava’, a well-known sadhak of Lalitha, who later took the form of Lalitha herself.

58

‘Varna’ is a Sanskrit word which means type, order, colour or class. ‘Chatur’ means four. Hindu literature classified the society in principle into four varnas: the Brahmins: priests, scholars and teachers; the Kshatriyas: rulers, warriors and administrators; the Vaishyas: cattle herders, agriculturists, artisans and merchants; the Shudras: laborers and service providers.

59

Soham Dhyana means ‘Meditation on Soham mantra’–a central mantra practice of Yoga Meditation. Soham is a universal mantra as it relates to the breath, and everybody breaths.

60

In Hinduism, eight siddhis or eight great perfections include Anima: reducing one’s body even to the size of an atom; Mahima: expanding one’s body to an infinitely large size; and Laghima: becoming almost weightless.

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